I think I'm about to be dumped.

[kypsilon]

There comes a time in relationships where after a certain point you get really comfortable with each other. This is not necessarily a bad thing, if you're comfortable you aren't likely to move on to anything else, but the problem lies in that same sense of comfortable. A comfortable person has no need to work at anything, other than just to maintain that level of comfort be it in a relationship or a job, etc. I think, purely my own opinion from what I'm reading, is that your girlfriend is feeling that sense of comfort as stagnation. She might be feeling that you're not trying anymore in some way or that your relationship isn't going anywhere because you're both comfortable with it.

YOU CAN FIX THIS.

Don't give up on her man, if you want her, seduce her again, take her back to square one and be the guy she felt excited to be with in the beginning. Date her like it's the first time like you don't have all that history; shake up your lives a bit. Draw her attention back to you, do whatever it takes to be the guy she fell in love with. Passion passion passion!

Save your relationship, do not go quietly into the night and for all that is holy do not let her go off into the night without you!

But if it doesn't work out and she does leave...you will KNOW that you tried everything you could.

Good luck brother.

 

[chozo_hybrid]

I know this isn't always true, but it seems to be more common with ages gaps like that with people. At least with a few people I know real well, who can't help but always find guys/gals roughly 5-7 years above them, I'm 25 so they're about the same as me. It can be a level of maturity thing, you're close a full blown adult, she's still a young adult so it may be some growing pains in that regard.

All I can say is, lay your cards on the table as direct as possible, tell her how you feel and how you would like things to go, see if she has a similar view, if not then go your separate ways.

Matters of the heart are never easy to solve, I truly wish you all the best.

 

[BloatedGuppy]

TLR Has anyone, especially guys, had this sense of 'about to break up' doom too? And is there any way to prepare for it or make it easier?

Yes, I have.

No, there really isn't. You will continue to tell yourself there's a chance right up until there isn't.

Odds are 95/5 a break-up is imminent. The language she is using sounds very deliberate, and I rather suspect she has already decided to leave and is laying the groundwork for the eventual breakup. You can certainly attempt the grand gesture if you wish, but it seldom ever works, and it has the unfortunate possibility of making her feel guilty enough to hang around a while longer when she really doesn't want to.

As others have suggested you can "lay your cards on the table" if you want to get the speculation over with, but be aware the most likely result of that conversation is a confirmation of your fears.

If you do get broken up with, my advice is to be the bigger man. Attempt to curb any dramatics or resentment. Whatever small possibility there is of reconciliation after a break-up will be quickly destroyed by either. If she wants to stay friends, keep an open mind. I've stayed friends with many of my exes, and one in particular is like a sister to me. It's not necessarily something you can manage with grace while you're still hurting, but don't burn your bridges.

And...you know. I'm sorry that this is happening. I know that feel, bro. We have all been there at one time or another. You'll be okay.

 

[The Almighty Aardvark]

There comes a time in relationships where after a certain point you get really comfortable with each other. This is not necessarily a bad thing, if you're comfortable you aren't likely to move on to anything else, but the problem lies in that same sense of comfortable. A comfortable person has no need to work at anything, other than just to maintain that level of comfort be it in a relationship or a job, etc. I think, purely my own opinion from what I'm reading, is that your girlfriend is feeling that sense of comfort as stagnation. She might be feeling that you're not trying anymore in some way or that your relationship isn't going anywhere because you're both comfortable with it.

YOU CAN FIX THIS.

Don't give up on her man, if you want her, seduce her again, take her back to square one and be the guy she felt excited to be with in the beginning. Date her like it's the first time like you don't have all that history; shake up your lives a bit. Draw her attention back to you, do whatever it takes to be the guy she fell in love with. Passion passion passion!

Save your relationship, do not go quietly into the night and for all that is holy do not let her go off into the night without you!

But if it doesn't work out and she does leave...you will KNOW that you tried everything you could.

Good luck brother.

This thread is going to be chock full of conflicting advice.

I would strongly suggest not doing what Kypsilion said. Don't try to force yourself to become the guy she wants to keep the relationship going. That is not something you can (or want to) keep up for you entire life, and at best it will just push this back until you can't handle being that person anymore. You're in a long term relationship, what you're looking for is someone who likes you for yourself, and who you like for themselves. If she feels like the relationship isn't going to continue to work for her, no amount of courtship is going to change that. And as much as I hate to say it, this sounds very much like that might be the case. I've been in her position before, and most of what she said is exactly what I would have said.

It is going to suck, but you need to pull yourself through it. Surround yourself with friends and try to keep moving on with your life. Be strong, and know that this is probably going to be very hard for her too. I have to echo a bunch the people who're saying don't beg or threaten to hurt yourself. If you do either of those and they work you'll be stuck in a relationship based on guilt.

