TLDR: Be yourself. If you have trouble doing that (you become all "friendly" and submissive and sycophantic) around the girl you like, then read on.
Man up. And by that, I mean act like a powerful male. This is an epicly long post, but take the time and I guarantee it will be worth it.
Most guys give off the wrong signs when they like a girl. They become submissive, sycophantic, unopinionated and willing to compromise themselves in a misguided attempt to show they can "provide" (read: doormat). To all the "what your saying is wrong!" people, I ask: do you want a girlfriend with these traits?
No. You don't because she wouldn't surprise, challenge or be interesting to you. Real relationships don't thrive on you staring at her lips or chest.
And this isn't a way to "play" girls. It's a little set of rules that I live by to stop me becoming "not me" around a girl I like. Do it enough, and you'll find yourself physically unphased by the most attractive girls. You know when you have reached this stage when you can give her crap for something as outrageous as not playing xbox live and have her enjoy the attention.
Most importantly, this list will take you some way towards those girls finding you attractive, and not being your best friend.
Here is the truth: you don't give the girl you like a chance to like you.
Below is a few basic pointers to maintaining your personal integrity around that girl. That's really the key - present her *you*, as a person, and let her decide whether or not she is attracted to *you*. I'm here to help you be you.
* Don't be the first to break eye contact when you first meet. (this is harder than it sounds) This shows that you feel you are powerful enough to make that intimate connection, without backing out and submitting to your nervousness.
* Pretend they are your best (male) bud, but in a mature way. Joke with her, tell her you can't go see films because you're busy, and most of all - don't act like you're incredibly attracted to her. This is the logic: the more attractive the girl, and the less attention you give her for it, the more attractive she will find you. You will be a mystery to her, and distinguish yourself in a long list of guys who just gawp. Treating her as you would any of your male friends is going to throw out the old "the guy is obsessed and intimidated" stuff she's been seeing so often.
* Give her a gentle ribbing when she screws up or says something stupid. She is a person, not perfect. Finding the balance is hard, but you'll know it when you find it. You don't want to make her cry, and so it's best to rib her on superficial topics (her: "I like twilight" - you: "you're so unique!")
* Don't act all emotional and obsessed when talking to her. Be a normal guy around her - interact with other people in her presence, and interact with them normally, and as you usually would.
* Be the first to end conversation. It shows you can live without her, and that you have more to do in your life than obsess over her.
* Make eye contact when you speak to her. It's intense and intimate. Don't act as though you're self aware of the eye contact ("check it out, I'm making love to you with my eyes"), just show that you're confident enough to look at her normally.
* Do not react to any of her visual emotional signs (moderate ones - like if she laughs because you tell her you play video games). If you can deliver an opinion or take her opinion without folding or flinching she will see this and respect it. Don't act all injured, just be cocky and self deprecating.
* This is edited for clarity, as it appears to be the most incendiary.Be cocky. This has and is going to incite many rages in the replies, so I want to clarify - by cocky, I mean that you need to be able to be confident to put yourself up for a joke and poke a bit of fun at yourself. The best form of this is sarcastic-arrogance (which is what I mean by "cocky"), as it shows that you're confident and bold enough to say things about yourself that one couldn't say had they not the confidence to do so. It's a very easy way to relax yourself. However: don't be arrogant, just be happy enough to joke about yourself. You must always team your cockiness with SELF DEPRECATING HUMOUR. Self deprecating humour does wonders - it's a nice psychological trait. It says "I'm comfortable enough with *whatever flaw I possess* that I can joke about it". For example, you trip over or goof and she sees. You reply "I usually don't perform in front of people."
Pop quiz on this point:
She laughs at you and says playing video games are nerdy, you reply:
a) "haha, I don't play them that much..."
b) "no, they're not nerdy anymore, because everybody plays them and it increases hand to eye coordination"
c) "I need something to do when I'm not matching my socks with my sandals"
If you answered C, you understand the whole self deprecating routine. It's probably the easiest way to say to a girl "I'm cool with myself, and you don't scare me".
Both A and B is an overly defensive reaction to a harmless enough question, but both are on opposite ends of the spectrum and both are a response to fear. One is the "flee" mechanism and the other is the "fight" mechanism. Guess what, both are unattractive.
