I've only been a gamer for something along the line of two years, but I can still see why people always seem surprised when I tell them that I've never played a Zelda game before today. I don't think there's a single mainstream website which can shut the fuck up about how endlessly perfect Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time is. Yet today was the first time I attempted a game from this series which is apparently the ultimate video game franchise, and I decided to record my first impressions.
The beginning
15 minutes in
30 minutes in
The beginning
Upon starting my account, I was told that I have to come up with a name, which I figured was a name for my account which I have to come up with for every Wii game, so I simply named it "Pat" as I always do. As soon as I hit the "Enter" button another text screen popped up, and this time I was asked to name my horse. It was at this point that I realized that the previous box had been asking me what I wanted to name my CHARACTER, not my save account. Well, that was a missed opportunity.
Oh well. Being the beacon of maturity that I am, I gave my horse a traditional name, "Ballsack".
Oh well. Being the beacon of maturity that I am, I gave my horse a traditional name, "Ballsack".
15 minutes in
The game begins with "Pat" sitting by the river with some other guy. That other guy tells Pat that at this time of day, they can feel the emotions of dead people far more efficiently than normal. I assumed that the part where they smoke two bags each is simply implied.
After a bit more exposition, Pat goes to sleep in his sky cottage, and then is awoken by a poor man who appears to have the worst type of down syndrome. This man asks Pat to herd his goats, for no apparent reason other than possibly these two characters have an established history which is lost for those who started on this game.
Down Syndrome man tells Pat to go find Ballsack and meet him in his ranch, although he doesn't bother explaining where Ballsack is, or where his ranch is. This point is the first time where the game actually lets you play it, and it quickly becomes apparent that Nintendo have resigned themselves to the "Figure it out on your fucking own" style of teaching gameplay mechanics.
After wandering around a bit I find Ballsack in a shallow pool with a creepy looking elf who looks oddly similar to my 7th grade English teacher, who told me that she was kind enough to wash Ballsack for me. She also asks me to use some grass to play the horse a fucking song. Okay then.
Actually, not okay then, because she doesn't really bother telling me how the hell I'm supposed to do that. After wandering around for a bit, pressing random buttons, and finding myself really grateful for actually owning a horse which had the brains to stay the fuck still when I wasn't riding it, rather than wander its ass in front of a locomotive (Thank you, Red Dead Redemption) I gave up and rode off to find the ranch, leaving the dumb ***** behind. I like to think that she's still standing there now, still expecting me to play her a song.
After talking to a couple of random townsfolk, none of which seemed to have a clue what THEY were talking about, I finally stumbled onto my objective. After running around in circles for a little bit, the goats were safe and the magical redneck elf who had set me with this task used his magical powers to raise fences from the ground so that the game could teach me how to jump fences. BAH ha ha, you thought I was serious. Actually, it forced me to run around in circles for a bit before I returned to the magical redneck, who gave me what was basically the first thing that I'd seen in the game which actually almost passed as an actual tutorial and told me that I have to make my horse sprint towards the fence, in a very specific and timed way, to make him jump it. Lovely.
It was at this point that I realized how stupid of an idea it was to make the A button on the Wii Remote be the "Talk to townsfolk" button, the "Sprint" button, and the "Get off your horse" button - All in one. Often, I'd attempt to talk to someone while on horseback and find myself in the next county, and often I'd attempt to sprint to the next county and find myself getting off my horse.
After a bit more exposition, Pat goes to sleep in his sky cottage, and then is awoken by a poor man who appears to have the worst type of down syndrome. This man asks Pat to herd his goats, for no apparent reason other than possibly these two characters have an established history which is lost for those who started on this game.
Down Syndrome man tells Pat to go find Ballsack and meet him in his ranch, although he doesn't bother explaining where Ballsack is, or where his ranch is. This point is the first time where the game actually lets you play it, and it quickly becomes apparent that Nintendo have resigned themselves to the "Figure it out on your fucking own" style of teaching gameplay mechanics.