As little as internet sympathy matters, I'm sorry that this is happening to you. Whatever may come of it, there's nothing you can do right now, keep that in mind and just try to relax as much as you can

 

[Images]

Been there man. The drifting away thing is kind of their way to let you down gently. Doesn't work, usually makes you panic and act even more irrational and needy because you feel you need to prove it wrong. Any grand gestures look lame. I think if I had any advice to my past self it would actually to be to ignore the romantic side and target her sex drive.

I know. It sounds retarded as a badger on roller skates (I even think I sound stupid) but seriously, hear me out.

If you know what her dirtiest filthiest fantasy, do it. And I mean WHATEVER it is.

Sounds nuts but it may just be she misses the intense carnality of first meeting. Romance stuff is good for reminding a person why they love you. Dynamic, intense, exciting sex reminds them why they WANT you.

Worth a shot...

 

[Vidiot]

snip

Breaking up always sucks, but just hang in there. Remember that you are still a complete and healthy person even on your own. Long term relationships get so tangled in breakups because you've been with this one person with whom you've shared everything for a long time, and it's tough sometimes to separate who you are at your core from the person you've become with her.

The healing process takes time, often several months, before you can even think of talking to that person again without picking the emotional scab. I know it's tough, but it's for the good of both of you. (also, don't get stuck in a rebound)

If you can manage it, be rational, calm, and understanding. Remember, she's been with you and only you since she was 18 or so, and she might need some time to get her own bearings on herself, her direction in life, and to figure out who she is.
Teenage years are when we figure out our identity and that sort of stuff mentioned above, so if you've spend your entire adult life planning around one person it's easy to lose track of who you are.

Try not to blame her, try not to grovel and beg, and most importantly, don't blame yourself. It doesn't sound like there's anything you can do to change her mind, and if there were, it might not be fair to her.

Your life isn't ending, you're just starting a new chapter. It's still your story.

 

[Mr F.]

*SNIP*

TLR Has anyone, especially guys, had this sense of 'about to break up' doom too? And is there any way to prepare for it or make it easier?

On Saturday my girlfriend called me cause she missed me due to not having seen me since Thursday. Yesterday, around 9pm, she broke it off without stating a reason. There was a brief moment of impending doom, I just had the feeling things were fucked as we sat watching a film.

How do you make it easier?

You don't. You can't. It is hard, it will always be hard. Just grab some friends after the event, go for a few beers and chill out.

Reminds me of one of my favourite quotes.

?Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.?

― Neil Gaiman, The Sandman, Vol. 9: The Kindly Ones

 

[Tuxedoman]

Huh... This exact scenario happened to me last night. Worded a little differently, but yeah. Heh... She ended up rescuing a kitten about a month ago, however she can't take it with her to her new place, so I'm stuck with it. Its not that I don't like the little pest, it's more I was the one saying "Probably should wait for us to be sure we're not going anywhere first" etc etc.
Ah well.
This thread is proving quite useful for me too, and probably for other lurking people who are in the dying flails of a relationship.

My two cents is don't do anything aggressive, passive aggressive, or generally angry. It may make you feel better for a day or two, but after that you're going to feel even worse. Go and hang with your friends, play some games, watch some Family Guy or something else nonsensical and try not to think about it. In a while, you'll wake up and be all like "Huh. I don't miss her anymore."

But yeah. It sucks bro.

 

[TJC]

After nearly four years of what I thought was a loving, caring and genuinely happy relationship, my girlfriend said 3 days ago that she loves me, but she doesn't know if she's in love with me.

Wow.

She tells me, somewhat out of the blue, that lately she's been feeling like she's drifing away from me, that our relationship seems based on convenience, and that it isn't going anywhere.

The thing is though, that as far as relationships go, we've had it pretty good: we see each other often, get on well with each others' families, we're openly affectionate with each other (in public, after nearly 4 years!!), have sex frequently, and hardly ever fight. And when we do fight, we listen to and respect each other's point of view.

She tells me she's had phases of doubt in the past that have dissapated, but this one is more solid.

A few weeks ago she was chatting casually to her boss about us, when he abruptly told her it wouldn't last. She's also been catching up with a friend of hers more recently, and he's just come out of a long, stable relationship. I'm worried that she's hearing so many tales of woe about other's relationships that she thinks the same must apply to us, and I'm scared. I'm really, really scared.

I asked her if I had (or hadn't) done anything to make her feel this way and she said no. I told her to think about it, and now I'm going over to her place tomorrow, and I just can't shake this feeling of impending doom.

TLR Has anyone, especially guys, had this sense of 'about to break up' doom too? And is there any way to prepare for it or make it easier?

To make it easier:
Approach her upfront and talk to her:
"[ Insert "this is how I feel about you ]",
"[ This is how I view our relationship ] ",
"[This is what I think about a future with you ]"
"Do you want to break up?"

