First Date, Gifts From The Guy

[Miyenne]

If a guy tried to give me gifts on a first date, third date, fifth date, two year anniversary, I would feel very uncomfortable. But I was raised that if I wanted something, I was to earn the money to buy it myself. And that mentality translated to "I don't like useless shit." Jewelery? Nope. Flowers? Only if they're a potted plant I can keep and grow. Kitchen stuff? If I need it, sure! Except I don't like to cook...

I even have my own engagement ring. It was my grandmothers. When the ex proposed I said "Okay, let me get my ring." That he didn't argue even a bit should have tipped me off, but oh well. He never gave me gifts either, which didn't bother me, except for our last Valentines together he kept insisting he had a gift, but four months later he was still saying "Almost done..." Yeah.

I wouldn't want to feel indebted to anyone, so I would have to refuse.

 

[KOMega]

Spoiler: Quote snip

Men: Do you feel the need to impress the female by giving gifts?

It depends... But, in general, no. Not really.

I'd rather my potential partner like to be with me because they like my personalty, not because what material goods I could provide.

Do you find it annoying if the girl attempts to help pay the bill,

No. Frankly, I'd rather there be separate checks. This first date should be about two people trying to get to know each other, not one person getting a free meal.

or refuses what you're trying to give her?

Personally, if she wanted to pay, I'd offer assistance. If she refused, I'd ask if she was sure. If she said she was sure, I'd let the matter drop.

I pretty much agree with the above.

1. I think gifts are for special occasions. You could say dates are special occasions but I think those are more for getting to know each other. And what if the date doesn't fall through?

2. Separate or split. I would still be trying to get to know the other person, let alone give them a free meal :/ Plus, my pockets are not deep or padded

3. Generally I don't think anyone should refuse a gift,
unless the person thinks gifts are like trade-able favors -_-.
But if someone refuses something, it is not my business to push it onto them.

 

[Hazy]

Bear in mind: this if for the first date. In addition, the reason is twofold: One, men are expected to be the dominant of the pair. They are the ones who are to be paying for their dates, as they are entrusted into their care for the evening. It's just the proactive protocol.

Again, that's a really old-fashioned way of looking at things and if you do date, well I don't know what sort of women you date - but the sort of women I'm interested in would take offence to that notion and are out for equality. This isn't the 1950s any more, hasn't been for some time. There's a difference between me offering to foot the bill, being happy to do so, them graciously accepting -- and both parties just assuming that that's to be the case. If I were to find out my date was assuming I'd pay then she'd be in for a shock.

They don't just "assume" I'm going to foot the bill, I tell them that I will. They'll usually object, we'll do the whole playful "No I'll pay, no I'll pay" dance, and I end up telling the waitress to run and swipe the card while I keep her at bay. Women like a man who can take care of himself, and others as well. It's the same reason why animals choose the strongest, most dominant leader of the pack - because they have their shit together, and their the most likely to ensure stronger, protected children.

Your second point is slightly less objectionable but in many people's opinion should still be flexible and open to negotiation. As for you saying you earn more than your dates, how do you know without asking for their salary details before you set off? Or do you aim for that sort of woman so you can reinforce this domineering role you wish to maintain?

Good question. I work two jobs, both of which pay pretty handsomely. I won't go into specifics. Anyway, I typically hang out with girls before the big date night, get to know them, ask them where they work, so on and so forth. The general answer I get is either "waitress," "cashier," etc. Y'know, positions 20 something college women typically fill.

As for "roles," I don't really seek a type of woman in particular. They're all fair game.

 

[absulute]

Sometimes. I've also received gifts.

This one time, I got a new dresser just for inviting her over to my place. then I was randomly approached and given a track top.

thanks much.

 

[Amaury_games]

Men: Do you feel the need to impress the female by giving gifts? Do you find it annoying if the girl attempts to help pay the bill, or refuses what you're trying to give her?

1)I do, to some extent. But not right away. It's more like, if I'm on vacation, or I'm at someplace I know she never goes to, and I see something I think she'll like from that place (like some kind of souvenir), I'll buy it.

2) I don't find it annoying at all. I think it shows that she enjoys my company, and not that she just wants to be with me so she can have free food/drinks. On the other hand, I'm not really opposed to me paying for the whole thing, especially if I'm the one who made the initial plans for the date in the first place. As for a girl refusing what I give her, I might feel dejected to some extent, but in the end, I respect her choice.

