Friends Zone (AKA why aren't we doing this?)

[artanis_neravar]

People seem to think their are only two types of guys: Cocksuckers and "nice guys". The Cocksuckers should be obvious as to what it is, the asshole that thinks he is the shit. The second is more complicate. Being a "nice guy" and actually being a nice guy are completely different. The "nice guy" is the one that waits on his interest hand and foot, never standing up to her or contradicting her. Then they get in a huff cause their putting her on a pedestal isn't working, and that she would be lucky to have a guy like you. Most of the stories of these guys tends to leave out rather glaring character flaws on the part of the guy, but I won't go into that. I know this cause I used to think like that, then I actually got a girlfriend. Being nice does not mean being submissive and subservient. Treat your love interest as a human being, not as a goddess. (Entering conjecture territory, feel free to correct me, as I only have the male perspective) Most women don't want a servant, they want an equal with whom they can share their life with and all that jazz. Woman don't really think THAT much differently than men. Learned that going to a school that was 75% female. People actually thought I was gay because I went through high school single despite the 75% female thing.

Thank you. I hate it when I am told by men "BUT I'M A 'NICE GUY'! WHY WON'T YOU DAAAAATE MEEEEEEE?"

It's not nice, it's being submissive in the hope that you'll get the carrot you want rather than actually caring about the person and respecting them as a human being.

Exactly! I'm not a "nice guy" but I do consider myself to be nice, and polite and the like. I can make asshole comments but unless my timing is really off the it never offends. But I am in no way submissive, don't get me wrong I know how to choose my battles, but if you can challenge me I will debate with youforever

 

[Brandon237]

Queue teenage girls reading this thread for some unknown reason and saying, "But dating friends is weird."

To be honest, I've never seen anyone escape the Friend Zone, I wouldn't mind seeing some stories of people here if they have.

Not sure if this is exactly what you mean by escape the friend zone, but my girlfriend (we are now both in grade 10) had a thing for me in grade eight when we first met, I caught a few signs, but didn't think much of it at the time, then she got asked out by another guy, that went horribly. I helped her through it and we became very good friends.
A few months down the line and we started flirting a little, one thing led to another and now we have been going out for almost a year. (our anniversary of our first date is on Sunday).

So friends, to good friends, and then very good friends, which led to more than friends. And it has been wonderful.

And to the OP: Don't worry, if you try too hard you just scare people off.

 

[Catchy Slogan]

*snip*

Well you just said everything I ever wanted to and more. You are now my hero

OT: I've been in a situation where I had this guy, who was a really nice chap, but he just kept being so persistant. It's just that I'm not interested in dating. Anyone. At all. It was nothing personal against him, that's just how it was.

 

[Rabish Bini]

Wow. You guys, with your scheming and bitching, will never get a girl. Act like a man. Be confident. Stand up for yourselves.

Otherwise, pass your women on to me. I'll take care of them.

So here I was thinking nobody posted something similar to this and that I would be able to, then WHAM! the last comment says it.

If you like a girl, but the feeling isn't mutual, why not try going for another girl? Hell, you might end up the same way as a friend of mine. There was a girl he liked, feeling wasn't mutual. He started going out with another girl, and the prior girl, who was good friends with him, realised how great a guy he is, and started going out with him when he broke up with the other girl.

They're now engaged and getting married in October.

 

[Vault101]

My favorite? (Keep in mind I usually say this after I have tried repeatedly with the girl I'm talking to)

"I'm never going to find a girlfriend."
"That's not true. You're nice, kind, you have a good head on your shoulders, you listen. You have lots of redeeming features."
"And yet..."
The girl usually stops talking after that because she'll catch herself on what she's about to say: "You're not my type." And no, that hasn't been from one girl. I get that from nearly every girl I ever ask out just for lunch.

Yeah that fuckin line is evil as it translates into "I like you, but im just gonna make up some nice things about you to sweeten the part where I reject you." Next time I hear that, that ***** has whatever beverage im holding coming her way. Since I don't drink coffee, enjoy the tea *****!

what? its not HER fault she just doesnt feel that way

I mean if somone askes you out and you dont feel that way how the hell are you SUPOSED to react? "No way! get fucked..fuck off!" is that what you would rather hear?

I mean hell you make it sound like women are just all vindictive bitches...I mean if a guy I wasnt into asked me out I wouldnt know how to react..so yeah Id probably say somthing similar along those lines and I apologies if that makes me an evil *****

 

[SL33TBL1ND]

Queue teenage girls reading this thread for some unknown reason and saying, "But dating friends is weird."

