(PLEASE, AT LEAST READ THE FIRST PART. THAT WILL GIVE YOU AN UNDERSTANDING OF WHAT THIS IS ABOUT. IF YOU WOULD ENJOY READING SOMETHING THAT AT LEAST TRIES TO BE COMPLETELY HONEST, I HOPE THIS WOULD DO. ALSO, IVE ADDED A BIT TO THE END, TO CLARIFY SOME THINGS.)
Dear Escapist,
I am not entirely sure why I am writing this post. It may simply be because I feel I need to vent some of the things Im going to say. It may also very well be because I feel a lot of Escapists might be feeling the same way. There's also the possiblity that I am mad with some of you, and for some reason feel there's a lot of bullshitting going on. No matter what follows, I know this will be a long, long OP, and as such I beg you to either read it completely or just stop right now, because I understand completely if you dont want to read the following wall of text.
I have very poor self confidence. I realize that these six words are hardly uncommon, and after being a part of this community for quite a while now, I know a lot of you are tired of this sentence. You might be tired of hearing it so often, or you might be tired of it because it describes yourself as well. Anyhow, I apologize for the repetition, but I feel I need to stress this, as it pretty obviously is a very clear aspect of myself and the thoughts Im going to put out here. Sorry again, I know I myself have trouble caring or taking it seriously whenever I read something like this on the Escapist, as it is fairly common. Also, and I am a bit ashamed to admit this, but it often just seems like escapists say this for pity, or to make people feel bad for them. I have done that before, and for that I am ashamed.
As my title suggests, I am going to be honest in this post. I am a very polite person, and a very social one too. This might seem to conflict with the fact that I have such poor self-confidence as I said, or it may not. Some of you might recognize it completely, either way. The thing is, my poor confidence does not show, or at least I do not think it does too obviously, when I simply interact with other people. The problem is in discussing things, be it emotions, philosophy (which is a bit of a problem, since I am fascinated by the subject and study it as much as I can) and especially, myself and others personas.
The following might not be considered very important, but I feel I should write it to try to become better understood, or give you some reasons for why I think like I do. I grew up in Finland, which already has a poor mentality. Most finns can agree with this. We are not very self-confident. Here, it is considered very shameful or bad to brag, or even to have faith in one self. I realize this is dangerous generalization and that all finns arent like this, but I think it is common enough for me to say it. There's a thing called Jante's Law (which originally was a joke, I might add) which you can read here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jante_Law . I thought I would add it, because it seems pretty relevant and gives a very clear view of, if not finnish mentality, then at least my mentality.
Another reason for my poor self-confidence (and the reason I feel like an idiot whenever I say that I have it) is, even if it might be a cliché, my father. My father has had and has, like most finns, a problem with alcohol. They way it affected me wasnt physical, though, as he never hit me or my brothers, but psychological. The only time he would compliment me or say nice things, was when he was drunk. For this reason, I am very uncertain and unsure about feeling true emotions. This is a problem a lot of males have, or at least Ive gotten that impression. I often think I do not know if I am happy, sad, in love, angry or what. There is a problem with self-confidence here: I keep second-guessing myself.
This second guessing of my thoughts is the primary pain that poor self-confidence brings me. In discussion, I can not be sure that I am correct. This, I do realize, can be a very good thing. I have been told to be a very good conversationalist, as I am pretty much ready to take any side in any argument. But whereas this might be a good thing to some extent, I can not help but to practice it in absurdum. I remain unsure of many issues, and find it hard to give a clear opinion. I keep thinking, and rarely reach an answer. I try not to be an absurdist, though. (here, I also felt like an idiot for writing this.)
When discussing with people who I know are very stubborn, and sometimes not really as intelligent as they think they are, (again, felt like an asshole for writing this, because who am I to say? I might be the idiot, too.) this really hurts. Now that I think of it, I can not explain why. It might be because I'd like to think I am intelligent, because I have been told so. But I can never be sure of it: In any argument, I always feel like Im wrong, or just lying my way through. Just being on the other part just to prove the other person wrong. I do not know if this is the case, or if i truly believe it. This is the nature of my uncertainty. (Here I felt like an idiot, because it seemed like I was trying to write something dramatic and deep.) No matter what, I seem to make myself lose.
