I think I'm about to be dumped.
- Thread starter Squilookle
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Get clingy now, you'll regret it. Call it a pause and take a break from each other at this high point, and then, even if you never get together again, you'll remember all the good times you've had so far.Squilookle said:TLR Has anyone, especially guys, had this sense of 'about to break up' doom too? And is there any way to prepare for it or make it easier?
Horrible advice, dude.kypsilon said:
There is nothing the OP "can do" or "should do" to try and fix this. It's entirely out of his hands. If you keep telling him this, he'll only fell like he failed if shit hits the fan.
OP: confront her. Tell her what you told us. You need to get this off your chest or it'll eat you up. It's really the only move you have - force her hand. If she's hesitant, she'll likely break up with you. After four years she'll not want to do it quickly.
You can either hang around, feel like crap, hope for the best and have a hard time trusting in your relationship for years.
Or you break it up, be the active part.
Your decision.
The way I see, you probably got together when she was either in or fresh out of High School. New in college. Women, no, PEOPLE do CRAZY things when they're new in college. Seen it a bunch of times. Being on your own for the first time, tasting freedom. Now that she's graduated, she might be growing up. And re-evaluating your relationship. Maybe it's the first time she's been *really* thinking about the two of you long-term.
Women can be weird that way.
They'll stick with a loser alcoholic wife-beater for life. Gives them a perspective - he could change, life could get better.
With a "boring" nice guy, it seems like stagnation.
Been there.
(Yes, that's sexist generalisation, but it's really what guys want to hear)
Man, that's a crap position to be in.
I think I'll throw my two pennys in, and say that it would be best if you let it run it's course, sounds like you had a good run, and remember, stiff upper lip whilst it's happening, and plenty of tea, cake and tissues when you're alone.
You'll be ok
And yeah, been where you are in a less serious situation. it wasn't nice then, it won't be for you.
Sorry man, it's gonna hurt.
Best of luck!
I think I'll throw my two pennys in, and say that it would be best if you let it run it's course, sounds like you had a good run, and remember, stiff upper lip whilst it's happening, and plenty of tea, cake and tissues when you're alone.
You'll be ok
And yeah, been where you are in a less serious situation. it wasn't nice then, it won't be for you.
Sorry man, it's gonna hurt.
Best of luck!
First of all, thankyou to everyone for your support, sharing of your own stories, and advice.
Except for Tanakh; that didn't help at all...
I think you all deserve to know what has happened since then- so I'll break it down for you.
[HEADING=1]Wednesday[/HEADING]
[HEADING=1]Thursday[/HEADING]
[HEADING=1]Friday[/HEADING]
[HEADING=1]Aftermath[/HEADING]
[HEADING=2]My Question for YOU[/HEADING]
Except for Tanakh; that didn't help at all...
I think you all deserve to know what has happened since then- so I'll break it down for you.
[HEADING=1]Wednesday[/HEADING]
I head over to her place at 10am. Her little dog greets me at the door expecting its customary belly scratch, and I oblige. When I enter her room, she is asleep, but wakes up as I enter. I ask how she's been feeling over the weekend, and she says no worse than she has for some time now. She asks me how I've been and I admit I've been feeling pretty shit. She says she knows the feeling.
I don't think it's fair to start this conversation with her just woken up, but she doesn't mind. So I launch into it. I tell her how much of a shock it was to find she was unhappy, I tell her how good I thought our relationship was- listing off what I said in the OP, I tell her that I know I'm not perfect, and neither is she, but I've grown to love her quirks and any differences she has to me as it gives us different viewpoints in our discussions. I tell her I love her, value the relationship and am willing to better myself to make it work. I tell her my fear (and tell her how stupid this fear probably is) that her being off the pill has affected the way she's viewed the relationship/advice from others, and essentially that I recognise that having graduated, she is undergoing much change in her present and future plans for life, and that I'm prepared to change with them.
She tells me that during the time she's with me, she loves me and feels happy, but when I'm not around she has been feeling more and more apathetic. She tells me much of the text communication -particularly with organising the next meetup- has been done by her, and she feels if she doesn't chase me, I would never contact her.
I agree that she's been doing much more of the legwork lately, and that while I usually receive my work shifts after she does, it wouldn't hurt for me to ask about hers earlier. I also reassure her that it would be impossible for me to just let a silence draw out, and that I would start to get worried if she stopped contacting me without apparent reason.
She tells me how I've increasingly agreed to turn up at her place during a given window of time, say 'mid afternoon' and then arrive towards the tail end of that window. She tells me it used to make her upset waiting around having prepared for my arrival, but later she stopped caring. I tell her I had no idea it affected her to that extent, and suggest I be more specific in future with suggesting times I would be there, and stick to them.
