Held a loaded gun to my head once back in 2007. Sadly I didn't pull the trigger. I still think of it from time to time.
Have you ever considered suicide?
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this is quite a story,i dont know how i would rate it, but its true, and it happened to me.
well... before the festivities of xmas and such, i began feeling really bummed, it was my birthday (december 23) and just 4 people appeared at my house even thought i had invited nearly 20 or more, i had cooked a wonderful meal that went to waste, i bought the best bottles of scotch, tequila, beer, anything anyone would have wanted was there... but only 4 people came, the girl who i wanted to spend the evening with didnt even show up and i had an argument with her over the phone apparently, having sex with her (because she asked), being there for her, never demanding anything always trying to make her feel better about the breakup she had over a year ago makes me "just her friend", i got a divorce over 1 year ago from a girl who i still feel strongly for (she was the one who ended it, no big deal, she was just not ready to be marryed and wanted to keep being single) and after my "girl who is a friend" told me all those things i kind of felt so alone, my actuall friends from all my life didnt helped at all, i fought with one of them (drunk) about a stupid thing that i dont even remember and to top it all, my workload when i got back from vacation had tripled
funny thing is, i have ALWAYS thougth that suicide is for "pussies", the "easy way out", and all those things a healty person actually thinks, but a week ago i was driving back from work, thinking about all my troubles and the things that had always bugged me, the stress of having to keep fighting with my ex about the child, not so much fighting but me bowing at her request because the laws here in MX actually give her a really unfair advantage over who gets to keep the kid, she is still studying and i work for crist sake, and if she so much as "demmands" something and i dont give it to her she can take the kid away from me, wereas i have always fought of a shared time, because i do believe my son needs his mother, and a sudden flash of light... i actually saw it purple came to my mind -i should kill my self, that way, the kid goes to his mom, she collects the life insurance and lives confortably, i wouldnt need to apologize to anyone about being a jerk in my birthday that no one cared about, everyone would mourn me and forget about me in a month or so, that way i would get out of the way of everyones lives, they would never need to hear me again saying "i miss my wife" or "i feel alone", and i would stop feeling all this suffering that keeps burning inside-
at that momment it made sense, in a split seccond, all my troubles were fixed, no more caring about anyone or anyone caring about me, my kid would be happier in a single house, my friends would remember me some times while drinking "remember about Vinny? he was an idiot!"
and then it hit me, i had seriously considered killing my self, i started to cry, all the way home, i know it was just one thought, one split seccond, one insignificant momment when i yielded and thought "i cant take this any more" but it was enough, i had seriously considered killing my self.
and it hurt, it really hurt in my pride to aknowledge that i had lost the will, the power to contiue, me, the guy who has always being there for others to hold on, the brick wall that always repelled anything anyone threw in its way, that guy who is always smiling or making a joke, who enjoys his video games throuroughly and has conquered most of them, who had the wish of seing his son grow to a good man, the desire of visiting Japan and if possible move there, the casanova who in his best days was able to get any girl... i couldnt believe myself me at my 25 years was thinking about killing himself.
i got home and went to bed, the night felt so cold and lonely that day.
i spend the next week alone, just going to work and back, seing my kid on the weekend, i´m kind of ashamed to admit i didnt wanted to be with him, i didnt wanted to be with anyone.
today is monday, exactly a week ago i had that dreadfull feeling, i kind of cheated because all that time i spend at home i was playing Assasins creed brotherhood, i just finished it yesterday and i felt happy, i was also building on the escapecraft.com server (minecraft), and my creations made me feel happy, and little by little i began filling that void with happines, and today i had the will to call at least one of my friends and invite him over, today was a really good day, we spend the evening playing "Sports" in the PS Move (we had a really close match of disc golf)
so yeah, if something keeps me going when all else fails, its "Video games" lets see what those "VIDEOGAMES ARE EVIL!!! THEY BRAINWASH AND MAKE PEOPLE KILL EACH OTHER" have to say about this stupid little story, if i ever considered my self a gamer is because of this, VG are a big part of my life, they are not my life, but they can help me clear my thoughts and look at things in a different light, every "mission" i completed in AC:B made me a little happier, and lifted that "purple" fog that had nested in my head allowing me to think more clearly and objectively.