No excuses, no BS, just be direct and for fuck's sake, be honest.

I find this to be much easier than waiting for her to make up her mind.

Aaaaand we have a winner. Do this, keep calm and don't start blaming her. Seriously, don't. My friend was in the same situation as you but his gf didn't have the decency to tell him her doubts about the relationship. She immediately fucked his co-worker at uni and came out with it AFTER he found about it... TWICE (he took her back because he's a sucker like that :/). People change. Feelings change. If she has the decency to give you a heads up, give her the decency of accepting her choice whatever it may be. Even if it hurts. Especially because it hurts. It's not easier on her even if it seems like it right now.

Also, post break up regimen: Pick up something that busies the brain from contemplating too much on that shit at first. Running, swimming, bodybuilding and other high intensity sports that don't require much human interaction are perfect, especially if you're like me and tend to eat like an idiot after a break up. Alternatively, mind-numbing busywork but that doesn't have the benefit of burning the extra calories.

 

[Dr Ampersand]

After nearly four years of what I thought was a loving, caring and genuinely happy relationship, my girlfriend said 3 days ago that she loves me, but she doesn't know if she's in love with me.

Wow.

She tells me, somewhat out of the blue, that lately she's been feeling like she's drifing away from me, that our relationship seems based on convenience, and that it isn't going anywhere.

The thing is though, that as far as relationships go, we've had it pretty good: we see each other often, get on well with each others' families, we're openly affectionate with each other (in public, after nearly 4 years!!), have sex frequently, and hardly ever fight. And when we do fight, we listen to and respect each other's point of view.

She tells me she's had phases of doubt in the past that have dissapated, but this one is more solid.

A few weeks ago she was chatting casually to her boss about us, when he abruptly told her it wouldn't last. She's also been catching up with a friend of hers more recently, and he's just come out of a long, stable relationship. I'm worried that she's hearing so many tales of woe about other's relationships that she thinks the same must apply to us, and I'm scared. I'm really, really scared.

I asked her if I had (or hadn't) done anything to make her feel this way and she said no. I told her to think about it, and now I'm going over to her place tomorrow, and I just can't shake this feeling of impending doom.

TLR Has anyone, especially guys, had this sense of 'about to break up' doom too? And is there any way to prepare for it or make it easier?

Just get back in there.

She falls out of love with you? No problem. She can re-fall in love with you. Do stuff with her like she's a new girlfriend. Go to the cinema, draw pictures together, have a picnic, talk about your zany childhood dreams. Whatever you feel is good.

Re-dating her has the benefit of no doubts. You know that you'll be dating a person worth staying for with 4 years. The same applies for her, she stayed with you for a reason.

Engage with her and be a light in her life, she'll do the same. Encourage her to do things with and without you. She has a hobby? Do it with her. She has another? Plan a day for her to it with you on the other side of the planet.

Relationships can't have the two people stuck at the waist forever. You need to regularly have days where the two of you don't see each other for days. When the two of you re-meet any little symbol of affection will remind the two of you, "Woah! Now that's why I'm with her/him".

How emotional are the two of you (not sex)? Do you ever casually tell her how you feel? And not narrate like some wild-life documentary, I mean bring to life through tone and body language; passionately reveal the ebb and flow of your heart and emotions(because you can't effectively convey your feelings through mono-tone words and sentences). Can she do the same? Can she let her feelings put words in her mouth to speak?

It seems you've been together in such a way she got used to being in a relationship and forgot how to feel the feelings they evoke. Don't let that be happen.

 

[Susan Arendt]

Though you and she are only a few years apart in age, she's just now getting to that point in life when you're really starting to figure out who you are as a person and an adult. She started dating you when she was quite young, and it's likely she's changed somewhat over the past four years. Not in a bad way, of course, just in the way we all do as we move from being a teenager to being an adult. It's normal for her to be questioning pretty much everything in her life, including what she wants out of a romantic relationship.

There are lots of possibilities here - she might simply be wondering what else is out there, she may genuinely not want to spend the rest of her life with you - and as many others have mentioned, being honest and open about how you feel and where you see things going is the best approach. Above all, be patient and respectful.

 

[Tanakh]

Well... I would consider to dump you too. You are 5 years older but (judging only by your posts in this thread) sound immature, insecure and scared.

Honestly your best bet is to do what dear Susan said, honesty, openess, be a good BF (as I hope you have always tried to), don't pressure her; she also offers a VERY good insight of your GF possible situation. I would however said that above all if she breaks up, just take it like a man, you will be more mature thanks to it.