She tells me she's surprised that I seem so pro-relationship, as she felt the distancing had been on both ends, and that I had started to care about her less and less when she wasn't around. I tell her that I absolutely want to continue the relationship, and that I didn't feel distant or apathetic to her at all. I say that I felt very comfortable with what the relationship had become, and that for her that may have been stagnation, but I never felt that way, and never felt distant or apathetic towards her.
She mentions how upset it made her that time I promised to pick her up from work, only to cancel when I got caught up sorting photo albums with Mum. This resulted in her having to catch a bus home in 40 degree C heat. She wished she had been more openly angry about it at the time. I should point out that whenever she gets angry, it leads to her being upset no matter what. I tell her I wish she got more angry too as it would have made it clear to me how serious it had been for her.
As we're talking for many hours, we're listening carefully to each other. She's tearing up in places, and I did too when I told her how scared this whole thing made me that I was about to lose her. We're also talking about the situation with some dry humour, and we're each making each other laugh at times, which really helped ease some of the tension. We hug each other tightly, and lie in each other's arms on the bed for a few hours. I stroke her hair, and her body. I brush near an erogenous zone, and hear no complaint. I try stroking her right on the zone, and she moans. So I tenderly play with her, while we kiss. Pretty soon she's playing with me too, and the clothes come off... well, you get the idea. We do oral on each other and soon it blows up into wild, full-on three position sex.
Afterwards, while lying together, we just hug for some time. I ask her what she thinks about what we've talked about. She says she doesn't know. I talk to her more about how committed I am to repairing what damage has been done and righting the things I didn't realise I had done, and the things I had misread the severity of. She has a solo Europe trip planned for May, and I suggest we stay together until she's gone off and done that. She still says she doesn't know, and changes the subject to my job interview.
I have a job interview on Thursday morning, and as I planned to have a friend on standby today I could go and commiserate with in the event that I got dumped, I hadn't brought a change of clothes for it. She asks if I'd like a lift to the interview, which is on the other side of the city. I tell her that would be lovely. I go home, grab my suit, and come back. She's dubious about my choice of shirt, and has me try on one of her dad's work shirts. I'm not complaining- here I am, wearing a suit, and walking around topless in suit pants- a look she has said in the past she enjoys a hell of a lot! I stay for dinner, and we hop into bed. I again ask her what she thinks about us, and she still doesn't know. I ask her to sleep on it and tell me tomorrow. She agrees, and we fall asleep in each other's arms.
I don't think it's fair to start this conversation with her just woken up, but she doesn't mind. So I launch into it. I tell her how much of a shock it was to find she was unhappy, I tell her how good I thought our relationship was- listing off what I said in the OP, I tell her that I know I'm not perfect, and neither is she, but I've grown to love her quirks and any differences she has to me as it gives us different viewpoints in our discussions. I tell her I love her, value the relationship and am willing to better myself to make it work. I tell her my fear (and tell her how stupid this fear probably is) that her being off the pill has affected the way she's viewed the relationship/advice from others, and essentially that I recognise that having graduated, she is undergoing much change in her present and future plans for life, and that I'm prepared to change with them.
She tells me that during the time she's with me, she loves me and feels happy, but when I'm not around she has been feeling more and more apathetic. She tells me much of the text communication -particularly with organising the next meetup- has been done by her, and she feels if she doesn't chase me, I would never contact her.
I agree that she's been doing much more of the legwork lately, and that while I usually receive my work shifts after she does, it wouldn't hurt for me to ask about hers earlier. I also reassure her that it would be impossible for me to just let a silence draw out, and that I would start to get worried if she stopped contacting me without apparent reason.
She tells me how I've increasingly agreed to turn up at her place during a given window of time, say 'mid afternoon' and then arrive towards the tail end of that window. She tells me it used to make her upset waiting around having prepared for my arrival, but later she stopped caring. I tell her I had no idea it affected her to that extent, and suggest I be more specific in future with suggesting times I would be there, and stick to them.
She tells me she's surprised that I seem so pro-relationship, as she felt the distancing had been on both ends, and that I had started to care about her less and less when she wasn't around. I tell her that I absolutely want to continue the relationship, and that I didn't feel distant or apathetic to her at all. I say that I felt very comfortable with what the relationship had become, and that for her that may have been stagnation, but I never felt that way, and never felt distant or apathetic towards her.
She mentions how upset it made her that time I promised to pick her up from work, only to cancel when I got caught up sorting photo albums with Mum. This resulted in her having to catch a bus home in 40 degree C heat. She wished she had been more openly angry about it at the time. I should point out that whenever she gets angry, it leads to her being upset no matter what. I tell her I wish she got more angry too as it would have made it clear to me how serious it had been for her.