i dont know if it makes sense, i dont know if its the best way of doing things, but thats how it happened to me, i know people might think its not that bad, or think my problems are small, but its not the problem what matters, its how it affect us, and i know that while some guys wouldnt want to have a kid, i have wanted to have a kid since i was 15, and the simple thought of losing him is enough to make me depressed.
in this case, my problems ARE small (or so i feel looking at them from waaay over here), but they all came toguether in one of the worst times of the year to haunt me.
well... before the festivities of xmas and such, i began feeling really bummed, it was my birthday (december 23) and just 4 people appeared at my house even thought i had invited nearly 20 or more, i had cooked a wonderful meal that went to waste, i bought the best bottles of scotch, tequila, beer, anything anyone would have wanted was there... but only 4 people came, the girl who i wanted to spend the evening with didnt even show up and i had an argument with her over the phone apparently, having sex with her (because she asked), being there for her, never demanding anything always trying to make her feel better about the breakup she had over a year ago makes me "just her friend", i got a divorce over 1 year ago from a girl who i still feel strongly for (she was the one who ended it, no big deal, she was just not ready to be marryed and wanted to keep being single) and after my "girl who is a friend" told me all those things i kind of felt so alone, my actuall friends from all my life didnt helped at all, i fought with one of them (drunk) about a stupid thing that i dont even remember and to top it all, my workload when i got back from vacation had tripled
funny thing is, i have ALWAYS thougth that suicide is for "pussies", the "easy way out", and all those things a healty person actually thinks, but a week ago i was driving back from work, thinking about all my troubles and the things that had always bugged me, the stress of having to keep fighting with my ex about the child, not so much fighting but me bowing at her request because the laws here in MX actually give her a really unfair advantage over who gets to keep the kid, she is still studying and i work for crist sake, and if she so much as "demmands" something and i dont give it to her she can take the kid away from me, wereas i have always fought of a shared time, because i do believe my son needs his mother, and a sudden flash of light... i actually saw it purple came to my mind -i should kill my self, that way, the kid goes to his mom, she collects the life insurance and lives confortably, i wouldnt need to apologize to anyone about being a jerk in my birthday that no one cared about, everyone would mourn me and forget about me in a month or so, that way i would get out of the way of everyones lives, they would never need to hear me again saying "i miss my wife" or "i feel alone", and i would stop feeling all this suffering that keeps burning inside-
at that momment it made sense, in a split seccond, all my troubles were fixed, no more caring about anyone or anyone caring about me, my kid would be happier in a single house, my friends would remember me some times while drinking "remember about Vinny? he was an idiot!"
and then it hit me, i had seriously considered killing my self, i started to cry, all the way home, i know it was just one thought, one split seccond, one insignificant momment when i yielded and thought "i cant take this any more" but it was enough, i had seriously considered killing my self.
and it hurt, it really hurt in my pride to aknowledge that i had lost the will, the power to contiue, me, the guy who has always being there for others to hold on, the brick wall that always repelled anything anyone threw in its way, that guy who is always smiling or making a joke, who enjoys his video games throuroughly and has conquered most of them, who had the wish of seing his son grow to a good man, the desire of visiting Japan and if possible move there, the casanova who in his best days was able to get any girl... i couldnt believe myself me at my 25 years was thinking about killing himself.
i got home and went to bed, the night felt so cold and lonely that day.
i spend the next week alone, just going to work and back, seing my kid on the weekend, i´m kind of ashamed to admit i didnt wanted to be with him, i didnt wanted to be with anyone.
