Friends Zone (AKA why aren't we doing this?)

[AzureRaven]

A chick friend-zoned me and labeled me her 'gay friend' despite how she would invite to dinners, movies, random hang-outs, and even family vacations before I professed my feelings.

Then I eventually DID profess my feelings.

Spoiler warning: She rejected me, very kindly.

After a week of avoiding me, we decided to hang out again and as I was walking her home that evening I asked if I was friend-zoned

She said "Yeah, I'm not losing you because you had feelings you didn't think about"

Under the night sky, I said to her "I don't get it. We spend more time together than you have with all of your boyfriends combined! We have the same humor, the same interests, we're both independent and yet we're just different enough to be individuals. Hell, you've even told me you've found me attractive before. Why shouldn't we give this a shot?"

At that moment, she kissed me. Afterwards, she told me she didn't want us to try a relationship until we were older. That way, if it's truly meant to work out, we'll be ready for it. And then she kissed me again.

Talk to her every now and then, we're still really close.

Cheery enough?

That's an awesome story. I hope everything works out great for you.

I've really only been friend zoned once or twice, the first time was a little...bizarre, and idk if it's exactly friend-zoning or being BSed. Basically I was broken up with for...being.."Too nice." And all I was doing was trying to follow the basic chivalry guidelines, but I think she just had a weird taste in guys anyway considering what happened down the line. But that's another story.

The second time was basically the typical experience. I had talked to this girl for a long time, and she was a really amazing person...who, as far as I understood it, was dating an absolute jerk who just took the whole relationship for granted. So I did what I could to be there for her, listened when she needed it, we drew cute pictures back and forth, and it was really...just something else. And while I respect her diligence, she just stuck with the guy who never did stop treating her like crap as far as I heard. I had told her I liked her and she just thought it was sweet...and that to some degree she felt the same...and that's it. She stuck with the guy, and eventually, we sadly just fell out of contact because of complications getting in the way. I still wonder how she's doing. :/

Edit: Just as a side note. I don't think I'm a phenomenal person or anything, or that I'm the nicest guy on earth. And I'm not some servant sort of nice guy. Heck, I enjoy debating topics quite a bit instead of blindly agreeing. Though I avoid it if a person feels abnormally strongly on an issue or if it offends. But discussions/debates are good.

 

[Tdc2182]

I have escaped the friend zone actually.

This last year of high school I watched a girl go through two "boyfriends" before reaching me.

I was always there for her, which really ended up being the catch for me. The first one she was with, I never really said anything. I was in fact the one to encourage her to make the move for her to take it to the next relationship with him.

It ended with him when her douchebag ex boyfriend got back into her life. On this one, I called her out on it. I chewed her out for dating a guy who had once cheated on her. She got offended by this, and told me that he had never done it, and me being a "friend", I was suppose to be there for her.

Backing up a little bit, we had both been getting extremely close. She was inviting me out to different places, holding my hand in public, at times she even made me rub her legs in the middle of class. I thought I had it made. Unfortunately for me, she was really just a whore.

A couple of weeks go by, we aren't talking to each other. Then, one day she comes into class crying. Turns out her douchebag boyfriend had cheated on her again.

A month goes by, I tell her how I feel. She leaves me hanging for a week or so.

And then we made out on valentines day. Never told anybody we were an item. It was secret and awesome.

To spare you guy the long story, she started ignoring me again. I got sick of it, called her and more or less broke it off. We had a big fight at school, but it ended up working out because I once again called her out on another giant thing.

We were friends again, then we had another big fight because of her general bitchiness, She then proceeded to steal my friends. Depression for a month or so, then I started smoking weed and hanging out with my other buddies.

Been good. Except now I have to take a drug test for a class I'm taking.

So it's been bad.

TLDR; Dated a friend and remained oblivious to her flaws. Didn't work out.

If you become emotionally invested in someone, make sure you tell them quick. Or else it becomes a retard rollercoaster.

Edit: I actually have been on the other side of the Friend Zone a fair few amount of times.

I consider myself friends with these girls, but they generally are just not my type. Believe it or not, that is a thing.

 

[Ritter315]

I never found the "friend zone" thing to make much sense. Its just one party not wanting to be in a relationship with the other. I've seen friendships become relationships, sure they usually fail because who you are to a friend is a very different person to who you are to a significant other but I personally have one currently that has lasted for quite a while now. Its just a matter of both people liking each other.
The friend zone problem comes from needy women (mostly women anyways) who will take advantage of a man's kind nature when she knows that that nature is what will keep him from stop talking to her when she relieves herself to be a bit of a user.
I tried to make hat as not sexist as possible but you ladies have to admit, you do take advantage of men (at least socially) more often than men take advantage of you.