Damn man, I wish I had Susan to give that kind of neat advice when younger -.-''

 

[Poetic Nova]

Sorry if i do sound a bit harsh, and sorry if you 2 do break up, but at least she's honest with you. My last ex screwed me over by cheating on me. That hurts alot more then talking about it.

 

[Canadamus Prime]

After nearly four years of what I thought was a loving, caring and genuinely happy relationship, my girlfriend said 3 days ago that she loves me, but she doesn't know if she's in love with me.

My question would be, what the flying fuck is the difference?

 

[Poetic Nova]

After nearly four years of what I thought was a loving, caring and genuinely happy relationship, my girlfriend said 3 days ago that she loves me, but she doesn't know if she's in love with me.

My question would be, what the flying fuck is the difference?

You can love a person as a (best) friend, how weird it may sound.

 

[wulf3n]

After nearly four years of what I thought was a loving, caring and genuinely happy relationship, my girlfriend said 3 days ago that she loves me, but she doesn't know if she's in love with me.

My question would be, what the flying fuck is the difference?

You can love a person as a (best) friend, how weird it may sound.

I'd say it's the stupidity of the English language.

We assign one word, "love", to encompass an incredibly broad and unique range of emotions, that really aren't the same thing when you think about it.

Love for a friend is completely different to the Love for a Parent/Sibling/Child/Partner.

 

[JemothSkarii]

Dammit Susan my girlfriend and I are 21 (just about) and she's almost graduated college, don't tell me she'll start thinking differently >.<

OT: Yes, I've felt the 'Breakup Dread' many times. In fact, I became so paranoid about my ex that every gut feeling I had about her falling for another guy was right...I always listen to my gut now. My suggestion? Be straight with her, be honest, be the bigger man, and don't go all crazy like me and send death threats to the guy she cheated on you with while really drunk >.>...Ehm, ignore that last part, I doubt she cheated.
Humour helps if you do break up, always try to laugh.
Oh, and you might wanna stock up on Ice Cream, that also helps. When I left my ex due to earlier reasons, one of my best friends got me a pair of pajama pants, we both got a tub of good ice cream, and sat down watching Disney movies like typical teenage girls.
We're 20 year old straight males.

 

[JemothSkarii]

After nearly four years of what I thought was a loving, caring and genuinely happy relationship, my girlfriend said 3 days ago that she loves me, but she doesn't know if she's in love with me.

My question would be, what the flying fuck is the difference?

Well, I've gotten that line, but she then stated that she 'loves me like a brother'...so maybe something like that?

 

[Canadamus Prime]

After nearly four years of what I thought was a loving, caring and genuinely happy relationship, my girlfriend said 3 days ago that she loves me, but she doesn't know if she's in love with me.

My question would be, what the flying fuck is the difference?

You can love a person as a (best) friend, how weird it may sound.

Maybe, but I wouldn't tell my best friend that I love them. I only ever use the 'L' word on family members and the significant other that I don't have.

 

[Ozzythecat]

After nearly four years of what I thought was a loving, caring and genuinely happy relationship, my girlfriend said 3 days ago that she loves me, but she doesn't know if she's in love with me.

Wow.

She tells me, somewhat out of the blue, that lately she's been feeling like she's drifing away from me, that our relationship seems based on convenience, and that it isn't going anywhere.

The thing is though, that as far as relationships go, we've had it pretty good: we see each other often, get on well with each others' families, we're openly affectionate with each other (in public, after nearly 4 years!!), have sex frequently, and hardly ever fight. And when we do fight, we listen to and respect each other's point of view.

She tells me she's had phases of doubt in the past that have dissapated, but this one is more solid.

A few weeks ago she was chatting casually to her boss about us, when he abruptly told her it wouldn't last. She's also been catching up with a friend of hers more recently, and he's just come out of a long, stable relationship. I'm worried that she's hearing so many tales of woe about other's relationships that she thinks the same must apply to us, and I'm scared. I'm really, really scared.

I asked her if I had (or hadn't) done anything to make her feel this way and she said no. I told her to think about it, and now I'm going over to her place tomorrow, and I just can't shake this feeling of impending doom.

TLR Has anyone, especially guys, had this sense of 'about to break up' doom too? And is there any way to prepare for it or make it easier?

If you want to prepare for it then stop thinking about it. If you're afraid your relationship is over then it's going to be. You have to remember people are always going to see what they want to see! So if you're looking at your relationship like it's the end of it, then things will likely hit you that way.

If you want to keep it going then don't stop fighting for it! I know it's easier said than done and it is generally weak advice. Just don't let your outlook tint your world Especially when it comes to love!

But if you are really sure it's over, then give yourself a big heartbreak. Let yourself really feel that pain, and let it really sink in. It's the only way you can grow past the feelings you'll miss. YOU GOTTA EAT DA' PAST OR IT WILL EAT YOU!

Hope everything comes out in the best for you

Spoiler