TheIronRuler said:
I used to be a pirate, but repeated injuries caused by stray bullets as we and my Somalian brethren commandeered ships and slaughtered their crew had forced me to quit my dangerous habit of stealing plunder from merchant ships and holding tourists hostages. Then I immigrated to Israel and now I'm living a good, pirate free life as a student.
Eh, you got off easy. I was in similar situation as the OP - I told my mates to rise the Jolly Roger as we saw the other ship but then. I don't know, I just couldn't. I Threw off my eye patch and my sword, set the parrot free and said "Sorry lads, I just can't do it. Yarr." - I really couldn't go aboard that vessel and plunder it for booty.
My crew wasn't amused, though, it turned out they could, and they wanted to. The fools. I tried to persuade them not to but they didn't listen. Well, I did manage to let the other ship escape, though, I stalled them that far. And a mutiny broke out. I had three loyal men join up with me but everybody else attacked us. And since I had thrown away my sword, I had to use my wooden leg for a weapon. Do you know how uncomfortable it is to hop around on one leg in a sword fight? While you're wielding just a piece of wood?
In a hook? My answer - not very. Not at all. But I managed to hold my own for a while.
After an hour and a half of fighting (although we did a ten minute break, because we ran out of rum, so we had to haul some more from the cargo hold) John - one of those loyal to me fell, down killed by a sneaky backstab. That shifty bugger, Ronald did it. It turns out he had taken multi-classed as a rogue. Actually, that got him killed - we all turned on him. We all knew it - a rogue is just a plainer version of the ninja. And he probably planned to take levels in ninja later on.
After he died, we had a round of rum and resumed our fight. Then the second of my loyalists fell down dead - Peter. Well, nobody cared about him, and I actually hated him, not to mention that I still owed him some money. I think most people there owed him money. That damn scurvy dog had a terrible luck in cards. I think he was cheating. Now that I think about it, maybe he didn't really join me, only the rest attacked him to get out of their debts. Anyway, whatever the case, he died and he wasn't missed.
At sundown the last of the comrades that took my side died - Big Jim. He was shot with a cannon. Several times. The last one caught him in the left eye. He was a dear friend of mine and owed
me money. His last words were "I'm sorry cap'n... I wanted to... repay my debt... but... I gave my life. I guess... that should... count for something. Please... deduct it from what I owe you... goodbye... my friend... Tell Molly I loved her... and to take care of... little Mary" And just like that he perished. Well, at least I think that's what he said - he was on the other end of the ship and everybody was shouting, not to mention that he had blood running out of his mouth like a fountain. But I'm
pretty sure that's what he would have said. Even though I don't know who the hell Molly was and I am confident he didn't have any little girls named Mary. In fact, on reflection, I don't know why he'd say any of that, since Big Jim was a dog. It was the just some mutt we had picked some time ago for a laugh and the cook started feeding it leftovers, so we kept it around.
I crew die and the rest of my crew turn against me. The situation seemed hopeless, I was out manned, out matched and outweaponed. Not to mention out armed and outlegged. And the stinking bilge-rats even had more booze than me. I was doomed. Doomed to walk the plank. Or worse. A single tear rolled down my face. And then it downed on me "That's right!" I thought "I threw off my eye patch!". That gave me some hope. I downed a whole keg of rum and then just let loose - I fired my eye laser at them. I mowed the traitors down by the dozens. I stabbed them with my beard. I tore off their heads from their shoulders with my one good arm.
I stood there among corpses on a ship soaking with crimson. Literally soaking - the damn wood was even getting a red hue. I was stranded in the middle of the ocean with nobody to move my ship and no help in sight. The worst part was that the sharks smelled the blood and were coming to
eat my ship. Well, they couldn't but that doesn't mean they couldn't try. They took bites of it and water rushed in the lower decks. I didn't have a choice - it was me or them - either they sank the ship and ate me or I stopped them. I was on a tight spot. There were
a lot of sharks - makes sense, since there was so much blood. But quick thinking saved me - I rushed to my quarters and took my pet grizzly bear - Finn.
So me and Finn rode off to face the sharks. They were a slimy bunch but Finn had claws so he could hold on. But other than claws, he had several university degrees and was working on his PhD at the moment (literally - he was writing down notes as things went along). The smell of blood may have attracted the lawyers but they had no ground to stand on, well being sea and all, but also no
legal ground to stand on. Finn found several loopholes and dismissed their claims. I was just amazed - I knew Finn was smart but he was like fire in the courtroom. When we exited and we shook hands...well a paw and a hook, only then I realised we weren't at sea any more. Turns out that in addition to having a law degree, he also had a degree in physics, so he found out a loophole in space-time continuum, too. And that was what he was doing a PhD in.
He thanked me for the good time and my acceptance and took off to finish his degree. And that was the end of my pirating days.