 

[DigitalAtlas]

Queue teenage girls reading this thread for some unknown reason and saying, "But dating friends is weird."

To be honest, I've never seen anyone escape the Friend Zone, I wouldn't mind seeing some stories of people here if they have.

A chick friend-zoned me and labeled me her 'gay friend' despite how she would invite to dinners, movies, random hang-outs, and even family vacations before I professed my feelings.

Then I eventually DID profess my feelings.

Spoiler warning: She rejected me, very kindly.

After a week of avoiding me, we decided to hang out again and as I was walking her home that evening I asked if I was friend-zoned

She said "Yeah, I'm not losing you because you had feelings you didn't think about"

Under the night sky, I said to her "I don't get it. We spend more time together than you have with all of your boyfriends combined! We have the same humor, the same interests, we're both independent and yet we're just different enough to be individuals. Hell, you've even told me you've found me attractive before. Why shouldn't we give this a shot?"

At that moment, she kissed me. Afterwards, she told me she didn't want us to try a relationship until we were older. That way, if it's truly meant to work out, we'll be ready for it. And then she kissed me again.

Talk to her every now and then, we're still really close.

Cheery enough?

Wow, that actually went rather well.

Yeah, in retrospect, that should've ended horribly. Also the first personal experience I've ever shared on this site. Do I get badge for that?

Honestly though, I'm glad it went the way it did. We both moved hours away from one another, so that gives us the chance to live our own lives. If we meet up again after our schooling is all said and done, it'll be great to see if we have those feelings. However, even if we never see each other again, I'm content.

That's an awesome story. I hope everything works out great for you.

Thanks, but, well read the reply I made to SL33T right above this. We haven't seen each other in awhile. We're now just living separate lives. I'm currently in a different, near-ending relationship. And she just got out of a bad one herself. So, we're experimenting with our love lives now. In a few years, we'll see if there was really chemistry. As far as I'm concerned though, I'm happy. If she's married by the time we meet up again, I'll know it wasn't meant to be.

 

[Android2137]

I had a guy I had to FZ once. To me, he was just a friend and a classmate, but once I knew his feelings things got reeeaaally awkward. I am fundamentally uninterested in pursuing such relationships and always have been, so I instinctively built distance after that confession. In my defense, this confession came the summer before college and if a relationship was pursued, it would be a long distance one.

 

[AzureRaven]

Thanks, but, well read the reply I made to SL33T right above this. We haven't seen each other in awhile. We're now just living separate lives. I'm currently in a different, near-ending relationship. And she just got out of a bad one herself. So, we're experimenting with our love lives now. In a few years, we'll see if there was really chemistry. As far as I'm concerned though, I'm happy. If she's married by the time we meet up again, I'll know it wasn't meant to be.

It's good that you're realistic about it and understand it though. Either way, while I'm sure it means bugger-all coming from me, I'm sure something good awaits you if you keep the same head on your shoulders. Best of luck!

 

[DracoSuave]

The friend zone problem comes from needy women (mostly women anyways) who will take advantage of a man's kind nature when she knows that that nature is what will keep him from stop talking to her when she relieves herself to be a bit of a user.
I tried to make hat as not sexist as possible but you ladies have to admit, you do take advantage of men (at least socially) more often than men take advantage of you.

Bullshit Misogynism is misogynistic and bullshit.

Most of the time the one in the FZ doesn't make his feelings known, and the one who put them in the FZ isn't a fucking mind reader and so isn't aware that he's pining for her. This is the FZee's fault.

The rest of the time, it's because the FZee has told the FZer, the FZer has rejected them, but made an offer to remain friends, and the FZee took the offer, hoping not to be friends for friends' sake, but to have an in and try to become attractive by attrition. This is also the FZee's fault.

Neither of these cases are the FZer leading the guy on. The FZer has never, at any point, indicated she is interested in a relationship, and in the latter case, has even indicated she does not.

So... the FZer is being honest and up front, and the FZee is refusing to respect that honesty, and continues to think that passive-aggressive bullshit will win her over to his 'nice guy' ways.

Yeah, most of the time, the FZee is in a position of his own creation, wallowing in pain he's caused himself because he's either too afraid of rejection, or worse, ignores rejection because he's too afraid of rejection.

 

[chuckman1]

I suggest reading the ladder theory it explains a lot.
I've been thru this and it annoys me so much I've never got out the friend zone.

 

[PandaNomnom]

I am a female and I have FZ'ed someone twice. First was a situation that is a lot like most people here are complaining about. We were friends most of our childhood and halfway grew up together. Talked about anything and hung out a lot. He was crazy about me and I just didn't feel the same way. I was up front and honest about it and told him that the attraction just wasn't there. He was more like a brother to me than anything else and I just was never attracted to him. I felt really bad about it but you can't force love/attraction on anyone, and believe me, I tried to feel for him what he did for me, but it just wasn't there. We remained good friends and now we live together with a few other people. Ironically enough, I help sneak his girls in and out of the house.