This is, as some of you might have guessed, a source of anger for me. I do not only get frustrated with other people, but even more so with myself. Also, I hardly ever let out this anger, but rather keep it. I know this is not very healthy, and I am working on it, I really am. This is partly why I decided to write this here, because I see myself in a lot of escapists. It might just be me trying to relate, but Im somewhat sure that some of you understand what Im saying and at least recognize yourself just a little. I have something of a message here, aimed at the people I get frustrated with. I apologize for it, because I usually dont let out my anger like this. Also, I do realize how silly it is to apologize for it.
MESSAGE:
Do second guess yourself. Please, please do. Do not think that you are always right. Do not put labels on yourself. Calling yourself a heartless bastard will not help you. Deciding to be a cynic does not help you. Don't do that, I beg you. You're only making it worse for yourself and for others. I realize that I am not one to give advice, but I (the following is very cliché, I know, and I myself would too have trouble taking this seroiusly.) have been like you are. I have tried to be like that, but I have come to realize that it does not help anyone. Don't become like I have, either, that's just reaching another extreme. (I feel like an idiot, again, because It seems like I am being a hypocrite, and trying to make you feel bad for me. "There's no hope for me. But you can still do it." Yup, feel like an idiot.)
I can't say what I really want to say, because I cant really put it into words. I hope you understand me just a little though, and that you manage to put your own insecurities behind you and try to absorb this, or at least what there is to absorb. Everyone I have ever met who is a cynic, a pessimist or something like that, has always had self-confidence and self-esteem issues. There's no rationality in those things. (again, very uncertain. But I am trying to state a clear opinion.) Also, don't diagnoze yourself with Aspberger's disease. That is just unfair, somehow. Don't, please. A lot of people just like to blame their insecurities and difficulties being social on something. I blamed mine on something too, as you already read. But atleast I try to understand that I am the problem, and I have no one to blame but myself, If I want to make progress and feel better some day.
Saying you can't open yourself to others is simply not doing it. I say that too, but I am trying, desperately, to tell you something that is "pure" and straight from my thoughts. I hope others can try to do it, hopefully better than I am.
END OF MESSAGE.
Right now, I feel like a hypocrite for telling others that their outlook on life is wrong. I realize my own is hardly true either. For this I am sorry, but I hope you can get some understanding and gain something from this.
- - -
I have tried to be completely honest with you. Or at least in the sense that I am not trying to hide my insecurities.
I suppose I have a problem with making a distinction between feeling and knowing something. I realize I am using these terms my own way, so there's no need to point that out. Im just trying to make myself understood.
For an example: I KNOW that I am able to learn pretty much anything. (you guessed it, feel like a pretentious prick) I am a very quick learner, and I play a huge number of instruments. It comes to me naturally, is the only way I can explain it. I KNOW I am a skilled painter. I KNOW I am well educated, and somewhat intelligent. I KNOW I can do a lot of things. Any job, and I will do it. (Pretentious, pretentious, pretentious.) I even KNOW I am loved by friends and family. I have no enemies.
However, I FEEL like I know nothing. I FEEL like a phony. I FEEL that I am lying. I FEEL I am useless. I FEEL everything I write is horrible and shallow. I FEEL like I am universally despised. That's the problem, and it's hardly original. Most of you can probably relate to this, at least to some extent.
I dont know what to write anymore. All of this came to me immediately, and that might be a sign that it something I think about far to often. I should add that I am Cyclothymic, or at least that's how it feels. I was diagnozed with OCD, but the way it shows is identical to cyclothymia. It should, as such, be pretty obvious that I am writing this in a depressive period, but during manic periods, I do know these things. I just dont think about them as much.
Did you make it this far?
Thank you, for reading this. I can not express my gratitude enough. I hope there is something to discuss here, be it your own insecurities or mentality. I also hope that other people can be completely honest here. Not honest as in "I masturbate daily", but really open themselves up, as I mentioned earlier.