As we're talking for many hours, we're listening carefully to each other. She's tearing up in places, and I did too when I told her how scared this whole thing made me that I was about to lose her. We're also talking about the situation with some dry humour, and we're each making each other laugh at times, which really helped ease some of the tension. We hug each other tightly, and lie in each other's arms on the bed for a few hours. I stroke her hair, and her body. I brush near an erogenous zone, and hear no complaint. I try stroking her right on the zone, and she moans. So I tenderly play with her, while we kiss. Pretty soon she's playing with me too, and the clothes come off... well, you get the idea. We do oral on each other and soon it blows up into wild, full-on three position sex.
Afterwards, while lying together, we just hug for some time. I ask her what she thinks about what we've talked about. She says she doesn't know. I talk to her more about how committed I am to repairing what damage has been done and righting the things I didn't realise I had done, and the things I had misread the severity of. She has a solo Europe trip planned for May, and I suggest we stay together until she's gone off and done that. She still says she doesn't know, and changes the subject to my job interview.
I have a job interview on Thursday morning, and as I planned to have a friend on standby today I could go and commiserate with in the event that I got dumped, I hadn't brought a change of clothes for it. She asks if I'd like a lift to the interview, which is on the other side of the city. I tell her that would be lovely. I go home, grab my suit, and come back. She's dubious about my choice of shirt, and has me try on one of her dad's work shirts. I'm not complaining- here I am, wearing a suit, and walking around topless in suit pants- a look she has said in the past she enjoys a hell of a lot! I stay for dinner, and we hop into bed. I again ask her what she thinks about us, and she still doesn't know. I ask her to sleep on it and tell me tomorrow. She agrees, and we fall asleep in each other's arms.
[HEADING=1]Thursday[/HEADING]
The alarm wakes us up at an early hour. I ask if she'd like to shower with me, and she refuses. I come out of the shower to find that in the meantime she has taken her Dad's shirt and started ironing it for me. She doesn't have much experience with ironing so her Mum takes over and finishes it. I make us some breakfast. The atmosphere is just like any regular day in our relationship, and while I know my girlfriend has talked with her Mum about how she feels about the relationship, she's just as nice and playfully teasing towards me as usual. I put on my suit, her Mum gives me a brush down with one of those brushes that removes tiny hairs with static, and we're off.
The interview slot I've been given only goes for 15 minutes, so my girlfriend won't have to wait long. When I get called in from the group waiting in the lobby, they're in a rush and will make it quick. They scan the clipboard I've filled out, ask me a few questions, and I'm out in 3 minutes. They tell me they'll only be 3 selected from everyone there, but I felt I was in with a chance as the interview went really well. I call her when I get out, and she's in a nearby park. We meet up and head to a coffee shop she noticed.
We talk over drinks about the area, what working here might be like, and we joke about other things. We're having a really good, talkative time. We drive back to hers, and collapse on the bed and have a nap. (Curiously enough, I can usually never sleep during daylight hours, but there's something about her that enables me to nap alongside her during the day). Anyway, when we wake up, we're making out gently and passionately, but since she had signs of the start of her period last time around, proper sex was off the cards. So we went the tantric route. What followed was almost an hour of teasing and stimulating that drove us both absolutely crazy. I won't go into the details too much as it's probably not best suited for this forum. Hell if you really want to know you can try to PM me.
Anyway, we go to dinner, both of us struggling to walk on our jelly legs. I get a text from the interview place- I've made it into the top 3 and was required back there for a trial run at 8am the next day. I decide to go home and head out from there in the morning. My girlfriend only has 2 days off this week and I didn't want her to have to be woken up early on both of them. I kiss her goodbye, and she suggests I come round again after the trial run. I agree.
The interview slot I've been given only goes for 15 minutes, so my girlfriend won't have to wait long. When I get called in from the group waiting in the lobby, they're in a rush and will make it quick. They scan the clipboard I've filled out, ask me a few questions, and I'm out in 3 minutes. They tell me they'll only be 3 selected from everyone there, but I felt I was in with a chance as the interview went really well. I call her when I get out, and she's in a nearby park. We meet up and head to a coffee shop she noticed.
We talk over drinks about the area, what working here might be like, and we joke about other things. We're having a really good, talkative time. We drive back to hers, and collapse on the bed and have a nap. (Curiously enough, I can usually never sleep during daylight hours, but there's something about her that enables me to nap alongside her during the day). Anyway, when we wake up, we're making out gently and passionately, but since she had signs of the start of her period last time around, proper sex was off the cards. So we went the tantric route. What followed was almost an hour of teasing and stimulating that drove us both absolutely crazy. I won't go into the details too much as it's probably not best suited for this forum. Hell if you really want to know you can try to PM me.
