Feeling Depressed? Express yourself!

[Mykal Stype]

Wheeeee, depression thread! They always have potential to make me feel good. I'm not sarcastic when I say that either. I've lived with bipolar disorder since I was very young, in about Grade School--I'm 23 now--so it's actually nice to know that there's other people like me. It gives me hope that there's someone out there that understands me and doesn't ask me to "just feel happy." I know it might sound mean or weird to be happy to know sadness, but it makes you feel less alone. It's one of the reasons why Xiu Xiu is one of my favourite bands. I use Xiu Xiu for when I'm in a hole, Sigur Rós for when I feel a panic attack coming, and then The National for maintaining myself when I'm good. And yes, this means that I carry an MP3 player around for my mental well being as I might need something quickly.

Here's Xiu Xiu

Spoiler

Warning for this one: there's boobs for about a second in the video. I just am using this one as most Xiu Xiu songs are very difficult, but this one is OK for starters. Also, other videos can be worse. I didn't embed this one, because boobs.

Spoiler

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hYKGR8Er4vM

Sigur Rós

Spoiler

and The National

Spoiler

 

[Mykal Stype]

As for more OT:
I'm 23 and have gone nowhere and have a shitty job. I never bothered to do well in High School because I honestly expected to kill myself by now, so why would I have worked so hard when I could be trying to make myself happy instead before I die?
So then after HS I started actually trying because I started trying to live, but I could only go to "safety schools" because of the whole HS sucking thing. When I got to college, I tried everything I could and was unhappy with every career choice I tried. I really want to write, but there's societal and family pressure to give up on that and become a normal person with one of those jobs I hated.
Now I'm at the point where one of my friends has actually helped him write something, and if it gets published, I finally won't be a disappointment. Which is actually problematic in itself; I used to tell myself "you can't kill yourself now. If you kill yourself now, you'll be a disappointment and die like that. You have to do something before then. Then you can kill yourself." I said that to myself multiple times during breakdowns to try to talk myself out of them (when you're in a hole, you usually come up with unreasonable excuses you never would have), but that carried over to my normal self and now I have books 1/2 to 3/4 done because I'm afraid to finish them, because if they are published I won't be a disappointment, and then I might hurt myself when I'm back in the hole. I've even tossed one book by telling myself it wasn't good enough, and then now wish I didn't and have been trying to replicate it with no success.

And then compound this with hypnagogic and hypnopompic hallucinations that come up every so often and make me scared to sleep, my pills losing their power and not wanting to add a higher dosage, and not talking to my friend about it because I feel like I've put him through enough, and I'm still fucking myself up more. The hallucinations aren't my fault, but I recognize all of the other problems can be fixed, but I can't make myself do it. Anyone else with bipolar or unipolar depression probably recognizes that feeling of watching yourself hurt yourself but feeling unable to stop it. Like there's some other part of yourself that's actively trying to destroy your life, but your rational you can't stop it from happening. I call that other person Fuckhead.

Now I'm going to buy myself some chocolate, because I opened up and now deserve it. So there.

 

[Mykal Stype]

Oh yeah, and then there's the fact that I'm being pushed into going into Phoenix University to do the last job I can think of that will only make me mildly depressed, so now the success of the aforementioned book is in a race with the college. If the book works, I can make that my career. If not, I'm stuck helping drug addicts. Which is a weird job to be the least depressed taking, I know.

 

[Vale]

I failed to achieve anything, my dreams of making music or writing were destroyed by the simple reality that I have no creative capability or vision, I have nobody to talk to and no prospects for the future, and I can't even kill myself because my family, who I'm basically leeching off of at the moment, would be devastated and I'm too afraid to die anyway.

 

[Shaedn]

My girlfriend of a little over a year is drifting because of a better untold truth I talked to her about a few weeks ago. She says she feels like something's changed, and that she feels it constantly. I don't know what to do, and I'm so afraid I'll lose her. I honestly believe we can recover from this, but she says she doesn't feel the same.

