Having had time to think about the Xbox One...

[Dirty Hipsters]

Having had time to think of the xbox one, I'm really starting to come around to some of its features.

Thinking about a lot of the features individually makes them seem rather pointless at best, or like contrived gimmicks at worst, but you need to think about how they'll work together.

I'm sure none of us were particularly impressed with the console when Microsoft announced that the XBox One would have Internet Explorer as a built in browser. Nor were most of us impressed when Microsoft stated that the console would have voice controls. You have to think about how these two things will work together though!

Imagine a world were you'll be able to look up porn on your xbox without the use of your hands.

That's a world I want to live in.

Spoiler

Spoiler

 

[ShinyCharizard]

There is nothing more difficult in this world than trying to use the mouse to look up more porn with your left hand whilst your right hand is covered in lube. Bring on this glorious future.

 

[Zhukov]

Uh huh. Hands-free porn.

With a camera that will be filming you all the time. [http://www.penny-arcade.com/comic/2013/05/24]

 

[badgersprite]

We'll also live in a world where you can troll people you know incredibly easily by commanding the Xbone to switch out of whatever they're in the middle of doing and telling their console to download the entire library of Justin Bieber music just by saying it out loud.

Griefing will be revolutionised forever.

 

[Johnny Novgorod]

I'm getting so many contradictory "facts" flying back and forth about the Xbone I wonder what's the point of all this speculation. Some say it's going to be online 24/7, others say no, others say kinda because you'll need to connect once every day. Some say the camera will always be on, some say no. Can we wait till the damn thing is on the market, because these threads are going in circles...

 

[piinyouri]

I'm getting so many contradictory "facts" flying back and forth about the Xbone I wonder what's the point of all this speculation. Some say it's going to be online 24/7, others say no, others say kinda because you'll need to connect once every day. Some say the camera will always be on, some say no. Can we wait till the damn thing is on the market, because these threads are going in circles...

Yup, exactly.

I mean the thing may very well end up being the angel of death come to steal all our first born, but until we know for 100% sure, cycling rumors and half around just damages the situation needlessly.

 

[MrWunderful]

I'm getting so many contradictory "facts" flying back and forth about the Xbone I wonder what's the point of all this speculation. Some say it's going to be online 24/7, others say no, others say kinda because you'll need to connect once every day. Some say the camera will always be on, some say no. Can we wait till the damn thing is on the market, because these threads are going in circles...

Yup, exactly.

I mean the thing may very well end up being the angel of death come to steal all our first born, but until we know for 100% sure, cycling rumors and half around just damages the situation needlessly.

Indeed.

It seems a lot of people around here have some esteem issue where spreading rumors and putting down a product that has not been released yet Makes them feel better. I hope the console is awesome, but I will keep my reservations until it is released.

 

[KarmaTheAlligator]

I'm getting so many contradictory "facts" flying back and forth about the Xbone I wonder what's the point of all this speculation. Some say it's going to be online 24/7, others say no, others say kinda because you'll need to connect once every day. Some say the camera will always be on, some say no. Can we wait till the damn thing is on the market, because these threads are going in circles...

Blame Microsoft for that. They had a reveal that revealed nothing, so we have to make do with what they decided to comment on.

 

[Arslan Aladeen]

That was pretty brilliant. Bravo OP, bravo! Put a great big smile on my face at the end there.

 

[The White Hunter]

We'll also live in a world where you can troll people you know incredibly easily by commanding the Xbone to switch out of whatever they're in the middle of doing and telling their console to download the entire library of Justin Bieber music just by saying it out loud.

Griefing will be revolutionised forever.

That'd stop little shits putting their headset audio through the fucking TV speakers though wouldn't it Less reverb for the rest of us.

OT: Still just don't care about the thing, unless it has amazeballs games I'll likely never care, I have a PC and a Wii U and that will likely see me into the new gen without much hassle. May pick up a PS4 for the first party content.

 

[Headdrivehardscrew]

Right.

One wrongly interpreted command and you'll be speaking to your mom on videochat whilst being stark naked and pleasing yourself furiously.

 

[Xarathox]

Right.

One wrongly interpreted command and you'll be speaking to your mom on videochat whilst being stark naked and pleasing yourself furiously.

You: "Kinect, play Milf Hunters"

Kinect: "Playing selection"

Line from movie: "Oh Mom!"

Kinect: "Calling mom"

You: "What?! Stop! Kinect, stop!

Mom: "Oh, high sweet...ie...Oh my god, what are you doing?!"