After wandering around a bit I find Ballsack in a shallow pool with a creepy looking elf who looks oddly similar to my 7th grade English teacher, who told me that she was kind enough to wash Ballsack for me. She also asks me to use some grass to play the horse a fucking song. Okay then.
Actually, not okay then, because she doesn't really bother telling me how the hell I'm supposed to do that. After wandering around for a bit, pressing random buttons, and finding myself really grateful for actually owning a horse which had the brains to stay the fuck still when I wasn't riding it, rather than wander its ass in front of a locomotive (Thank you, Red Dead Redemption) I gave up and rode off to find the ranch, leaving the dumb ***** behind. I like to think that she's still standing there now, still expecting me to play her a song.
After talking to a couple of random townsfolk, none of which seemed to have a clue what THEY were talking about, I finally stumbled onto my objective. After running around in circles for a little bit, the goats were safe and the magical redneck elf who had set me with this task used his magical powers to raise fences from the ground so that the game could teach me how to jump fences. BAH ha ha, you thought I was serious. Actually, it forced me to run around in circles for a bit before I returned to the magical redneck, who gave me what was basically the first thing that I'd seen in the game which actually almost passed as an actual tutorial and told me that I have to make my horse sprint towards the fence, in a very specific and timed way, to make him jump it. Lovely.
It was at this point that I realized how stupid of an idea it was to make the A button on the Wii Remote be the "Talk to townsfolk" button, the "Sprint" button, and the "Get off your horse" button - All in one. Often, I'd attempt to talk to someone while on horseback and find myself in the next county, and often I'd attempt to sprint to the next county and find myself getting off my horse.
30 minutes in
Pat finds himself in his cottage, with some assholes in his front yard yelling at him to wake up. I direct Pat over to his ladder (Because stairs are for pussies) and direct him to climb down the ladder, whereupon Pat begins walking into the wall on the right. I back up and direct Pat to climb down the ladder again, whereupon he begins walking into the wall on the right. Finally I walk directly into the Ladder's centimeter-wide range of recognition and begin hanging from the ledge. I push the analog stick "Down", indicating that I want Pat to go "Down" the ladder, whereupon he climbs up the ladder and is back where he started. Holy fuck.
I finally navigate this ladder (And three more). I then realize that since Pat is clearly far too stupid to realize the layout of his own house, he is now in the basement and must climb back out to get out the door.
I finally make it outside. I talk to a group of small children who talk about how somebody has created a bow-and-arrow, and how much they want it. I then turn my direction to Ballsack, who is standing by the house, alongside some other twat who tells me that Ballsack is tired, and that I should avoid riding her today. Well, I've had a certain sympathy for horses ever since that FUCKING MOVIE NEVERENDING STORY ruined my childhood happiness, so I leave Ballsack to be annoyed by small children, which is apparently preferable to a brisk walk.
I assume that I am in some way expected to find out where in the hell I'm supposed to get a bow and arrow. I do what I did yesterday - Walk up to random townsfolk and strike up a conversation. Some clearly mental woman tells me that she left her fucking child in a cradle in the water, and that now it's drifted away. Well, what in the fuck did you expect? She nonchalantly says something along the lines of "If only there was something to be done, he can't have drifted far" and I recognize that the game is slyly setting me up with a quest, and my first thought is, "Alright, maybe I'm actually getting somewhere!"
I examine the water, and figure out which direction it's drifting, then begin swimming in that direction, wondering why in the hell someone else couldn't do this. Lo and behold, I find that the stream ends on a small river with some retarded imp-looking thing jumping up and down holding a cradle without a baby in it.
My first thought is that the fucking thing must have eaten the baby. But then it occurs to me that the stupid mother who let this cradle go never actually said there was a baby in it, which only makes things more confusing - Why the fuck would she put the cradle in the river without there being a baby in it? A little while back I figured that she had simply been watching too much "The Prince of Egypt", but now any sort of logical explanation for being so fucking retarded had tap-danced its jolly way out the door.
And of course, the game didn't let Pat climb the god damn rock so that I could punch that smug bastard in the face, and it occurred to me that this was probably a quest which couldn't be completed unless I found out how in the hell I get that stupid bow and arrow, so I began my lonely swim back.