* Keep it simple. Don't make girls up for her to be "jealous" of, don't lie about what you do or study and don't try to trick her.
It's deceptive, it will cripple a future relationship with her (I doubt you'd even be in that relationship though) and if she finds out, you will show her how much power she has over you.
*When you're not making her laugh by being cocky and self deprecating, the rule is: ask uncompromising questions, clip the sentences and pick up on weakness in her dialogue.
This sounds insane, but it plays out like this:
YOU: "so, what do actually like to do?"
HER: "haha, what do you mean?"
YOU: "well, when you're not listening to justin bieber, what do you like to do?"
HER: "well, I like photography..."
YOU: "Why?"... and so on.
Essentially, make her feel comfortable enough to talk about the greater components of her personality. This is actually what is known as good conversation. Engage her and give her a chance to explain who she is. Then, IF SHE ASKS YOU, talk directly and with passion about what you like to do. This is not you watching her lips move, this is you showing that you're an interesting person. And believe me, speak confidently about your passions and you can make dog showing cool.
The important thing to do here is avoid the gaping hole of "friendship". The best thing to do to avoid friendship is to just be simple. Treat her as though you have just met her on the train, and she's an 85 year old eager to tell a story. Be polite, ask leading questions, and courteous. But, like all conversations on public transport, they have to end, because you have to get off at your stop. MAKE SURE your stop is first, if you dig. As in, having had a big, deep, real conversation, don't go on to promise to be FB friends or chat on msn about it, or link her your deviantart. Show her that you can disconnect from her and move on to have a similarly deep conversation elsewhere. This will show her you are a commodity, but not one that can be tamed through friendship. You would be surprised how rarely anyone ever has a good conversation. By having this conversation, you have demonstrated that you are unique and thoughtful, and that you do not need her to be around for you to be unique and thoughtful.
*Ask her out. Make the first move. Don't be weak, and don't make it a cute joke. Just simply do the deed. The words are different in each case, but you will know when you are going out. Make sure you initiate it. It's the last hurdle.
FINALLY, you will know if you stand a chance with a girl when you meet her, talk to her, interact with her, from one simple sign. You will know that you are comfortable with yourself when this one simple sign happens. As soon as you think it in the situation, then you are NOT ready.
And this is the rule: As soon as you can look at a girl you perceive to be attractive, and not think at all about yourself, then you know you are in a place to start being successful with women. In essence, you have won as soon as you are entirely outward looking. When I talk to a girl now, thoughts about myself don't ever cross my mind and the girl can see that, and that's an unusual response to her physical appearance, because so many guys are busy checking themselves that they can't even make conversation.
NOTE: I do not "play" girls. I have merely documented the feelings and experiences I have had when courting a girl *before actually going out with her*. I am monogamous and entirely faithful to my girl.
IMPORTANT: As soon as you start actually going out with her, you can unleash (somewhat) all the cuddly warmth and fuzzy happiness and obsession that you had pent up. I say "somewhat", because she doesn't want her man to become a boy, and be all clingy and needy. Remember: it is always better for her to be mad at you for having troubles expressing how you feel for her, than her dumping you because you're being a super emotional needy parasite. No matter what you feel, a relationship is something that must be tended to, worked at, cultivated and pruned. A relationship is a whole other kettle of fish that is way too big to address here, so I'll keep it to the above for now.
Remember: Being yourself is actually hard in the face of a person who seems designed to make you shiver and prostrate yourself before them. You will make mistakes, but if you stay true to your confident self, you should see less of friendship, and more of relationship.
LASTLY:
I used to be a "best friend". Now, I'm the guy on the other side of that unhappy pasture. These are my reflections on the changes my personality went through in order to enjoy success in being attractive to the opposite sex.
ADDENDUM (courtesy of Retosa)
Essentially, the more experience you have interacting with women you find attractive, the more comfortable you will be. With the advice above, you should be able to be yourself. You should be able to let her know you love Dungeons and Dragons, and are capable of laughing at how you can kill a dragon with a pea shooter if you roll a 20 with a stupid piece of dice. Be confident of the fact that you play WoW and enjoy it, and laugh at the fact that you stand in the slime and get yelled at by your guildies as you wiped them on Putricide.
Don't be SOMEONE ELSE, but BE YOURSELF. However, be CONFIDENT that YOU are desirable, and that will MAKE you desirable.
