Friends! Romans! Fellow Escapists! Lend me your ear! Resist the temptation to type a rabid rebuttal without reading the OP, or you shall look like you have taken the insane root that takes reason prisoner.
Anyway, both Valve and EA rely (or are trying to rely) on a digital game distribution service to buffer the costs of their wildly inefficient development cycles. (Valve takes forever, EA only makes flashy-flashy bang-bang Michael Bay-gasms) The only difference (aside from game quality) is that EA can't compete with Steam's awesome prices, and therefore has to resort to *ahem* alternative means of revenue.
Anyway, without further ado, I presents to all of you ladies, and sirrahs the day in the offices of EA and Valve when Origin and Steam where thought of:
Valve's Story:
Valve Lackey: My lord, how goes the development of Half-Life 3?
Gabe Newell: Do not pester me with such trifles, as they signify nothing. As we both know, the next full moon approaches. I shall hunger for the flesh of humans when it arrives.
Valve Lackey: But my lord, your -er- transformations are costing the company too much to cover up. The massacre in Guangzhou alone costed $3 million in bribes and cover stories. We need a new revenue stream quickly if we want to stay afloat!
Gabe Newell: Forbade thy wicked cant, lest I select thee as my next dinner. I propose a program that can deliver games to gamers for ludicrously cheap prices. I shall give it a name, and I shall name it Steam. It shall have low, low prices, even better sales, and all who partake in it shall love it. Why? because nobody wants to pay full price for the new Assassin's Creed. The plot was terrible and the bomb-making was useless. Lackey! Go forth and see to it that this is done.
Valve Lackey: Your will be done, my wolfish lord.
---------------------------------
EA's Story:
EA Slave: Sir, we have encountered a major problem.
John Riccitiello: What is it?
EA Slave: You haven't fed any of us slaves in months.
John Ricccitiello: I see. What's the major problem, worm?
EA Slave: *Sigh* All of the companies we have bought have failed to make a return on our investment. If we don't do something, we may go under.
John Riccitiellno: Well, guess I'm going to have to sell children into the slave trade again, huh?
EA Slave: Sir, quite frankly, we're getting shitty PR from all of that. We should probably stop before the UN steps in.
John Riccitellall: A pity. I enjoyed seeing the anguish on their faces. Do you have any ideas on how to fix this mess?
EA Slave: We could try to create a game distribution service, similar to Steam. Maybe it could provide a continual flow of income.
John Riccithurbleburble: That's a fantastic idea, slave! We can totally beat out Valve's pathetic prices. What was their last sale for, anyway?
EA Slave: Well, I'm pretty sure they had Bad Company 2 on sale for $0.50, and the new Assassin's Creed for -$2.00.
John Ravioli: WHAT!? THAT LOW FOR BROTHERHOOD! It was the best game in the series! It had a freaking hookblade! It's a blade with a hook on it! Who couldn't love it?
EA Slave: Sir, nobody thought Brotherhood was good. It was average at best.
John Rorikstead: For your insolence, I shall drink the blood of your firstborn. Also, you're fired.
EA Slave: Sweet liberation!!! I mean, dammit.
John Rowrowrowyourboat: Anyway, it's clear we can't beat Steam's prices, so we at EA are going to have to use other methods to achieve our goal of subjugating the entire planet. We shall charging for every feature ever. Every game shall have available DLC on day one. Do you want your protagonist to have arms? Purchase the $5 Limbs Expansion Pack. Did you expect your campaign to have more than one mission? The Game Completion Pass is only $30 away. Every game we make will be priced at $60, unless I'm in a bad mood. In which case it will cost $70 and eight souls of the living. In the spirit of realism, every bullet you fire in Battlefield 3 will cost the same amount it does in the real world to resupply. Finally, I shall corrupt the ending of Mass Effect 3, in order to crush the spirits of all those who believe that good exists in humanity. I have spoken. Slave, begone, or face my demonic fury.
EA Slave: NO! No gamer should be put through such crap just to play a game! Every game will turn into the same boring shooter if you let this go on! Stop this madness, I beg of you!
John Rikitikitavi: No. If you want to see the future, picture a hand groping into a human wallet, forever!