I'll add that I, right now, still feel like a pretentious idiot for saying that I am trying to open myself up. There is not much I can do about it right now, so I try to ignore it. If you feel that I am in fact being a pretentious idiot, trying desperately to be deep, I can not blame you.
Thank you, escapist, for this.
You are sweet, wonderful people. Words seem so futile. (Charlie Chaplin)
sincerely,
Martin.
EDIT: I realized that I wanted to add that I dont mean all this to be incredibly interesting or special, somehow. A lot of people experience this, and large parts of it is just me describing poor self-esteem. I just, as I said, felt a need to vent it. If you do have some kind of response, though, Im very grateful.
EDIT 2: THIS POST IN RETROSPECT:
I realize, by reading your posts, that I made it sound like I dont try to be happy. Completely my mistake, and also completely false.
I love life. I enjoy life. I love others. I KNOW these things, and I FEEL them as much as I can. A lot of the time, I am happy, and I am laughing and smiling. I think I am somewhat funny myself, even. (which of course does not conflict with my OP at all..)
So thanks for those of you saying I should smile more, because that is great advice. No matter how happy you are, you should always smile more.
Also, some people seemed to get the impression that I try to be perfect: I see how you could have gotten that impression, I can only blame myself for that. I dont try to be happy. I do try to learn as much as I can, because I enjoy it, and I do try to be as good as I can at what I try. I enjoy that. But I dont get depressed by performing poorly, rather I consider myself bad at everything when I am depressed. This is just naturalt, everyone can agree to that.
Some of this might seem strange, seeing as how I described myself in the original OP, but all humans have different sides, right? Im not special, Im no exception!
I do live with a healthy code in mind. I adapt, laugh, make people laugh and try to make people feel better, and help them when I can. I do live by this, as much as I can, but as I said, my cyclothymia makes it difficult sometimes. I try, however, always!
I'll probably add more to the retrospect, if someone mentions something I forgot, but I just want to thank everyone who posted and gave me advice. Thank you all, sincerely. Im doing my best to thank you all personally. If there's anything you want to talk about or anything, please PM me. Thank you, again.
"Thank you so much. Words seem so futile, so feeble. You're wonderful, sweet people. Thank you." -Chaplin, albeit modified.
Dear Escapist,
I am not entirely sure why I am writing this post. It may simply be because I feel I need to vent some of the things Im going to say. It may also very well be because I feel a lot of Escapists might be feeling the same way. There's also the possiblity that I am mad with some of you, and for some reason feel there's a lot of bullshitting going on. No matter what follows, I know this will be a long, long OP, and as such I beg you to either read it completely or just stop right now, because I understand completely if you dont want to read the following wall of text.
I have very poor self confidence. I realize that these six words are hardly uncommon, and after being a part of this community for quite a while now, I know a lot of you are tired of this sentence. You might be tired of hearing it so often, or you might be tired of it because it describes yourself as well. Anyhow, I apologize for the repetition, but I feel I need to stress this, as it pretty obviously is a very clear aspect of myself and the thoughts Im going to put out here. Sorry again, I know I myself have trouble caring or taking it seriously whenever I read something like this on the Escapist, as it is fairly common. Also, and I am a bit ashamed to admit this, but it often just seems like escapists say this for pity, or to make people feel bad for them. I have done that before, and for that I am ashamed.
As my title suggests, I am going to be honest in this post. I am a very polite person, and a very social one too. This might seem to conflict with the fact that I have such poor self-confidence as I said, or it may not. Some of you might recognize it completely, either way. The thing is, my poor confidence does not show, or at least I do not think it does too obviously, when I simply interact with other people. The problem is in discussing things, be it emotions, philosophy (which is a bit of a problem, since I am fascinated by the subject and study it as much as I can) and especially, myself and others personas.