 

[piinyouri]

I have serious resentment built up for my family from a life of marginalization, I have an anger issue, and to compound it, I have trouble communicating what I'm feeling and thinking.

This tends to lead me to being either a rage-y **** or a quiet morose loner.

 

[Angie7F]

I have been having weird eating problems for the past week and it makes me depressed.
However, I am on a totally hype. So I dont knwo what to make of it.

 

[Anget Colslaw]

I know this sounds silly and petty compared to everything else posted here but listening to Mal in Borderlands 2 sent me into bit of an melancholy and misanthropic attitude. Other than that, spending time on tumblr makes me realize how untalented I am.

 

[TrulyBritish]

Life is meaningless, time is an illusion. Eventually we all die and everything we experienced will cease to matter. The time between our birth and death is just a blip that will pass before we know it, and the only real thing that matters is avoiding suffering as much as possible along the way.

Accomplishments are pointless. Learning is pointless. The human race are like locusts at this point and are destroying the Earth. The beauty that does exist, waterfalls, forests, nature in general is being destroyed and if it keeps up, it may become permanent.

Death is something to look forward to. When you die, it's all over. No more pointless effort to exist, no more trying to find things to entertain your brain or keep it occupied all the time. No more responsibilities for others that force you to do things you would rather not. If there is anything beyond death for humans, we will all eventually have to deal with it anyway, so putting it off doesn't change a thing. So death is what should be celebrated, not birth. We should all have death days every year where we celebrate the day we will eventually die (planning deaths in advance would give us all something to look forward to!).

You're a real barrel of laughs aren't you? -_-
I mostly agree with you, but still...
OT: Well let's see, no job, stuck in a uni course I'm not doing that well in for a dream job down the line I'm not sure I'd be any good at either. Feeling lonely and ever more introverted because I can't BE myself around my uni friends without not fitting in horrendously...
Plus the fact I can't help but feel I don't actual have any redeeming talent.

 

[Talaris]

I suffer from social anxiety and have done so for numerous years. Feeling of isolation from the difficulties in being around anyone led to pretty bad depression, which spiraled out of control at the end of last year. On my birthday near Christmas, I was called out by my boss for being too negative when speaking to others and my general melancholy behaviour in the office, as well as taking too much sick leave. When I confessed about my social issues, he merely patted me on the back and said "Don't worry you'll pull through it" which made me feel 3 inches tall. The worse of it though was the mandatory office Christmas party that same day, where as usual the anxiety started to really mess me up. I couldn't even sit down to calm myself without groups of people asking me why I'm not talking to anyone, and enjoying myself on my birthday, and I tried to walk out early but was caught by some colleagues smoking outside who pushed me to stay longer. One of the worst days of my life.

Fortunately I'm seeing a therapist for social anxiety now and things are looking brighter. My biggest problem right now is studying for a Cisco networking qualification, where I have 3 weeks to learn everything. I'm terrible at studying, nothing ever goes in and I dropped out of Uni a few years back because of the stress of it all. Problem is my company is paying for the tuition, and I don't know what'll happen if I fail the exams and make them waste all the money. The stress from worrying about it makes me procrastinate in order to feel instant relief even more frequently, and it's an endless cycle.

 

[ShipofFools]

I should really continue my study, but I'm too scared I'd fail, so I avoid it as much as possible. Making my work less then it could have been. Making me scared I'd fail.

It's a circle, and I have no idea how to get out!

Also some pretentious existential stuff that is important to me anyway, but I'll deal with it on my own terms.

The stress from worrying about it makes me procrastinate in order to feel instant relief even more frequently, and it's an endless cycle.

I'd hug you if I could, mate.

 

[T3hSource]

Well, I'll be darned and then I thought I could be a real downer with my occasional black pessimistic outlooks and opinions.
But I guess I'm still a bit young, I'm just ending secondary education and will be preparing to go to university, I also have a girlfriend now and our relationship, while complicated is still going pretty well.

I should really continue my study, but I'm too scared I'd fail, so I avoid it as much as possible. Making my work less then it could have been. Making me scared I'd fail.

