Fostering children

[ace_of_something]

Recently the wife and I have begun the process of becoming foster parents in hopes to adopt one of her students who is an orphan (she's a teacher). The process in our state for adoption of a kid over a certain age requires you to be a foster parent, which takes training, then having the kid live with you for a minimum of a year before adoption is finalized.

Let's start a general discussion on foster care.

I've always found it odd that there is a general negative vibe around foster care. Mostly due to horror stories some people have. The thing is most of those stories (that I've researched) happened 30+ years ago before the system was as tightly regulated as it is now. As a police officer I've seen many kids go in to foster care but I rarely get to see how they're doing after that.

Fun fact did you know almost all police cars in the united states have a stuffed animal in the trunk so that if you have to suddenly to work with child protective services to remove a child it can give it to them? My department has little anthropomorphic stuffed buffalos or bunnies in a pink dress we give to kids. I've seen a few kids with them and instantly know they're a foster kid. (Another large dept nearby used traditional teddy bears with a blue ribbon)

Secondary question. I have tons of nephews and a few nieces. Though none of my nieces are around this girl's age. Anyway, does anyone know what 11 year old girls like as far as toys/games/music?

I have met her several times FYI.

 

[TheYellowCellPhone]

I like the idea of foster care. If I were ever to get married (likely) and if I ever wanted to have children (likely), then I think I'd prefer a foster child. Just seems so much better and more heart-warming at the moment.

Truth be told, I have no idea at all. The idea of a slightly older me in charge of a kid freaks me the fuck out.

 

[ace_of_something]

Fun fact did you know almost all police cars in the united states have a stuffed animal in the trunk so that if you have to suddenly take a child away you can give it to them? My department has little anthropomorphic stuffed buffalos or bunnies in a pink dress we give to kids.

Fucking called it. I knew police forces were just pedophiles in disguise.

hrmm perhaps I could've phrased that better.

 

[Owyn_Merrilin]

Recently the wife and I have begun the process of becoming foster parents in hopes to adopt one of her students who is an orphan (she's a teacher). The process in our state for adoption of a kid over a certain age requires you to be a foster parent, which takes training, then having the kid live with you for a minimum of a year before adoption is finalized.

Let's start a general discussion on foster care.

I've always found it odd that there is a general negative vibe around foster care. Mostly due to horror stories some people have. The thing is most of those stories (that I've researched) happened 30+ years ago before the system was as tightly regulated as it is now. As a police officer I've seen many kids go in to foster care but I rarely get to see how they're doing after that.

Fun fact did you know almost all police cars in the united states have a stuffed animal in the trunk so that if you have to suddenly take a child away you can give it to them? My department has little anthropomorphic stuffed buffalos or bunnies in a pink dress we give to kids.

Secondary question. I have tons of nephews and a few nieces. Though none of my nieces are around this girl's age. Anyway, does anyone know what 11 year old girls like as far as toys/games/music?

I don't really know much about foster care, but as an ed major who has taken some child psychology courses, as well as a guy who is both close enough to that age to still remember it, and who has a younger sister who is only 6 years past 11, I can tell you that 11 is old enough that it completely depends on the kid. That's late fifth, early sixth grade, and right around the age that high school style interest-based cliques start forming. You'd be better off meeting her first and finding out from her what she's into than asking a bunch of random forum goers.

 

[ace_of_something]

Recently the wife and I have begun the process of becoming foster parents in hopes to adopt one of her students who is an orphan (she's a teacher). The process in our state for adoption of a kid over a certain age requires you to be a foster parent, which takes training, then having the kid live with you for a minimum of a year before adoption is finalized.

Let's start a general discussion on foster care.

I've always found it odd that there is a general negative vibe around foster care. Mostly due to horror stories some people have. The thing is most of those stories (that I've researched) happened 30+ years ago before the system was as tightly regulated as it is now. As a police officer I've seen many kids go in to foster care but I rarely get to see how they're doing after that.

Fun fact did you know almost all police cars in the united states have a stuffed animal in the trunk so that if you have to suddenly take a child away you can give it to them? My department has little anthropomorphic stuffed buffalos or bunnies in a pink dress we give to kids.

Secondary question. I have tons of nephews and a few nieces. Though none of my nieces are around this girl's age. Anyway, does anyone know what 11 year old girls like as far as toys/games/music?

I don't really know much about foster care, but as an ed major who has taken some child psychology courses, as well as a guy who is both close enough to that age to still remember it, and who has a younger sister who is only 6 years past 11, I can tell you that 11 is old enough that it completely depends on the kid. That's late fifth, early sixth grade, and right around the age that high school style interest-based cliques start forming. You'd be better off meeting her first and finding out from her what she's into than asking a bunch of random forum goers.

