Here is the relationship advice you all really need

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RaphaelsRedemption

Eats With Her Mouth Full
May 3, 2010
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Well, thank you. I think that was something that really needed to be said on these forums... the amount of "need help with x relationship problem" threads are amazing.

As a girl, I can say it's pretty much the same from the the other perspective, so never think that we might be in control or understanding everything. We're most likely as much at sea as the guys, and will make the same mistakes. And will feel bad about our bodies. And will be ashamed of stuff in our past. And will say the wrong thing.

But, it can be worked through, and relationships can be just awesome. It's so worth it - as is this thread.
 

Nwabudike Morgan

New member
Oct 25, 2009
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I'm headed off to Cape Cod for a week of drinking beer and eating fried seafood, but before I go, one thing.

There is a way to tell if the relationship you're in is going to be a long one: if the two of you fart in front of each other, neither of you are going anywhere for a while.

Oh, and something really important. Don't worry, your penis is, in fact, big enough. No, it is, don't worry about it. She's a lot smaller than you think down there.
 

Jonluw

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May 23, 2010
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Nwabudike Morgan said:
People are always asking for advice on here, and a lot of what is being asked has no basis on how relationships actually work. The sooner you learn these things, the happier you'll be.

There is nothing you can do, no matter how perfectly thought out and executed, that will make someone who does not have feelings for you suddenly like you. That's not how people work. You can't just pick someone and work at making it happen. Almost every relationship you will be involved in will be with someone that you never knew you had feelings for until you realize she's the only person you've spent time with for the past 3 days. You don't ever pick someone, you find them.

At the beginning of a relationship, things will be amazing. You will want nothing more than to be with her and learn everything there is to know about her and everything she has ever done in her life and it'll be so exciting and wonderful and you'll be the happiest you'll be in your life. And then all of that will stop. This does not mean you're suddenly going to break up. It happens in every relationship, the connection is just as strong as it was before, you're just both comfortable enough with each other and that your relationship can survive on its own without needing constant attention.

Eventually, you're going to get in a fight, and it'll be the first of many. They'll usually be over something really minor and insignificant that you wouldn't even think could start a fight and afterwards you'll just kind of avoid each other. You, in all probability, did not suddenly ruin everything and doom each other to splitsville. You'll both need some space for a little while, you'll cool down, you'll make up, you'll move on. Trust me, you'll know if the fight you just had is going to be what ends it. It'll be really, really ugly.

Also girls don't need figuring out. There is no hidden meaning or subtext in the things she does, there is nothing to decipher, whatever she just told you means exactly what it means.

And one last thing, you're going to wind up having sex eventually, and I know you want it to be one of the most perfect and incredible moments of your life. It will be anything but. It will be awkward, you'll be nervous and extremely self conscious, you will have no idea what you are doing, you will second guess everything you do, all sorts of things will go wrong, you'll probably wind up making an ass of yourself and you will spend at least half of it just wanting it to be over. Congratulations. It's over, you survived. It only gets better from here.
This is actually a bit disturbing to me. At the moment it feels like there is no way I'll ever fall in love or be able to sustain a relationship, and I'm happy with that. But apparently, one day something in by brain will go 'click' and I will change. That's kind of disturbing.

I don't know about that "whatever she told you means exactly what it means" part. I am of the impression that girls communicate slightly differently from guys, and that that might cause misunderstandings in some cases.
 

BonsaiK

Music Industry Corporate Whore
Nov 14, 2007
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What the hell, while I'm here I'll reply to this one too. There's never been any threads on The Escapist like this ever, and now there's two in two days?

Nwabudike Morgan said:
There is nothing you can do, no matter how perfectly thought out and executed, that will make someone who does not have feelings for you suddenly like you. That's not how people work. You can't just pick someone and work at making it happen. Almost every relationship you will be involved in will be with someone that you never knew you had feelings for until you realize she's the only person you've spent time with for the past 3 days. You don't ever pick someone, you find them.
Correct.