The following might not be considered very important, but I feel I should write it to try to become better understood, or give you some reasons for why I think like I do. I grew up in Finland, which already has a poor mentality. Most finns can agree with this. We are not very self-confident. Here, it is considered very shameful or bad to brag, or even to have faith in one self. I realize this is dangerous generalization and that all finns arent like this, but I think it is common enough for me to say it. There's a thing called Jante's Law (which originally was a joke, I might add) which you can read here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jante_Law . I thought I would add it, because it seems pretty relevant and gives a very clear view of, if not finnish mentality, then at least my mentality.
Another reason for my poor self-confidence (and the reason I feel like an idiot whenever I say that I have it) is, even if it might be a cliché, my father. My father has had and has, like most finns, a problem with alcohol. They way it affected me wasnt physical, though, as he never hit me or my brothers, but psychological. The only time he would compliment me or say nice things, was when he was drunk. For this reason, I am very uncertain and unsure about feeling true emotions. This is a problem a lot of males have, or at least Ive gotten that impression. I often think I do not know if I am happy, sad, in love, angry or what. There is a problem with self-confidence here: I keep second-guessing myself.
This second guessing of my thoughts is the primary pain that poor self-confidence brings me. In discussion, I can not be sure that I am correct. This, I do realize, can be a very good thing. I have been told to be a very good conversationalist, as I am pretty much ready to take any side in any argument. But whereas this might be a good thing to some extent, I can not help but to practice it in absurdum. I remain unsure of many issues, and find it hard to give a clear opinion. I keep thinking, and rarely reach an answer. I try not to be an absurdist, though. (here, I also felt like an idiot for writing this.)
When discussing with people who I know are very stubborn, and sometimes not really as intelligent as they think they are, (again, felt like an asshole for writing this, because who am I to say? I might be the idiot, too.) this really hurts. Now that I think of it, I can not explain why. It might be because I'd like to think I am intelligent, because I have been told so. But I can never be sure of it: In any argument, I always feel like Im wrong, or just lying my way through. Just being on the other part just to prove the other person wrong. I do not know if this is the case, or if i truly believe it. This is the nature of my uncertainty. (Here I felt like an idiot, because it seemed like I was trying to write something dramatic and deep.) No matter what, I seem to make myself lose.
This is, as some of you might have guessed, a source of anger for me. I do not only get frustrated with other people, but even more so with myself. Also, I hardly ever let out this anger, but rather keep it. I know this is not very healthy, and I am working on it, I really am. This is partly why I decided to write this here, because I see myself in a lot of escapists. It might just be me trying to relate, but Im somewhat sure that some of you understand what Im saying and at least recognize yourself just a little. I have something of a message here, aimed at the people I get frustrated with. I apologize for it, because I usually dont let out my anger like this. Also, I do realize how silly it is to apologize for it.
MESSAGE:
Do second guess yourself. Please, please do. Do not think that you are always right. Do not put labels on yourself. Calling yourself a heartless bastard will not help you. Deciding to be a cynic does not help you. Don't do that, I beg you. You're only making it worse for yourself and for others. I realize that I am not one to give advice, but I (the following is very cliché, I know, and I myself would too have trouble taking this seroiusly.) have been like you are. I have tried to be like that, but I have come to realize that it does not help anyone. Don't become like I have, either, that's just reaching another extreme. (I feel like an idiot, again, because It seems like I am being a hypocrite, and trying to make you feel bad for me. "There's no hope for me. But you can still do it." Yup, feel like an idiot.)
I can't say what I really want to say, because I cant really put it into words. I hope you understand me just a little though, and that you manage to put your own insecurities behind you and try to absorb this, or at least what there is to absorb. Everyone I have ever met who is a cynic, a pessimist or something like that, has always had self-confidence and self-esteem issues. There's no rationality in those things. (again, very uncertain. But I am trying to state a clear opinion.) Also, don't diagnoze yourself with Aspberger's disease. That is just unfair, somehow. Don't, please. A lot of people just like to blame their insecurities and difficulties being social on something. I blamed mine on something too, as you already read. But atleast I try to understand that I am the problem, and I have no one to blame but myself, If I want to make progress and feel better some day.
Saying you can't open yourself to others is simply not doing it. I say that too, but I am trying, desperately, to tell you something that is "pure" and straight from my thoughts. I hope others can try to do it, hopefully better than I am.