Captcha: interrupting cow. Haha!

 

[Jandau]

I'm getting so many contradictory "facts" flying back and forth about the Xbone I wonder what's the point of all this speculation. Some say it's going to be online 24/7, others say no, others say kinda because you'll need to connect once every day. Some say the camera will always be on, some say no. Can we wait till the damn thing is on the market, because these threads are going in circles...

It needs to check in once every 24 hours, but since it'll be using cloud computing you need to have a constant internet connection to actually play anything.

 

[SinisterGehe]

I have problem giving a toss abut the thing if Indeed most of the "advanced" features, along with voice commands (since localizing them will be impossible due to the variety of language base and accents in lets say for good example FINLAND).. etc wont be available outside of US... Why would I buy the damn thing?
Also if microphone and camera are always on, it can suck my great colossal balls before I'll let it in to my apartment. I got confidential business phone calls often there so... Nope...
And since my apartment is only one room... And I am not going to be bothering to always unpluging the damn thing when I am not using it if it indeed needs to "stay" connected incase of cloud and updates... whatever.

 

[Yopaz]

We'll also live in a world where you can troll people you know incredibly easily by commanding the Xbone to switch out of whatever they're in the middle of doing and telling their console to download the entire library of Justin Bieber music just by saying it out loud.

Griefing will be revolutionised forever.

Imgaine a new world of rage quit in any online shooter... XBOX, TURN OFF! Really, it's just perfect.

OT: I don't care about the Xbox One bit (that one doubles as the console name and as a part of my sentence, isn't that a clever way to reduce the amount of words people have to read in my post?This only works if they did not read what I wrote inside the parenthesis, if they did read this then this has all been a waste) if it turns out well, then good for them, if not too bad. There's no games that I want for it so there's no need for me to buy one thus no need for me to get upset over features I don't like with the thing. I'd be more upset if they had announced a game that I wanted...

 

[Helikaon]

It needs to check in once every 24 hours, but since it'll be using cloud computing you need to have a constant internet connection to actually play anything.

So what happens if it doesn't check in? Do we have any idea if it will do it automatically or will the poor soul that buys the thing have to go on and do it?

I can imagine people having to make arrangements when they go on holiday for someone to go in and use the XBone every day. Perhaps they could do it when they go to feed the cat?

 

[KarmaTheAlligator]

It needs to check in once every 24 hours, but since it'll be using cloud computing you need to have a constant internet connection to actually play anything.

So what happens if it doesn't check in? Do we have any idea if it will do it automatically or will the poor soul that buys the thing have to go on and do it?

I can imagine people having to make arrangements when they go on holiday for someone to go in and use the XBone every day. Perhaps they could do it when they go to feed the cat?

See that's part of the problem, they didn't say. Most of the details they revealed were possibilities and other vague assumptions, and we're left guessing at what it actually does.

 

[Jandau]

It needs to check in once every 24 hours, but since it'll be using cloud computing you need to have a constant internet connection to actually play anything.

So what happens if it doesn't check in? Do we have any idea if it will do it automatically or will the poor soul that buys the thing have to go on and do it?

I can imagine people having to make arrangements when they go on holiday for someone to go in and use the XBone every day. Perhaps they could do it when they go to feed the cat?

Naw, it'll check automatically. If it's off for more than 24 hours it'll likely check in as soon as you turn it off. It's not that big of a hassle unless you have no internet whatsoever. But the fact that MS is promising that it'll rely on cloud computing is something that has me worried far more and everyone else seems to be ignoring that feature...

 

[Duncan Belfast]

Try saying some of your fetishes out loud. It feels really weird. You kind of mumble them to yourself.

(not one of my fetishes, but)
User: search for... petplay... porn...
Xbone: I'm sorry, I couldn't understand you. Say it again.
User: Search for petplay porn.
Xbone: search for petplay porn what?
User: ...mistress.

There's also the logistics of remembering where you put your lube; that moment when you wonder if you remembered to put it back in your bedroom as your friends are making their way to your living room.

And finally, there's your friends asking what these mysterious stains on your couch are, and then suddenly not returning your calls.

There is nothing more difficult in this world than trying to use the mouse to look up more porn with your left hand whilst your right hand is covered in lube. Bring on this glorious future.

Why not just use your right hand to use the mouse, and let your left hand do the dirty work? For that matter, why are you still using your hand directly?

I'm surrounded by plebeians!

 

[Amir Kondori]

I love that animated GIF.