How much are you willing to change for a partner?
- Thread starter Realitycrash
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Everyone changes in a relationship, whether they like it or not. You have to compromise. If there's fundamental conflict, then the thing wont work.
I changed. When things got serious and we decided to get married, I changed more. So did she. Nothing fundamental, as I say, but little things. Not leaving socks around. Using ties on chip bags instead of just folding them. Getting groceries after work because she's finished the Honey Bunches of Oats and she doesn't eat any other cereal. Toning down the spiciness of my cooking.
That sort of thing.
I changed. When things got serious and we decided to get married, I changed more. So did she. Nothing fundamental, as I say, but little things. Not leaving socks around. Using ties on chip bags instead of just folding them. Getting groceries after work because she's finished the Honey Bunches of Oats and she doesn't eat any other cereal. Toning down the spiciness of my cooking.
That sort of thing.
none. altering your behavior, or attempting to alter the behavior of someone yo ufind approximately attractive will result in failure.
I like how I am right now and wouldn't change anything, so why would I need to change for someone else? I have never had a girlfriend because of how I am (recluse gamer) and if that's how it's going to stay then so be it.
As much as they're willing to change for me. If they say to me "You need to change your gaming habits" then I'd retort with basically the same, but with the major hobby in their life. It's really if they're willing to change. Because if they aren't willing to change, then why should I be willing to change?
Here's a recent example:
A guy I'm seeing recently asked if I could be a bit more affectionate via text when we aren't with each other. It seems like a reasonable request, I admit to being somewhat lacking in experience in exactly how to differentiate text conversation with a romantic partner compared to a friend. So I agreed to try and be more affectionate via text, admitting that I had trouble with romantic gestures in general.
A guy I'm seeing recently asked if I could be a bit more affectionate via text when we aren't with each other. It seems like a reasonable request, I admit to being somewhat lacking in experience in exactly how to differentiate text conversation with a romantic partner compared to a friend. So I agreed to try and be more affectionate via text, admitting that I had trouble with romantic gestures in general.
I'm lovin' some of the responses in this thread...
[ul][li]Habits:
It depends on what's being asked. If it means not being lazy about where I leave things, then sure.[/li]
[li]Appearance:
Sure. I've got no fashion whatsoever, so as long as I don't end up looking like a tosser I don't mind wearing new clothes, provided they're comfortable. If she would want me to shave my beard, I'm perfectly okay with that. If she would want me to cut my hair, then it would depend on how short we're talking. I'll cut it down from Jesus-hair, but I'm not going around with an army buzz-cut.[/li]
[li]Hobbies:
Again, it depends on what's being asked. I'll cut back on playing video games, sure, I already go days without touching them every now and then. But ask me to put down my guitar and I'm liable to thump somebody. And the only way she'll get me to stop writing is if I'm currently in the process of writing and she comes into the room wearing a negligee and knee-high socks.[/li]
[li]Job/Location/Social Circle:
I'm combining all of these because, well, they all seem tied together. Unless I have a fairly cozy, well-paying job already, I wouldn't be averse to moving. I've only got one friend I spend any significant amount of time with currently anyway, so my social circle wouldn't suffer all that dramatically by me moving somewhere else.[/li]
[li]Political/Religious Views:
I don't really have any to speak of in the first place. I've got stances on the issues that politicians discuss, but generally speaking I'm pretty moderate and unless she's going to damn me to hell for believing that a woman should be allowed to get an abortion whenever she likes while she's pregnant, I can probably get along with her. That being said, if she's going to try influencing my political views or get obsessive about me needing to care more about political issues, we'd have a problem.