END OF MESSAGE.
Right now, I feel like a hypocrite for telling others that their outlook on life is wrong. I realize my own is hardly true either. For this I am sorry, but I hope you can get some understanding and gain something from this.
- - -
I have tried to be completely honest with you. Or at least in the sense that I am not trying to hide my insecurities.
I suppose I have a problem with making a distinction between feeling and knowing something. I realize I am using these terms my own way, so there's no need to point that out. Im just trying to make myself understood.
For an example: I KNOW that I am able to learn pretty much anything. (you guessed it, feel like a pretentious prick) I am a very quick learner, and I play a huge number of instruments. It comes to me naturally, is the only way I can explain it. I KNOW I am a skilled painter. I KNOW I am well educated, and somewhat intelligent. I KNOW I can do a lot of things. Any job, and I will do it. (Pretentious, pretentious, pretentious.) I even KNOW I am loved by friends and family. I have no enemies.
However, I FEEL like I know nothing. I FEEL like a phony. I FEEL that I am lying. I FEEL I am useless. I FEEL everything I write is horrible and shallow. I FEEL like I am universally despised. That's the problem, and it's hardly original. Most of you can probably relate to this, at least to some extent.
I dont know what to write anymore. All of this came to me immediately, and that might be a sign that it something I think about far to often. I should add that I am Cyclothymic, or at least that's how it feels. I was diagnozed with OCD, but the way it shows is identical to cyclothymia. It should, as such, be pretty obvious that I am writing this in a depressive period, but during manic periods, I do know these things. I just dont think about them as much.
Did you make it this far?
Thank you, for reading this. I can not express my gratitude enough. I hope there is something to discuss here, be it your own insecurities or mentality. I also hope that other people can be completely honest here. Not honest as in "I masturbate daily", but really open themselves up, as I mentioned earlier.
I'll add that I, right now, still feel like a pretentious idiot for saying that I am trying to open myself up. There is not much I can do about it right now, so I try to ignore it. If you feel that I am in fact being a pretentious idiot, trying desperately to be deep, I can not blame you.
Thank you, escapist, for this.
You are sweet, wonderful people. Words seem so futile. (Charlie Chaplin)
sincerely,
Martin.
EDIT: I realized that I wanted to add that I dont mean all this to be incredibly interesting or special, somehow. A lot of people experience this, and large parts of it is just me describing poor self-esteem. I just, as I said, felt a need to vent it. If you do have some kind of response, though, Im very grateful.
EDIT 2: THIS POST IN RETROSPECT:
I realize, by reading your posts, that I made it sound like I dont try to be happy. Completely my mistake, and also completely false.
I love life. I enjoy life. I love others. I KNOW these things, and I FEEL them as much as I can. A lot of the time, I am happy, and I am laughing and smiling. I think I am somewhat funny myself, even. (which of course does not conflict with my OP at all..)
So thanks for those of you saying I should smile more, because that is great advice. No matter how happy you are, you should always smile more.
Also, some people seemed to get the impression that I try to be perfect: I see how you could have gotten that impression, I can only blame myself for that. I dont try to be happy. I do try to learn as much as I can, because I enjoy it, and I do try to be as good as I can at what I try. I enjoy that. But I dont get depressed by performing poorly, rather I consider myself bad at everything when I am depressed. This is just naturalt, everyone can agree to that.
Some of this might seem strange, seeing as how I described myself in the original OP, but all humans have different sides, right? Im not special, Im no exception!
I do live with a healthy code in mind. I adapt, laugh, make people laugh and try to make people feel better, and help them when I can. I do live by this, as much as I can, but as I said, my cyclothymia makes it difficult sometimes. I try, however, always!
I'll probably add more to the retrospect, if someone mentions something I forgot, but I just want to thank everyone who posted and gave me advice. Thank you all, sincerely. Im doing my best to thank you all personally. If there's anything you want to talk about or anything, please PM me. Thank you, again.
"Thank you so much. Words seem so futile, so feeble. You're wonderful, sweet people. Thank you." -Chaplin, albeit modified.