How do you know you will fail? You don't... that's the gist of it. The future isn't written yet.
I don't worry about failure at all, I don't worry about things I've done my best on. Can I do something more? If I can't I don't really care, if I can, I'll just do it as soon as possible. So why worry? Just do your best and then start concentrating on something else. If you succeed, congratulations, if you fail, try harder next time, there always will be a next time
Both occurrences have the same chance of happening.
Captcha: fools gold - Somehow appropriate

 

[Mykal Stype]

How do you know you will fail? You don't... that's the gist of it. The future isn't written yet.

The problem for a lot of people like this, at least compared to me and a few other people with this problem, is that we feel that the failure is unacceptable (I can't speak for the original poster because I don't know him/her/it/why/Cthulhu). We either know or irrationally believe that if we fail, our dreams are over. For example, if enough of my books fail, I'm going to have to go into a job I really don't want for the rest of my life. So then we irrationally think "if I don't fail, then I'm not a failure. Therefore, if I don't try, I won't fail. If I don't fail, then I'm not a failure, so I get to keep my dreams for a bit longer, even if I don't act on them." So it's not really a fear of failing, it's a fear of losing what keeps us going.
Does that make sense? I have a tendency to ramble without knowing it because it makes sense in my head.

 

[Mr F.]

Well, my dad died and then my partner left me. Now I am utterly alone with the weight of the world on my shoulders because apparently if one is intelligent, one must achieve. The greatest mistake I made was letting on how smart I am.

Bleh.

Plus a heap of clinical depression and new meds that do not seem to be helping whatsoever, hell I got blasted and tried to An Hero last night, that was a good idea! Now along with everything else I am in pain whenever I move my left hand. Life is totally, totally awesome.

Also, to the people who go "You have nothing to complain about if you live in the modern world". Everything is relative. In comparison to some, my life is amazing. Remembering that just makes people like myself more miserable. Yes, people have it worse, I accept that.

But I am still depressed. Its not something you just snap out of.

 

[EeveeElectro]

This sounds silly and childish.

My neighbors cat went missing Monday morning. I put his picture on Facebook and asked people to contact me if they see him. I got a message off a guy who works for the council and said he found him ran over outside my street on Tuesday morning. He's been taken to the council yard and has probably been incinerated now.

The guy seemed determined to tell me how messy it was and he was in a bad state, I cant stop thinking about him all dead and squashed and I can't sleep now.
Anyone who knows me will understand why I'm so upset. I keep looking at pictures of him and dissolving into tears. He was a lovely cat and we all adored him. I wont see him again and I have to break it to my neighbor tomorrow... Poor kitty ;_; this is heartbreaking.

 

[luccadeas]

Ahh, it's good to know that this thread has done it's job and acted as a therapeutic vent.

I hope you all are feeling better!

 

[DarkSeraphim02]

I suffer from several medical problems, developmental delays, social anxiety disorder and depression just to name three.
I'm unemployable as a result of my problems and despite trying to get help I've pretty much been told that unless I try to off myself (and fail naturally) there is nothing that can be done.

I've tried to get a shrink, figuring that's better than nothing, but they don't make housecalls where I live and I can't leave my house without having panic attacks so severe I mentally regress to the state of a 4 year old, which isn't good since I'm 27. As a result of other factors in my life I'm also an extreme pessimist and cynic and have been this way for so long that it's ingrained into my personality.

I've no friends that aren't online and I've no real interests outside video games and a rather sad yearning for a girlfriend, despite the fact I know I'm not really relationship material in my current state. It also doesn't help much that my own mother has told me to my face that I need to get laid.

Lately however I've had no desire to do much of anything besides sleep, which, due to physical pain, I can't do anyway. I don't even have the oomph to play any of my games. So for the last few days I've been either puttering around on the internet, passing time watching let's plays, listening to music, or just sitting here staring blankly at my keyboard.

It's been so long since I've played any of my games that my ex is getting bummed out over my not being around and another of my online friends thinks I'm dead, and apparantly haunting him because he's been having dreams about Canada.

