Escape to the Movies: Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part Two

[MB202]

Dang, man, 7-minute review? Is this movie really so ridiculous that he has to talk about it that long? Although, given that it's the final Twilight movie and they decide to go balls-out crazy, I suppose it's worth seeing for some entertainment... Personally, though, I'm going to see Wreck-It Ralph again.

 

[Siege_TF]

Nobody bringing a sword to a beheading fight reminds me of that horrible 2008 movie Jumper, where nobody ever picked up a gun. Even Marvel movies kill off bad guys and the occasional good guy (although just HOW Gwen Stacy's survived for this long I'll never figure out) now and again. Vampire movies without bite, irony aside, are just a load of preening wank, but I'd see this one for the big fight if I had someone to go with (so loneley...).

 

[Evil Smurf]

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I can't tell if Bob is trolling us, or this is going to be a cult classic.

Please don't mod wrath me for using the word troll.

 

[BehattedWanderer]

I...was not expecting that. A "so bad it's good" movie is one thing, but it never occurred to me that it would be one of the Twilight movies, because the rest of them were just plain bad.

Well, I was gonna go see Cloud Atlas, but now I really want to see just how awesomely bad this movie is.

Let's be clear here, you should definitely go see Cloud Atlas. It's at least nineteen different kinds of amazing. No matter how much fun an X-men Vampire war sounds (and it does sound kind of fun, with Bob giggling like that), you should still see Cloud Atlas. Save the terrible but hilarious for the couch with friends, or something.

 

[I.Muir]

Ive remained clean of all this tween vampire nonsense up until now, never even touched the cover of any of the book or films ( not kidding). If you say this film bombed in the best of ways then maybe it won't be so painful when I inevitably am forced to watch it.

 

[Antonio Torrente]

Also.

Kristen Stewart tackles a cougar, your argument is invalid.

For some reason that phrase just came out wrong.

Well another "so bad it's good" movie to watch when "I'm too intoxicated to care what I'm watching" nights.

 

[TheMann]

Wait, wait...

"They feed Dakota Fanning to a giant wolf."

Huh...

So let me get this straight.

Spoiler: They feed this...

Spoiler: ...to this.

Now, I honestly don't have anything implicitly against Dakota Fanning but I... I have got to see this. Aww, but then I have to watch the rest of the movie. Oh well, Rifftrax ho!

 

[kaizen2468]

I trusted you bob. I trusted you and saw it with the girlfriend and I will never get those hours back.

 

[DrBonBon]

If this is right, the rifftrax for this movie is going to epic.

I cannot wait.

Also, I could watch that clip of Kristen Stewart tackling that puma for eternity. It's just...gloriously stupid.

Well, then lucky for you somebody has made a gif out of it.

"Pumagirl, she flies like a moron..."

Sorry, I couldn't resist.

 

[qeinar]

it was all just a dream.. fuuuuck. the dream ending would be amazing.

 

[Daria.Morgendorffer]

That's nice, I'm still not going to see it.

EDIT: Although I do have to wonder, if Stephanie Meyer is such a bad writer, how the hell did she ever get published?

Nobody ever starved when choosing to feed of other people's lack of taste.

That said, if you have to give the Twilight books credit for one thing (and this is a dubious cookie at best), it's the fact that it taps into the tropes of "really plain girl is special underneath" and "dream guy falls for really plain girl" rather effectively, at least enough to overcome the undercurrent of absolute awfulness of the subtext (e.g., A 100-year-old guy - who hangs out in a HIGH SCHOOL - falls for a teenage girl, not because he's an emotionally underdeveloped asshole*, but because said girl is super-duper special, right? RIGHT?!?!), and that kind of self-insert fantasy is exactly the kind of escapism that appeals to teenage girls and women who didn't quite emotionally leave high school.

Sorry if that sounds like a high horse, but if a guy could live forever but can't come up with anything better to do than go to high school, and you're the (adult) chick who can't see anything wrong with that, YOU are the one with the problem. Teenage girls could be excused, at least to some extent, since most adults have no idea how to talk to teenage girls about this sort of thing. And since they have disposable income...here we are. A successful series that is full of fail, but it's appealing fail.

 

[Joriss]

Okay, this review makes me wanna go see this movie. A movie so bad it's actually fun? I can dig that, totally! Not gonna see it sober though...

 

[RJ 17]

Until watching this review,

Spoiler: This

had been the only thing Twilight-related that I enjoyed. But I couldn't help but chuckle as Bob described the war with an almost childish glee and giddiness.