Anyway, we go to dinner, both of us struggling to walk on our jelly legs. I get a text from the interview place- I've made it into the top 3 and was required back there for a trial run at 8am the next day. I decide to go home and head out from there in the morning. My girlfriend only has 2 days off this week and I didn't want her to have to be woken up early on both of them. I kiss her goodbye, and she suggests I come round again after the trial run. I agree.
[HEADING=1]Friday[/HEADING]
I get up at 5am, and am so careful about leaving enough time to get there that I drive through the city in light traffic and end up arriving 70 minutes early. It was due to start at 8, and finish by 10. I get in at 9:50, sit with the other 3 for half an hour, and then chat with some supervisors. It's a marketing company, and they explain we'll be in direct competition with each other. They also tell us to use our cars (lucky I brought mine- I was considering the train and tram) to drive 40 minutes to a shopping center halfway down the bay for the trial. None of this is relevant I suppose, so basically I passed the theory with "flying colours" as they called it, but missed out at the end, which finally arrived at 12:30. I sneak in a text apologising that I was still out, and promised to call when I was done. The more I thought about the nature of the job, the more I was actually glad I didn't get it. Commission based pay... yuck. My phone battery dies before I can call her.
I come back to my girlfriend's place, and she hadn't checked her phone or seen the text, but said she wasn't fussed, having guessed what had happened, and we're hanging out around the house. We've been meaning to watch Armageddon for a few weeks, so we pull it out and watch it together, and yes, it's every bit as cheesy as we remember.
Tentatively, I bring the subject of our future up again. She has not decided what she wants, and tells me if she absolutely had to give an answer at the time, up until today she would have opted for a break up (so I'm glad I didn't try the direct approach) and explains that there's another problem.
Gulp.
She's 22, and many of her friends have been in and out of relationships during ours, and others have been single throughout. She's felt for some time now that by being with me she is missing out on the single lifestyle her friends have enjoyed during the part of her life she feels is best suited for it. She says she wishes she had met me a little later on after she had had time to experiment. I recall her mentioning this view in an offhand way nearly 2 years ago, and it seems to have stuck with her.
Suddenly I feel like I now need time to think about us, but not long after, she decides she wants to give me a chance. She tells me we'll be together up until the eve of her going away and then she will make her choice. I say I feel happy and we embrace, and I head off back to my place to get ready for a party the next day.
As I drive home, I am now convinced our relationship is doomed. She planned the Europe trip during her time of doubt, and was clear that she wanted to do it alone. In my mind, she wants to be free to experiment on the trip, but will stay with me up until that time, and when the time comes, she will dump me.
I come back to my girlfriend's place, and she hadn't checked her phone or seen the text, but said she wasn't fussed, having guessed what had happened, and we're hanging out around the house. We've been meaning to watch Armageddon for a few weeks, so we pull it out and watch it together, and yes, it's every bit as cheesy as we remember.
Tentatively, I bring the subject of our future up again. She has not decided what she wants, and tells me if she absolutely had to give an answer at the time, up until today she would have opted for a break up (so I'm glad I didn't try the direct approach) and explains that there's another problem.
Gulp.
She's 22, and many of her friends have been in and out of relationships during ours, and others have been single throughout. She's felt for some time now that by being with me she is missing out on the single lifestyle her friends have enjoyed during the part of her life she feels is best suited for it. She says she wishes she had met me a little later on after she had had time to experiment. I recall her mentioning this view in an offhand way nearly 2 years ago, and it seems to have stuck with her.
Suddenly I feel like I now need time to think about us, but not long after, she decides she wants to give me a chance. She tells me we'll be together up until the eve of her going away and then she will make her choice. I say I feel happy and we embrace, and I head off back to my place to get ready for a party the next day.
As I drive home, I am now convinced our relationship is doomed. She planned the Europe trip during her time of doubt, and was clear that she wanted to do it alone. In my mind, she wants to be free to experiment on the trip, but will stay with me up until that time, and when the time comes, she will dump me.
[HEADING=1]Aftermath[/HEADING]
The more I think about it, the harder it becomes. Here we are, with a key problem she is facing that I can do absolutely nothing about. Think of it this way: if we stay together, she will always wonder what she missed out on; she will always look back at that time as a potentially missed opportunity to experiment, and as I'm only the second relationship she's had, she'll never know herself how good or bad a boyfriend I am compared to other guys out there.
As hard as it is for me to even contemplate- the only way we will ever have a chance of being together in the future is for me to let her go. Only by experiencing other men will she gain an objective view of what we had. If after this period of time she decides that I was better than anyone she encountered since (and I honestly feel about 90% sure that could happen... talk about an overinflated ego huh), then she will want me back.
