Hi! I'd like your feedback on this game story intro I'm writing.

[pensandpapers62]

Note 1. 8/21/2016: I did post this in Advice forum awhile back but I did not get much feedback so I'm trying here.

Note 2. 8/22/2016: Tonight I trimmed some words off and replaced others, I hope its a better read now.

Any feedback is appreciated, I mainly want to know if this story introduction would make you want to try this game. I want to hook the reader in. Thank you for reading!

Genre: High-Fantasy, RPG, dungeon-crawler.
Setting: Urban/city, desert, underground.

Long ago several kingdoms were engaged in trade with each other. But trade was difficult, dangerous, and costly in those days. By sea, pirates, storms, and sea creatures sunk the trade ships. Land routes were long and indirect, caravans were plagued by bandits and blocked by grueling mountain passes. Yet there was a way that had not been attempted. A desert centrally located between the trading kingdoms; crossing it would be a far more direct route between the kingdoms. So in the name of gold and commerce a caravan of trailblazers was formed and began their trek across the harsh sands. They were accompanied by Magi who could magically find water hidden deep within the ground and bring it to the surface. Midway through their journey the Magi detected a massive source of fresh water nearby. Their spells led them to something they did not expect; a titanic spiraling staircase that twisted deep into the earth as far as the eye could see down and within its caves, life-giving water.

Thus a sprawling metropolis soon grew on the edge of the massive pit. For this location was exactly centered between the trading kingdoms and would become a bustling trade hub for years to come. This shining new city would be called Aridia, truly a jewel of the desert. Individuals from all walks of life and races flocked to Aridia and it became a melting pot. Drawn to it's mystery, explorers from the young Aridia journeyed down into the subterranean realm returning with troves of treasure and goods from it's expansive ruins and caverns. But this flourishing city was not without strife. Soon after the first adventurers went below, hordes of monsters began to spew forth from the gaping hole to bloody the gilded streets of Aridia.

Then came Annihilation. A beam of blinding light erupted from the pit blazing into the sky and a dome of energy briefly formed over the city. In the aftermath, contact with any outside civilization was lost, only barren earth remained. Scouts confirmed it, those that lived within the walls of Aridia, were the last survivors in this world.

For the people to survive, parties of adventurers had to delve into the endless pit to hunt it's strange creatures for food and scavenge for anything useful. The pit was both an oasis and a fount of despair. Despite the many daring adventurers that have braved it's depths, it remains unknown what lies in the deepest bowels of the earth.

On this day you will become one such adventurer. You will embark on your first sojourn into the pit, your reasons are your own. You must first pass the Adventurer's license exam and forge a party to descend with you. What dangers will face you? What wealth and glory will you amass? What answers will you uncover? That is only for you to determine...

 

[FalloutJack]

Several things poked out at me. Forgive me for this. One of my college courses had me reviewing other people's work.

{1} I'd consider identifying the region in which the kingdoms lie if you weren't planning to put their names in the intro.

{2} Curious about the desert. It's shorter, but the first team misjudged it and the next team didn't just bring more water?

{3} Phased, not fazed.

{4} Led, not lead.

{5} Replace 'And so' with Thus. It doesn't clash with the next And.

{6} 'Spew forth from the pit'.

{7} You might wanna replace 'dome of light' with 'dome of energy' or just 'energy dome' because you don't want to repeat the same word too often, if you can avoid it.

{8} Just checking. Is this Earth? Sort of an Earth that isn't our own?

{9} I would suggest 'It remains unknown to this day what lies within its untold depths, despite the many daring adventurers that have braved it.', personally. You've said pit alot, and I wouldn't be surprised if you named this game 'Pit of Despair', because that sounds very good.

{10} The sojourn into the pit sentence is declarative, so it does not need a question mark.

{11} You really say pit too often. Use other words and phrases, like 'the deep', 'its depths', 'the murk', 'the dark', 'the unknown', 'the underground', and possibly 'the unfathomable'.

{12} An editor will probably tell you that you have some missing or misplaced commas on this. I don't like to be the guy that points this out, but you're writing seriously, so I thought I'd save you the time.

Sounds to me like you're making a random generating dungeon crawl game. It sounds interesting enough, like being trapped in Paradigm City with no resources, forcing you to go deep within the underground that all the people are terrified of. Whatever game this is, I want to ask a favor: No irritating little bats. All the Pokemon players (and RPG players in general) will thank you.

 

[pensandpapers62]

Several things poked out at me. Forgive me for this. One of my college courses had me reviewing other people's work.

