Friends Zone (AKA why aren't we doing this?)

[Geekiest]

Speaking briefly from the female perspective: I've never used the FZ on a guy. Ever. It's a terrible excuse if you're lying, even worse if you're not, and in my opinion, a result of some very unhealthy female mindsets.

I hear it most often from my friends who have unreasonable expectations of men.

They want to fall in love with a guy they never really have to get to know. Friends are people we know and accept for being a fellow human being. I know far too many girls who date men without ever really acknowledging commonality. They want someone to take care of them, love them, be the man of their dreams, but they don't want to have to worry about being a sane, reasonable, loving woman in return. A friend could call them on their bullshit, and has a right to. A boyfriend is there for their self-esteem boost and vending machine of happy brain chemicals.

It's ridiculous, and I regularly fillet friends who display such attitudes. Then again, I'm the super pragmatic dater. I only date if I see long-term partner potential and compatibility. I don't let emotions lead the way, and I'm up-front about that, so I've never had to resort to any excuses but the truth.

 

[McNinja]

Queue teenage girls reading this thread for some unknown reason and saying, "But dating friends is weird."

To be honest, I've never seen anyone escape the Friend Zone, I wouldn't mind seeing some stories of people here if they have.

I have two, both from high school. One I dated, then when we broke up, we "became friends." More or less. I went with more. The break up wasn't entirely mutual, so when I finally got over her, I realized how deep in the Zone I was, and simply decided not to burn any bridges. The whole story is way too long to post here.

The next story is another friend who I liked, and almost dated. However, it didn't work out because apparently I was supposed to do her thinking for her, and I didn't realize that until homecoming, although it didn't sink in until a discussion we had after she got a boyfriend. I got shafted into the friend Zone on that one very, very quickly, but then again I'm not sure I ever left it. Again, really long story.

So I try to refrain from hanging out with them. I've been single far too long, and the last thing I need are people I barely like. Hell, I downright hated the second girl for a while. I was also a moron in High school, so that didn't help. I for one hate the friend zone, and would rather never see the girl again than deal with her. I've been in it way too long.

 

[Watcheroftrends]

Landing in the friend zone is the result of not being a challenge to the girl, and not being forward with your intent. To put it simply, you're being the "nice guy".

What I am about to say can easily be contended, but I believe it is true more often than not.

Women are attracted to the alpha male personality. Ideal male mates are supposed to be confident, independent, and totally in control. In fact, these personal traits make you so "powerful" that you are supposed to be a high value target to women. You need to act as though you can get any girl you want at any time because you are king shit.

With this mindset, you must not see her as a person for whom you are supposed to please, but rather she is supposed to feel as though she needs you. This means literally cutting down contact and making it a point to show that you will pursue other women if she is not willing to take you seriously. Cutting to the chase, you must stop being her "friend" first, and assume that she will feel attracted to your traits enough to where she is willing stop being your "friend" because she wants you for more than that.

The hardest thing about all of this is that you're not going to want to do anything to upset her or to make her think that you don't want her. This is the biggest mistake you can make, though. Every other guy out there who doesn't care whether they get "her" or not is immediately seen as a higher value target because they are superior to her. You, on the other hand, appear needy.

To avoid entering the friend zone, withhold your "want to" from her until she has clearly demonstrated interest in you, as well as has demonstrated her personal value. Then it makes sense that you like her because she has now met your personal criteria.

 

[Mr.Numbers]

"I like you as a person but you're ugly HAHAHAHA"

FZ.

 

[Hafnium]

I'm not exactly a casanova, but I've learned that the worst thing you can do for your chances of getting the girl is being pathetic. Girls will always pick the manly jerk over the nice, but whiny weakling. So even if it sounds wrong that people should change, some things are good to work on to function better. Show the lady that the confident nice guy is superior to either of the others.

Alternative advice from my captcha: Go "the full monty"

 

[dorkette1990]

I don't get that mentality - I only dates friends. I'm also so thick, I don't understand when people are coming on to me. So I usually end up with friends who out of the blue ask me out (although it was obvious to everyone else).

