Girl Problems...

[Lord Kofun]

First, I think you should have been more clear of your intentions in the first place, like when you first started spending time together, but that is a moot point at this stage.

Second, I won't preach to you, but you may just have to give her some space for right now. Just be there, reminding her that you would really like to be a bit more serious with her, but if she is going to continue making very poor decisions (like that hooking up bit) are you sure you really want to be more serious with her? I know not all of us are perfect, but if she develops a history of this, it may not be the best idea to continue pursuing her. You might get hurt pretty badly yourself. I can say that because I have gone through something similar to this, and it turned out in that way. She repeated her behavior.

To put it simply, be there for her, but keep in mind that people rarely change. I apologize for being a bit of a raincloud, but someone has to say it, and I don't want people getting hurt who didn't earn it.

 

[Ultimathul]

My advice will be If you truly love her give her a second chance if it fails screw

i had similair problems but they where that girls keep dumping me for some unknown reason. 6 times now. it goes well at first but after two weeks i get a message that says i dont want to be in a relationship right now. seriously! What the hell did i do wrong! of what you wrote youre still on terms with what reasons she had but i really hope you dont end up like me.

 

[dwightsteel]

OK probably not the place, considering it's a games forum and all, but it's called Off Topic for a reason and I kind of need help and I trust my fellow escapists.

Alright so to put it simply, I fell for my best friend, and I really don't know what to do anymore. So basically I've spent the last 6 months to a year just being a friend to her, standing by her, helping her all the stuff expected by a best friend. So about 10 weeks ago I told her how I feel (don't ask why) and she did confess that she had feelings for me, but gave me what everyone else claims to be a bullshit excuse that she doesn't want to get into a relationship because she's been hurt to many times (despite how bs it might sound, she still hasn't entered into relationship).

Ok so I've been pretty down about everything lately and tonight i was talking to her on msn, just telling her how crap I feel of late, and I tell her "I'm pretty much over everything" and she replies with "You're over me." (not a question) "I'm not over you." I tell her I'm not over her and just as I say this she breaks down into telling me that on saturday night she hooked up with more than 1 guy and had dry sex, and how ashamed she is of herself.

So then in my depressed state I have to comfort her before she heads off to work. I really don't know what to do because I am desperately in love with this girl, but right now it seems like she just needs a friend... can someone give me some kind of advice here?

EDIT: Ok obviously I haven't given the 100% full story, I have left a couple of things out for reasons. So please keep that in mind when replying.

...Dude...I say this with such sincerity that people might even have trouble believing me considering that I'm kind of an ass, but I seriously feel for you.

It feels like a crazy problem you hear about in a romantic comedy movie, but the ending in site will in all likeliness be much more bleak.

I'm almost in shock reading your post because of the uncanny resemblance I see in my own life. I mean, truly uncanny, right down to her going out on a bender and fooling around to put us behind her. I can rarely say that I completely understand how someone on these forums feels, but this is a case that I really do. You want to be able to step in and tell her it's all ok. That it doesn't matter. You want to be able to put your feelings away and play the that comfort role, even at the expense of your own sanity. But there is another nagging part of you that doesn't know that you have the strength to pull it off.

I wish I had some really good advice to give you, but I don't. I can only tell you what road not to take. Don't push her away. You guys are gonna feel really awkward towards each other, which is gonna make it really easy to do that. Be conscious of it, because when it happened with me, I didn't even notice it. I thought that with a little space to figure it all out, that maybe it would work out. That we could figure it out. We just ended up growing further apart. I tried to close the gap, but I didn't know how to be the guy I needed to be. I didn't even know what role I was trying to play: her best friend, or the guy she was supposed to love. We grew further apart. She started dating again. I started looking for meaningless pieces of connection in one night stands where I could find them. When I realized that I wanted her in my life any way I could have her, she had already bounced out of two relationships. Here we are today, not as close as we were, but getting better. She has a new boyfriend. I'm still single. And I'm still in love with her. I hope your story ends up better then mine. I really do. Hell, if you figure your mess out, explain it to me. When it comes to her, I'm still pretty lost.

Good luck, dude.

 

[Desert_Storm]

Wow sounds familiar,
Most guys go through this.
You have put her on a pedestal though, is she really that amazing of a girl if she
sleeps around with what sounds like random guys, she might even like you but its not
enough for her to want you as her man.

Give her one final shot
If she wants you as her man, thats fine but be weary the relationship probably wont reach a month
If she wants to be a friend then tell her to cut this using you as a emotional baggage handler crap

 

[Ladie Au Pair]

had dry sex.