{1} I'd consider identifying the region in which the kingdoms lie if you weren't planning to put their names in the intro.

{2} Curious about the desert. It's shorter, but the first team misjudged it and the next team didn't just bring more water?

{3} Phased, not fazed.

{4} Led, not lead.

{5} Replace 'And so' with Thus. It doesn't clash with the next And.

{6} 'Spew forth from the pit'.

{7} You might wanna replace 'dome of light' with 'dome of energy' or just 'energy dome' because you don't want to repeat the same word too often, if you can avoid it.

{8} Just checking. Is this Earth? Sort of an Earth that isn't our own?

{9} I would suggest 'It remains unknown to this day what lies within its untold depths, despite the many daring adventurers that have braved it.', personally. You've said pit alot, and I wouldn't be surprised if you named this game 'Pit of Despair', because that sounds very good.

{10} The sojourn into the pit sentence is declarative, so it does not need a question mark.

{11} You really say pit too often. Use other words and phrases, like 'the deep', 'its depths', 'the murk', 'the dark', 'the unknown', 'the underground', and possibly 'the unfathomable'.

{12} An editor will probably tell you that you have some missing or misplaced commas on this. I don't like to be the guy that points this out, but you're writing seriously, so I thought I'd save you the time.

Sounds to me like you're making a random generating dungeon crawl game. It sounds interesting enough, like being trapped in Paradigm City with no resources, forcing you to go deep within the underground that all the people are terrified of. Whatever game this is, I want to ask a favor: No irritating little bats. All the Pokemon players (and RPG players in general) will thank you.

This is the best feedback I've gotten so far, thank you. I've now implemented some of the easier fixes you suggested. I certainly do need to have more variety of words and provide more names of places. Although, fazed is the correct word see here and other sources https://www.google.com/search?q=fazed&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8. Phase has more to do with "They are going through a phase". I hope you stay tuned fallout jack and watch I strengthen and develop this piece. Thanks for your help.

P.S There will be bats.

 

[JoJo]

In the vein of FalloutJack:

[li]Land routes where were long and indirect[/li]

[li]melting-pot should be melting pot[/li]

[li]hordes monsters should be hordes of monsters[/li]

[li]The first paragraph uses four semi-colons, including three in three consecutive sentences. Not technically incorrect, but it comes across as a bit heavy, especially for a video game.[/li]

Otherwise, I had a look at your other thread and it says that this is the introduction in the game itself. My gut feeling is that this intro is a little too long, but it also feels undetailed in parts, especially at the beginning. Perhaps it might be an idea for the introduction to focus mainly on the Annihilation, and save the story of how the city was founded for the player to discover in-game.

 

[balladbird]

As Ezekiel said, if you're intending this to be a Star Wars-esque opening text crawl for your game, my greatest advice would be to rethink your exposition style. Even assuming you're narrating it, opening with an exposition bomb is a bit antiquated. It may be better to think of a different way entirely to get the information across to the player. Placing the info in NPC dialogue or character chatter, perhaps, or having the world show, rather than the words tell, for the nature of the environment.

The premise isn't bad, though. it has the potential to be somewhat generic,if care isn't taken, but that's a judgement call that can't be made with nothing but an introduction. As long as you sell your story well with the characters and dialogue you should be good.

 

[Fox12]

1) I think you could trim it down a little bit. It's not bad, but it could be great. The idea for the story was enough to make me curious, but it feels like the exposition goes on too long. Cut it down to the core details, and then tell us about the rest of the plot later. Remember, you objective should be to hook the player, not to tell them the whole story. You can tell them the story gradually throughout the game.

2) Add some personality, it's a little dry. You can make the narrator unreliable. You can give the speaker some personality. Maybe they seem a little... off. Maybe they don't seem trustworthy. Maybe they seem broken. Maybe their eccentric and funny. Maybe they're one of the main characters.

3) Withhold information. I know, this seems like the opposite of what you should do, but bare with me. Instead of telling your audience about your world, deliberately withhold information. Give them very little to go on. This will create a sense of mystery that your audience will want to solve. They'll be eager to play the game because they want to know what's going on. Let me give you an example of a strong opening:

Spoiler

This is a great intro because it asks the player questions instead of providing information. It's pretty simple on the surface. James has traveled to Silent Hill because his wife sent him a letter. The problem? His wife is dead! Well, now I'm curious. How does a dead person send a letter? There's only one way to find out. I'll have to play the game! As the player I can't wait to get started.