The second is a long painful story but they burned me pretty bad and I decided it would be best not to allow them any closer to me. Again I was pretty honest and upfront about it.

That said I've been FZ'ed myself so it does work both ways, not always girls doing it to guys. Granted I've been able to break out of that twice and had a very good relationship with the other person, so it is possible to do. The attraction was always there in both cases it was just a matter of "I don't want to ruin our friendship". That I think is the most important..that the attraction was already there, because as I said, you can not force someone to have feelings or be attracted to you.

I don't know why it happens for other girls, could be a lot of reasons. They aren't attracted to you, you work out better as friends than you would in a relationship (which is honest and is true for some people) or because they're young and stupid maybe. The best advice I can say is if it's been awhile and they aren't coming around, move on. I know that seems harsh but the longer you spend time on them and the more invested you get, the harder and more soul crushing it will be when you have to give up and move on anyway. Believe me, I know.

 

[Geekiest]

You are something special and, so long as you aren't too sharp in how you relay your desire to someone who has a crush on you and you don't see a long-term thing with them, I hope you find a good man who deserves an eye-to-eye individual like yourself.

Me? I've been Friend Zoned a few times. At first I was convinced it was because they were genuinely afraid of ruining the friendship, since I've experienced such a thing and let me tell you it is something to be feared. But eventually I realized that not all of them really cared about the friendship and just wanted a human post to lean on after they've repeated their cycle of bad choices. You can imagine what I did then. You can also imagine how glad I was they rejected my feelings after I came to such a revelation.
_The problem with me is similar to the problem many have with finding a job: Inexperience. Due to a number of health issues growing up I was never in a position to really branch out. Sob story short- That [mostly] blank section on my relationship resume seems to deter anyone from taking a chance, no matter how much they might initially want to. Thing is, there's a lot of screw-ups and mistakes we make when we first get into a real relationship that requires either an equal amount of inexperience on her/his part too, or a somewhat more than normal amount of patience and understanding. Effort.
_A lot of women don't want to have to deal with that I suppose, as everyone I've come across, even in passing, tells me that experience is key. Experience is paramount. "Who has time for that kind of effort in a relationship?"
But yet, as inexperienced as she or he may be, who they are and how they act really makes you want to be with them.
...BUT ALL THAT EFFORT!!

And thus, we get the Friend Zone: the clever little crevasse people like me get stuck in. That is, until we realize where we are and why and climb out to try again with someone else.

Thank you for that. Eye-to-Eye is what I aim for. To really run into someone who both wants what I want and is capable at that time in their life of pursuing it with me... Hasn't really happened yet. There have been a few close calls, but nothing that's really worked.

That said, I actually look at a guy who's spent some stretches by himself, and can be zen about it, and see real potential. I know guys who have never gone longer than a month without a girlfriend in their entire dating history, and that sets off an immediate red flag for me. People who reach a certain age and maturity without too many strings of relationships under their belt are, in my experience, more comfortable being with themselves. If they can stand their own company, and not be driven crazy by it, that's a good sign I'll be able to do the same.

Experience with relationships is also nowhere near as useful as experience with women as friends. Sane women friends. Sadly, those are hard to come by even if you're female.

 

[DracoSuave]

I suggest reading the ladder theory it explains a lot.
I've been thru this and it annoys me so much I've never got out the friend zone.

Cause and effect.

Fuck ladder theory, it's more misogynistic douchbag shit people tell themselves to make it seem like it's some cosmic power working against them, rather than manning up and moving on to find the girl that actually is right for them, while improving their glaring unattractive faults.

You want to stop being in the friends zone so much? It's really fucking simple.

Stop being friends in order to get close to girls. If you can't handle being their friend... don't fucking be their friend.

Real. Simple.

 

[jackpackage200]

I have two things to say about the Friend Zone.

its usually not a good idea to date friends, usually the relationship will end badly and you lose that friend and potentially other friends who sided with the opposite friend.

second, about a year ago i started college having never been in a relationship before. I had met this girl and we instantly connected. We had started doing everything together. We saw movies, did homework together, i taught her how to play gears of war 2. I thought i ad fallen in love and i thought i was the luckiest bastard of all time. We would go shopping and i would buy her the occasional thing or whatever. I would pay for dinner. Then out of the blue she tells me she got into a relationship. Even though she now had a boyfriend, we were still spending so much time together, except she spent all that time talking about how great her boyfriend was.

