Gaming Dads, Help Me Please

[The AmeriCanadian Gamer]

Ok gaming dads, I need some real help here.

I'm 24 years old and have barely been married a year (but I've been with my wife for about 4 years now) and my wife is pressuring me for children, hard.

I've tried to tell her I'm not ready and that I need a bit more time, but she won't let it go, so I'm coming here for a little more insight on the subject.

I am a very passionate gamer, particularly with Multiplayer FPS titles (Quake, Xonotic, TF2, CoD, Halo) and I am also producing videos for said games, so gaming takes up a large portion of my time. I'm worried that a child will force me to hang up the controller permanently, that I won't be able to explore my hobby any further. I'm a gamer. Thats who I am, and idk what will happen if I have to give that up.

So my question is: How has being a father affected your gaming life?

I don't want to sound selfish but I am legitimately worried about losing it completely, especially after I look at what happened to my brother, who works from 6AM to 6PM 6 days a week to support his family, he has no time for ANYTHING other than work and kids, not even for his wife. All I can think is how the hell this will interfere with what I do?

I know that I will lose some of it, but I'm wondering exactly how far it goes, is it possible to be a husband, provider, father and hardcore gamer all at once?

Thank you for your time.

 

[Albino Boo]

The simple answer is that you can't. If you really think gaming is that important, perhaps is not time for you start a family. There is just no way that you can have it all. You need to think about your priorities and if gaming is more important than your wife's happiness then perhaps your relationship isn't all that it is supposed to be. It may be the reason why you wife is pressuring you into having a baby because she thinks that it will focus you more on the relationship.

If you decide to become a Father gaming is going to become one of those things that you can fit in now and then, for the next 10 years or so. It becomes easier when they get older because gaming is a way of spending time with your kids and you won't be buying the games for yourself but for the kids. Its easier to get the Mrs not to complain about the money that way.

 

[ShipofFools]

Depends on your job, mate. You got enough time to be a boyfriend and gamer, while making enough to also be a father? In that case then yes, there will be time enough to keep up with your hobby. Maybe one hour a day, two on a sunday, that wouldn't be too bad, right?

HOWEVER, however, the first couple of weeks/months/years with the baby? Neither you or your wife will have time for pretty much anything.
So gaming will go away for a while. It'll come back, no worries.

Video games is just video games, man. But being a father... that's being a father! Dig it? Nobody will care about how passionate you played your video games once you're gone, but your children will remember everything you will ever do for them, and that is something you can take to the grave.

 

[Comocat]

It's not so much that I cant play video games anymore, but that I don't really want to as much. When you have a kid, he/she becomes the center of your world, so grinding for valor points in WoW or making Halo vids for youtube don't really seem as important. I spent 5 hours last Sunday watching my 3-month old try to learn and roll over and attacking him with a stuffed elephant, all in great fun.

 

[LetalisK]

How old is your wife? My wife is also pressuring me for kids right now, but we're also a bit older than you. You're 24 for christ's sake and you've only been married a year. Live life a little and enjoy it as a couple and make that marriage stronger before you throw a baby into the mix. Your wife needs to throw the brakes on, especially if you're not ready. Pressuring you to have kids is not healthy for your relationship, now or later.

As for gaming with a baby, I obviously don't have first hand experience, but I've known several married gaming couples that could still get some time in WoW even when they had a small baby. The first few months were rougher than others, but that's what tablet and mobile gaming is for.

 

[IndomitableSam]

Er, if your wife can't take no for an answer about the biggest life-changing event EVER, then there are other issues at play here. Be careful with birth control.

If you're not ready for a kid, you're not ready, simple as that. And there's nothing wrong with it, at all. Sit down and have a discussion with your wife and maybe try and set some goals for the next ten years. Maybe kids happen soon, maybe later. But careers need to be set in place (probably for both of you, which means a couple years into the same job), you need to heave a healthy savings account (babies are not cheap, you'll be spending hundreds of dollars a month on them in the beginning, so your current income has to be able to handle that as well as you need to keep saving money for emergencies, be they house related or medical), and your home has to be a steady, safe home. That means baby-proofing, baby-friendly everything, and a complete change in your daily schedule. If you're renting, you have to be sure it won't be converted to condos, or if your neighbours won't begin an all-out war with you when 10pm, 12pm, 2am, 4am and 6am feedings roll around.

The amount of gaming you do will drop immensely. In the beginning, it'll be down to basically nothing, and then be ready for any down time to be spent fighting. Sorry, but, it happens. And you'll be arguing in whispers, praying that little...thing... does not wake up.

... Yay babies?

 

[Treeinthewoods]

You will game less, much less. If you were actually ready to be a dad you wouldn't mind that. The rewards of raising a child far outweigh the costs IMHO but both my wife and I were ready and wanted to have kids when we started making it happen.