I have met her and have a pretty good idea.
Fair enough, I just wondered if there was some general pop culture stuff I should be aware of. For example tons of 5th graders love a TV show that has blue platypus character if their T-Shirts are to be believed.

 

[Owyn_Merrilin]

Recently the wife and I have begun the process of becoming foster parents in hopes to adopt one of her students who is an orphan (she's a teacher). The process in our state for adoption of a kid over a certain age requires you to be a foster parent, which takes training, then having the kid live with you for a minimum of a year before adoption is finalized.

Let's start a general discussion on foster care.

I've always found it odd that there is a general negative vibe around foster care. Mostly due to horror stories some people have. The thing is most of those stories (that I've researched) happened 30+ years ago before the system was as tightly regulated as it is now. As a police officer I've seen many kids go in to foster care but I rarely get to see how they're doing after that.

Fun fact did you know almost all police cars in the united states have a stuffed animal in the trunk so that if you have to suddenly take a child away you can give it to them? My department has little anthropomorphic stuffed buffalos or bunnies in a pink dress we give to kids.

Secondary question. I have tons of nephews and a few nieces. Though none of my nieces are around this girl's age. Anyway, does anyone know what 11 year old girls like as far as toys/games/music?

I don't really know much about foster care, but as an ed major who has taken some child psychology courses, as well as a guy who is both close enough to that age to still remember it, and who has a younger sister who is only 6 years past 11, I can tell you that 11 is old enough that it completely depends on the kid. That's late fifth, early sixth grade, and right around the age that high school style interest-based cliques start forming. You'd be better off meeting her first and finding out from her what she's into than asking a bunch of random forum goers.

I have met her and have a pretty good idea.
Fair enough, I just wondered if there was some general pop culture stuff I should be aware of. For example tons of 5th graders love a TV show that has blue platypus character if their T-Shirts are to be believed.

That would be Phineas and Ferb, and if you like cartoons at all, you'd probably love it if you watched it too. It's one of those shows, like Adventure Time and Regular Show, that has at least as big of a periphery demographic as My Little Pony, but they're quieter because they don't feel self conscious about it.

 

[Craorach]

I was in foster care for a few years, but I was a baby so I can barely remember it.

I can tell you though, why there is a stigma about foster care and careers. While it's true that there are horror stories from the past and present, it's also true that the very existence of foster care means there is a tragedy of some magnitude involved.

People who see foster kids generally don't think "oh how nice those people are for taking that child in" they think "how sad that child isn't with their real family".

 

[manic_depressive13]

I think the complicated and lengthy screening process required to adopt a child is positively absurd when someone can just bring their own child into an abusive family and no one seems to give a shit.

 

[Thaluikhain]

I think the complicated and lengthy screening process required to adopt a child is positively absurd when someone can just bring their own child into an abusive family and no one seems to give a shit.

Yeah, I've never quite gotten that. It's not that hard for many people to produce their own children (well, very easy for a man, the woman has to carry it around for 9 months inside her), you can get the process going in, what, 5 minutes? Ok, no guarantee it'll happen for any individual attempt, but still.

 

[JoJo]

I think the complicated and lengthy screening process required to adopt a child is positively absurd when someone can just bring their own child into an abusive family and no one seems to give a shit.

To be fair, fostering or adopting a child is usually harder work than having your own as often they've come from abusive environments or at-least gone through the trauma of losing a parent. While I agree that the current system is too slow and cumbersome, social services should definitely make sure anyone who wants to adopt or foster knows what they are committing to.

OP: The closest I know to that age is my own little sister who's about eight and half so take this as you will but I'm with Owyn that it depends a lot on the kid themselves at that age as they'll be making the transition from child to teen mindset, she could be on either side right now. You can learn the relevant pop culture from her, kids crave attention so I'm sure she'd be glad to share it with you and it might help learn a bit about each other.

 

[requisitename]

I was in foster care for a year and a half (9-10) because I was taken away from abusive parents. It wasn't horrible in the same way, but it was still pretty bad. I was one of five foster kids in the house and our foster parents really had no idea what to do with us. They got *very* angry about our behavior, which to be fair wasn't spectacular, but they didn't care about why we might be acting that way.. they just wanted us to mind and pretend that life was peachy since we were with them. They never hit any of us or anything like that, but I would honestly rather be hit than humiliated. It heals a lot faster.

As I was on my way out, they had two more kids coming in, which I really think probably over-extended them badly. While a family who births six kids and raises them might be able to handle it, it seems to me that taking in six kids ranging in age from 6-15 who have a lot of problems isn't really conducive to those kids getting the best emotional care they can when they need it most. I think there should be a lot stricter limits on how many children a couple are allowed to have at one time and what sort of counseling those children must undergo.