EA Slave: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! *jumps out of window*
-----------
On second thought, they are pretty different.
Anyway, both Valve and EA rely (or are trying to rely) on a digital game distribution service to buffer the costs of their wildly inefficient development cycles. (Valve takes forever, EA only makes flashy-flashy bang-bang Michael Bay-gasms) The only difference (aside from game quality) is that EA can't compete with Steam's awesome prices, and therefore has to resort to *ahem* alternative means of revenue.
Anyway, without further ado, I presents to all of you ladies, and sirrahs the day in the offices of EA and Valve when Origin and Steam where thought of:
Valve's Story:
Valve Lackey: My lord, how goes the development of Half-Life 3?
Gabe Newell: Do not pester me with such trifles, as they signify nothing. As we both know, the next full moon approaches. I shall hunger for the flesh of humans when it arrives.
Valve Lackey: But my lord, your -er- transformations are costing the company too much to cover up. The massacre in Guangzhou alone costed $3 million in bribes and cover stories. We need a new revenue stream quickly if we want to stay afloat!
Gabe Newell: Forbade thy wicked cant, lest I select thee as my next dinner. I propose a program that can deliver games to gamers for ludicrously cheap prices. I shall give it a name, and I shall name it Steam. It shall have low, low prices, even better sales, and all who partake in it shall love it. Why? because nobody wants to pay full price for the new Assassin's Creed. The plot was terrible and the bomb-making was useless. Lackey! Go forth and see to it that this is done.
Valve Lackey: Your will be done, my wolfish lord.
---------------------------------
EA's Story:
EA Slave: Sir, we have encountered a major problem.
John Riccitiello: What is it?
EA Slave: You haven't fed any of us slaves in months.
John Ricccitiello: I see. What's the major problem, worm?
EA Slave: *Sigh* All of the companies we have bought have failed to make a return on our investment. If we don't do something, we may go under.
John Riccitiellno: Well, guess I'm going to have to sell children into the slave trade again, huh?
EA Slave: Sir, quite frankly, we're getting shitty PR from all of that. We should probably stop before the UN steps in.
John Riccitellall: A pity. I enjoyed seeing the anguish on their faces. Do you have any ideas on how to fix this mess?
EA Slave: We could try to create a game distribution service, similar to Steam. Maybe it could provide a continual flow of income.
John Riccithurbleburble: That's a fantastic idea, slave! We can totally beat out Valve's pathetic prices. What was their last sale for, anyway?
EA Slave: Well, I'm pretty sure they had Bad Company 2 on sale for $0.50, and the new Assassin's Creed for -$2.00.
John Ravioli: WHAT!? THAT LOW FOR BROTHERHOOD! It was the best game in the series! It had a freaking hookblade! It's a blade with a hook on it! Who couldn't love it?
EA Slave: Sir, nobody thought Brotherhood was good. It was average at best.
John Rorikstead: For your insolence, I shall drink the blood of your firstborn. Also, you're fired.
EA Slave: Sweet liberation!!! I mean, dammit.
John Rowrowrowyourboat: Anyway, it's clear we can't beat Steam's prices, so we at EA are going to have to use other methods to achieve our goal of subjugating the entire planet. We shall charging for every feature ever. Every game shall have available DLC on day one. Do you want your protagonist to have arms? Purchase the $5 Limbs Expansion Pack. Did you expect your campaign to have more than one mission? The Game Completion Pass is only $30 away. Every game we make will be priced at $60, unless I'm in a bad mood. In which case it will cost $70 and eight souls of the living. In the spirit of realism, every bullet you fire in Battlefield 3 will cost the same amount it does in the real world to resupply. Finally, I shall corrupt the ending of Mass Effect 3, in order to crush the spirits of all those who believe that good exists in humanity. I have spoken. Slave, begone, or face my demonic fury.
EA Slave: NO! No gamer should be put through such crap just to play a game! Every game will turn into the same boring shooter if you let this go on! Stop this madness, I beg of you!
John Rikitikitavi: No. If you want to see the future, picture a hand groping into a human wallet, forever!
EA Slave: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! *jumps out of window*
-----------
On second thought, they are pretty different.
