Don't hate me for this, but...I need a cheer-up thread.

[SimuLord]

As some of you know (and others are about to find out), things haven't been going well in my life lately. A case of depression has gone from "yeah, he's a bit down, but he's functional and hasn't lost his always-infectious optimism" to me staring into the very depths of despair itself, barely able even to get out of bed in the morning.

In my university classes, I'd say I'm giving maybe 20% of my maximum effort potential, no small thing considering I have four group projects due this month and don't want to disappoint what basically amount to 12 different people (3 in each group) who are counting on me. But I just don't have the motivation---to say I feel trapped by my choices in life is putting it mildly. I wish I had the stones to just leave all the business stuff behind and focus exclusively on my writing, but:

- I can't muster up any creativity thanks to the constant sadness (I'm a humorist---it's hard to be funny when you're dying inside and your humor depends entirely on an unrelenting and genuine cheerful nature), and
- By the time I get all my work done for my business classes I feel like nothing but a machine.

Even my professors have noticed---three of them (out of five!) have asked me why I'm majoring in something I have no passion for, and my answer (money) doesn't seem to do much good.

I think a lot about how my marriage ended last year. Quite simply, I failed her. A woman who loved me, who treated me like the king of her world...and who left, probably in no small part because my constant failures trying to adjust to being "normal" so I could give her the life I promised her when we first got together, with the house and the kids and me making enough money that she could go to art school and I could make sure we had a roof over our heads and medicine for the kids if they got sick...that's why I majored in business in the first place. When I went back to school I still thought we were both "happily married"...turns out only one of us was. She'd lost faith in me, and even mentioned the inevitable (in her mind) unemployment and default on my student loans, like failure was the only potential option. I failed her. She didn't cheat on me, I didn't cheat on her, indeed she said "This is so hard because I still love you, but I just can't stay...not like this."

The slightest setback hits me 100x harder than it used to. I'm staring a little too long at the sharp objects and the cliffs...and it's scaring the hell out of me. Therapy isn't even an option because one, I have bad enough post-traumatic stress disorder from when my mom put me in therapy against my will as a teenager, and two, because who's gonna pay for it? I'm alone out here, I don't have health insurance, and if I'm not constantly working hard I'll end up homeless.

Yeah...this turned into a monumental wall of text. Sorry about that. I'll shut up now.

FOR DISCUSSION! Decide for yourself if "please, someone remind me that I'm worth something because I'm worse than an emo teen which is sad for a guy in his thirties" counts as discussion value.

 

[Nouw]

Feel a bit better now?

 

[MadeinHell]

Feel a bit better now?

"This movie includes material from partner Vevo. It is not available in your country"

Somehow this doesn't make me very happy ;(. New-age youtube fascism is in fact making me sad.

Anyway, for the "cheer up"

Always works for me .

 

[Lilani]

These videos always make me feel better when I'm feeling down. Also, I think you're cool beans :3

 

[spartan1077]

Every time I come in the offtopic discussion thread your posts are always funny- sorry I can't help with your life problem...I haven't hit 30 yet so I'm sure it's completely different. The most I can say is that life gets hard at times but if you dwell on it, it seems worse. Try to not think about your seperation, instead go out with friends or make a hobby. As for being a machine, that's what school is. You just have to bypass the conformity created by the system and try to find some fun somewhere. If all else fails, find you passion and major in it. Money isn't what makes the world go round. Sorry if that didn't help. Go watch some Whose line is it anyways, as well...It always cheers me up!

EDIT: And you know everyone here would miss you because the first post isn't "Grow a pair" like every other thread...so just think about that too.

 

[Marter]

Aww, Simulord, I'm sorry. I feel for you man, and I hope you pull out of it soon.

I don't know much good those words will do, considering we don't know each other, but I do truly hope you begin to feel better.

Anyway, this is the song I use to make me feel better. (Admittedly, using it very often as of late)

<youtube=dtgMSidl1zU>

 

[Sleekgiant]

Get over to Cyanide and Happiness then.


Also watch this constantly

 

[Irridium]

I suggest you take a good long moment, sit down, meditate or whatever, and really think about what you want to do. What do you want to work for, what do you want from life. And when you finally get that answer, go for it.

Honor your commitments to the groups, and when thats all said and done, take some time off and reflect on yourself.

Thats about all I can offer. I've never been in a situation like yours, and can't really relate. But hopefully things get sorted out for you. I hope you get out of depression and all that.

EDIT: Also, your awesome. Don't let anyone tell you different. Your posts are funny, interesting, and always good. Even if I don't agree with them.