As far as religion goes, I can either avoid discussing it entirely, or hope she doesn't mind some light ribbing of it. I won't belittle other peoples' views, but I will most certainly make off-color jokes about the teachings or beliefs some religions hold. And as tolerant as I'll be of her religion, I most likely will not convert, so if that's an issue...[/li][/ul]
For the sake of expedience, I'm going to make my post under the presumption that I'm already in a relationship, instead of merely seeking one out.Realitycrash said:
[ul][li]Habits:
It depends on what's being asked. If it means not being lazy about where I leave things, then sure.[/li]
[li]Appearance:
Sure. I've got no fashion whatsoever, so as long as I don't end up looking like a tosser I don't mind wearing new clothes, provided they're comfortable. If she would want me to shave my beard, I'm perfectly okay with that. If she would want me to cut my hair, then it would depend on how short we're talking. I'll cut it down from Jesus-hair, but I'm not going around with an army buzz-cut.[/li]
[li]Hobbies:
Again, it depends on what's being asked. I'll cut back on playing video games, sure, I already go days without touching them every now and then. But ask me to put down my guitar and I'm liable to thump somebody. And the only way she'll get me to stop writing is if I'm currently in the process of writing and she comes into the room wearing a negligee and knee-high socks.[/li]
[li]Job/Location/Social Circle:
I'm combining all of these because, well, they all seem tied together. Unless I have a fairly cozy, well-paying job already, I wouldn't be averse to moving. I've only got one friend I spend any significant amount of time with currently anyway, so my social circle wouldn't suffer all that dramatically by me moving somewhere else.[/li]
[li]Political/Religious Views:
I don't really have any to speak of in the first place. I've got stances on the issues that politicians discuss, but generally speaking I'm pretty moderate and unless she's going to damn me to hell for believing that a woman should be allowed to get an abortion whenever she likes while she's pregnant, I can probably get along with her. That being said, if she's going to try influencing my political views or get obsessive about me needing to care more about political issues, we'd have a problem.
As far as religion goes, I can either avoid discussing it entirely, or hope she doesn't mind some light ribbing of it. I won't belittle other peoples' views, but I will most certainly make off-color jokes about the teachings or beliefs some religions hold. And as tolerant as I'll be of her religion, I most likely will not convert, so if that's an issue...[/li][/ul]
Anyone saying they wouldn't change a thing has either never been in a relationship, or is just unaware of those all those little changes that happen throughout the course of a relationship.Silvianoshei said:
So many of the answers so far are: Hell No I wouldn't change nothing for nobody! But it's not usually some sort of grandstanding threat of: "You must change this thing or I will leave you!" The changes are often small and subtle and just what people do to get along.
My wife no longer cooks with celery, because I don't like it and she is indifferent towards it. There was no "I have to change your diet" argument. it just kind of happened. Likewise I no longer spend my Sunday playing 7 hours of playstation punctuated only by frequent breaks for masturbation.
You will change your hobbies and habits. Not because some evil castrating ***** demands you put down your controller, but because it is heaps more fun to spend your leisure time doing other things with the person you love, I mean if you just keep doing exactly the same things as before, then whats the point of having a partner?
You will change social circles, your partner will introduce you to their friends for starters.
Appearance might change: If your partner says you look more sexy with a beard, you'll probably grow a beard because people like being told they look sexy.
These are not bad things. These are good things.
It depends really, if I think the change is a good one (or a small one, you've always got to compromise a little) then I'll do it. I won't change things like my religious or political opinions, because that really would just be me lying, but I'll change a few habits if they would really prefer (a couple of girlfriends have asked me to remove or shorten my sideburns, I don't mind that too much). Stuff like clothes, hobbies or friends, I'll try new things (within reason), but I won't get rid of my old ones. There are some changes that are just plain good, like doing more exercise, that I would never get around to doing without the motivation.
I think saying you'll refuse to change at all is pretty silly; you'll change inevitably just by being with someone, and I doubt you will ever find anyone who will love absolutely everything about you, if they admit it or not. If you really think that your little annoying habits are so integral to who you are that you can never change them, then you've got problems.
The biggest thing that I've ever changed about myself for a person is that I stopped eating meat around my last girlfriend. She was a vegetarian; I said I wouldn't become one myself, because I just don't really agree with it (and I think it would be a really bad reason to become one), but I stopped eating meat around her to make her feel more comfortable. It wasn't that big a deal considering we didn't live together, and she really didn't like seeing me eat meat, so I considered it a good compromise.
