Escape to the Movies: The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

[Simply Myself]

Who at the Escapist is going to see this movie? Um...*scratches head* Sporkers? Though everyone I know would just illegally download something they only wanted to see to make fun of. Of course, everyone I know who might see this movie is a poor, starving student, so...yeah.

 

[Simply Myself]

Why did they have you review this? I mean, who among the Escapist's audience was possibly considering going to see this?

I'm guessing this is another week of two movies, with this and Airbender. Based on the reviews for that one so far: poor, poor Moviebob.

Truth. I wasn't going to see it anyway, 'cause, you know, racist casting for the epic fail, but Rotten Tomatoes currently gives Eclipse a 51%...and TLA an 8%. My mind can barely fathom it. I'd offer MovieBob some virtual alcohol, but I suspect he's going to need the real deal.

Who at the Escapist is going to see this movie? Um...*scratches head* Sporkers? Though everyone I know would just illegally download something they only wanted to see to make fun of. Of course, everyone I know who might see this movie is a poor, starving student, so...yeah.

since your very new here, let me explain that the review is just too make fun of the movie. he's not an actual fan of the series.

Thanks, but I did actually get that. Someone on the first page asked why the movie was being reviewed, and I mistakenly thought that the "Reply" button allowed one to reply directly to a post, creating trees rather than just one long thread, hence the apparent non sequitur. Now I know.

 

[dietpeachsnapple]

Wow...

Um...

To movie Bob: YES! EXCELLENT! THANK YOU.

Not some half-hearted 'thank you for ripping apart a movie I vaguely disliked.' No, this is a 'thank you for taking the piss out of a series that is exceedingly presumptuous and backwards by most modern standards!

I am personally quite upset about the extent to which media is allowed to shape, if not dictate, current cultural trends. Furthermore, I feel that rehashing old, provenly flawed, precepts is sometimes dangerous. Sometimes it is necessary to remind ourselves why we, as a people, decided to stop doing somethings, but THIS is not one of them!

 

[dietpeachsnapple]

Christopher Lee, Alucard, Jon Talbain, the Wolfman, Max Schrek, and Doris Lang are not amused by this crap. Luckily I have Blood+, Vampire Hunter D (who is still the most awesome bishie vampire EVER), Hellsing, Trinity Blood and a lot of other stuff to help with that. Speaking of which, WE NEED A NEW VHD MOVIE!!!

Anyway, it takes real lack of talent to make a premise as awesome as monster war completely boring.

I think I can agree with this.

Underworld capitalized on the Lycan vs Vampire rivalry beautifully. As to how an author could entirely defang a concept so completely is beyond me.

 

[Kajaho]

your line of how its training girls to be submissive and leads to domestic abuse victims is going on my facebook wall. and if its one thing I know about facebook, once its on there, ITS THERE FOREVER!


I have yet to disagree with you moviebob, its like you're inside my mind.
I like that.

 

[WaderiAAA]

Wow, Twilight has done the impossible for being a scary "horror" (it isn't by any means, but is technically listed as such) movie, not for the monsters (though it is scary how they made A GIANT BATTLE BETWEEN WEREWOLFS AND VAMPIRES A HUG FEST), not for trying to break us menatly with its imagery, but for the message is trying to hammer into our brains.

I don't believe that video games cause violence. I don't believe that gay people can't be good parents, teachers, or anything else. But Twilight? It is one of those things that has the power to change the thinking of its target audiance, the 14 year olds that are just hitting puberty, but still have childhood memories of Prince Charming. It is only going down hill from here folks... you know what is are two things that are going to happen in the next movie?

Spoiler

One, (this is minor enough to be cut from the movie, but you know how many girls have read the books?) a girlfriend is going to get ripped to shreds by her werewolf boy friend, but stay with him because, I am not kidding here, "he lost control, but still knows he loves her."

Two, Belle is going to get pergnet with Edward's child and is going to decide to keep it, EVEN THOUGH HE RAN OFF AGAIN AND THE BABY HAS A HIGH CHANCE OF KILLING HER ON DELIVERY!

Can somebody honestly tell me that they want their child to read this? Or watch this?

On the content of the spoiler bag: Do the books portray this as morally correct decisions? Cause, I mean, if they didn't, then at least the books would have the balls to be realistic. About the first one at least, that is what happens in real life according to one of my teachers who have previously worked with cases like that (except obviously from the werewolf thing). Scary? Yes! True? Sadly, yes! The second one, I'm not so sure about, but hey, is she's a Republican...

 

[The_root_of_all_evil]

Wouldn't it be awesome if someone took the Twilight premise and made a Anti-Twilight Rip Off.

Been done. New Moan

It basically presents all the sub-text as text and has chapters named "Moist" to "Climax".

'I want to bite you, Heffa. I want to bite you very hard. I'll be gentle, I promise. If you really loved me, you'd let me.' Heffa Lump is just a typical, pale and interesting seventeen-year-old, who doubts that anyone will ever see her true beauty. But then she moves to Spatula and meets Teddy Kelledy, an impossibly gorgeous boy who eats rare meat, is super-strong and never goes out in sunlight. Could he, just maybe - be a vampire? (Hint: totally.)