I don't think I've ever given or been given the friend line.

 

[Lunar Shadow]

People seem to think their are only two types of guys: Cocksuckers and "nice guys". The Cocksuckers should be obvious as to what it is, the asshole that thinks he is the shit. The second is more complicate. Being a "nice guy" and actually being a nice guy are completely different. The "nice guy" is the one that waits on his interest hand and foot, never standing up to her or contradicting her. Then they get in a huff cause their putting her on a pedestal isn't working, and that she would be lucky to have a guy like you. Most of the stories of these guys tends to leave out rather glaring character flaws on the part of the guy, but I won't go into that. I know this cause I used to think like that, then I actually got a girlfriend. Being nice does not mean being submissive and subservient. Treat your love interest as a human being, not as a goddess. (Entering conjecture territory, feel free to correct me, as I only have the male perspective) Most women don't want a servant, they want an equal with whom they can share their life with and all that jazz. Woman don't really think THAT much differently than men. Learned that going to a school that was 75% female. People actually thought I was gay because I went through high school single despite the 75% female thing.

 

[Mallefunction]

Um sorry, but I am not always attracted to my friends? Most of them I see constantly as brother-figures.

Look, stop blaming women just because you never had the courage to ask the girl out in the first place. Just because some socially awkward idiots get friend-zoned doesn't mean that the blame lies with their crush. You can't fix other people, you can only fix yourself.

 

[Mallefunction]

People seem to think their are only two types of guys: Cocksuckers and "nice guys". The Cocksuckers should be obvious as to what it is, the asshole that thinks he is the shit. The second is more complicate. Being a "nice guy" and actually being a nice guy are completely different. The "nice guy" is the one that waits on his interest hand and foot, never standing up to her or contradicting her. Then they get in a huff cause their putting her on a pedestal isn't working, and that she would be lucky to have a guy like you. Most of the stories of these guys tends to leave out rather glaring character flaws on the part of the guy, but I won't go into that. I know this cause I used to think like that, then I actually got a girlfriend. Being nice does not mean being submissive and subservient. Treat your love interest as a human being, not as a goddess. (Entering conjecture territory, feel free to correct me, as I only have the male perspective) Most women don't want a servant, they want an equal with whom they can share their life with and all that jazz. Woman don't really think THAT much differently than men. Learned that going to a school that was 75% female. People actually thought I was gay because I went through high school single despite the 75% female thing.

Thank you. I hate it when I am told by men "BUT I'M A 'NICE GUY'! WHY WON'T YOU DAAAAATE MEEEEEEE?"

It's not nice, it's being submissive in the hope that you'll get the carrot you want rather than actually caring about the person and respecting them as a human being.

 

[Lunar Shadow]

People seem to think their are only two types of guys: Cocksuckers and "nice guys". The Cocksuckers should be obvious as to what it is, the asshole that thinks he is the shit. The second is more complicate. Being a "nice guy" and actually being a nice guy are completely different. The "nice guy" is the one that waits on his interest hand and foot, never standing up to her or contradicting her. Then they get in a huff cause their putting her on a pedestal isn't working, and that she would be lucky to have a guy like you. Most of the stories of these guys tends to leave out rather glaring character flaws on the part of the guy, but I won't go into that. I know this cause I used to think like that, then I actually got a girlfriend. Being nice does not mean being submissive and subservient. Treat your love interest as a human being, not as a goddess. (Entering conjecture territory, feel free to correct me, as I only have the male perspective) Most women don't want a servant, they want an equal with whom they can share their life with and all that jazz. Woman don't really think THAT much differently than men. Learned that going to a school that was 75% female. People actually thought I was gay because I went through high school single despite the 75% female thing.

Thank you. I hate it when I am told by men "BUT I'M A 'NICE GUY'! WHY WON'T YOU DAAAAATE MEEEEEEE?"

It's not nice, it's being submissive in the hope that you'll get the carrot you want rather than actually caring about the person and respecting them as a human being.