I think saying you'll refuse to change at all is pretty silly; you'll change inevitably just by being with someone, and I doubt you will ever find anyone who will love absolutely everything about you, if they admit it or not. If you really think that your little annoying habits are so integral to who you are that you can never change them, then you've got problems.
The biggest thing that I've ever changed about myself for a person is that I stopped eating meat around my last girlfriend. She was a vegetarian; I said I wouldn't become one myself, because I just don't really agree with it (and I think it would be a really bad reason to become one), but I stopped eating meat around her to make her feel more comfortable. It wasn't that big a deal considering we didn't live together, and she really didn't like seeing me eat meat, so I considered it a good compromise.
I feel that Scott Pilgrim nailed this one pretty well (more self-respect than love though).Rose and Thorn said:
OT: I would of course make changes to my life to remove habits I passively ignore that detriment my life to appease a partner however I would be hard-pressed to change any aspect of my personality, interests, beliefs, social circle, and hobbies, if not outright refuse.
CAPTCHA: Get over it: Fuck you captcha, fuck you very much.
Not that tied to routine, so habits, location and job(though considering how hard it is to find work these days I wouldn't want to give up a job I finally get) wouldn't be that big of a deal. Appearance however is a touchier issue. I'm a fairly nacissistic person that fucking love my hair. Haven't even gotten the tips cut off for seven years. I'm flexible when it comes to clothing and my body, but don't mess with my hair.
Social life, political and religious views is beyond her control.
Social life, political and religious views is beyond her control.
I'll clean up my room. That's about it. If they don't like me for who I am, then they aren't worth having as a girlfriend in the first place.
I don't think I've changed much for the current girlfriend.
I have changed in the time, sure, got a job and a haircut (big deal for me) but she didn't pressure me into getting them or anything.
I imagine a time will come when I'll have to change in some way if I want to keep things going. Maybe be more proactive if we start living together, might have to cut back on being "flirty" (not really aware that I am but apparently so) but that's stuff I'd be willing to do.
But if someone was asking me to change like, major parts of my personality? I doubt I could do it, really.
I have changed in the time, sure, got a job and a haircut (big deal for me) but she didn't pressure me into getting them or anything.
I imagine a time will come when I'll have to change in some way if I want to keep things going. Maybe be more proactive if we start living together, might have to cut back on being "flirty" (not really aware that I am but apparently so) but that's stuff I'd be willing to do.
But if someone was asking me to change like, major parts of my personality? I doubt I could do it, really.
Good topic. Kudos.
I would easily change my appearance for someone. I don't really care about how I look. Put barely any thought in to it other than hygenics.
I've never been asked to change my appearance other than one of my last girlfriends who said I looked good in glasses and slim jeans. The change stuck.
I have had many girlfriends ask me to quit doing drugs. Very common request among the lady folk, as it is rare to find an intelligent and beautiful girl you'd actually be willing to date, and who does drugs. Very little crossover with those two groups.
And I complied to their request. Then when the relationship started to show signs of degradation, I would indulge my senses once more. Usually sealing the fate of "us" becoming "me".
I have since learned my lesson. I am who I am, and do what I do. I change for me, and no one else. If she can't accept that, she ain't right for me. A couple months ago I had a date with a girl to whom I told this mantra. She asked if that applied to the "girl of my dreams"; that if I met the perfect girl, would I change for her?
We did not have a second date.
I would easily change my appearance for someone. I don't really care about how I look. Put barely any thought in to it other than hygenics.
I've never been asked to change my appearance other than one of my last girlfriends who said I looked good in glasses and slim jeans. The change stuck.
I have had many girlfriends ask me to quit doing drugs. Very common request among the lady folk, as it is rare to find an intelligent and beautiful girl you'd actually be willing to date, and who does drugs. Very little crossover with those two groups.
And I complied to their request. Then when the relationship started to show signs of degradation, I would indulge my senses once more. Usually sealing the fate of "us" becoming "me".
I have since learned my lesson. I am who I am, and do what I do. I change for me, and no one else. If she can't accept that, she ain't right for me. A couple months ago I had a date with a girl to whom I told this mantra. She asked if that applied to the "girl of my dreams"; that if I met the perfect girl, would I change for her?
We did not have a second date.