Just look at the way it's written. James is constantly asking questions. How can a dead person send a letter? What's our special place? Why am I looking for her? Is she actually alive? It creates anticipation. Instead of providing answers to your players you should be asking them questions. You can give them details later. You already have the raw materials in place. Where did the monsters come from? Where did the beam of light come from? What's going to happen in the future? Glaze over the boring stuff and focus on the most interesting part.

Spoiler

These intro's create a sense of interest and curiosity in the player

Good luck!

 

[FalloutJack]

There will be bats.

Well, make them big snarly bats!

(Kudos to everyone else for picking up what I missed, BTW. I was tired.)

 

[pensandpapers62]

In the vein of FalloutJack:

[li]Land routes where were long and indirect[/li]

[li]melting-pot should be melting pot[/li]

[li]hordes monsters should be hordes of monsters[/li]

[li]The first paragraph uses four semi-colons, including three in three consecutive sentences. Not technically incorrect, but it comes across as a bit heavy, especially for a video game.[/li]

Otherwise, I had a look at your other thread and it says that this is the introduction in the game itself. My gut feeling is that this intro is a little too long, but it also feels undetailed in parts, especially at the beginning. Perhaps it might be an idea for the introduction to focus mainly on the Annihilation, and save the story of how the city was founded for the player to discover in-game.

Many thanks. I've put in your corrections. I agree it needs to be shorter but I'm not sure where I want to make cuts yet.

 

[pensandpapers62]

This seems like a setting to an Etrian Odddysey game, the setting itself seems sound, though I didn't understand if there is a dome around the city or everything beyond went kaboom. What kind of tone do you want for it? It can go grimdark or noblebright if presented right.

I havent set in stone what theme it will be, but I think parts will be grim and parts will be very bright, I want heavy contrast between the surface city and the caverns below.

 

[ryan_cs]

I'm going to suggest cutting out the first paragraph and rewriting a bit of the second. If this is a dungeon crawling RPG like Etirean Odyssey or The Darkest Dungeon, you might notice that in those openings there's no history of how the place got found.

How did your ancestor discover the Darkest Dungeon? Why is there a town there? Who cares for now, it's a mystery.
Give the lore later, after the tutorial or first run through the dungeon.

 

[pensandpapers62]

I'm going to suggest cutting out the first paragraph and rewriting a bit of the second. If this is a dungeon crawling RPG like Etirean Odyssey or The Darkest Dungeon, you might notice that in those openings there's no history of how the place got found.

How did your ancestor discover the Darkest Dungeon? Why is there a town there? Who cares for now, it's a mystery.
Give the lore later, after the tutorial or first run through the dungeon.

That's an interesting suggestion. But what does that leave the player with? I'm afraid it would leave not much for them to go on. Their first impression might be "Wow another generic rpg". I imagine that it will be a story heavy game.

 

[pensandpapers62]

[/quote] Good luck![/quote]

Thanks for your advice.

 

[ryan_cs]

I'm going to suggest cutting out the first paragraph and rewriting a bit of the second. If this is a dungeon crawling RPG like Etirean Odyssey or The Darkest Dungeon, you might notice that in those openings there's no history of how the place got found.

How did your ancestor discover the Darkest Dungeon? Why is there a town there? Who cares for now, it's a mystery.
Give the lore later, after the tutorial or first run through the dungeon.

That's an interesting suggestion. But what does that leave the player with? I'm afraid it would leave not much for them to go on. Their first impression might be "Wow another generic rpg". I imagine that it will be a story heavy game.

Making your game seem unique is usually a job outside of the game, in the text and artwork on the description page of the site you put the game in.

Here's the opening to Undertale:
"Long ago, two races ruled over Earth: HUMANS and MONSTERS.
One day, war broke out between the two races.
After a long battle, the humans were victorious.
They sealed the monsters underground with a magic spell."
Then you see a kid fall underground, then the game starts.

Here's the opening to Planescape Torment:
You get some very vauge flashbacks, then you wake up and meet a talking skull.
You get some info about where you are, but the lore comes after you get control of your character.

 

[pensandpapers62]

I'm going to suggest cutting out the first paragraph and rewriting a bit of the second. If this is a dungeon crawling RPG like Etirean Odyssey or The Darkest Dungeon, you might notice that in those openings there's no history of how the place got found.

How did your ancestor discover the Darkest Dungeon? Why is there a town there? Who cares for now, it's a mystery.
Give the lore later, after the tutorial or first run through the dungeon.