Nwabudike Morgan said:
At the beginning of a relationship, things will be amazing. You will want nothing more than to be with her and learn everything there is to know about her and everything she has ever done in her life and it'll be so exciting and wonderful and you'll be the happiest you'll be in your life. And then all of that will stop. This does not mean you're suddenly going to break up. It happens in every relationship, the connection is just as strong as it was before, you're just both comfortable enough with each other and that your relationship can survive on its own without needing constant attention.
Correct, in the cases when that happens. For me I don't tend to have things pan out in this way because I don't spend a lot of time with my partners, I don't get the honeymoon euphoria or the "comfortable" phase, but then I suppose I live a fairly unique lifestyle that prevents these things from happening in the normal way.

Nwabudike Morgan said:
Eventually, you're going to get in a fight, and it'll be the first of many. They'll usually be over something really minor and insignificant that you wouldn't even think could start a fight and afterwards you'll just kind of avoid each other. You, in all probability, did not suddenly ruin everything and doom each other to splitsville. You'll both need some space for a little while, you'll cool down, you'll make up, you'll move on. Trust me, you'll know if the fight you just had is going to be what ends it. It'll be really, really ugly.
Not necessarily true. I've maintained relationships with women for many years without a single fight, and without any doormat behaviour from either party either. Constant fight-picking over insignificant details is a hallmark of an abusive relationship and it's a sign that a deeper issue needs to be addressed. But a certain amount of fighting (or at least disagreement) is definitely natural in most cases and to be expected.

Nwabudike Morgan said:
Also girls don't need figuring out. There is no hidden meaning or subtext in the things she does, there is nothing to decipher, whatever she just told you means exactly what it means.
Correct. (Unless she's lying, but then both sexes are equally capable of doing that.)

Nwabudike Morgan said:
And one last thing, you're going to wind up having sex eventually, and I know you want it to be one of the most perfect and incredible moments of your life. It will be anything but. It will be awkward, you'll be nervous and extremely self conscious, you will have no idea what you are doing, you will second guess everything you do, all sorts of things will go wrong, you'll probably wind up making an ass of yourself and you will spend at least half of it just wanting it to be over. Congratulations. It's over, you survived. It only gets better from here.
Correct, unless you're very lucky.

Nwabudike Morgan said:
There is a way to tell if the relationship you're in is going to be a long one: if the two of you fart in front of each other, neither of you are going anywhere for a while.
Correct, although if this doesn't happen, I wouldn't be alarmed. Some people just don't roll that way.

Nwabudike Morgan said:
Oh, and something really important. Don't worry, your penis is, in fact, big enough. No, it is, don't worry about it. She's a lot smaller than you think down there.
Correct.
 

maximilian

New member
Aug 31, 2008
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I agree with the OP entirely.
I'd also like to say that his differs from my thread in that I am talking about combatting a very specific way some guys act PRIOR to actually being in a relationship.
I'm glad this thread picks up where the relationships begins.

I would also say that a relationship is actually hard work.

It is hard work in that it is incredibly exhausting and incredibly rewarding, and it will occupy much of your time.
It is no simple thing when people decide to weave their lives together, and points of friction will always come, but tended well the relationship will blossom and progress into points of great joy and happiness.

I think the only thing I would clarify is this:

you're just both comfortable enough with each other and that your relationship can survive on its own without needing constant attention.
I agree with this entirely, however I want to clarify that the OP doesn't mean that you can just sit back and do whatever you want. A relationship needs constant attention, and if it's the right person, then you will want to spend time giving it attention. In this way, the relationship ISN'T work and it doesn't need "constant attention" as the OP has stated - however, it does need your time and care:
you need to express yourself to your significant other, talk about problems, work through problems, plan, listen to one another and cultivate the entire thing.
 

everfreeDragon

New member
Oct 28, 2009
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Hey dude stop stalking me and my girlfriend please, I haven't seen any proof you have until ow because this is way too close to what me and her have been through so far. You did a great service posting this.

That is sans the sex part we are the kind to wait until marriage first.
 

Tearopenthelives

New member
May 15, 2008
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Sorry if it has been said but how about the importance of your relationship is exactly that YOURS.

Be ready to give a massive middle finger to everyone else's concept of a good relationship, as worrying about how you measure up to another's standards is a great way to mess things up