 

[T3hSource]

[....]we feel that the failure is unacceptable. We either know or irrationally believe that if we fail, our dreams are over. For example, if enough of my books fail, I'm going to have to go into a job I really don't want for the rest of my life.

Failure is acceptable, we are humans, flawed by nature, blessed by nature at the same time. Life can't go on without a few failures, as long as you can stand up and keep going forward, then failure just means that you've learned a new lesson, see it as an opportunity to improve, there is no reason to look back on it as a result, but how it happened and not let it happen again. We're always learning, even when we're over our 80s. Don't see it as a dream-crushing consequence, see it as a learning experience.
If you do fail repeatedly at something, then you're just not cut out for it, so try something new, or try a completely differet method of approaching. Experimentation is quite an exciting experience.

So then we irrationally think "if I don't fail, then I'm not a failure. Therefore, if I don't try, I won't fail. If I don't fail, then I'm not a failure, so I get to keep my dreams for a bit longer, even if I don't act on them."

If you don't even bother, then you will never succeed, just as you would never fail. So, you would rather take the option of tomporarily keeping your dream instead of the chance, no matter how slim it might be, of realizing it forever? That's honestly pathetic, sorry if that sounds crude, but I like to be blunt to others, so they can face and embrace the truth.
Being a coward isn't a bad thing, because a coward sooner or later has to face and conquer his/her own fears, because they can't stay and be their own worst enemy forever, otherwise I don't want to imagine what a miserable experience that might be. When I do something I don't think about the future, I only do what I can at the moment, I don't think about what should,might and can happen, I think about what's the best thing I can do right now, and of course I also look at my past mistakes to make sure i don't make them again.
Life will be boring if you don't take a few risks now and then, and definitely won't be any more secure if you don't even try to take risks.

So it's not really a fear of failing, it's a fear of losing what keeps us going.

You can always change or alter your dream, maybe even come up with a new one, but then again that depends on the kind of person you are. I personally don't really have a lot of dreams, aside from a peaceful,yet diverse life with a family.
But then, my argument stands, you just stay with your dream, but for how long? How will you feel that you didn't even take a chance when it was given to you, out of fear? I doubt it would be any better :/
There is certain pride and redemption to be found when you did take a chance, no matter if you failed, or someone else bettered you. You'll be able to say 'Well, at least I tried.' and move forward with a clearer conscience.

[....]I'm going to have to go into a job I really don't want for the rest of my life.

Because of that, one time I came up with the philosophy of " A job is to be tolerated, not enjoyed.", which isn't entirely true, you can enjoy your work,but just not as much as a hobby, because money changes everything.

Does that make sense? I have a tendency to ramble without knowing it because it makes sense in my head.

Heheh, then we have something in common, even as you read this post, there are definitely plenty of grammatical mistakes and lack of complete text cohesiveness, because I can't express all my thoughts into words fast enough
I'm not a psychotherapist, even if it seems I'm really trying hard with such a wall of text, but please take this post with as much salt you want(I recommend a few mountains of salt, as if you got this from 4chan/b/ )

 

[excalipoor]

*snip*

I don't think you quite understand. This "can't fail if you never try" line of thinking is self-destructive, that much is obvious, but it isn't something you can just reason away. What you've just said is readily apparent to most of us (well, to me anyway, and to Mykal Stype too I'm sure), but the problem is that depression and logic just don't go hand in hand.

Just because a claustrophobe knows the room isn't suddenly going to collapse on them doesn't mean the anxiety is suddenly going to vanish.

Well, I just found out that I haven't got cent to my name because I stress binged on food... so now I'm fat and broke.

On the bright side, that's a problem that sort of takes care of itself! Well, half of it anyhow.

 

[T3hSource]

[...] but the problem is that depression and logic just don't go hand in hand.

Yeah, I can have a hard time keeping that in mind, because I solve pretty much everything with reason instead of emotion. Whether for good or bad, I just calmly accept it as it is.
Despite that I always find it enlightening to know more about people and individuals