How Soon Is Too Soon?

[TimeLord]

This is a question about asking out a girl. Aha! You opened the thread and I caught you with my problem now! You're stuck now!

My story is pretty simple really, there's this girl (for sake of example let's call her Laura, it's not here real name) call Laura, I've liked her for a long time but for the past year or so she's been going out with this other guy. The guy recently broke up with her (as in last week recently) and I want to ask her out. Now I'm not stupid, I'm not going to do it right away in case she still has feeling for her ex or she says yes and I'm just a rebound guy. I am good friends with her and a number of her mates and have been asking their opinions but they don't seem to be able to give me and kind of a useful answer. Also, I've invited her to my 21st birthday party in January, which she has agreed to come to.

So my question is this, should I just wait and stay friendly with her until on or around the time of my party to make a move, or should I do something beforehand? What are your thoughts?

 

[staika]

*looks at thread title*
Oh I wonder what this is about
*reads first sentence*
Dammit I feel for TimeLord's clever trap!

OT: Well if I were you I'd wait around a month or so before asking her out that way it gives her time to get over her ex. But you don't have to take my advice since girls are still a foreign concept to me but there is my two cents. Hope it helps

 

[evenest]

This question is difficult to answer because we don't know how old she is, how involved they were, the type of woman she is, etc.

Is she aware that you have feelings for her?

Why not ask her out, as a friend, to get a cup of coffee or go to a movie, or just go for a walk. Engage her in conversation. Listen to what she says and that'll give you a strong indication of whether or not you should wait a day, a fortnight or a year. She may be the type of person who wants/needs to be in a relationship or she may need some time to clear her head.

 

[Friggnchickn]

Between now and january she might meet someone else. Maybe she wants a new bf.
I would just start making a point of trying to hangout with her more, now she doesn't have a bf she might be feeling abit bored/ lonely .

And if love blossom's then so be it.

Just might 2 cents worth.

 

[Vaar]

I'd say be more friendly, nice etc in general, hang with her for a bit more, then 2-3months after her breakup whenever that was (cbf scrolling back up) ask her out. Don't get overly romantic and sappy, just hey I like you, and i'd like to know you even more etc.

If she says yes, awesome, if she says no, don't give her another thought. Just leave it be and move right along and don't waste time and love on her.

And for the love of god don't get stuck in the friend zone

 

[IrisEver]

We'd need to know who she is and what she's like, and how she feels about the break up. January is around three months away - that could be too late, but it could also be too soon. Some people dont move on from being in love with someone for a very long time.

Just be with her and hang out with her, starting from now, and make your decision from that. See how she feels about her ex. See whether you grow closer to her. Don't push her, just be there for her and with her. If January rolls around an you think its time to make a move, do it. If you think it's time to make a move beforehand, do it. If it needs to be later - well, you get the idea. Only you can judge this.

Don't be surprised if she has a rebound fling. As long as that fling is not you, it doesnt mean your chances are ruined.

 

[Versuvius]

It's never too soon and nothing is sacred.

 

[AnarchistAbe]

If she'd been with this guy for a while, her next WILL BE a rebound. Even subconsciously, that shit happens. Wait for the next one-and-done, and then make your move.

 

[Thaluikhain]

Never take any advice from net randoms.

Also, the obvious stuff, there's no right answer, not all women are the same etc etc

 

[TitanDrone]

Too soon depends entirely on circumstances you have no way of learning without asking her. You might also consider that learning too much about why she broke up with PreviousGuy might actually cast you in the ReboundGuy role.

There are several things to consider.
The first is a piece of advice from The Hitch Hikers Guide To The Galaxy by author Douglas Adams. It has this to say on the subject of love; "avoid if at all possible."

The second is involuntarily flirtatious behaviour. If you like her, you will be unable to hide it, and if she is "over him," she will notice.

Also. If you told everyone else, how long do you expect it will take for her to find out? You might as well throw a great party, and make sure she knows you are glad SHE came. If she is a dancer, and there is dancing, make sure you dance with her.

This Motown classic might also help. The Supremes: You Can't Hurry Love - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fQ7uXX9K7Sk

 

[RADlTZ]

Id suggest seeing if she wants to ease into some kind of of no-pressure, causual dates situation with you. That way she'll be less likely to to go off on a rebound adventure (seriously why should any guy who's been interested in her long term sit tight and wait through that shit). The easy-going nature of this plan will then hopefully give her the opertunity to form some sort of idea that you and her could work on a more serious level (if not, theres always inception). Plus being light-on with her for a while should serve as a kind of cooldown period, so that when you both (hopefully) decide to make things more official, she'll have had enough time for you not to be a rebound guy.