Wow, surprised by a quick quoting. But yeah, there is a reason I put "nice guy" in quotations. Was going to write about what a truly nice guy is but I am slightly bollocksed by lack of sleep and forgot. And I am babbling

 

[Joe Biden His Time]

Here

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[dertyqwerty]

As a girl, I've approached the "friend zone" drama all sorts of ways. I've had it bring out awesome relationships and I've seen amazing friendships fall apart completely. I've been in the "friend zone" too, I know it sucks.

From my experience and personal opinion, I think the easiest way for any guy to screw it up is to be relentless. You like us, yeah, we got it. But gushing on the "Pick me! Pick me!" crap will only draw us away. Make your feelings known, but refrain from billboards and sky-writing.

I think time is the real factor here. Of course, not all boy/girl friendships will develop into feelings for either party. But from what I've seen, when two people know each other that intensely for a long amount of time (years+), they're bound to make it a relationship sometime. So boys, don't give up. There's like a million romantic movies about this stuff, and it usually ends in happy marriage and babies land.

But be warned. Make absolutely sure that you want the friendship taken to the next level. Because if it falls apart, it's near impossible to fix.

 

[Troublesome Lagomorph]

Its much, much worse when they decide to put you in the friend zone AFTER you dated them. My experience was dating for ~5 months, getting the cold shoulder for the last month, then at the end of her saying "I love you like a friend, so we're breaking up."
If you loved me like a friend, why didn't you say that from the beginning?

 

[Arehexes]

People seem to think their are only two types of guys: Cocksuckers and "nice guys". The Cocksuckers should be obvious as to what it is, the asshole that thinks he is the shit. The second is more complicate. Being a "nice guy" and actually being a nice guy are completely different. The "nice guy" is the one that waits on his interest hand and foot, never standing up to her or contradicting her. Then they get in a huff cause their putting her on a pedestal isn't working, and that she would be lucky to have a guy like you. Most of the stories of these guys tends to leave out rather glaring character flaws on the part of the guy, but I won't go into that. I know this cause I used to think like that, then I actually got a girlfriend. Being nice does not mean being submissive and subservient. Treat your love interest as a human being, not as a goddess. (Entering conjecture territory, feel free to correct me, as I only have the male perspective) Most women don't want a servant, they want an equal with whom they can share their life with and all that jazz. Woman don't really think THAT much differently than men. Learned that going to a school that was 75% female. People actually thought I was gay because I went through high school single despite the 75% female thing.

Thank you. I hate it when I am told by men "BUT I'M A 'NICE GUY'! WHY WON'T YOU DAAAAATE MEEEEEEE?"

It's not nice, it's being submissive in the hope that you'll get the carrot you want rather than actually caring about the person and respecting them as a human being.

Well to be fair what he described is someone who is self important and feels that he is not a dick so he should get the girl. Now I'm a nice guy, and I don't mind helping someone or doing something but I do put my foot down when I'm sick of something. My last girl friend claim I never talk to her even though she never picks up her phone, and she never responds to her IM's I send her and I told her multiple times I hate texting. Now I first tried to be rash with her, but I told her I'm sick of her crap and I am not in the mood to deal with her crap; I let her know that I called her and she had nothing but excuses for why she would never pick up and I'm done with it. And about the whole "the blame doesn't lie on the crush" it kinda does. You can have reason besides I don't want to date you rather then "it can ruin the friendship" because it wouldn't be fair to then turn around and whine about the guy you picked over him. I know dating has to be meet eye to eye with both parties, but it gets old when someone says "I don't wanna ruin the friendship". But then again since people don't know what they want (guys or girls) it's confusing on what someone should do.

 

[Hagi]

It's pretty simple.

There's two options.

1. You're wrong about the reason why you're being friend zoned. This is the most likely option. Even though your highly infatuated brain has conjured up the idea that you two are perfect for each other and that you're a great and nice guy who's exactly what she needs and deserves you're not. You're simply not that guy. She, being able to think logically without all the infatuation going on, is able to see that. You are not. If you trust her as a friend then listen to her and stop pestering her about romantic things. It's simply not going to happen, at least not the way you two currently are.