Naturally, there is also the possibility that she will find someone that makes her happier, and while that would make me feel pretty pathetic and worthless as a human male, at least I would know that she was happy, and I would rather her be happy with someone else than be with me if it wasn't making her happy. I feel that to let her go is the right thing to do, and something I can do without regretting my actions. I still hate it with every fiber of my being, but I can see no better solution.
As hard as it is for me to even contemplate- the only way we will ever have a chance of being together in the future is for me to let her go. Only by experiencing other men will she gain an objective view of what we had. If after this period of time she decides that I was better than anyone she encountered since (and I honestly feel about 90% sure that could happen... talk about an overinflated ego huh), then she will want me back.
Naturally, there is also the possibility that she will find someone that makes her happier, and while that would make me feel pretty pathetic and worthless as a human male, at least I would know that she was happy, and I would rather her be happy with someone else than be with me if it wasn't making her happy. I feel that to let her go is the right thing to do, and something I can do without regretting my actions. I still hate it with every fiber of my being, but I can see no better solution.
[HEADING=2]My Question for YOU[/HEADING]
Here's the problem though- I've just spent two days blindly talking and reasoning her into giving us another chance at the relationship, before realising that it can't sustain itself. It has to end or there will be no future for it. But I don't know how to do it.
I could go to her straight away, and explain what I wrote about in the aftermath- tell her we'd be better off if we broke up, and end it quickly. This would bring closure sooner, but I fear she would not appreciate being so thoroughly talked into expanding the relationship only for me, once her decision had been put to rest, to bring out one of my own that ends it definitively- effectively robbing her of the decision.
I could let her do it her way, by going on until May the way we are now, and when she tells me she still wants to break up, I agree, state my thoughts on needing to let her experiment, and hopefully we end it there. Benefits include that she, as the one with the doubt and the desire to break up, still gets to do it. The big downside is that while we're getting along great now, if things start to slide, they're probably going to deteriorate a lot, and we won't end on peaceful terms, which for me is the absolute highest priority. I want to end the relationship with her thinking of me in the best possible light, to leave open a rekindling in the future.
Finally, I could opt for something in between, by waiting a little while then doing it myself. This seems to have all the dangers of the other options, but I won't lie to you- every further second I spend with her is like a wonderful snatched moment of borrowed time I've stolen from the inevitable. Maybe it isn't healthy, but unless I can be convinced just how unhealthy it is, I am leaning towards trying my luck with staying by her side for as long as possible.
What do you think is the best way? And has anyone else had to weigh up multiple exit strategies for their relationships?
I could go to her straight away, and explain what I wrote about in the aftermath- tell her we'd be better off if we broke up, and end it quickly. This would bring closure sooner, but I fear she would not appreciate being so thoroughly talked into expanding the relationship only for me, once her decision had been put to rest, to bring out one of my own that ends it definitively- effectively robbing her of the decision.
I could let her do it her way, by going on until May the way we are now, and when she tells me she still wants to break up, I agree, state my thoughts on needing to let her experiment, and hopefully we end it there. Benefits include that she, as the one with the doubt and the desire to break up, still gets to do it. The big downside is that while we're getting along great now, if things start to slide, they're probably going to deteriorate a lot, and we won't end on peaceful terms, which for me is the absolute highest priority. I want to end the relationship with her thinking of me in the best possible light, to leave open a rekindling in the future.
Finally, I could opt for something in between, by waiting a little while then doing it myself. This seems to have all the dangers of the other options, but I won't lie to you- every further second I spend with her is like a wonderful snatched moment of borrowed time I've stolen from the inevitable. Maybe it isn't healthy, but unless I can be convinced just how unhealthy it is, I am leaning towards trying my luck with staying by her side for as long as possible.
What do you think is the best way? And has anyone else had to weigh up multiple exit strategies for their relationships?
If I was with someone that I knew was longing and quite possibly opting for something and someone else, I don't think I could find peace and happiness in the time I am still granted to be with him/her. It's just wrong. It's emotionally immature and bound to put a dent in just about every ego.
I think it's cool you have these grown-up talks and all, still, I really think it's high time you kick the habit and look for happiness elsewhere. Maybe you want to be 'friends' so you might consider holding out until she leaves for her Europe trip. That's really nice and sweet and gentle and all, but I fear it might still crush you when she actually does find someone else, someone better, or just enjoys the me-time with her girl friends more.
I feel this ship has sailed, this relationship has run its course. May you enjoy the time off and find love and peace and happiness somewhere else, soon.