Alright, here are my 2 cents.

1. What is dry sex?

2. She probably does have feelings for you and really doesn't want to date you. (Yes, men, it can happen.) From what I read, it sounds like she is going through some crazy times and is trying to find what's going on in life. She knows that you are there for her now but might be scared that if you date and break up she will lose that. Until she straightens her own life out she will not date you. She is using you as a crutch (which isn't really a good thing) and doesn't want to loose that support.

3. I would tell her not to tell you about her going ons with other men because it makes you feel uncomfortable.

4. If you decide that you want to wait for her to come around and date you, make sure the relationship is healthy until that point. You said that you had started telling her about everything you were dealing with and then it morphed into her telling you about her sexual escapades. Not cool. This just means that she felt like her life and feelings were more important than yours. If you go to her just to talk, make sure that the conversation addresses your issues first and that you feel better before moving on to her problems.

 

[Ladie Au Pair]

...Damn double posting...

IGNORE ME!

 

[Iron Criterion]

Dude that is brutal and exactly the same thing has happend to me recently, except for mine has a worse ending in which my female best friend got with my male best friend despite her saying she doesnt want a relationship, and my friend sed he wouldn't do that to me. And they both come to me for relationship advice

 

[Sparrow]

You got two options:

Mount her, and never respect her again.
Don't mount her, and forever want to mount her, and freak her out, ending the friendship.

Your screwed.

 

[Corpse XxX]

You my friend, have ended in the friend zone, if you always stand by her and comfort her whenever she needs it then you are probably not gonna be anything else than a friend..

You should neither get to pushy emotional and feelings wise towards her, nobody likes a moaner..

Stand on you own two feet, and when you get all touchy feely, dont admit it to her.
Take it up with friends, cause thats what they are there for..

It does not hurt at times to be a bit rude to her, do not comfort her every time she wants you to, but dont over do it.. If she knows she can step all over you, and litterally own your ass, she will never be nothing but friends..

 

[AnGeL.SLayer]

ummm Let me be competely honest with you from someone whos been down that road a few times, on the female perspective.

After so long of being a guys friend, thats how they stay inless something changes. That usually doesnt happen inless you stray away from her for awhile or you help her out in a drastic situation, etc. you get what I'm saying? You will never be anything more than a friend inless something changers her mind.

Secondly, shes keeping you as a last resort, I think, by stringing you along by saying how shes into you yet doesnt act on it. The hurtful truth, women like to keep back ups for when all else fails. We want to know we are adored even though we have no intention of acting on it, sorry guys. This little 'pet' phase lasts all through jr high and some of high school. I'm not sure how old you are, but I'm guessing the area where your still figuring out who you are and she is really lost on how to do this.

My best advice, is break free of her - for awhile. Dont sever the friendship you have going but take a step back. You need to show her your not her pet and if shes not going to be serious then you want to stay friends while you look for something real. Dont hang out as much, dont seem as interested as much, but still be their for her if she needs you.

Sadly, I'm telling you to act not interested, as much, and it will bring her back to wanting you. Nothing like having to recaputre prey - let me tell you.


^_^

and before all the female create a lynching party, I'm not saying all women are like this, but we all have our own phase of it in same form or another.

 

[drummond13]

Well, at the risk of repeating what others have said, I feel inclined to offer my own two cents.

There's always exceptions, but I would say there's a 99% chance she has absolutely no interest in a romantic relationship with you. As some here have stated, if she had interest you would be together now. I know that sucks (believe me, I know) but the sooner you accept that as reality and start looking for a great relationship with any of the other millions of incredible girls out there, the sooner you will be happy again.

I think it was shockingly inappropriate for her to share details about her exploits, friend or no. She knows how you feel about her and was leaning on you to make herself feel better. For that matter, I think she may be (possibly subconsciously) using you a little bit. When women (and men) get insecure, there's nothing quite like having someone of the opposite sex around who's totally enamored. It's a quick self esteem booster. She may have mentioned the "dry sex" purely to get a reaction from you. Does this make her manipulative? Absolutely. But it doesn't make her the "manipulative little *****" a lot of people have been saying. ALL people do crap like this at one point or another (Yes, even you, skeptical reader of my comment). The important thing is to not let it get to you.

If you want to still be friends with her, by all means do so. But please don't keep looking for a way to turn this into a relationship. Please ignore all the well-meaning but totally damaging advice to "be there for her and when she's ready you two will fall together". It's possible, but the odds are MUCH lower than you'd like to admit to yourself. Just be friends with her and start turning your romantic attentions elsewhere.