Man up. And by that, I mean act like a powerful male. This is an epicly long post, but take the time and I guarantee it will be worth it.
Most guys give off the wrong signs when they like a girl. They become submissive, sycophantic, unopinionated and willing to compromise themselves in a misguided attempt to show they can "provide" (read: doormat). To all the "what your saying is wrong!" people, I ask: do you want a girlfriend with these traits?
No. You don't because she wouldn't surprise, challenge or be interesting to you. Real relationships don't thrive on you staring at her lips or chest.
And this isn't a way to "play" girls. It's a little set of rules that I live by to stop me becoming "not me" around a girl I like. Do it enough, and you'll find yourself physically unphased by the most attractive girls. You know when you have reached this stage when you can give her crap for something as outrageous as not playing xbox live and have her enjoy the attention.
Most importantly, this list will take you some way towards those girls finding you attractive, and not being your best friend.
Here is the truth: you don't give the girl you like a chance to like you.
Below is a few basic pointers to maintaining your personal integrity around that girl. That's really the key - present her *you*, as a person, and let her decide whether or not she is attracted to *you*. I'm here to help you be you.
* Don't be the first to break eye contact when you first meet. (this is harder than it sounds) This shows that you feel you are powerful enough to make that intimate connection, without backing out and submitting to your nervousness.
* Pretend they are your best (male) bud, but in a mature way. Joke with her, tell her you can't go see films because you're busy, and most of all - don't act like you're incredibly attracted to her. This is the logic: the more attractive the girl, and the less attention you give her for it, the more attractive she will find you. You will be a mystery to her, and distinguish yourself in a long list of guys who just gawp. Treating her as you would any of your male friends is going to throw out the old "the guy is obsessed and intimidated" stuff she's been seeing so often.
* Give her a gentle ribbing when she screws up or says something stupid. She is a person, not perfect. Finding the balance is hard, but you'll know it when you find it. You don't want to make her cry, and so it's best to rib her on superficial topics (her: "I like twilight" - you: "you're so unique!")
* Don't act all emotional and obsessed when talking to her. Be a normal guy around her - interact with other people in her presence, and interact with them normally, and as you usually would.
* Be the first to end conversation. It shows you can live without her, and that you have more to do in your life than obsess over her.
* Make eye contact when you speak to her. It's intense and intimate. Don't act as though you're self aware of the eye contact ("check it out, I'm making love to you with my eyes"), just show that you're confident enough to look at her normally.
* Do not react to any of her visual emotional signs (moderate ones - like if she laughs because you tell her you play video games). If you can deliver an opinion or take her opinion without folding or flinching she will see this and respect it. Don't act all injured, just be cocky and self deprecating.
* This is edited for clarity, as it appears to be the most incendiary.Be cocky. This has and is going to incite many rages in the replies, so I want to clarify - by cocky, I mean that you need to be able to be confident to put yourself up for a joke and poke a bit of fun at yourself. The best form of this is sarcastic-arrogance (which is what I mean by "cocky"), as it shows that you're confident and bold enough to say things about yourself that one couldn't say had they not the confidence to do so. It's a very easy way to relax yourself. However: don't be arrogant, just be happy enough to joke about yourself. You must always team your cockiness with SELF DEPRECATING HUMOUR. Self deprecating humour does wonders - it's a nice psychological trait. It says "I'm comfortable enough with *whatever flaw I possess* that I can joke about it". For example, you trip over or goof and she sees. You reply "I usually don't perform in front of people."
Pop quiz on this point:
She laughs at you and says playing video games are nerdy, you reply:
a) "haha, I don't play them that much..."
b) "no, they're not nerdy anymore, because everybody plays them and it increases hand to eye coordination"
c) "I need something to do when I'm not matching my socks with my sandals"
If you answered C, you understand the whole self deprecating routine. It's probably the easiest way to say to a girl "I'm cool with myself, and you don't scare me".
Both A and B is an overly defensive reaction to a harmless enough question, but both are on opposite ends of the spectrum and both are a response to fear. One is the "flee" mechanism and the other is the "fight" mechanism. Guess what, both are unattractive.
* Keep it simple. Don't make girls up for her to be "jealous" of, don't lie about what you do or study and don't try to trick her.