I think it's cool you have these grown-up talks and all, still, I really think it's high time you kick the habit and look for happiness elsewhere. Maybe you want to be 'friends' so you might consider holding out until she leaves for her Europe trip. That's really nice and sweet and gentle and all, but I fear it might still crush you when she actually does find someone else, someone better, or just enjoys the me-time with her girl friends more.
I feel this ship has sailed, this relationship has run its course. May you enjoy the time off and find love and peace and happiness somewhere else, soon.
I'm not sure I entirely get your logic...
You want to break up your relationship in order to give it a future?
That doubt, that there might be another man better suited for her? It's not going to go away by her simply trying lots of different men, there's simply way too many people out there for that. Even if it does, you kind of end up in a fucked-up situation where you're with each other simply and only because you failed to find anyone better...
Confidence in a relationship should come from within. If being with each other is simply good and makes you happy then what the hell does it matter if there's potentially other people who might potentially be better suited? If you have a good thing going then keep it going. If you have a bad thing going then break it off. Others don't matter.
Maybe it's just me but I can't see her experimenting whilst you're sitting at home pining after her hoping for a rekindling later on to end well in any way, shape or form.
If you truly believe your relationship can't sustain itself then truly break it off. Dump her, be honest to her as well don't drag her along whilst your own heart isn't in it, spend a few months on your own and then find a different gal and hope it does work out with her.
If you truly want a future with this girl then truly go for that. Sitting at home whilst she's off and hoping the whole thing will somehow fix itself isn't going to work. Put some real effort into enjoying the time you have with her, take the initiative for a change and make it a great time. Then make sure you keep in touch while she's away to keep it going.
But make a real choice, currently it sounds like you're just waiting for everything to happen. Waiting for her to contact you and set up dates at first and now waiting for her to figure out what route to take with the relationship and going along. It takes two to tango, I'd say it's past time to stop waiting and start taking an active approach in where you want this relationship to go.
You want to break up your relationship in order to give it a future?
That doubt, that there might be another man better suited for her? It's not going to go away by her simply trying lots of different men, there's simply way too many people out there for that. Even if it does, you kind of end up in a fucked-up situation where you're with each other simply and only because you failed to find anyone better...
Confidence in a relationship should come from within. If being with each other is simply good and makes you happy then what the hell does it matter if there's potentially other people who might potentially be better suited? If you have a good thing going then keep it going. If you have a bad thing going then break it off. Others don't matter.
Maybe it's just me but I can't see her experimenting whilst you're sitting at home pining after her hoping for a rekindling later on to end well in any way, shape or form.
If you truly believe your relationship can't sustain itself then truly break it off. Dump her, be honest to her as well don't drag her along whilst your own heart isn't in it, spend a few months on your own and then find a different gal and hope it does work out with her.
If you truly want a future with this girl then truly go for that. Sitting at home whilst she's off and hoping the whole thing will somehow fix itself isn't going to work. Put some real effort into enjoying the time you have with her, take the initiative for a change and make it a great time. Then make sure you keep in touch while she's away to keep it going.
But make a real choice, currently it sounds like you're just waiting for everything to happen. Waiting for her to contact you and set up dates at first and now waiting for her to figure out what route to take with the relationship and going along. It takes two to tango, I'd say it's past time to stop waiting and start taking an active approach in where you want this relationship to go.
First of all, thank you very much for sharing this with us, this can't have been easy on you.Squilookle said:
I really don't know you all too well, so I can only tell you what I would do.
Personally, I would want to end it right now.
If you drag this out any longer, maybe SHE will be a little happier / feel better about herself / whatever, but what's important are your feelings.
And as much as breaking up will hurt, what hurts me more is being left in a suspended state of uncertainty, which in this case would be due to her being unable to make up her fucking mind about you and what she wants.
The only way to end this "quantum-status" of you relationship is by opening the box and killing the cat.
A.e. breaking up with her.
Yeah, maybe she wouldn't "appreciate" that, but boo-friggin-hoo, this is not about her, this is about you. And why should you have to be unhappy just so she can be a little happier for just a little longer?
Be gentle about it, tell her that you still care about her as a person etc, but also make it very clear that it was HER behaviour that made you doubt the relationship, which is why you feel that you can no longer go on like this.
Don't go the "it's not you, it's me" route, because that's just bad style. Tell her, that it is her fault, tell her why that is and tell her that because of this, you want to end this relationship.
It will be very tough but I do believe that this is the right choice.
Also, this "single life" bullshit is just that. Bullshit. Most singles I know (male and female) would do basically everything to be in a loving, stable relationship with a great partner.
The ones who don't want a partner are either scarred by a past relationship having gone awry or just want to focus on their careers.