I would have said that earlier, but eh, I figured others would say it far better them me. And they did, and probably make this one look silly.

 

[The Salty Vulcan]

Uhhhh somehow I dont think coldplay and kittens are really what he needs right now guys.

I wish I knew what to say. All I got it this:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

-Marianne Williamson

I think you still got it. Just time you let it out.

 

[smithy_2045]

My only advice is to not give up.

 

[SuperTim]

There's a light at the end of the tunnel, i could go on about a whole range of metaphors, but the truth is plain and simple.
We will love you, if people from across the world, people haven't even met yet can enjoy all your comments/posts/pictures then why would there be any reason not to miss you?

I haven't been around on here much but i've always seen you comment and give a great point of view on just about anything, someone with such a wide breadth of knowledge such as you me or anyone, deserves to feel like they have a place to go to, to feel loved.

Stay for a while, see how things turn out, keep in touch, you can count in us

 

[Skorpyo]

To start out:


And now, OT:

I know the feeling of becoming a machine. When I was going through the last part of technical college, I also hit a snag.

Spoiler: Wall of text, made small.

When I was about 1/2 way through my college courses, some of the stupid things I had been saying and doing had begun to catch up to me, in the form of peer criticism. But it went beyond just hearing people call me an idiot.

There was a small group of people (Privileged people, at that. Always made my blood boil) who would actively thrash me, whether verbally or mentally. Their criticism became active abuse towards me. Rather than go to the proper channels to get it taken care of, I assumed that, as usual, it wouldn't help anything for me to try it; so I just sat there on a daily basis, my mind being ground into like a flour-mill.

Eventually, I snapped. It started with me walking quietly into class, being very still and silent. They began their normal insults and jeers, and after a few hours, everything they had ever said to me jelled. I got up during a break period, and started destroying their things. When they returned and started demanding answers, I told them they were going to die. They were ALL going to die, and I would be the one to pull the trigger.

After two months and a psychiatrist visit, I returned and finished my schooling. I've never been the same since. Everyone tells me that I've become anti-social and soft-spoken (I used to be a verbose, gregarious individual).

TL;DR:

Don't let things overwhelm you. DO NOT let problems add up, even in your mind.

If there is one piece of advice you MUST take into consideration, it is that you need to talk with others, and get help and advice where you can.

Never feel insignificant or lost. You are better than that. As cliche'd as it sounds, things never stay the way they are. Just stick with it brother.

Spoiler: Now, would you kindly?

 

[3AM]

I've lurked for awhile and have noticed your usually upbeat and humorous threads. You've shown maturity and compassion too. Don't forget you have those qualities. It's hard for a stranger to know what happened in your marriage but I was struck by your comments that you were trying to be someone you weren't. I wonder if you lost sight of the fact that your wife fell in love with you, not the person you thought you should be, but the man you were then and probably still are.

As for passion for your schoolwork and chosen field, I have to say that unfortunately that's not uncommon. Some people find their passion early and get the schooling or training for it. Some find it by bits and pieces. Some of us never find it. I never found mine and I do work that I enjoy, that gives me satisfaction and pride, but deep down I don't care about it. I'd never discourage anyone from seeking to find what they're passionate about, but also don't want to see you berate yourself for not finding it. Do something you can find some pleasure in.

Reach out to friends and family, classmates and professors. Like you've reached out to us. You aren't alone and there are lots of people who care about you. Let them help you as I'm sure you've helped them in the past.

Those kitten videos are great. Go kittenwars.com and vote for the cutest kittens. Watch Wings of Desire (German version only!) and get a love for humanity.

 

[Owyn_Merrilin]

Simulord, you're one of my favorite posters on this site. We may not see eye to eye on everything -- especially not politics -- but there have been several times in the last week alone where you've posted something on a topic, and basically written exactly what I was planning to write, and your opinion is worth seeing even when I don't agree with it. You don't sound like an emo-kid to me here -- just clinically depressed. I have to say, if your course of study is contributing to this, you need to take a long, hard look at what you actually want to do with your life, and switch majors to that before its too late.

This is coming from someone who is going to college to be a teacher -- money isn't everything, once you're making enough to support yourself, what really matters is that you're happy with your career choice. See what you can do about getting help, because clinical depression is not something that goes away on its own. Depending on where you're going to school, there's a pretty good chance that you can get some level of free or cheap healthcare, so please look into that. You may be uncomfortable with counseling, but it's really what you need in this case -- well, that and some paxil.

 

[Jake the Snake]

I don't think anyone can tell you how to live/fix your life. Indeed, you seem to be in a bit of a...well to but bluntly, shit stained portion of your life at the moment.