today is monday, exactly a week ago i had that dreadfull feeling, i kind of cheated because all that time i spend at home i was playing Assasins creed brotherhood, i just finished it yesterday and i felt happy, i was also building on the escapecraft.com server (minecraft), and my creations made me feel happy, and little by little i began filling that void with happines, and today i had the will to call at least one of my friends and invite him over, today was a really good day, we spend the evening playing "Sports" in the PS Move (we had a really close match of disc golf)
so yeah, if something keeps me going when all else fails, its "Video games" lets see what those "VIDEOGAMES ARE EVIL!!! THEY BRAINWASH AND MAKE PEOPLE KILL EACH OTHER" have to say about this stupid little story, if i ever considered my self a gamer is because of this, VG are a big part of my life, they are not my life, but they can help me clear my thoughts and look at things in a different light, every "mission" i completed in AC:B made me a little happier, and lifted that "purple" fog that had nested in my head allowing me to think more clearly and objectively.
i dont know if it makes sense, i dont know if its the best way of doing things, but thats how it happened to me, i know people might think its not that bad, or think my problems are small, but its not the problem what matters, its how it affect us, and i know that while some guys wouldnt want to have a kid, i have wanted to have a kid since i was 15, and the simple thought of losing him is enough to make me depressed.
in this case, my problems ARE small (or so i feel looking at them from waaay over here), but they all came toguether in one of the worst times of the year to haunt me.
Yes, recently in fact, it got so bad over the last few weeks that I am now on antidepressants because of it, I'm not entirely sure why I didn't go through with it, but the pills are definitely helping, so I think mine was just a chemical imbalance that I feel that I've had all my life.
My advice is - you can leave any time you want. But you can't come back. So you might as well stick it out for as long as you can. You're going to die anyway. What's the rush?SAT4NSLILHELPER said:
Im a cynicist, a nihilist, and all around sarcastic non-beleiver in every way. The only thing that keeps me going in this stupid world is lack of acess to a gun.
I don't get along with my step family (Dad's side), one particularly nasty, long holiday I just stopped drinking anything for 3 days. I didn't die so I had a glass of juice and just sort of withdrew.
From my perspective i find it impossible to kill myself since i've thought about it but my body's impulses refuse to let me want to end my life even though i've never thought or wanted to i just know its improbable for me to do so.
Had a half-assed suicide attempt once. Overdose on tricylic antidepressants, ended up spending a night in cardiac icu and one in a general ward. Something I think would discourage some people is- it's embarrasing. Two ambos and two cops showed up at my door to take me to the hospital. I barely had time to leave a note for my parents about where I was going before I was whisked off. And as for the ambulance ride, don't they install shocks on those things?! I was almost bounced off the bed, on a road I've traveled on many times with no bumps at all.
Yeah, the wait 24 hours is a pretty good piece of advice, mine is, don't you'll get found out and it will be SO embarrasing. Maybe if more teenagers were told that, it'd be less likely to be viewed as an option.
Yeah, the wait 24 hours is a pretty good piece of advice, mine is, don't you'll get found out and it will be SO embarrasing. Maybe if more teenagers were told that, it'd be less likely to be viewed as an option.
Man, that's really uplifting, thanks.MiracleOfSound said:
I guess the Escapist helps me go through all of that a lot. And you cretainly do.
Maybe a bit more than the average person does. Never seriously though. I always come back to the same thought, livings a lot better than the alternative.
The thought has occurred to me in the past, but then I realized that going through with it would only make things worse for my mom.
Hell no, my existence is a blip in time as it is, I'd never try and make it shorter unless it was as a sacrifice to save others, I'd consider myself selfish if I did.
(Please don't interpret me as calling all people who attempt suicide selfish, this is only a perspective on myself, it's mainly pity I have for people who've attempted such a grave thing.
(Please don't interpret me as calling all people who attempt suicide selfish, this is only a perspective on myself, it's mainly pity I have for people who've attempted such a grave thing.
Don't you go to that place again! I still have to challenge you to a Smash Bros duel...Marter said:
OT: Once, briefly but the thought of the pain it would cause both my family (specifically my Nephew and Sister) made me literally punch the thought out of my head. It was a depressing time for me but I got through it...