To be honest, I've never seen anyone escape the Friend Zone, I wouldn't mind seeing some stories of people here if they have.

Not sure if this is exactly what you mean by escape the friend zone, but my girlfriend (we are now both in grade 10) had a thing for me in grade eight when we first met, I caught a few signs, but didn't think much of it at the time, then she got asked out by another guy, that went horribly. I helped her through it and we became very good friends.
A few months down the line and we started flirting a little, one thing led to another and now we have been going out for almost a year. (our anniversary of our first date is on Sunday).

So friends, to good friends, and then very good friends, which led to more than friends. And it has been wonderful.

And to the OP: Don't worry, if you try too hard you just scare people off.

Yep, that's escaping the "Friend Zone". In other words, when you are able to get out of the "very good friend" relationship, and start going out with them. This is notoriously hard to do, by many accounts.

 

[FoolKiller]

If a girl isn't romantically interested in you, I say take it on the chin. Remember, this friend of yours should be able to have guy friends that she can feel comfortable opening up to, and whether you think so or not, you ARE actually special to her. Also, you now have yourself a cool girl friend who you can talk with about the girl you DO eventually get to date.

NOT GOOD ENOUGH...

You are special because she can expect you to be the boyfriend template and do all the good things without having to reciprocate.

In my experience, if she isn't interested then end the friendship. If she isn't going to date you and you want to date her then it is a waste of emotional resources.

 

[Vakz]

To be honest, I've never seen anyone escape the Friend Zone, I wouldn't mind seeing some stories of people here if they have.

A friend of mine actually has. He fell in love with his neighbor (who also went to the same school). They were just friends, she didn't find him very attractive (I'm good friends with her, we talked about it a few times), but after a year or so, it seems she changed her mind, and they have now been dating for three-four months, and things seem to be going pretty well between them.

 

[artanis_neravar]

My favorite? (Keep in mind I usually say this after I have tried repeatedly with the girl I'm talking to)

"I'm never going to find a girlfriend."
"That's not true. You're nice, kind, you have a good head on your shoulders, you listen. You have lots of redeeming features."
"And yet..."
The girl usually stops talking after that because she'll catch herself on what she's about to say: "You're not my type." And no, that hasn't been from one girl. I get that from nearly every girl I ever ask out just for lunch.

Yeah that fuckin line is evil as it translates into "I like you, but im just gonna make up some nice things about you to sweeten the part where I reject you." Next time I hear that, that ***** has whatever beverage im holding coming her way. Since I don't drink coffee, enjoy the tea *****!

what? its not HER fault she just doesnt feel that way

I mean if somone askes you out and you dont feel that way how the hell are you SUPOSED to react? "No way! get fucked..fuck off!" is that what you would rather hear?

I mean hell you make it sound like women are just all vindictive bitches...I mean if a guy I wasnt into asked me out I wouldnt know how to react..so yeah Id probably say somthing similar along those lines and I apologies if that makes me an evil *****

It doesn't make you an evil *****, for some reason most guys don't seem to want to get that a girl may not like them and nothing is really going to change that

 

[artanis_neravar]

If a girl isn't romantically interested in you, I say take it on the chin. Remember, this friend of yours should be able to have guy friends that she can feel comfortable opening up to, and whether you think so or not, you ARE actually special to her. Also, you now have yourself a cool girl friend who you can talk with about the girl you DO eventually get to date.

NOT GOOD ENOUGH...

You are special because she can expect you to be the boyfriend template and do all the good things without having to reciprocate.

In my experience, if she isn't interested then end the friendship. If she isn't going to date you and you want to date her then it is a waste of emotional resources.

Or you could use her for the same things she is using you for, talk to her about your girl problems, etc.

 

[Brandon237]

Queue teenage girls reading this thread for some unknown reason and saying, "But dating friends is weird."

To be honest, I've never seen anyone escape the Friend Zone, I wouldn't mind seeing some stories of people here if they have.

Not sure if this is exactly what you mean by escape the friend zone, but my girlfriend (we are now both in grade 10) had a thing for me in grade eight when we first met, I caught a few signs, but didn't think much of it at the time, then she got asked out by another guy, that went horribly. I helped her through it and we became very good friends.
A few months down the line and we started flirting a little, one thing led to another and now we have been going out for almost a year. (our anniversary of our first date is on Sunday).

So friends, to good friends, and then very good friends, which led to more than friends. And it has been wonderful.

And to the OP: Don't worry, if you try too hard you just scare people off.

Yep, that's escaping the "Friend Zone". In other words, when you are able to get out of the "very good friend" relationship, and start going out with them. This is notoriously hard to do, by many accounts.