Bassically my advice is generally, let her know that you like her, but dont put any pressure on her. Dont underestimate the fact that your friendship has already allowed her to be comfortable and somewhat open around you (I assume), thats a bennefit any new guy wont have, I'd guess that she's be more likely to treat something with a new partner like a rebound thing, and less likely to see a friend that way. Also remember the general rule of thumb with any situation like this is to be confident but not arrogant ect ect

Id make my stand and not risk the chance of some stupid rebound thing with a random. If you manage to get something going and it feels like a rebound ordeal, it might straighten out with a bit of time, as she gets past the rebound state of mind and realises that she actually has a relationship going thats better than her last one anyway. If not, better to have had your time in the sun than have to wait in her shadow while she finds other guys. If it dosnt work out due to a rebound thing, that dosnt mean you cant learn from the experience and try again later in better circumstances if you still want to be with her.

Ultimately though, you know her, and knowbody here can judge the situation as well as you, maybe someone will suggest something that you can immagine playong out well, based on what you know of her and how you both interact. Apply the knowledges!

 

[scorptatious]

I'd probably wait a little while first. Probably not too long though. Maybe try to cheer her up? I'm not sure, I've never been in a romantic relationship.

 

[Ham_authority95]

This is a question about asking out a girl. Aha! You opened the thread and I caught you with my problem now! You're stuck now!

My story is pretty simple really, there's this girl (for sake of example let's call her Laura, it's not here real name) call Laura, I've liked her for a long time but for the past year or so she's been going out with this other guy. The guy recently broke up with her (as in last week recently) and I want to ask her out. Now I'm not stupid, I'm not going to do it right away in case she still has feeling for her ex or she says yes and I'm just a rebound guy. I am good friends with her and a number of her mates and have been asking their opinions but they don't seem to be able to give me and kind of a useful answer. Also, I've invited her to my 21st birthday party in January, which she has agreed to come to.

So my question is this, should I just wait and stay friendly with her until on or around the time of my party to make a move, or should I do something beforehand? What are your thoughts?

Go for it. Once people break up, it's all fair game.

Why distance yourself when you could be the one giving her tissues?

 

[Kpt._Rob]

There are no rules that apply to everyone. You know her, so it's up to you to use your best judgment. Though I would advise not asking her out at or specifically before your birthday party. People sometimes feel like they're being guilt-tripped into saying yes if you ask them at times like that. And you probably don't want to start a relationship with resentment.

Other than that, just try to judge when it seems to you like she's ready. Be confident, and honest that you're interested, but also don't be overly emotional. I don't know why it is that so many guys think that the whole "I've been pining for you ever since I met you," schtick is gonna work, but I've yet to see it actually do. The problem is that when you put it like that, then the other person generally has to reciprocate the same level of emotional intensity (which they generally don't feel) or shut you down. It's a lot easier for someone to reciprocate the emotional intensity of "I think you're cool, and I'd like to see how we'd work out," than it is to reciprocate, "ever since the dawn of time, the molecules which would eventually form my body have known that they loved you."

 

[Redlin5_v1legacy]

In anycase Timelord, I suspect you may want to wait until mid-November. By January she may have already taken the initiative in her love life and you may be regretting waiting so long. So I say bite the bullet and take the risk. I've been turned down before, I don't know if you have but it sure as hell beats wondering if anything ever could have happened.

That's my advice anyway. Best of luck bud!

 

[Redlin5_v1legacy]

Go for it. Once people break up, it's all fair game.

Why distance yourself when you could be the one giving her tissues?

Some guys, like myself, don't like to feel sleazy by being "that guy right after". It may be completely innocent but, speaking for myself here, I never really feel comfortable with someone who has very recently terminated a relationship. Plus there is always the possibility of being dragged into some drama that hasn't been resolved yet or maybe she'll decide to return to her ex and was just using you.

Hypothetical? Crazy? Sure. I just prefer to wait anyway. Not for too long but I don't like to jump in too soon.

 

[Totenkopf]

Never take any advice from net randoms.

I'm not sure, but doesn't this statement contradict itself?

OT: I'd say, wait to the point when 4 weeks have passed since the break-up.
Honestly, I have absolutely no experience with questions like this, but this is my best guess.
I've read once that it takes 4 weeks for the brain to completely accommodate to something...
So, I think you should ask her out after this 4-weeks period.

As I said, this may be a very stupid idea, so no guarantee on that.