I kept it together pretty well until i realized something. She was using me. She copied my homework. She had me pay for dinner and other things. Not only had i been friend zoned but she took advantage of me and my general novice knowledge of girls and dating. I couldn't face her any longer. I tried to call her to tell her why i was upset but she was not picking up her phone and she wasn't at her dorm room so i left a voicemail saying i did not want to be friends anymore in the politest way while trying to keep from getting emotional. What really pissed me is she did not call me back or acknowledge that she understood what i had felt. I had lost all confidence in myself in everything. Schoolwork, gaming, partying, general interaction with other people, i had let my depression take it away from me.

About two months had past, i had been flicking through channels and i decided to watch how i met your mother. It was the episode where it was the aftermath of Ted being left at the alter and that deep down he coulden't deal with his anger until he confronted his ex fiance. When he went to confront her he realized something. The show had only originally discussed two methods of dealing with anger. He could either bottle up his emotions or having an angry confrontation. Ted realized that there was a third oprion, he could let his anger go. I then did the same.

While it sucks that stuff happened to me, i dont hold it against her. Once i let that anger go, it was a breath of fresh air. Ferris Bueller said that "You don't respect someone if they kiss your ass" and he could not have been more right. I heard that She just got engaged to her boyfriend and i wish the best for them.

What i learned from it all is that if you have feelings for someone, let them know. If they reject you than move on. Also guys, just because she only sees you as a friend does not mean she is a ***** and a horrible human being. Grow up

EDIT: Also her boyfriend is a really nice guy, thought i should mention it

 

[SSoSFAGTiaCaGwaP]

EDIT: Dumb thirteen year old me wrote dumb thirteen year old stuff on the internet. So it goes.

 

[Kataskopo]

A lot of cool, correct stuff

Dude, you are so right. I used to think about the unfairness of the Friend Zone and all that, but after some thinking, I realized that you are not there to please her, and if she doesn't want you, well, she doesn't want you.

It's though shit, and it's still a bit hard to remember it whenever a girl says no, but, well, a lot of us need to grow up and mature and all that.

 

[Chatato]

This...
Yep that's pretty much all of whats been said on this thread... In a video.

 

[DracoSuave]

I was five when I had my first "boyfriend", and I said I wanted to marry him when I grew up, but look at me now.

HOW HEARTLESS!

Anime and children's programming tells me you'da been together FOREVAR!!1!

This...
Yep that's pretty much all of whats been said on this thread... In a video.

You win, sir. You. Win. Sir.

 

[scar_47]

Theres not much you can do besides move on the other person doesn't have romantic feeling for for whatever reason if a person can't recognize my value thats it I'm done then and there. No use pinning for somone who won't have you you'll end up ruining you friendship either through pushing too hard or resentment either way its not going to work. I've never had the trouble most people seem to in dealing with their feelings take my poor sap of a cousin who's fiance broke up with him and proceeded to whine about all the other guys she was dating while he still longed to get back together anc now that they have he dare not contradict her for fear that she'll leave again except now sheps pregnant to boot its his. How can you love somone that asks of you everything while giving nothing.

 

[Zorak the Mantis]

People seem to think their are only two types of guys: Cocksuckers and "nice guys". The Cocksuckers should be obvious as to what it is, the asshole that thinks he is the shit. The second is more complicate. Being a "nice guy" and actually being a nice guy are completely different. The "nice guy" is the one that waits on his interest hand and foot, never standing up to her or contradicting her. Then they get in a huff cause their putting her on a pedestal isn't working, and that she would be lucky to have a guy like you. Most of the stories of these guys tends to leave out rather glaring character flaws on the part of the guy, but I won't go into that. I know this cause I used to think like that, then I actually got a girlfriend. Being nice does not mean being submissive and subservient. Treat your love interest as a human being, not as a goddess. (Entering conjecture territory, feel free to correct me, as I only have the male perspective) Most women don't want a servant, they want an equal with whom they can share their life with and all that jazz. Woman don't really think THAT much differently than men. Learned that going to a school that was 75% female. People actually thought I was gay because I went through high school single despite the 75% female thing.

Yep, you hit the nail on the head.

Relationships are a two way street, both parties involved need to realize that they are going to have differences. Self esteem and confidence play a huge part in how people treat their partner. Not being able to stand up and simply bowing to the others will is just a recipe for disaster. However, if one is too firm and closed minded then it's just as bad as being a pushover. These sorts of differences usually lead to the person being labeled the "asshole" or "too nice", which leads to the "friend zone".

As for the "friend zone" thing; I've been there, it sucks, but that's life. You only have yourself to blame in the end.

 

[Vault101]

oh here we go...

WAAAAHHH I cant get a girlfreind! its womens fault they are all the same!!!

for crying out loud if she doesnt wanna get with you she doesnt wanna get with you...move on, and whats so bad about being freinds with a girl anyway?