I talked to a couple of other random people, and every last one of them referenced some sort of item that I assumed I would be able to use later in the game, but none of them really had a whole lot to say in terms of being helpful. One woman asked Pat if he was being made fun of, and that he had full permission to scold the bullies - Clearly she didn't notice that Pat is a fucking mute.
Finally, I found some random blocks which seemed to be within climbing distance of Pat. Of course, the game had yet to tell me what button means "Jump", but since every game I've ever played on the Wii assigned the jump command to the A button (And that appeared to be the button which controlled the entire universe) I pressed the A button. Pat smoothly pulled himself onto the first block, and thinking I was finally getting somewhere, I pressed A intending to climb the second block, whereupon Pat faceplanted against it for really no reason at all.
This was about the point where I stopped playing. I suppose die-hard fans will tell me "It gets better", but Jesus, in a day and age filled with games that I can pick up and play and enjoy from the very beginning, why should I play something that begins so badly? I'll play it more, but Zelda really is bad when it comes to first impressions.
I finally navigate this ladder (And three more). I then realize that since Pat is clearly far too stupid to realize the layout of his own house, he is now in the basement and must climb back out to get out the door.
I finally make it outside. I talk to a group of small children who talk about how somebody has created a bow-and-arrow, and how much they want it. I then turn my direction to Ballsack, who is standing by the house, alongside some other twat who tells me that Ballsack is tired, and that I should avoid riding her today. Well, I've had a certain sympathy for horses ever since that FUCKING MOVIE NEVERENDING STORY ruined my childhood happiness, so I leave Ballsack to be annoyed by small children, which is apparently preferable to a brisk walk.
I assume that I am in some way expected to find out where in the hell I'm supposed to get a bow and arrow. I do what I did yesterday - Walk up to random townsfolk and strike up a conversation. Some clearly mental woman tells me that she left her fucking child in a cradle in the water, and that now it's drifted away. Well, what in the fuck did you expect? She nonchalantly says something along the lines of "If only there was something to be done, he can't have drifted far" and I recognize that the game is slyly setting me up with a quest, and my first thought is, "Alright, maybe I'm actually getting somewhere!"
I examine the water, and figure out which direction it's drifting, then begin swimming in that direction, wondering why in the hell someone else couldn't do this. Lo and behold, I find that the stream ends on a small river with some retarded imp-looking thing jumping up and down holding a cradle without a baby in it.
My first thought is that the fucking thing must have eaten the baby. But then it occurs to me that the stupid mother who let this cradle go never actually said there was a baby in it, which only makes things more confusing - Why the fuck would she put the cradle in the river without there being a baby in it? A little while back I figured that she had simply been watching too much "The Prince of Egypt", but now any sort of logical explanation for being so fucking retarded had tap-danced its jolly way out the door.
And of course, the game didn't let Pat climb the god damn rock so that I could punch that smug bastard in the face, and it occurred to me that this was probably a quest which couldn't be completed unless I found out how in the hell I get that stupid bow and arrow, so I began my lonely swim back.
I talked to a couple of other random people, and every last one of them referenced some sort of item that I assumed I would be able to use later in the game, but none of them really had a whole lot to say in terms of being helpful. One woman asked Pat if he was being made fun of, and that he had full permission to scold the bullies - Clearly she didn't notice that Pat is a fucking mute.
Finally, I found some random blocks which seemed to be within climbing distance of Pat. Of course, the game had yet to tell me what button means "Jump", but since every game I've ever played on the Wii assigned the jump command to the A button (And that appeared to be the button which controlled the entire universe) I pressed the A button. Pat smoothly pulled himself onto the first block, and thinking I was finally getting somewhere, I pressed A intending to climb the second block, whereupon Pat faceplanted against it for really no reason at all.
This was about the point where I stopped playing. I suppose die-hard fans will tell me "It gets better", but Jesus, in a day and age filled with games that I can pick up and play and enjoy from the very beginning, why should I play something that begins so badly? I'll play it more, but Zelda really is bad when it comes to first impressions.
