Feeling betrayed..
- Thread starter xWestie
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I'm late to this discussion but thought it was worth chiming in. To borrow a turn of phrase from Dan Savage, Dump the ************ Already.xWestie said:
Honestly? The story you told in the OP was appalling. I don't care how depressed he is (and I question the extent of his depression, it reeks of excuse), there's no excuse for that kind of behavior. My girlfriend has a severe anxiety disorder and borderline bi-polar, and she manages to be both faithful and respectful of both my feelings and my time. That's not a question of mental health, it's a question of character. I'm a huge gamer. Sometimes I can get lost in games for weeks on end. I have issues with impulse control in that regard. And I still make time for my girlfriend to do other things. Again, it's a question of basic character and respect. Your boyfriend, if you'll pardon my french, sounds like a selfish twat.
Unless you've completely misrepresented the situation in your original post, there's been at least a few significant breaches of trust and respect in your relationship. The bit about borrowing money from you to take a girl out behind your back is nauseating. It's one thing to lose interest and fall out of love in a relationship. That happens all the time, and really can't be helped. The way this guy has gone about it, though, is cowardly and repugnant.
I cannot stress this enough. Maybe you're a terrible person, I don't know. You can self reflect on why this relationship fell apart, but from the sounds of it, it's fallen apart badly, and your boyfriend has handled it like a total dick. Presumably you love yourself enough and think enough of yourself that you don't fantasize about being with someone who treats you like shit, yeah? If you don't already, you need to start. This guy does not merit a second chance.
Please do not give this guy a second chance.
I have to agree with this guy and point back to my original post. You're better off but I also know that people often can't break up with their partners based on what others say, it's something you have to do on your own which is why I started to go more neutral in the discussion.BloatedGuppy said:
Just remember to keep your integrity.
Not sure about a year being enough time really. I took almost 3 years to ask my wife because I wanted to be absolutely sure. That said, it sounds like this guy needs to get some "stuff" out of his system. It also sounds like he needs a swift boot to the ass. Guys like that make it much harder for the rest of us frankly.
I think you have to decide, after this, whether or not you envision yourself with him for the next 30+ years. Despite the divorce rates, marriage is a long-term WHOLE commitment. I don't think he's ready by half from his actions. And I DO think he'll just hurt you more. Be careful. Find someone that will cherish you when you're on top of the world and who will also cherish you when you're in pjs, just relaxing.
I'm not particularly religious but this was read at my wedding and I think it is apt here:
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
Find someone who emobodies this as close as possible. Don't look for perfect because that is a myth. And remember: You are worth having someone be your forever. It just doesn't seem like this current BOY is.
I think you have to decide, after this, whether or not you envision yourself with him for the next 30+ years. Despite the divorce rates, marriage is a long-term WHOLE commitment. I don't think he's ready by half from his actions. And I DO think he'll just hurt you more. Be careful. Find someone that will cherish you when you're on top of the world and who will also cherish you when you're in pjs, just relaxing.
I'm not particularly religious but this was read at my wedding and I think it is apt here:
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
Find someone who emobodies this as close as possible. Don't look for perfect because that is a myth. And remember: You are worth having someone be your forever. It just doesn't seem like this current BOY is.
I should have worded that bit a little better. He didn't borrow it so he could do that. We went town the day before and I borrowed him some money because he had none, incase he wanted anything, and he was to pay me back tomorrow. He used what was left to take her the next day.BloatedGuppy said:
I know a year isn't enough time, but back then he seemed so sure.. everything pretty much was perfect. I don't know what changed between then and now.
... I'm not sure what to do. Maybe listen to what he has to say for himself first after time apart..? IDK... ><;
No, you worded it fine (although the word you are looking for is "loaned"). He took money from you, used said money to take another girl out on a date. Fairly despicable stuff. There's really no defending it, it's cartoon asshole territory.xWestie said:
The thing to do is let him go. I know it's easy to get wrapped up in relationships, especially if you don't have a lot of experience with them. Having had my share of relationships throughout my life, I have a better handle now than I did in my teens or twenties about what constitutes a good relationship worth fighting for, and what constitutes a shitty relationship worth leaving. I realize what I'm getting here is an editorialized version of a small patch of time, but unless you're fabricating the entire thing I can honestly say this guy sounds like one giant red flag. Believe me when I say that losing this idiot is not something that should be keeping you up at night.xWestie said:
I think it's really important though, no matter what you do, that you recognize and acknowledge that how he treated you is unacceptable. Have higher standards for yourself than this. Depression is not and will never be a reason for lying to, ignoring, or cheating on someone. Mental illnesses are not get out of jail free cards for bad behavior, and from the sounds of it his major issue is "being an asshole", not being depressed.