That's an interesting suggestion. But what does that leave the player with? I'm afraid it would leave not much for them to go on. Their first impression might be "Wow another generic rpg". I imagine that it will be a story heavy game.

Making your game seem unique is usually a job outside of the game, in the text and artwork on the description page of the site you put the game in.

Here's the opening to Undertale:
"Long ago, two races ruled over Earth: HUMANS and MONSTERS.
One day, war broke out between the two races.
After a long battle, the humans were victorious.
They sealed the monsters underground with a magic spell."
Then you see a kid fall underground, then the game starts.

Here's the opening to Planescape Torment:
You get some very vauge flashbacks, then you wake up and meet a talking skull.
You get some info about where you are, but the lore comes after you get control of your character.

Those are both excellent games so you make a strong case. I'll have to think on it more.

 

[SweetShark]

Like the most other said already, you should make it a little shorter and guve only details which make the players interesting and curious to find the answers, more details. Because lets face it, some players just want to hack and slash monsters. Keep it short and sweet and let them by themselves to speculate what happened in the game for the futher story development of the plot.
Something like this maybe? [my english are terrible, so forgive if I sound horrible]:

Everyone is dead. Every single sign of life are no more outside the walls of the once great city Aridia. Only the people who live inside are cursed to still breath along side with the ihabitants of the massive pit in the heart the city. A new circle of life had started so we can survive: Explore inside the pit for food and water. If we fail, in return we feed them woth our flesh.
Now is your turn to help the poor souls of thw city survive a couple more days.
But sometimes all of us wonder...what it is far beyond inside the beep pit? Do you dare young adventurers to find out?"

 

[pensandpapers62]

Like the most other said already, you should make it a little shorter and guve only details which make the players interesting and curious to find the answers, more details. Because lets face it, some players just want to hack and slash monsters. Keep it short and sweet and let them by themselves to speculate what happened in the game for the futher story development of the plot.
Something like this maybe? [my english are terrible, so forgive if I sound horrible]:

Everyone is dead. Every single sign of life are no more outside the walls of the once great city Aridia. Only the people who live inside are cursed to still breath along side with the ihabitants of the massive pit in the heart the city. A new circle of life had started so we can survive: Explore inside the pit for food and water. If we fail, in return we feed them woth our flesh.
Now is your turn to help the poor souls of thw city survive a couple more days.
But sometimes all of us wonder...what it is far beyond inside the beep pit? Do you dare young adventurers to find out?"

Thank you for the feedback friend, I'll see what I can do.

 

[FalloutJack]

By request.

Bearing in mind that other people have given some decent advice worth considering themselves...

{1} Something that I missed before in the first paragraph was that I think the second sentence should have 'But it was difficult'.

{2} You may want '...' after 'By sea' instead of a comma, but that is just something particular to me.

{3} Probably should go with 'and caravans were plagued', because we know they're trade caravans already.

{4} I would say 'Magi who were skilled in finding water', since Magi denotes the use of magic, as is.

{5} I think 'Aridia, the shining jewel of the desert' would also work.

{6} 'Drawn to its mystery', as opposed to it's.

{7} 'But this flourishing city was not without strife' is a full sentence. End it there, begin the new one with Soon.

{8} Okay, you've made the world destruction more apparent by citing that only those within the dome seemed to survive. Very nice. I would still go with 'last-known survivors'. The world is a very big place and you don't want to cut yourself off from possible plot-twists.

{9} 'its strange creatures'. No apostrophe.

{10} I would say 'for reasons of your own'.

{11} Are you saying 'will face you?' for artistic license or did you mean 'will you face?'.

{12} There are, as noted before, a fair few missing commas. Try to remember to put those at what feels like a short pause or change of thought.

 

[Wholesale Karma]

Note 1. 8/21/2016: I did post this in Advice forum awhile back but I did not get much feedback so I'm trying here.

Note 2. 8/22/2016: Tonight I trimmed some words off and replaced others, I hope its a better read now.

Any feedback is appreciated, I mainly want to know if this story introduction would make you want to try this game. I want to hook the reader in. Thank you for reading!

Hey, I replied in your previous thread and misinterpreted what you were asking for, although I see a lot of grammar advice here which I really wasn't expecting either. I'm still unclear what you are doing this for. Just for your own fun? You and friends? Is this for a tabletop rpg? Generally, intros aren't what make people want to play a game. The coolest intro I can recall was from Legacy of Kain: Soul Reaver. Other than that garnering interest is all about marketing, word of mouth and that sort of thing.