I admire what you're doing because it sounds like you're doing it for the right reasons (i.e. to help a child who needs it, not for the check or validation that you're awesome people). I hope everything works out well for your family. Do be prepared for some problems you might not expect, though. Even if she didn't come from an abusive home, adjusting to a new family/new surroundings can be stressful for a child and she may act out.

On the subject of what to get her? Find out from your wife if she's a bookish sort and, if she is, get her a few of her favorite books and/or books that are recommended for those who have her taste. As a foster kid or a kid in a bad situation at all, books are some of the most precious possessions you can own.

 

[ace_of_something]

Just a harmless little joke dude, I have respect for the police and I didnt mean to insult you if you are an officer.

No worries, I didn't take it that way. The way I had said 'suddenly take a child away' definitively sounded sinister though.

As I was on my way out, they had two more kids coming in, which I really think probably over-extended them badly. While a family who births six kids and raises them might be able to handle it, it seems to me that taking in six kids ranging in age from 6-15 who have a lot of problems isn't really conducive to those kids getting the best emotional care they can when they need it most. I think there should be a lot stricter limits on how many children a couple are allowed to have at one time and what sort of counseling those children must undergo.

As a foster kid or a kid in a bad situation at all, books are some of the most precious possessions you can own.

Did they have any kids of their own in addition to the 6+? That's crazy! That blows that you had to go through a situation like that.

The [a href=http://www.boystown.org/]Agency[/a] that we're using and is training us does a case study on the potential foster parents to see how many kids they think the foster family can handle based on several factors. One of which is the square footage of your home and bedrooms they also have a built in limit of 6. A lot of training revolves around dealing with trauma, positive discipline, and controlling our tempers etc. So hopefully situations like yours won't be repeated.

Apparently, our limit is 5 but we told them we don't want more than 3 at any one time. We were also allowed to put an age bracket and write things you don't think you could handle. For example we said we can't take kids that do cruelty to animals cuz we have kitty cats and are looking to purchase some horses or kids who are known to have gang affiliations because I'm a cop and our home's remote location.

I am the girl's 'pen pal' currently just so when she comes to live with us she won't feel I'm as much of a stranger. Looks like we'll be buying some [a href=http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dear_America]Dear America[/a] books.

 

[the spud]

We've got a Vietnamese foreign exchange student living with us until the end of the school year, and so far we've had no problems. However, that is not nearly as long term a relationship as adopting a foster child.

 

[Crenelate]

Good luck with everything! When I was an 11 year old, I was really into reading. But it really depends on the kid - they're at that stage where their tastes are changing and they're not little kids anymore.

 

[Ragsnstitches]

Though I'm adopted and have been through fostering (and it was apparently a mild horror story), I was far too young to remember any of it (still a baby) and it was over a very short space of time. So my knowledge of what goes on is slim and I don't thrust sensationalist media to portray fairly.

I have to ask you, do you fancy the idea of short term bonding? Not to dissuade you from your decision as it is a noble goal, but I would imagine it would be hard on both the foster parents and the kids (especially the kids) to form new bonds only to have them cut after a relatively short amount of time. What kind of approach would you take or is there a post fostering system for keeping in touch? I would think keeping a distance would be an awful idea, but the severance of a bond to a potentially emotionally damage child might do more damage. Of course that depends on how well the child reciprocates your care.

As for what the kid would like, well, as others have said you can ask her, but being on a gaming site I would suggest a Wii. Family friendly fun if you get the right games and if you have any more kids at any point it can be a good way to diffuse tensions and can be good baseline for bonding with them (if thats what you want) as long as you get yourself involved.

Books are good. If she's of creative stock, art supplies and facilities for doing art, like a study, or a room you don't mind getting messy. Or if your lucky, just some quality writing pens if they are into poetry/writing themselves.

Find out, if you can, where her interests lie and maybe incorporate some skill boosting activities into whatever she's interested in. It could stand to her in the future when she's beyond your care. Again, books can be a good source here, but something practical might be better as she can gauge her interest in the subject by how much she get's into it. As for what to specifically go for in this regard I can't say, too many variables and options to choose from.

Her time with you will be short I assume, so your not obliged to shape her into a person with dreams and aspirations... heck, you're doing a good job if they are fed, washed, well rested and happy. But if you want to go the extra mile some of these things would be good.

 

[Crenelate]

Consider bringing her in with just the basics she needs, and then having her help to make her own space. If she is interested, let her pick the colour of her room, help paint that room, pick out furniture, etc. If you are allowed to do it in advance, those could be fun things to do to get her excited about the move and then she gets to move into HER space.

This is a really good idea. Knowing that she is coming to your home as a family member and not a guest will help her feel more secure after all the bad stuff she's had to go through.