Yes, they will eventually become more self sufficient and maybe even want to game with you but that takes years. Until that time, you will game less unless you just decide to be a shitty father.

Stick to your guns, you aren't ready yet and if you just go along with it you will end up harboring some serious resentment. If she won't take no for an answer I suggest you sadly may not be a compatible match. That doesn't mean you aren't in love, it means you aren't good as a family unit because you are at different life stages.

If anything put off kids a while longer until your career is where you want it to be. First ensure you have the income and the available time for a baby THEN have one (a crazy concept these days).

Someone mentioned an increase in arguments but that wasn't the case for my wife and I. If you both are truly ready you can make the stressful times less frequent by working as a team in all things.

But let me reiterate, if you have a baby your options will be to game much less or be a genuinely shitty father. Do not do it if you are anyway uncertain!

 

[Owyn_Merrilin]

Not a parent, but I have next to no time to game for other reasons, and I've got some good news: your genre of choice is one of the best for people who like to game but don't have time to. You can fit in a full multiplayer match in a lot of games in 10 minutes, and that's a complete experience right there. Compare that to, say, an epic single player RPG, where you're not even properly engaged until you've been playing for about a half an hour, and I mean in any given session, not just the first time you boot it up.

Other genres that are good for this sort of thing include roguelikes and turn based strategy games. I jokingly call them "dad games," because of the way middle aged men I know who are into gaming are disproportionately into this kind of game

 

[The AmeriCanadian Gamer]

You all are giving me a lot to think about, and I appreciate it, and I hope anyone else in a similar position is getting something from this.

 

[Jacob.pederson]

You all are giving me a lot to think about, and I appreciate it, and I hope anyone else in a similar position is getting something from this.

I was only a tad bit older than you when we had our kid, and yea it is going to cut into your gaming heavily to be sure; however, I wouldn't put a whole lot of stock into these folks saying if you are even asking this question you are not ready. Truthfully, you won't ever be ready to be a father. Waiting longer won't make the slightest bit of difference. The only way you learn to be a father is by being one Additionally, changing diapers at 3:30am is going to get Harder with age, not easier.

 

[panosbouk]

Ok gaming dads, I need some real help here.

I'm 24 years old and have barely been married a year (but I've been with my wife for about 4 years now) and my wife is pressuring me for children, hard.

I've tried to tell her I'm not ready and that I need a bit more time, but she won't let it go, so I'm coming here for a little more insight on the subject.

I am a very passionate gamer, particularly with Multiplayer FPS titles (Quake, Xonotic, TF2, CoD, Halo) and I am also producing videos for said games, so gaming takes up a large portion of my time. I'm worried that a child will force me to hang up the controller permanently, that I won't be able to explore my hobby any further. I'm a gamer. Thats who I am, and idk what will happen if I have to give that up.

So my question is: How has being a father affected your gaming life?

I don't want to sound selfish but I am legitimately worried about losing it completely, especially after I look at what happened to my brother, who works from 6AM to 6PM 6 days a week to support his family, he has no time for ANYTHING other than work and kids, not even for his wife. All I can think is how the hell this will interfere with what I do?

I know that I will lose some of it, but I'm wondering exactly how far it goes, is it possible to be a husband, provider, father and hardcore gamer all at once?

Thank you for your time.

First of all I want to give you and advice. Do not try to have kids unless you are sure you have done everything else you wanted to do in your life. Even the simple things like having a trip overseas with your wife.

Now ofc you are in control of your life and you will do whatever you please or think is better for your marriage. So on the matter with games and having kids around it is difficult.

You will not have as many hours as before for gaming. Most likely you will be able to play at night where the kid is asleep. But when the baby is still newborn where it doesn?t have specific sleeping hours and waking up every now and then, it will be difficult cause sleep will be a major thing for you as well.

When they grow older and reach the age of 4 where they able to talk properly and running around they need constant attention, but regular sleeping hours at night 22:00-8:00, you will be able to have your gaming sessions.

Bottom line is you will be able to play some days and probably 2hours max, cause you have a wife that she needs you and do stuff with you, without the kid been around. And you probably already have other responsibilities apart from your job. All those things take time and we only have 24h per day.

But as the kids grow older you will have more hours to you and your games. Btw even the smaller sessions of gaming you will find them very enjoyable.

 

[SomethingWorse]

Not a dad, but I will say if she's pressuring you that's a problem. A kid shouldn't come into the world when only one parent feels ready. Also...maybe it's just my standards but you guys are pretty young, yes? Seems a little early.

Also, maybe the advice section would be better for this. Not reporting, just suggesting since people might be better suited to help you there.