I mean seriously guys, FRICKIN' LAVA!

Edit: You still couldn't pay me enough to go see this movie, though. No matter how "so bad it's good" it is, that still doesn't change the fact that 1: it's bad, and 2: it's frickin' Twilight.

 

[idodo35]

you wanna tell me that fucking TWILIGHT is enjoyable but THE GREEN FUCKING LANTERN MOVIE was one of the most ball cringing movie expiriances ive ever had the misfortune to sit through?

 

[deleted+75193]

DELETED

 

[Canadamus Prime]

That's nice, I'm still not going to see it.

EDIT: Although I do have to wonder, if Stephanie Meyer is such a bad writer, how the hell did she ever get published?

Nobody ever starved when choosing to feed of other people's lack of taste.

That said, if you have to give the Twilight books credit for one thing (and this is a dubious cookie at best), it's the fact that it taps into the tropes of "really plain girl is special underneath" and "dream guy falls for really plain girl" rather effectively, at least enough to overcome the undercurrent of absolute awfulness of the subtext (e.g., A 100-year-old guy - who hangs out in a HIGH SCHOOL - falls for a teenage girl, not because he's an emotionally underdeveloped asshole*, but because said girl is super-duper special, right? RIGHT?!?!), and that kind of self-insert fantasy is exactly the kind of escapism that appeals to teenage girls and women who didn't quite emotionally leave high school.

Sorry if that sounds like a high horse, but if a guy could live forever but can't come up with anything better to do than go to high school, and you're the (adult) chick who can't see anything wrong with that, YOU are the one with the problem. Teenage girls could be excused, at least to some extent, since most adults have no idea how to talk to teenage girls about this sort of thing. And since they have disposable income...here we are. A successful series that is full of fail, but it's appealing fail.

That still doesn't account for how she got published in the first place. Like if she's such a terrible writer then how is it that her publisher didn't slap her with a big fat rejection slip? I don't know, I haven't read it, I'm just going on everyone else's word here.

 

[MonkeyPunch]

So it's got a decent action part. Still not ever going to watch this turgid pile of crap.

Will look out for the final fight on YouTube in some time to check if it really as good as Bob is trying to make it out to be.
There is literally nothing I would go watch this movie for, bar being paid or the guaranteed promise of post-movie(or per) boob fondling.

Also: it was all a dream? Really? I can remember my English teacher marking an essay down because it ended like that. When I was 14. And I got it then.

 

[millertime059]

Oh boy. Well I saw it with my wife yesterday. Now to unpack the experience.

I laughed several times, mostly at the film. The flying suplex on the cougar is but one moment of hilariously awful. Much of that revolves around how bad much of the CGI is. I'm sorry, any time they did their super fast run it was the worst kind of green screening effect.

They almost attempted to do some interesting thematic things. The idea behind the uncomfortable alliance of the 'good vampire' Cullens (good because they don't eat humans) with some 'good only because they associate with the Cullens" could have had some meat. Instead it is resolved off camera, with the simple declaration 'they agree not to hunt here'.

The learning her own strength could have been interesting, but loses it for two reasons. One, Kristen Stewart can NOT act. She is far better in this film though. Given a role where she is allowed to show actual emotion beyond 'mopey, needy, sulking, emo girl' she is tolerable. But not good. Laughing and smiling do make her almost human though. The second reason it fails is, for some reason, she is magically now the strongest vampire. Period. For no reason other than because. WTF? It's absurd and makes 0 sense (other than as a Mary Sue insert).

The whole Jacob Renesme thing is just. so. creepy. No amount of explanation makes it less so. Also Renesme? Who would name their kid that? It's terrible.

Michael Sheen is entertaining, and does put on a good performance. Meanwhile Dakota Fanning will try to kill you by starring at you with those Anime eyes.

The whole Bella's father subplot? They bring it up, and sweep it under with 'I'll tell you what you need to know'. It didn't work. Why would him knowing the truth make him a target? It doesn't make sense.

The final battle is endemic of the whole thing, they almost tried to do something awesome (or at least interesting in other cases) but ultimately lacked the courage to actually do what was needed to make it work.

Oh and the whole 'it was just a vision' final battle. That's first rate bullshit. It's enough to ruin a good movie, and this was not an otherwise good movie.

 

[Machine Man 1992]

Well... Didn't see that coming.

 

[1337mokro]

The rifftrax for this one shall be GLORIOUS!!!