My point is if you aren't sure after a year...will you ever be sure? I wasn't specifically talking about marriage either, just relationships in general. And regardless he should of just given what was left of your money back to you instead of spending it on some girl.
I see your points... just obviously
its difficult. He's always meant so much to me and I'm just confused about why he's changed so much. I'm just always wondering if I'd given him more space instead of dragging him everywhere with me to get him off the xbox, would this be happening? As anyone knows, it's hard to let go of someone you've been with.. even just 2-3 years. When he has bothered to spend time with me, it feels like nothings wrong. He always seemed happier.. I really don't know.
Maybe I just need more time to think.
its difficult. He's always meant so much to me and I'm just confused about why he's changed so much. I'm just always wondering if I'd given him more space instead of dragging him everywhere with me to get him off the xbox, would this be happening? As anyone knows, it's hard to let go of someone you've been with.. even just 2-3 years. When he has bothered to spend time with me, it feels like nothings wrong. He always seemed happier.. I really don't know.
Maybe I just need more time to think.
Well as a guy who has seen many guy behaviors let me just gently suggest you get the fuck out of there, because he is planning that for a while.
I understand there are feelings that make you want to keep him around forever but he does not have the same intention, and the longer you hang onto this corpse of a relationship the worse that stench will be.
I understand there are feelings that make you want to keep him around forever but he does not have the same intention, and the longer you hang onto this corpse of a relationship the worse that stench will be.
It rather looks like he wants to keep his options open in case this girl doesn't work out. If he truly wanted to be with you then he wouldn't mess you around like this. I would try to move on, it seems like he just doesn't want to be single, and you deserve better than that. Even if he did come back to you, you wouldn't be happy together. You would still be looking out for the next girl he'd be chasing.
It's hard but it will be better for your happiness in the long run if you start afresh.
It's hard but it will be better for your happiness in the long run if you start afresh.
You can't blame yourself over this; people unfortunately change and decide they want different things. The novelty at the start of the relationship usually wears off over time and you can start being more comfortable with them. For some people, that means they get bored and want a new relationship to excite them.xWestie said:
He sounds immature and selfish to be quite honest. I like a good ol' game on the xbox but I don't let it override my life to the point of me not wanting to spend time with my partner.
I honestly can't stand it when people take their girlfriends for granted like that! I'm sure there's plenty of guys on here who would love a girlfriend like you, your boyfriend has one and ignores you?
A healthy relationship is very much about giving each other space, doing your own thing. Maybe he goes out with friends, maybe you go out with yours. But you have to spend time together as a couple too. He shouldn't be coming home two hours later than promised regularly. You're certainly not "dragging him away from his xbox" to go out. Unless you don't let him play on it at all, which I doubt. It's not dragging him any where. If you're a couple, you spend time together, going out rather than watching him on his xbox. That's what couples do.
Like everyone has said, it sounds like the relationship has run it's course. It'll hurt you more in the long run if you drag it out and you need to start looking after number one and worrying about your own happiness - he certainly isn't. I understand if he's depressed, that can change a lot of people. You can't keep going back to him though; if it didn't work the second time, it won't work the next five, ten or twentieth time.
If he wants to throw everything away for a girl he barely knows who is clearly not interested, then LOL at him.
And if you're the one to break it off with him, I have a feeling he might give you the, "no please, we can work it out..." bullshit speech because he knows he's seriously about to lose you. Stick to your guns. You deserve better by the sounds of it.
To be honest, I would just ask yourself what would have happened if that girl wasn't a lesbian and go from there. Dude is pretty much ready to ditch you.