If she wants to go out there and fuck random dudes and "experiment" then I say:
" All the power to you, I hope you catch a damn STD"
First...regardless of what happens, you'll be alright. You won't be lonely for the rest of your life. You will find love, whether it's with your current girlfriend or someone else.
Second...she has a point. I know it's different for everyone but I didn't even consider getting married until I was in my mid-thirties. I was just having WAY too much fun being single. But eventually, I got tired of it and started looking for "The Marrying Kind" of girl. Found one, dated her and married her. Been together seven years. Happy ending.
My advice, worth nothing but the paper it's printed on, is break it off "straight away". Let her try her "single life". One of two things will happen; either she'll hate it and decide things were much better in a stable relationship with you. Or she won't, in which case you both would have been miserable trying to make it work.
Either way, win/win for you.
And who knows...maybe this opens the door for new and potentially better relationship for you.
Second...she has a point. I know it's different for everyone but I didn't even consider getting married until I was in my mid-thirties. I was just having WAY too much fun being single. But eventually, I got tired of it and started looking for "The Marrying Kind" of girl. Found one, dated her and married her. Been together seven years. Happy ending.
My advice, worth nothing but the paper it's printed on, is break it off "straight away". Let her try her "single life". One of two things will happen; either she'll hate it and decide things were much better in a stable relationship with you. Or she won't, in which case you both would have been miserable trying to make it work.
Either way, win/win for you.
And who knows...maybe this opens the door for new and potentially better relationship for you.
Damn fam, I'm kinda tearing up...Squilookle said:
I would usually say that you should do it her way and hope that you guys stay together but as you said, she's 22. If she doesn't "experiment" when she's single then she's gonna do it later on, most likely when you're still together.
I'd say break up for the duration of her trip and both of you experiment. Afterwards, if she wants to get back together and you feel the same- go for it. If not, then I'm sure you can find somebody even better than her
No matter what, BE HAPPY. Enjoy life and let whatever happens, happen.
Take all of the above with a massive grain of salt though. I'm terrible at relationships.
P.S. Keep us updated
Hahaha, you ditched her at work so you could play at sorting photos with your mum? Fucking hell man.
Sounds like she's still in a middle area to me. I think the ball is mostly in your court at the moment, and that's not a bad thing. Again, I know what you're going through. Both me and my fiance have thought similar things as your girlfriend at different times. In the end, for us it always came down to whether we could see ourselves marrying the other one or not. For both of us, it always ended up being yes. That was something we had talked about in the first few months of our relationship, when I was still in highschool and she was in college. We both had agreed that we weren't doing it because it was convenient or because it was easy, since we were quite a ways away from each other, so if at any point we decided that we couldn't see ourselves marrying the other one then there wasn't a point in staying together.Squilookle said:
We're obviously not the same people, and your philosophy might be different, but in long term relationships that's something that is important to talk about. Probably not right now for you, since you've been talking about the more basic relationship stuff with her, but it's important for you to consider and then talk to her about. The best thing you can do at the moment, in my experience, is to keep talking to her about things. Don't push it too much, and don't do that all the time, but keep up the conversation on how you're doing, what she feels, how you feel and so on. While you're doing that think about how you two fit together, and if you want to marry her or not. Eventually, whenever you feel comfortable with it, ask her how she feels about that. Make sure she knows it's not a proposal (unless you want it to be one), but that before she goes off to Europe you want to know what she's thinking along those lines.
Another option for you, if you're still together and relatively happy by the time she goes of, is to go on a break. Yes, that mostly ends in a total breakup, but it would give her the chance to see other guys and have fun while she's in Europe, and frankly it would give you a chance to do the same. When she gets back you two re-evaluate and take things from there. It might not be appealing to you, but sometimes that's what needs to happen. You never know, you might be the one who's realized something by the end of it and decide that it's time to move on.
In the end, whatever happens, you need to let her do what she wants. A relationship only works if it's going both ways, and if it's not then there isn't anything you can do about it. But if you love her I wouldn't suggest breaking up with her yourself. Let her do it, and go with it if she does. It won't be easy if it comes to that, and you should let her know that if there's ever a point in the upcoming months where she knows which way it's going to go that she should just let you know then, but if it takes until the morning she leaves then that's what it takes.
Keep talking to her, but if she decides to break it off don't be pushy and don't beg. Let it happen. It'll be hard, but you'll get over it quickly enough, and in the end you'll be happier off in the long run because, as I said, good relationships go both ways, and when they stop doing that they stop becoming happy for either person (unless one of the people is crazy... then it devolves to stalking and general creepiness).
Good luck man.
I would dump her first to safe face and your ego. it sounds woman code for breakup to me. She's 22 and done her University. She wants freedom to mess around now.
why live in fear if she is unsure and is giving you BS reasons about why she is not in love with you I would just dump her and tell her you are moving on. done and done.
why live in fear if she is unsure and is giving you BS reasons about why she is not in love with you I would just dump her and tell her you are moving on. done and done.