I'm a man (without "gut punch" /Linkara reference), and I'm too lazy to write right now, so basically this up here. Sums up quite well the first thoughts I had when I saw your story and question.
Honestly, I found a bit weird that the guy you went out with tried to shove so many gifts right at the first date... or so many at one date for that matter. Probably, he got nervous. ^_^ I can relate to getting nervous and being silly without realizing it until later and feeling like a tool then.

 

[DuelLadyS]

I'm put off when people refuse gifts- but only when they're proper gifts, as in I picked it out and bought it already- offering to grab something on the spot is different.

The game is one thing... a cheap used game is a nice switch from ye standard 'flowers for date'... but I would've been REALLY creeped out by the continued attempts. I'd feel like he was trying to buy my affections, or worse- that he'd 'expect' something for his generosity by the end of the night.

As for who pays on a date- I am of the 'the asker pays' group. If you as me for coffee/movie/whatever, I'm assuming you're buying, unless you specify up front you're not. I'd find it the height of rudeness for someone to make the plans, but then expect me to foot the bill- you don't know much I've got, I might've made very different plans if I'd known I was buying.

 

[Teoes]

snip

That explains things much better, thanks. I'm not necessarily going to agree with the full sentiment but I can at least see better where you're coming from now.

oooh look the age old battle between forth right young buck and posturing liberal hipster is playing out in the post above, score draw as ever I reckon.

That's hilarious! I'll give you 'posturing' and 'liberal', but I've never been hipster in my life. You take that back or there'll be fisticuffs.

 

[Hazy]

snip

That explains things much better, thanks. I'm not necessarily going to agree with the full sentiment but I can at least see better where you're coming from now.

Anytime! My bad for not making it clearer in the first place.

 

[GonzoGamer]

My mom raised me to never be in debt. Not just with dates, but if I ate when visiting my friends as a kid or something, she's be adamant that I'd have to bring food or something with me the next time I went there.

So I'd feel really awkward if a woman I went out with (I'm a lesbian) would buy me gifts, or refuse to split the bill.

I know a couple who are really generous. They will just give you stuff (which they really can't even afford) if you visit them, I mentioned how good the bottle of expensive tequila was, and they ended up giving me the whole almost-full bottle. I feel really awkward hanging out with those two.

I wouldn't give gifts on a first date either. Unless maybe it was something that was free for me or cheap and they expressed interest. I did give some roaches to a lady once. (I have a colony)

But I would do that for someone I wasn't interested romantically too.

The roaches top mine. The oddest gift i ever gave a girl on a first date was a haircut. She found out that I can cut hair, mentioned that she wanted hers done, so I offered. Chalk would be the second weirdest. But usually for me, first date gifts were (I've been married for several years mind you) mix tapes/CDs(yea, I've been married that long), an obscure movie I copied, cookies I baked, maybe a book, but usually something homemade. I agree totally that first date gifts should be low on price if not relatively free.

OP, yes the gifts are meant to impress you. We're trying to show that we listen to you about what you like and are willing to put in the time and effort to do something thoughtful with the information. However, it is understandable to be weirded out by especially extravagant gifts on the very first date. I would feel like I was put under pressure, not to "put out" or anything but to impress and you should feel more relaxed on a first date.
As for paying the bill, I always did that. However, if it was a girl that asked me out, I would've been comfortable going dutch or letting her pay. You understand that we have to offer to pay, it's practically hardwired into our dna at this point...well, most of us at least.

 

[SonOfVoorhees]

Shouldnt give gifts on a first date, just to awkward. Maybe on the second date you could get something that she mentioned, though nothing expensive. Just to show you listened and took note of what she said. A nice silly gift. Again nothing expensive.

As for paying for meals, i would pay, but i appreciate a woman that asks to pay half, but i would decline, if she insists then i would say yes.

I think its more important to treat her right, listen and not be to over bearing. Then for the second date, if you get one, you can arrange to do something she would enjoy.

 

[Lieju]

I did give some roaches to a lady once. (I have a colony)

But I would do that for someone I wasn't interested romantically too.

The roaches top mine. The oddest gift i ever gave a girl on a first date was a haircut.