I would shut that door before it gets slammed in your face. You deserve a guy who wants to be with you.
I would shut that door before it gets slammed in your face. You deserve a guy who wants to be with you.
I'm sure this doesn't help atm but you're really much, much, much better off.xWestie said:
Here's hoping your next boyfriend isn't a complete chode and actually pays some attention to you.
Yeah, so do I. He's only my 2nd boyfriend, some people would say y'know.. not that many. But After my 1st boyfriend, I didn't think I'd trust men again. He treated me worse even than this. I think this ones almost cemented that now. I put all my trust in him because I'd known him for years. And He's suddenly changed from being a lovely, decent guy to... well, like most other guys. (Not every other, I know. But still.)BloatedGuppy said:
I'm gonna find it extremely difficult to trust again.
Best not to worry about what other people do or don't do, because you can't control that. Worry about yourself and try to take what lessons you can from any given relationship, even if that lesson is to set better boundaries for yourself and expect better treatment. We can't stop people from being assholes, but we can get better at recognizing assholes and stop ourselves from falling for them over and over again.xWestie said:
As for not trusting men, you're best off heading that notion off at the pass. I spent a good portion of my early 20's bitter at women because of some bad relationships, and all I ever got from it was a lot of bitterness and a lot of wasted years. Men aren't a collective, and there are just as many good guys as dicks in the world. Just be the best person you can be, and learn how you like to be treated, and make your relationship choices from there. A couple of failed relationships and a couple of shit boyfriends isn't the end of the world. Most people will go through MANY relationships before finding someone they can spend a prolonged period of time with. The vast, vast majority of all the relationships and friendships you have in your life will be transitory. You just need to take what joy (or lessons) you can from them.
I know they're not all the same. And I'm not saying I won't completely trust anyone again. I mean its gonna be /really/ difficult. ... I took a chance with him because he was different, I trusted him from the get go and .... He changed. So quick and suddenly, I can't understand why.BloatedGuppy said:
... But yeah, I guess I've alot to learn from this.
And I can assure you, he'll be getting a huge slap from me when he gets home monday. We're gonna stay friends like; I've known him since I was little. But he's gonna get a piece of my mind when he's back. =/
edit: And I can say what I want because he's already dumped me so it doesnt matter >>? lol
I feel for you, I do. I've been dumped. I've been cheated on. I know how bad it can hurt, and I truly, truly sympathize. This is the advice forum though, so you'll need to put up with a little prosthelytizing from me. =)xWestie said:
You don't have to look much further than the off-topic forum of this website to see what happens when people get bitter about the opposite sex. It can poison your relationships for YEARS. You'll forever be making innocent people pay the toll for the crimes of relationships past. I ruined a couple of perfectly lovely relationships that way. If I can help someone else avoiding making the same dumbass mistakes, I'm going to try.
It's good you can stay friends. I've stayed friends with many of my exes. They can make excellent friends, if you can avoid carrying a torch for them. I should probably stop calling the guy names now, I suppose. =P
(PS - Best guess on him changing? He fell out of love, and stopped courting you.)
Oh I'm not bitter with men. TBH, friend wise, I get on better with men than women. Most girls I know are too bitchy and two-faced with each other.. I don't want to be involved in that. I find men sometimes are a little more honest with each other. The ones I know anyway. I mean from a relationship point of view..BloatedGuppy said:
My 1st boyfriend trampled all over me; I was 14/15 back then and had no self-confidence. He cheated on me.. flirted with girls right in front of me.. shouted at me for getting upset.. forced me into certain things I was too young/didnt want to do.. and dumped me each time he didnt get his own way.
My current ex may not have done that... but how he's been the last week has really betrayed my trust. Hell, even some of how he's been /acting/ the last year hasn't been right. I've just really hoped we could make things work. He never put in the effort.
I don't want to lose him from my life. I've had too many people walk out of my life. Including my own mother recently.
And he's alot he needs help with. I still want to be there for him. I was thinking today, and this xbox addiction of his, if he doesnt sort himself out soon, really is going to ruin his life. Since we moved out and he's had so much time to play on it... he lost all ambition it seems. He can't motivate himself to do the things he's always said he wants to do.