I'm going to repeat this one more time, because people tend to not follow this advice: GIVE UP ON MAKING HER YOUR GIRLFRIEND. Not saying it to be mean; you sound like a nice guy. But as I said above, the sooner you do this the happier you will be. I PROMISE.

 

[DrDeath3191]

I suggest waiting for a bit while both of you get into more of a 'happy' state. Let someone else be the friend, because if you do it, she will think of you as a shoulder to cry on. That is an eternal 'friend-zone' from which there is no escape. After that, work toward your goal VERY slowly. After a while, it should work out for the best.

However, I haven't fallen in love yet, so this may be crap advice. Don't blame me if it doesn't work! Good luck!

 

[TerribleTerryTate]

As many, many others have already said - give up on the idea of being in a relationship with her. I don't know her, and it's difficult to pass judgement with such little information, but working off the information we do have, please for your own sake - move on.

The information she shared would, if I were in your position, make me feel a little ill. There was no need to pass on such info, and as such I can only assume she did it to simply see what you would say or how you'd react.
To be honest, it seems like she has a fair few issues at the moment, and from a purely selfish viewpoint, you really have to put yourself first.

If you want to keep her as a friend, fair enough. However, I'd strongly recommend you go find some other girl, there's plenty to choose from. Good luck.

 

[Inuprince]

I don't think she is worth your troubles - I had a similar case with a friend - I was in deep love with her for 2 years! She didn't want to be more than friends - I was depressed when she was dating others, and I never achieved anything with her - looking back it was all just a waste of my time - which is quite a sad thing when you think about the fact that this went on for 2 years :S - although I was younger and didn't have that much of an experience - I suggest to listen to the advice people give you - there are some great one's here also - it's much better to receive the truth earlier - then to learn the sad facts for yourself later on ...

I wish you the best - I would be happy if you succeeded

 

[Inuprince]

Dude, Ladder Theory [http://www.laddertheory.com/].

And this is a terrible place to ask for relationship advice.

All I can say is be a decent person and hope she likes you for it. Be rational and do what makes sense to help the situation. Then give it time.

Alternatively, take up drinking.

Thanks for the link to this great site - It was a very good and fun read Much appreciated!

 

[LooK iTz Jinjo]

This little 'pet' phase lasts all through jr high and some of high school. I'm not sure how old you are, but I'm guessing the area where your still figuring out who you are and she is really lost on how to do this.

SOME of high school? That implies that it is outgrown well before year 12... Yeah I'm 17 and in year 12 (so is she) just so you know. But honestly this is affecting nearly every aspect of my life. I've lost all motivation for school, gaming, the only thing I can still find this motivation to do is play football, that is it. I've gone from topping my school in I.T last year and class for legal studies as well as solid performances in maths, english and physics, to this year (the most important) where really I just look at that ever blinking cursor on my screen and just can't bring myself to type anything, I'm on like a D for 3 subjects.

So yeah kind of in a rut right now and if I want to do half decent at the end of year then I need to get out it, hence coming here...

 

[AnGeL.SLayer]

This little 'pet' phase lasts all through jr high and some of high school. I'm not sure how old you are, but I'm guessing the area where your still figuring out who you are and she is really lost on how to do this.

SOME of high school? That implies that it is outgrown well before year 12... Yeah I'm 17 and in year 12 (so is she) just so you know. But honestly this is affecting nearly every aspect of my life. I've lost all motivation for school, gaming, the only thing I can still find this motivation to do is play football, that is it. I've gone from topping my school in I.T last year and class for legal studies as well as solid performances in maths, english and physics, to this year (the most important) where really I just look at that ever blinking cursor on my screen and just can't bring myself to type anything, I'm on like a D for 3 subjects.

So yeah kind of in a rut right now and if I want to do half decent at the end of year then I need to get out it, hence coming here...

I'm sorry hun, I really am. We all have been down this road, believe it or not. You will live through it, I'm not saying its as easy as that, but you will live and move on and one day when someone brings up her name you wille be slightly shocked that you had forgotten it or hadnt thought about her in awhile. If you've said all you have to say to her in ways of feelings and shes not responded openly and positively, the best thing you can do is to start moving on. What else can you do but waste your life over something that clearly wasnt meant to be? I know you think all this and tell your self this and everyone makes it seem so freaking easy but the best thing to do is just keep moving forward, dont stop and look back at what you think could have been, go make something real for yourself. Everyone deserves something and someone to call their own.

^_^