Help with prospective girlfriend
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A reply has been posted in the Relationship Problem thread, at the following link: ---> http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/18.117161-Relationship-problem-thread?page=33#6109329Jiraiya72 said:
The reason why I do things the way I do them is because then all my answers are collected in the one place. This is important because I get multiple messages and PMs daily about relationship problems and cross-referencing them becomes a real bastard if they're spread out over multiple threads, PMs and you-name-it. If it's all in the one place, I can easily refer one person not only to their advice, but also to another person's advice if it's applicable, keep track of everything reasonably well, and not only that but people who have problems in general can read back through it, find a problem similar to their own, see how it was solved and then they may not even need to post at all (remember that there's often a great deal of stigma and embarrassment that comes with admitting that you have a relationship problem and seeking advice - especially on The Escapist where at least one person per page always says "looking for advice on an internet forum from a bunch of nerds is stupid" or something similar - so if I can spare someone the flaming, then I think that's a good thing). If that comes across as arrogant, I apologise, but I'm really just trying to be helpful, and the vast majority of the feedback I've gotten so far is that people are genuinely grateful for the help. If my comments just come across to you as pure common-sense, then that makes you one of the lucky ones who will never need that thread, and I wish you all the best in life.Legion said:
If people are genuinely grateful for your help then I cannot criticise your helping them. I won't deny how surprised I am at some of the questions you get asked though, I was referring more to the solution to the questions themselves as opposed to your specific answers. I'd have thought 'Compulsive Liar = Avoid' would be something that people wouldn't need to be told.BonsaiK said:
I apologise for coming across as more aggressive than I intended.
That's okay. I get the spirit of what you're saying, and I'm aware of how my cross-posts sometimes look to people, which is why I try to make them as discreet as possible.Legion said:
I tend to agree with your central point. Some of the things I get asked seem fairly basic to me, but what I always try to tell myself is that there are a lot of young, inexperienced or socially naive users here who don't understand even the most basic principles of relationships - just as I sure didn't have a freaking clue back when I was a teenager and getting into gaming. It's easy for me to sometimes forget, as someone who is nearly 36, that the most powerful demographic on this forum is people less than half my age, and with a lot less experience.
You really need to boil this down to: sex versus girlfriend.
If you are worried about having her as a girlfriend then I doubt you are that into her. It should be a gut decision with little ambiguity. (That usually comes later)
I'm guessing you either don't want to be alone or you have itchy balls. Two of the worst reasons to hook up with anyone.
I don't see the big question, you have no right to try and change a person to suit you and she probably won't change anyway. It's too big an emotional gap so either fuck her, love her or leave her alone
If you are worried about having her as a girlfriend then I doubt you are that into her. It should be a gut decision with little ambiguity. (That usually comes later)
I'm guessing you either don't want to be alone or you have itchy balls. Two of the worst reasons to hook up with anyone.
I don't see the big question, you have no right to try and change a person to suit you and she probably won't change anyway. It's too big an emotional gap so either fuck her, love her or leave her alone
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If she lies it's probably for two reasons, which tie together quite nicely so it's more like one giant reason.
- She's a compulsive liar, and she's been lying her whole life because;
- She secretly thinks that her life is too boring, or she's not fun or rich or pretty enough,
so she fabricates EVERYTHING to make herself look and feel better, and in the end has gotten so accustom to doing it that she just does it all the time.
She can change, and I know that because she used to be me, but it takes a strong will and a lot of personal reflection - and a want to change.
Grow a pair, stop talking to a forum and start talking to her.
There's no magical answers, and there's not tactical way of saying "hey babe, just wondering, why are you a compulsive liar?", because liars hate being caught out and having to own up. That's why they lie, to get out of other lies. Vicious cycle, but it's got to end somewhere.
- She's a compulsive liar, and she's been lying her whole life because;
- She secretly thinks that her life is too boring, or she's not fun or rich or pretty enough,
so she fabricates EVERYTHING to make herself look and feel better, and in the end has gotten so accustom to doing it that she just does it all the time.
She can change, and I know that because she used to be me, but it takes a strong will and a lot of personal reflection - and a want to change.
Grow a pair, stop talking to a forum and start talking to her.
There's no magical answers, and there's not tactical way of saying "hey babe, just wondering, why are you a compulsive liar?", because liars hate being caught out and having to own up. That's why they lie, to get out of other lies. Vicious cycle, but it's got to end somewhere.
If she is happy to lie about little things, there's no question that she has no problem with lying about big things.
If she's lying about inconsequential things, she'll lie about things that are important. It could be pathological, it could be attention seeking, it could be bad habit. I'm not about to play arm-chair psychologist. Regardless, it's a pattern of behavior you're not going to want to base a relationship around, is it?
I won't read anything into your post or make assumptions about you as it's unreasonable to do so, but I'd ask you to seriously consider why you would want to become involved with someone you know is deceitful. If it's something that annoys you, why get involved? And even if you could learn to tolerate it, why should you? More importantly, a relationship should be based on trust, and it sounds like you won't have much luck in that department, so it is worth the hassle?
Best of luck whatever you decide.
I won't read anything into your post or make assumptions about you as it's unreasonable to do so, but I'd ask you to seriously consider why you would want to become involved with someone you know is deceitful. If it's something that annoys you, why get involved? And even if you could learn to tolerate it, why should you? More importantly, a relationship should be based on trust, and it sounds like you won't have much luck in that department, so it is worth the hassle?
Best of luck whatever you decide.
Everyone lies. Some people are just bloody terrible at it. Although if this girl seems to be doing it pathologically then she may have a screw loose . . .or she's just a deceitful ****. Either way your best bet is to cut your losses and take comfort in the fact that in the future when this girl is going through her first divorce it won't be half your stuff she's taking with her.
Trust me when I say girlfriends/wives on a whole are more trouble then they are worth. Don't get me wrong I like the occasional slap and tickle as much as the next fella but that is about where my use for anything resembling a girlfriend begins and ends. Seriously, stay single. You won't have anyone bitching about who you are hanging out with, where you are going, what you are spending your money on etc. In the whole of my adult life the most miserable people I have met have to a person been men either married or in a long term relationship.
Trust me when I say girlfriends/wives on a whole are more trouble then they are worth. Don't get me wrong I like the occasional slap and tickle as much as the next fella but that is about where my use for anything resembling a girlfriend begins and ends. Seriously, stay single. You won't have anyone bitching about who you are hanging out with, where you are going, what you are spending your money on etc. In the whole of my adult life the most miserable people I have met have to a person been men either married or in a long term relationship.
Trust is huge in a relationship. You might be able to be friends with her, or even "friends with benefits", but anything beyond that is going to be a ticking time bomb.