How much are you willing to change for a partner?

[Realitycrash]

A pretty clear-cut question.
Are you willing to change parts of yourself (habits, appearance, hobbies, job, location, social circle, political views, religious views, etc) if doing so would land you, or give you a very high probability, of landing a partner you desire?
Are there some things you would never change, or never compromise?
How much of 'you' are you willing to change for the love and affection of someone else? If a lot, or little to nothing, explain your reasoning.

I see a lot of people online claiming that no-one is interested in them, or would ever be. Yet when I ask them why they do not do X or Y to get a that which they very much demand (a partner, or sometimes just affection or even attention) many respond with near horror, because doing X and Y just isn't 'them'. Apparently, to some people, even minuscule changes to their person will make them 'sell-outs' or 'traitors' in some fashion.
Everyone wants to be loved for 'who they are', this I can understand, but why does it seem like so many people refuse to accept that what 'they are' might not be compatible with what they want (i.e partner, affection, attention, etc)?

 

[Rose and Thorn]

I would rather be alone than change who I am for someone.

One needs to love them self before loving another. If one feels that they are betraying themselves even a little than the romance will never be fully complete. I think a lot of people change for someone else, because of this exact reason you mentioned, claiming no one is interested.

Someone is always interested people, even if you never find them. Hmmm.

 

[HardkorSB]

That depends how much would my partner be willing to change for me. Compromise works both ways.

Also, changing your political/religious views, the people you hang out with, the things you enjoy doing aren't minuscule changes.
It's not even like I can just change things like my religious views. I can pretend to change them but in my head I will still hold my beliefs because they are a result of years of thinking and researching.

If we're talking about long term relationships, such changes are almost impossible because sooner or later, you will act like yourself in front of your partner.
If you were to put on an act for the other person for the sake of "love", than that wouldn't really be love and if it would, it wouldn't be directed towards you but towards your act.
It's like saying you love an actor because in that one movie his character was the person from your dreams.

 

[Smolderin]

Change who I am as a person? Never, not even for someone I love. Change somethings about me as a person that could be considered improvements? Like maybe quitting smoking, learning better manners, stuff like that...sure. Though if someone came up to me and said, "You need to change your personality", then we would have an issue. I would also point out that being a partner, you should have accepted my personality in the first place otherwise why would have you chosen me to be your partner...seems...err...counter productive.

 

[TakeyB0y2]

I wouldn't mind changing my appearance. It's kinda something I've been considering for awhile. You know, as long as it doesn't make me look ridiculous or get me fired.

Habits? Possibly. I suppose being tidier wouldn't be a bad thing, but of course I'm not gonna take that too far.

Hobbies? I dunno if I'd change hobbies, but I wouldn't mind picking up some new ones.

As for your other examples, hell-to-the-no. I'm NOT going to change my beliefs, values, or dump my friends just to be romantically involved with someone. Moving is out of the question, too stressful. Job? Well if we were both working hard to support ourselves and what I have just isn't cutting it and I'm unsatisfied with my job, yeah I'll consider it.

Changing things like ones values and beliefs wouldn't work in the long term. It would absolutely stress you out, with you constantly trying to convince yourself that you believe something you actually don't, and eventually you'll snap and blow your cover. Just isn't gonna work.

 

[gritch]

If changing to be with someone makes me a better person, then I'll change anything about me. If being with someone else makes me go through changes that would make me a worse person then that person probably isn't worth being with in the first place.



... I'm going to be alone forever.

 

[Rawne1980]

I changed a little bit when I met my wife.

Only what got up to on a night out.

Calmed my attitude down a bit as well, and my aggressiveness.

Not willing to change anything else. I needed to change the things I did, the rest of me is perfect.

 

[manic_depressive13]

I wouldn't change anything for a potential partner. If there's someone that I fancy who can't stand the fact that I smoke, or doesn't like the way that I dress, I would dismiss them as a judgemental ass.

However, if my current boyfriend said he was concerned that I am smoking too much, I would happily quit immediately for him as he is asking me to stop because he cares about me. His love isn't conditional on my quitting. I would change anything that I don't feel makes me who I am provided he gives me a fair reason why I should. That includes habits, appearance, job or location. Also, I would only do it if it wasn't presented as a deal-breaker. If he said "I would love it if you got a job closer to where I live so I could spend more time with you" or "you would look really cute if you cut your hair short" or something, I would say why not. But if he said "This isn't going to work unless you change X Y and Z about yourself" I would have to ask him to piss off.

I wouldn't change my values or ditch my friends for anyone. Frankly I don't need to worry about the latter because all my friends have already ditched me. My political and moral beliefs are here to stay though, unless I am provided with an extremely compelling argument for why I should change them. I wouldn't suddenly become right wing just because I have a crush on someone.

 

[SlaveNumber23]

Not much, if they want me to change who I am to be with them, then they aren't the one for me. I wouldn't mind trying new hobbies/activities or meeting a new social circle for a partner but not much more than that, I'm certainly not adopting a new religion for them.