It's deceptive, it will cripple a future relationship with her (I doubt you'd even be in that relationship though) and if she finds out, you will show her how much power she has over you.
*When you're not making her laugh by being cocky and self deprecating, the rule is: ask uncompromising questions, clip the sentences and pick up on weakness in her dialogue.
This sounds insane, but it plays out like this:
YOU: "so, what do actually like to do?"
HER: "haha, what do you mean?"
YOU: "well, when you're not listening to justin bieber, what do you like to do?"
HER: "well, I like photography..."
YOU: "Why?"... and so on.
Essentially, make her feel comfortable enough to talk about the greater components of her personality. This is actually what is known as good conversation. Engage her and give her a chance to explain who she is. Then, IF SHE ASKS YOU, talk directly and with passion about what you like to do. This is not you watching her lips move, this is you showing that you're an interesting person. And believe me, speak confidently about your passions and you can make dog showing cool.
The important thing to do here is avoid the gaping hole of "friendship". The best thing to do to avoid friendship is to just be simple. Treat her as though you have just met her on the train, and she's an 85 year old eager to tell a story. Be polite, ask leading questions, and courteous. But, like all conversations on public transport, they have to end, because you have to get off at your stop. MAKE SURE your stop is first, if you dig. As in, having had a big, deep, real conversation, don't go on to promise to be FB friends or chat on msn about it, or link her your deviantart. Show her that you can disconnect from her and move on to have a similarly deep conversation elsewhere. This will show her you are a commodity, but not one that can be tamed through friendship. You would be surprised how rarely anyone ever has a good conversation. By having this conversation, you have demonstrated that you are unique and thoughtful, and that you do not need her to be around for you to be unique and thoughtful.
*Ask her out. Make the first move. Don't be weak, and don't make it a cute joke. Just simply do the deed. The words are different in each case, but you will know when you are going out. Make sure you initiate it. It's the last hurdle.
FINALLY, you will know if you stand a chance with a girl when you meet her, talk to her, interact with her, from one simple sign. You will know that you are comfortable with yourself when this one simple sign happens. As soon as you think it in the situation, then you are NOT ready.
And this is the rule: As soon as you can look at a girl you perceive to be attractive, and not think at all about yourself, then you know you are in a place to start being successful with women. In essence, you have won as soon as you are entirely outward looking. When I talk to a girl now, thoughts about myself don't ever cross my mind and the girl can see that, and that's an unusual response to her physical appearance, because so many guys are busy checking themselves that they can't even make conversation.
NOTE: I do not "play" girls. I have merely documented the feelings and experiences I have had when courting a girl *before actually going out with her*. I am monogamous and entirely faithful to my girl.
IMPORTANT: As soon as you start actually going out with her, you can unleash (somewhat) all the cuddly warmth and fuzzy happiness and obsession that you had pent up. I say "somewhat", because she doesn't want her man to become a boy, and be all clingy and needy. Remember: it is always better for her to be mad at you for having troubles expressing how you feel for her, than her dumping you because you're being a super emotional needy parasite. No matter what you feel, a relationship is something that must be tended to, worked at, cultivated and pruned. A relationship is a whole other kettle of fish that is way too big to address here, so I'll keep it to the above for now.
Remember: Being yourself is actually hard in the face of a person who seems designed to make you shiver and prostrate yourself before them. You will make mistakes, but if you stay true to your confident self, you should see less of friendship, and more of relationship.
LASTLY:
I used to be a "best friend". Now, I'm the guy on the other side of that unhappy pasture. These are my reflections on the changes my personality went through in order to enjoy success in being attractive to the opposite sex.
ADDENDUM (courtesy of Retosa)
Essentially, the more experience you have interacting with women you find attractive, the more comfortable you will be. With the advice above, you should be able to be yourself. You should be able to let her know you love Dungeons and Dragons, and are capable of laughing at how you can kill a dragon with a pea shooter if you roll a 20 with a stupid piece of dice. Be confident of the fact that you play WoW and enjoy it, and laugh at the fact that you stand in the slime and get yelled at by your guildies as you wiped them on Putricide.
Don't be SOMEONE ELSE, but BE YOURSELF. However, be CONFIDENT that YOU are desirable, and that will MAKE you desirable.