My take? If you guys have such an open and honest relationship tell her not to pull any punches to "spare you" or "try and be nice to you". If you she honestly cares as much as you do and has such serious doubts, then maybe a break is needed. Especially with this Europe trip coming up. That seems like a really BIG issue if you guys do stay together as you will constantly be worried and wondering what's going on. By all means fight for it if you really want her, but you should also have a concrete, black and white type of answer with this given the length of your time together. Either you two want to be together, or you don't. Sitting around in the grey area is no good and can drive you insane. At least in my experience. Best of luck to you man and I hope it works out for you!
Hunni all I would say is don't make assumptions about what will happen or you risk making this a self fullfilling prophecy. Women like to plan, we tend to be more family/relationship centric and many of us need to feel like this part of our lives are going somewhere. If she has doubts and is telling you about it she may want reassurance that you want the same things from this relationship as her.Squilookle said:UPDATE: To see what happened next, see page 4, post 109
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After nearly four years of what I thought was a loving, caring and genuinely happy relationship, my girlfriend said 3 days ago that she loves me, but she doesn't know if she's in love with me.
Wow.
She tells me, somewhat out of the blue, that lately she's been feeling like she's drifing away from me, that our relationship seems based on convenience, and that it isn't going anywhere.
The thing is though, that as far as relationships go, we've had it pretty good: we see each other often, get on well with each others' families, we're openly affectionate with each other (in public, after nearly 4 years!!), have sex frequently, and hardly ever fight. And when we do fight, we listen to and respect each other's point of view.
She tells me she's had phases of doubt in the past that have dissapated, but this one is more solid.
A few weeks ago she was chatting casually to her boss about us, when he abruptly told her it wouldn't last. She's also been catching up with a friend of hers more recently, and he's just come out of a long, stable relationship. I'm worried that she's hearing so many tales of woe about other's relationships that she thinks the same must apply to us, and I'm scared. I'm really, really scared.
I asked her if I had (or hadn't) done anything to make her feel this way and she said no. I told her to think about it, and now I'm going over to her place tomorrow, and I just can't shake this feeling of impending doom.
TL
Talk to her, ask her what she wants from a relationship, be honest about what you want and then have a discussion about whether your long term hopes for your relationship are compatible. But whatever you do, don't go to see her assuming that your relationship is over or she may interpret that as you having already written off any future together for the two of you.
Whatever happens I really do wish you all the best.
Well, this is surely a sad thing and my deepest sympathies for the OP.
However, what I'm going to say might not seem like helping but it possibly could...
In the end, this is a good thing.
Now hear me out.
I've dated quite a few women and have had my share of relationships and what I've learned over the years is that it's not fun and enjoyable to be with someone who isn't "into you" and I highly doubt that any healthy person wants someone to stay with them "just because".
What I have learned over some hard breakups is that it's better to be with someone who wants to be with you and who you want to be with. It's more fun, enjoyable and the relationships usually "feel more right".
People grow, have different needs. Have you ever been in a good relationship only to find out that there was one deal breaker based on what each of you wanted in life? Well, heck, I have. Or that you were with someone but they needed to move and you needed to stay?
What I have also learned is that if you are healthy about the whole thing you WILL find someone else and that person will be more "right" for you. This always happens. It's not a store and you can't just order a new relationship but it does happen.
Yes it's sad but in the end both you and your current/former partner will be happier and more fulfilled.
Good luck, I know you will do well and eventually be in a better place. If not with this person with someone new who will really love you the way you deserve.
However, what I'm going to say might not seem like helping but it possibly could...
In the end, this is a good thing.
Now hear me out.
I've dated quite a few women and have had my share of relationships and what I've learned over the years is that it's not fun and enjoyable to be with someone who isn't "into you" and I highly doubt that any healthy person wants someone to stay with them "just because".
What I have learned over some hard breakups is that it's better to be with someone who wants to be with you and who you want to be with. It's more fun, enjoyable and the relationships usually "feel more right".
People grow, have different needs. Have you ever been in a good relationship only to find out that there was one deal breaker based on what each of you wanted in life? Well, heck, I have. Or that you were with someone but they needed to move and you needed to stay?
What I have also learned is that if you are healthy about the whole thing you WILL find someone else and that person will be more "right" for you. This always happens. It's not a store and you can't just order a new relationship but it does happen.
Yes it's sad but in the end both you and your current/former partner will be happier and more fulfilled.
Good luck, I know you will do well and eventually be in a better place. If not with this person with someone new who will really love you the way you deserve.