 

[omega 616]

Ok gaming dads, I need some real help here.

I'm 24 years old and have barely been married a year (but I've been with my wife for about 4 years now) and my wife is pressuring me for children, hard.

I've tried to tell her I'm not ready and that I need a bit more time, but she won't let it go, so I'm coming here for a little more insight on the subject.

I am a very passionate gamer, particularly with Multiplayer FPS titles (Quake, Xonotic, TF2, CoD, Halo) and I am also producing videos for said games, so gaming takes up a large portion of my time. I'm worried that a child will force me to hang up the controller permanently, that I won't be able to explore my hobby any further. I'm a gamer. Thats who I am, and idk what will happen if I have to give that up.

So my question is: How has being a father affected your gaming life?

I don't want to sound selfish but I am legitimately worried about losing it completely, especially after I look at what happened to my brother, who works from 6AM to 6PM 6 days a week to support his family, he has no time for ANYTHING other than work and kids, not even for his wife. All I can think is how the hell this will interfere with what I do?

I know that I will lose some of it, but I'm wondering exactly how far it goes, is it possible to be a husband, provider, father and hardcore gamer all at once?

Thank you for your time.

You're the same age as me and considering kids? Jeez, I would consider myself pretty mature (I don't drink, I don't party, I don't do drugs etc) but being responsible for another person like that, jeez! I mean, it's all down to you and your partner if that person grows up to be a total tool hated by all they meet or a respectable person that everybody loves.

Dedicating the next 18 years of your life to raising and controlling a financial black hole, that does nothing but poop and scream.

I've seen a lot of young girls "fall in love", have a baby, then split with the dad about 2 months after the birth (not saying you would do that). From what I've seen a lot of girls want babies young for one reason or another. Just remember, a baby stresses a relationship, not bring it together.

Sorry, went off on a tangent there! Gaming will be a dream for you if you have a kid, you will be forced to quit gaming or end up divorced.

Spoiler

I guess at divorce 'cos while you game, your partner will take care of the kid, grow resentful that you aren't pulling your weight, arguments become more common and then it's a slippery slope. Just a guess though

I would have a serious "we need to talk" talk about what you want 'cos it sounds like you want to carry on gaming more than be 24 going on 40.

Having a kid means being permanently connected to two other people for about 50 years, I know I'm not ready for that.

Sorry if this was harsh but I think it would be better to be brutal with you, rather than be nice and you're possibly regretting it.

You might have a kid and love being dad, I'm just giving you my 2 cents. Parenthood isn't an awful thing, just a serious, long term thing lol

 

[Erman Hunsaker]

I'm a father of one and several of my friends have between one and three children. All of us set time aside to raid or instance run on WoW. I have my Sunday evenings where I play my console RPGs and other single player nonsense.

Time management is the name of the game. That, and probably also understanding from your significant other and (not knowing anything about you or her except from this single thread) it doesn't appear that you get a lot of that. My wife understands I'm a gamer and my daughter loves it when I play games. Since she was 3 months old she's been enthralled with Demon's Souls whenever I play it.

I've always been able to set aside those few precious hours after work to play. I've learned to strategically place the controller around the room so wherever I am when I'm feeding the baby or just holding her, I can pick it up and play on. If you care about it enough, you'll find the time and the way to make it work and that's a fact. Passion will always find a way.

 

[Fleischer]

As background, I met my wife at 18. We started dating at 19. We were married at 26. I turned 32 just a few weeks after my son - a three and a half month old - was born.

My gaming life is completely borked. Honestly, I don't miss gaming as much as I thought I would. I deeply wanted to be a daddy, so I don't mind making huge changes in my life to meet that role. I look forward to playing card and board games with my son, so I don't mind sacrificing most of my current playing time. I suppose it is possible to be a husband, provider, father and hardcore gamer all at once, but I know I don't have the time management skills to pull that off. Frankly, I doubt few people could handle all that.

Before you got married, what did you and your wife agree upon for starting a family? It sounds like you and your wife should have a serious talk about what you want to get done in life before you have a baby. It might take some soul searching to figure that out, but you should start figuring out what it'll take for you to be ready to be a father. I'm assuming you have hopes of being one.

 

[Tanakh]

Is it possible to be a husband, provider, father and hardcore gamer all at once?

Of course you can try, but you will fail at at least one, probably two and I can prove it:

Week has 168 hours.

To be a good at your work and earn enough for a family with kids you will probably need to invest at least 50 hours a week (at the very fucking least unless you are super lucky). I like what I do and probably spend around 70 a week, still feel i can do more.

To be a "hardcore gamer" keeping the semi pro skills up and produce and edit your own videos you probably need at least 16 hours a week, and that is probably way lower than what you actually need taking into account you are into multiple competitive FPS, thank god you are not into competitive CS.