2. You're right about the reason why you're being friend zoned. This is the least likely option. This means your friend is an immature ***** not worth your time. Guys who think the only important aspects of a girl are her 'T&A' are shallow immature assholes. Girls who think the only important aspects of a guy are his 'bad boy' image are shallow immature bitches. Neither of them are worth your time. Even though you may very well be what she needs it still won't work. Relations in which one partner has the mental inclinations of a 16 year old don't work. She needs to grow up first. Again, it's simply not going to happen, at least not the way you two currently are.

In either case the result is exactly the same:
It's simply not going to happen, at least not the way you two currently are.

So when you get FZed. Just stop. Stop immediately. No exceptions. Stop. It's not going to happen. Deal with it.

 

[Mallefunction]

Well to be fair what he described is someone who is self important and feels that he is not a dick so he should get the girl. Now I'm a nice guy, and I don't mind helping someone or doing something but I do put my foot down when I'm sick of something. My last girl friend claim I never talk to her even though she never picks up her phone, and she never responds to her IM's I send her and I told her multiple times I hate texting. Now I first tried to be rash with her, but I told her I'm sick of her crap and I am not in the mood to deal with her crap; I let her know that I called her and she had nothing but excuses for why she would never pick up and I'm done with it. And about the whole "the blame doesn't lie on the crush" it kinda does. You can have reason besides I don't want to date you rather then "it can ruin the friendship" because it wouldn't be fair to then turn around and whine about the guy you picked over him. I know dating has to be meet eye to eye with both parties, but it gets old when someone says "I don't wanna ruin the friendship". But then again since people don't know what they want (guys or girls) it's confusing on what someone should do.

Um, no. It's not the crush's fault if they don't want to be in a relationship with that person.

I agree that girls who whine about their boyfriends to their guy friends are annoying as hell...but that's when the message should be clear: DON'T BE THIS WOMAN'S FRIEND.

If you really are having issues like that, then why are you friends in the first place?

 

[Thaluikhain]

People seem to think their are only two types of guys: Cocksuckers and "nice guys". The Cocksuckers should be obvious as to what it is, the asshole that thinks he is the shit. The second is more complicate. Being a "nice guy" and actually being a nice guy are completely different. The "nice guy" is the one that waits on his interest hand and foot, never standing up to her or contradicting her. Then they get in a huff cause their putting her on a pedestal isn't working, and that she would be lucky to have a guy like you. Most of the stories of these guys tends to leave out rather glaring character flaws on the part of the guy, but I won't go into that. I know this cause I used to think like that, then I actually got a girlfriend. Being nice does not mean being submissive and subservient. Treat your love interest as a human being, not as a goddess. (Entering conjecture territory, feel free to correct me, as I only have the male perspective) Most women don't want a servant, they want an equal with whom they can share their life with and all that jazz. Woman don't really think THAT much differently than men. Learned that going to a school that was 75% female. People actually thought I was gay because I went through high school single despite the 75% female thing.

Thank you. I hate it when I am told by men "BUT I'M A 'NICE GUY'! WHY WON'T YOU DAAAAATE MEEEEEEE?"

It's not nice, it's being submissive in the hope that you'll get the carrot you want rather than actually caring about the person and respecting them as a human being.

Argh, yes.

Only, it often tends to be "I'm a nice guy, why don't the stupid bitches worship me?!", and they won't be told they have entitlement issues.

 

[Angus565]

Um sorry, but I am not always attracted to my friends? Most of them I see constantly as brother-figures.

Look, stop blaming women just because you never had the courage to ask the girl out in the first place. Just because some socially awkward idiots get friend-zoned doesn't mean that the blame lies with their crush. You can't fix other people, you can only fix yourself.

Well said! A lot of people confuse having a crush with being in love. If you tell a friend you like them and they don't like you back, then you just stop hanging out with them because of that then in reality you are not "The Good guy" your actually kind of a douche.