Just, try to do things that will make you happy. Obviously this may be harder said than done, but it seems to me like you're pursuing a path that can only further lead to ruinous ends since you are never going to love what you do. It may be too late at this point to do anything about it, but its just food for thought. Maybe after you finish your projects/major or whatever, you just, I dunno, do something small, give yourself the time to start writing again.

Don't dwell too much on the past. It's heart wrenching to lose someone you love, I can't even imagine. But it's...it's something that happened. Nothing will change what has been done. Don't let it destroy you, or you'll be emotionally numb and debilitated forever. Ignore it if you have to. Or try to take it in stride. Vow to do better. If not for her sake, do it for yours. It's all about being able to live with yourself, right? Why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves back up. (Thank you Batman Begins)

I don't know if this is just generic motivational build up you get from everyone, but it's sincere. Take it for what its worth coming from a 16 year old I suppose.

Oh, and if you still feel down, let me just finish by saying You're a good person, and you can do anything. You can get through this. I believe in you.

 

[Florion]

You sound very bright and very well-meaning... It may seem impossible to fathom right now, but you'll get past this. You might need help finding self-respect after your divorce (it sounds like you did your best, and if that wasn't right for her, then it just wasn't meant to be. Don't get hung up over "failing" her, because you didn't. I know it's hard to be in a relationship when mental illness is involved. It's very hard to find someone with the strength to look past it, but it's not your fault if they don't.) and exploring (financial) options (I'm 17, I don't know who you'd talk to about this).

I don't think you should rule out therapy just because you had some bad experiences - if you explain your past experience to the therapist, I'm sure they'll help you get past that too. If you find the first one doesn't seem to be a good fit for you, feel free to move onto a different one until you find someone who can really help you develop strategies for dealing with the stress in your life.

Talk to university counsellors, if they're available. It might be possible to postpone your studies until you've got a better handle on your situation, or they might be able to direct you to cheap(er?) mental health counsellors/financial advisors.

I hope things get better for you, and good luck. Please don't give up, because you really are bright - your writing is lively and careful, and you're in university, which is an achievement in and of itself.

 

[Imp Poster]

That must have been hard for you to be married and going to a university. I mean when you are married, you are expected to be the bread winner, but you are still studying to..

Sounds like you need something stronger, a night with Jack Daniels and friends.

 

[The Bum]

Now then, if your just doing it for the money STOP if you don't like it don't do it for a living!!! Thats what my father did, and you know what? Now he works in retail because he hated his job so much he had to quit in order to avoid a heart attack. Doing somthing you hate will only make your depression worse. And no, do not shut up keep talking bottling up you emotinons only makes it worse. Go to the universtiy couselers, Talk about it tell them what you told us. I'd like to help you with the divorce thing but, well thats out of my scope, sorry man. But remeber you can get through this it'll be alright.

 

[Kraj]

OP let me say this. I identify.
I just lost the woman I've wanted for a decade, who wanted me just as long. We were perfect and life just... didn't work out like that. I haven't been to classes in nearly a month, dropping in just for exams when classmates guilt me into showing my face. My professors are worried/have given up on me. My friends are 100 miles away dealing with their own problems. I'm 1 semester from majoring in a field I've always loved, but the food which once satiated has turned to ash in my mouth.
I am more depressed than I've ever been in my life, through an ex-fiance, multiple loves lost, it all just added up again and again.
What hurts the most is that I know I'm being stupid, I have a perfect family, I am often "that guy" the one with the "perfect life"; but it doesn't seem to matter, I can't bash myself into caring what happens.
Class is gone, I'm afraid I'll be put on academic probation; but I can't even motivate myself to care.
Let me share with you the one thing that has stopped me, and only just barely, from plowing my car into a tree or off the interstate every time I sit behind the wheel; "The future is always open."

If TL/DR; The future holds possibility. The past holds only memory.

 

[Stalk3rchief]

It the matters of school I hate to say this because it could cost you a lot of money, but I say stop and go for something that's more you. You only have one life friend, imagine yourself in the future looking back, what do you want to see?
With the ex, I had a very similar experience. I promise her the world, but I couldn't get it to her in time and things ended, although our relationship was a paltry 3 1/2 years. (I'm assuming yours was longer) I'm not sure how to answer this, either show her what you can really do and win her back, or try your best to distract yourself from her, don't dwell of thoughts of her. That will kill you in a depression.
Just keep your eyes open for other women, for all of the fish cliches are true, and keep your chin held high, aim for your dreams.
I doubt this had much impact, but that's the way I got over my depression.