 

[Sexual Harassment Panda]

Habits - If I'm being annoying, I have no problem with it being pointed out. If it's reasonable, I'll try to remedy it.

Appearance - Again, if it's reasonable. As in maybe losing some facial hair or cleaning myself up a bit. I'm not having anyone dress me or tell me how to have my hair.

Hobbies - Ha... no.

Job - No.

Location - Possibly. But I would have to be on board for my own reasons too.

Social circle - Doubtful. Though I don't really have one.

Political views - Am I picking them?

Religious views - Again, don't think I'm picking them... think they're just how I feel.

Apparently I'm not willing to change much. Oh well.

 

[Quaxar]

I would, but only half of me until I'll eventually have turned into Two-Face, then keep her but find a girl to love the unchanged side of me and all together move into an appartment devided into two sides appropriate for each part of my personality.
But then again I am a big fan of Tommy Lee Jones' Two-Face in Batman Forever and THAT I will not change...

 

[Ryotknife]

I just always assumed that one has to change, even a little, for a relationship to work. Nearly no one is 100% compatible. I dont mean to change who you are at a fundamental level, but small compromises.

 

[Realitycrash]

Not much, if they want me to change who I am to be with them, then they aren't the one for me.

Even if they make you happy? Even if you love them?

 

[SlaveNumber23]

Not much, if they want me to change who I am to be with them, then they aren't the one for me.

Even if they make you happy? Even if you love them?

What would make me happy is for someone to love me for who I am.

 

[Vault101]

I think its unrealistic to think you never have to chage for somone, I think compromise is better...but it also depends on how much of a big deal said thing is

like its stupid for her to expect you to stop gaming..[i/]however[/i] mabye game a little less and mabye not spend so much money on merchandise (unlless its a must have...like that portal action figure)

 

[Ieyke]

Funnily enough, I'd happily change for a partner, but I believe that GENERALLY a partner should never ask you to change.

I willingly adjust myself for the women I love all the time according to their tolerances and preferences without them ever asking. It's sort of a matter of the happiness and well-being of my loved ones being a fundamental component of my own happiness, and the fact that I'm essentially not super attached to most things about myself. There are certain things I'll always enjoy and gravitate towards when left to my own devices, but very little so monumentally vital to me that I can't change it if needed.

The thing is, the women who've earned my love are kind of inherently never going to really try and change me. They're simply not the type to try and make someone do something they don't want to, unless it's genuinely unhealthy, stupid, or dangerous.

I have been meddling in one girl's life for 3 years now - subtly reinforcing her self-confidence, crushing her insecurities, dissuading her from stupid ideas, deflecting unwarranted blame she directs onto her self, etc etc etc.
I'm not saying it's all me, but since I met her....holy shit has she changed. She's gone from sort of throwing herself at random guys to fretting over thinking about more than one guy at a time.
She no longer has a dinosaur phobia.
I've gotten her to quit smoking 3 times (with her not smoking for months until some sort of huge crisis always makes her start again.)
She has almost entirely quit drinking (I was just trying to talk her out of getting trashed every night).
I WAS getting her to be vastly more fiscally responsible.....but then I accidentally got her addicted to comic books... >_<
The last things left are to build up her confidence in her artistic ability (which she has plenty of, and she says she has none...), and to finally overcome the blinding rose-colored glasses of love and make her realize that her boyfriend is a complete asshole to her (and everyone).


I WELCOME that type of meddling from others. Anyone who sees ways to help me change for the better...by all means, show me the way.
I fail to see the downside.
I'm not demanding that she do anything and forcing her into it. People should never be forced to do things against their will.
I'm showing her possibilities and then highlighting advantages, while highlighting disadvantages in her current state of being, and getting her to decide to change. That's called teaching. Changing someone for the better via teaching is kinda one of the greatest gifts you can give someone, IMO.


When it comes right down to it, we change constantly. I don't think it's a terrible thing to find room in that change for adjustments to better accommodate the ones you love.

 

[Zipa]

I wouldn't object to a few minor compromises like say if I was going out with a girl who didn't like facial hair I wouldn't care about losing my beard.

I would never change my political , religious or moral views though because someone especially a partner doesn't agree with me, if they truly love me then they will accept me for who I am.

Same applies for hobbies, and as for my job I would be a moron to give up my current job since it is decent and stable.

To move location I would have to have a damn good reason since I live in the same town as all my family and friends.

As for habits, yeah I could live with getting rid of some bad ones, I mean we all have them after all, but they must also compromise and get rid of theirs to.

 

[Merkabah]

Depends. Most of the things you brought up specificly as examples could need to change to have a shot at a normal stable relationship or they might not. Really need context. Take your social circle. Most would probbly say thats off limits, But if all your friends are a bunch of drug addicts thats going to be a problem with anyone that would be worth having. On the other hand if its just your partner not likeing them...well thats just stupid, And just the act of them asking is probbly a red flag. Context is everything.