It is??? I thought it was so easy and going from good friends to partners has made the relationship work so well. The little things just escalated over a few days until I asked her out to a restaurant and to play some pool.

I almost had it happen in primary school too, but I was not into the girl who was getting... friendly towards me in primary school. But we were good friends and if I wanted her, it would have been easy, same idea really.

Maybe I really am just a lucky lucky bastard.

 

[Zersy]

I was best friends with a girl I really wanted to go out with but she was with this other guy, fast forward 4 years she has dumped him and we've been together for 19 months.

It does not bother you how much she got it on with that other guy ?

 

[Hagi]

My favorite? (Keep in mind I usually say this after I have tried repeatedly with the girl I'm talking to)

"I'm never going to find a girlfriend."
"That's not true. You're nice, kind, you have a good head on your shoulders, you listen. You have lots of redeeming features."
"And yet..."
The girl usually stops talking after that because she'll catch herself on what she's about to say: "You're not my type." And no, that hasn't been from one girl. I get that from nearly every girl I ever ask out just for lunch.

Yeah that fuckin line is evil as it translates into "I like you, but im just gonna make up some nice things about you to sweeten the part where I reject you." Next time I hear that, that ***** has whatever beverage im holding coming her way. Since I don't drink coffee, enjoy the tea *****!

what? its not HER fault she just doesnt feel that way

I mean if somone askes you out and you dont feel that way how the hell are you SUPOSED to react? "No way! get fucked..fuck off!" is that what you would rather hear?

I mean hell you make it sound like women are just all vindictive bitches...I mean if a guy I wasnt into asked me out I wouldnt know how to react..so yeah Id probably say somthing similar along those lines and I apologies if that makes me an evil *****

In the situation that was quoted I totally agree with you. If you actually come up to a friend and say that you fear you're never going to find someone it's basically required of them, being a friend, to try and cheer you up by pointing out your positive features, even if they're not features they're looking for personally.

I would however like to add that when a guy (or gal) asks a girl (or boy) out then I do think they deserve a real and honest reply. It can take quite a bit of nerve to ask and even if it's negative I do think you owe it to someone to be upfront and honest with them.

Telling them they do possess the qualities you look for in a friend but not the qualities you personally look for in a partner is fine. But don't tell them they're such a great person and such a nice guy but you don't want to risk the friendship, that's just giving false hope.

A blunt rejection may hurt but it's a hurt that heals. An extremely vague and positive sounding rejection will just linger and fester, keeping the guy (or gal) miserable for a much longer time.

They posed you a honest and heartfelt question. They deserve a honest and heartfelt answer.

In the example quoted I completely agree with you that "No way! get fucked..fuck off!" is a horrible response. But if someone seriously asks you if you're interested I do think it's a better answer then a vague, positive sounding ambiguous rejection.

 

[goldendriger]

Yeah im in the friend zone =/ Ive made it very clear i like this chick and if she ever wants to give it a try, im open for it. But noooooo im on the same level as ice cream, something she uses when she's upset and needs comfort. Stupid sucky friend zone...

 

[artanis_neravar]

I was best friends with a girl I really wanted to go out with but she was with this other guy, fast forward 4 years she has dumped him and we've been together for 19 months.

It does not bother you how much she got it on with that other guy ?

Why should it? Everyone has a past, if you like a girl her past shouldn't bother you

 

[ZiggyE]

I have no sympathy for guys who get in the friend zone. If you're going to let a girl treat you like dirt and be a soul sucking ***** to you, then you deserve it. If you want to get out of it then get out of it. Move on. And don't try to date her. Think about it, would you really want to go out with a girl who treats you as her personal emotional outlet without a second thought for your feelings? I didn't think so.

 

[AngloDoom]

To paraphrase what my girlfriend said about this issue:

"If a girl likes you, trusts you, and knows you're always there for her but she still doesn't go out with you chances are you're not attractive or have less attractive qualities."

Which makes sense. Girl's aren't going to choose second-best just to fuck with you. They're not evil creatures.

 

[Phoenix09215]

Well I've always thought of the friend zone as the point of no return; when you decide you would rather just be friends with a girl rather than date her. The reason I look at it that way is because part of being in a relationship with someone is also being their friend, so if you reach the best friend point before you ask them out then its likely you have waited too long. However, if you talk to them and discover you have common interests and that you like them etc. then you ask them out at this point when your friendship is only just beginning.

If you approach these situations like this and get in to a relationship it can either not work out, which you will likely figure out sooner rather than later, in which case you can hopefully still be friends, or it will work out great and you get a girlfriend who is also your best friend, and that is awesome!