Funny thing is, it's not actually as funny as the real book, it just says what a lot of us were thinking.

 

[Klagermeister]

I'm actually glad for one thing Twilight has done: butchering vampires so the REAL cool ones can stand out: WEREWOLVES.

Spoiler: Oh, shit, I forgot...

 

[13lackfriday]

Hahahaha, that last bit was brilliant..."creating a whole generation of shy, demure-" and here I actually, sickeningly felt my hopes being raised like this was a good thing- "DOMESTIC ABUSE VICTIMS" ...just for you to slap me around to face my guilt for condoning Stephanie Meyers' work for even that one, brief second.

Seriously, if anything, the Twilight phenomenon is one big contradiction in itself...a Mormon author conjuring Satanic figures from horror fiction to enforce the will of the Mormon faith.

 

[Shadow of Nex]

Thank you. There is something subtly wrong about Twilight. Also I love the way the people go flying backwards BEFORE the wolfs hit them.

 

[Cherry Cola]

There is something subtly wrong about Twilight.

Either you have caught something about the franchise I haven't, or you don't know what that word means.

 

[Apples_McGrind]

Oh, and Bob, you really only have to do this one more time. Breaking Dawn comes after this and it's the last book in the series. The one after that is simply a retelling of the series from Edward's perspective. As creatively bankrupt as Hollywood may be, I doubt even they would want to make the same movie twice.

Actually Breaking Dawn is being separated into two movies

 

[Mosstromo]

Mr. Movie Bob, you really made me laugh with this one. Laugh in utmost agreement, I clarify.
Indeed, a horror flick in several respects, but the traditional one.
And your prospects of having to watch two more films about this, are a true horror story.

Thanks once more Mr. Bob for the fair warnings. Not that they were needed for this particular movie, but thanks anyway.

 

[moose_man]

Dude, don't even compare Alucard to Edward. Even to show how awesome this COULD have been.

 

[MalevolentJim]

Probably your best review, Bob.I always love it when nerds bash on popular franchises,especially Twilight!

 

[Joe Kilner]

OK, reading some of this thread it seems you have to have the "vampire biting" == "sex" thing going on to read the subtexts in these books.

Sooo... you have a young girl who really wants to be "bitten". OK.

But her true love doesn't want to "bite" her because that will defile her. I see your point here.

And you have bad vampires who go out "biting" random strangers in groups. Which is bad. So far, so good.

And then you have have good vampires, who are good because they only "bite" animals. Erm... did you just say animals?

And then you have the heroine, who gets attacked and "bitten" by a stranger, but then this is undone by her lover (the guy she wanted to "bite" her) who sucks the other guys "venom" out of her "open wound" and that makes her OK again. Erm.. that sounds really gross...

And then ...

Spoiler

...the heroine threatens her boyfriend that if he doesn't "bite" her she will get his sister to "bite" her.

And then finally in the romantic climax, the lover "bites" her while she is half dead in an operating theatre.

OK I'm lost - is this book meant to be promoting celibacy or lesbian bestiality?

I mean seriously. They are some OK books and not too awful films that happen to be popular. And you don't like them. That is all.

 

[Not G. Ivingname]

Wow, Twilight has done the impossible for being a scary "horror" (it isn't by any means, but is technically listed as such) movie, not for the monsters (though it is scary how they made A GIANT BATTLE BETWEEN WEREWOLFS AND VAMPIRES A HUG FEST), not for trying to break us menatly with its imagery, but for the message is trying to hammer into our brains.

I don't believe that video games cause violence. I don't believe that gay people can't be good parents, teachers, or anything else. But Twilight? It is one of those things that has the power to change the thinking of its target audiance, the 14 year olds that are just hitting puberty, but still have childhood memories of Prince Charming. It is only going down hill from here folks... you know what is are two things that are going to happen in the next movie?

Spoiler

One, (this is minor enough to be cut from the movie, but you know how many girls have read the books?) a girlfriend is going to get ripped to shreds by her werewolf boy friend, but stay with him because, I am not kidding here, "he lost control, but still knows he loves her."

Two, Belle is going to get pergnet with Edward's child and is going to decide to keep it, EVEN THOUGH HE RAN OFF AGAIN AND THE BABY HAS A HIGH CHANCE OF KILLING HER ON DELIVERY!

Can somebody honestly tell me that they want their child to read this? Or watch this?

On the content of the spoiler bag: Do the books portray this as morally correct decisions? Cause, I mean, if they didn't, then at least the books would have the balls to be realistic. About the first one at least, that is what happens in real life according to one of my teachers who have previously worked with cases like that (except obviously from the werewolf thing). Scary? Yes! True? Sadly, yes! The second one, I'm not so sure about, but hey, is she's a Republican...

However, is this what you want 10-14 year old girls to be reading? Twilight is possibly the single biggest book series ever aimed at girls, only bit of genre fiction that is aimed that I know of period that is aimed at girls. At the time when a girl becomes a teenager is a time when deep impressions can be put on them.

 

[SilverUchiha]

Damn it. I was really hoping for a "Last Air Bender" review. Never saw the first two Twilight movies and no intention of seeing this one, so this review is practically pointless for me.

 

[The Diabolical Biz]

Never before have I felt the word "This" more appropriate.