For the husband part I guess it depends on what kind of relationship you have, but expending at least 14 hours between the talking, the sex, activities that you share, and supporting each other. If you are a lovey dovey couple this number can go as high as 56 (my amazingly attached sister does more or less that with her BF, and they seem to enjoy it), but you can't probably go lower than 14 without hurting the relationship.

After seeing friends, familiars and polls, I have the impression that to be a good parent you probably need 21 hours a week. It seems to peak in the first years (you will probably use 28 when they are babies) and then slowly recede (might end up using just 14 on elementary).

You need 56 hours sleep a week.

Probably around 2 hours a week of self hygiene and physiological needs.

Groceries 2 hours week.

Maybe 7 hours a week to eat all the food you need to.

So if you have zero social life, do no exercise, never go to the movies, never get sick, do nothing to help around the house, that is if you magically manage to do NOTHING but provide, game, be a husband and a father while keeping yourself alive you would need 175 hours, which is more hours than a week has. This is of course not only unhealthy but impossible.

You might argue that you can mix "being with your wife" and "eating" for example reducing the hours. That was taken into account, the two hours a day is the time you are going to spend "with her", not just "around her".

Of course this is VERY hard to do, that is why people fail and usually suck at either keep doing what they want or be there for their duties. Honestly if you go for it I think you have 90% chance to fail at one of your mayor listed goals.

That said, there is a neurochemical change in the brain for women when they have kids, normally they release dopamine and endorphin during the pregnancy and thus are almost "pablovianly trained" to feel pleasure and love towards her child. I am not sure if that is true for man, but if it is, maybe you can just go be a dad and not even miss the games.

 

[SaetonChapelle]

If you're not ready for children, then you're not ready and she needs to realize this. Both parties have to be preparred or else it could effect both your relationship, and your future child.

Once you're a parent, you are one for the rest of your life. Most extra funds and time are spent with your child. Now children are a wonderful thing, but you have to be prepared to make yourself second to your offspring. It won't be about you anymore, it will be about your family.

Now there are plenty of people who have kids and who can continue with their hobbies, but much of that time is cut short. You will have to learn to budget, and it won't be easy.

Bottom line, if you're not ready, it will be difficult to function. If you're already mature enough to marry, then you should be able to have an adult sit down with your wife. Communication is key to any relationship. Trust me, having a child before you are emotionally and financially ready can be stressful and regrettable. I can only wish you the best of luck

 

[Glongpre]

"Sometimes... to do what's right... we must be steady... and give up the things we desire the most... even our dreams." - spiderman 2

Words of wisdom.

You don't need to do anything until you're ready though.

 

[Aramis Night]

This is your life and you only get one. If a kid isn't what you need to be happy then there is no reason to have one. My father died last year of a drug overdose, but truthfully the whole reason he became a user was because his sense of responsibility was never rewarded and instead used against him. He became a father at an incredibly young age. Not aborting me was his first mistake. If I wasn't in the picture then when my mother betrayed him because of her own selfishness, he could have just walked away and kept living his life. But because I was in the picture he never got a chance to actually live his life and find any happiness. And the pain of betrayal was more than he could handle sober.

If your woman is going to put her own selfishness over your happiness then she also has no right to try to accuse you of the same without being a hypocrite. If you don't want a kid, don't have one. Don't let her lead you into a life of toil, regret, and pain. Don't let anyone attempt to shame you into conforming to a life you don't actually want. Do what makes you happy. If she has to talk you into it in the first place than you shouldn't even be having the conversation. It's just her manipulating you.

/signed: A proud gaming father of 2 abortions.

 

[GAunderrated]

How old is your wife? My wife is also pressuring me for kids right now, but we're also a bit older than you. You're 24 for christ's sake and you've only been married a year. Live life a little and enjoy it as a couple and make that marriage stronger before you throw a baby into the mix. Your wife needs to throw the brakes on, especially if you're not ready. Pressuring you to have kids is not healthy for your relationship, now or later.

As for gaming with a baby, I obviously don't have first hand experience, but I've known several married gaming couples that could still get some time in WoW even when they had a small baby. The first few months were rougher than others, but that's what tablet and mobile gaming is for.

This man is very wise and took the words right out of my mouth. Also in regards to your gaming, it will be severely limited and/or halted at least for the first year. Sure you may find a quick hour or so if you are lucky but expect that the gaming will be put on hold.

Also this poster has also said it but I will reaffirm the statement. It is better to make a new marriage rock solid before throwing a baby into the mix. Don't let her pressure you into having a baby because it will cause some resentment on some level. Wait until you are ready to start a family.