Well, I better get the important questions out of the way first. Like 'is she okay with invertebrates and reptiles?'. Because when I show my flat to them it would be nice if they were impressed by my animal-collection, rather than running away screaming.

 

[GonzoGamer]

I did give some roaches to a lady once. (I have a colony)

But I would do that for someone I wasn't interested romantically too.

The roaches top mine. The oddest gift i ever gave a girl on a first date was a haircut.

Well, I better get the important questions out of the way first. Like 'is she okay with invertebrates and reptiles?'. Because when I show my flat to them it would be nice if they were impressed by my animal-collection, rather than running away screaming.

lol. Having known a couple of her previous boyfriends, I would say yes, she seemed very comfortable with them. Have you ever actually had a girl run away screaming? They should at least try and be polite.
The more I think about it, the haircut was a great first date gift, I usually don't get to do so much touching on a first date.

 

[krazykidd]

Nope . Before , if i was i buy a gift for a girl it's to get into her pants ( it worked ). Now i'm older and less naive , so i can get into their pants without spending a penny ( on her ) , which i do . I believe in equality of the sexes , so i'm not going out of my way to impress anyone . Which ironically impresses them ( Women , how do they work?). No gifts , no surprises , if that doesn't bode wel for them , i flush em , there are many more( less complicated ) fish in the sea.

Now , if i had oodles of cash , i wouldn't mind using my money to my advantage , but i don't so i find another vantage advantage to exploite, or find someone easier . Meh .

 

[Quiet Stranger]

I give my girlfriend gifts whenever the situation suits it, my girlfriend's life is shit so I give her as much love as I can. Though to be honest I'd love to start being the one getting gifts, she doesn't have a job but even home made macaroni art would make me happy.

 

[Lieju]

Have you ever actually had a girl run away screaming? They should at least try and be polite.

Not a girl, no, but I have run into some pretty arachnophobic people. Not just 'eek, spiders are cross!', but legitimate phobias.

 

[Angelous Wang]

For dates nothing more than flowers or maybe chocolates/sweets, though fully willing to pay for date itself (tickets/meals ect).

I'm not really one for buying gifts other than birthdays and other annual special days. That said if I was going out with a girl and we were in a shop and she really, really liked something (and it wasn't expensive) I'd probably get it for her.

 

[Plinglebob]

Do you find it annoying if the girl attempts to help pay the bill

As a guy, I would expect (and want) to pay the , but I'd hope she would offer to split the cost. Regarding gifts, while I may go for flowers, I'd only get a gift if its someone I've known for a while.

 

[aba1]

I wouldn't give gifts myself. On a first date you are getting to know each other and giving gifts and paying for meals and other things comes off like you are trying to buy your dates affection and don't respect them to treat them enough to same as yourself. Besides if they wanted you to be buying them stuff on the first date I wouldn't want to be with them to begin with since it implies either they believe in gender roles or they feel I am less than them and owe them just for their time which is insulting.

 

[barbzilla]

So I just got done with a first date with a nice young man, although in the end we both decided that it was probably for the best to remain friends. That being said, I have a curious questions for both the males and females of the forum.

During the date, the man in question decided to purchase me a video game which of course I was happy about (Psychonauts finally). However, I always feel awkward when receiving gifts, even during Christmas. When I attempted to refuse, he said that it was annoying when a girl refuses a mans gifts during a date. As the date continued he kept trying to give me more items, but I was able to refuse all of them.

So, men and a women, what are your views on giving gifts on a first date?

Men: Do you feel the need to impress the female by giving gifts? Do you find it annoying if the girl attempts to help pay the bill, or refuses what you're trying to give her?

Female: How do you feel about receiving gifts? Do you feel it's rude to refuse a gift? At one point is it taken too far?

I think you did the right thing in refusing the gifts. A single gift on a date is normal, especially the first date. It creates a memento to remind each other of how it all started (though you should pick this gift up before you go on the date, not during). However, the way he just kept trying to buy you stuff tells me one of two things (since I wasn't there I don't know which). Either A: he is very awkward around women and he wanted to impress you (more likely) or B: he thinks that by buying you stuff he is purchasing your emotions (less likely, but still a common occurrence).

I personally try to keep my first date gifts between the 20 and 50 dollar range. I don't want the gift to be too expensive (as to seem like I'm trying to buy her feelings) nor do I want it to be too cheap to feel like I didn't think the relationship would last.