I think we should break up.
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Just broke up with a woman I had dated for 3.5 years (5 on and off) who I loved very much (and probably always will, to some extent). It's a horrible story on this one: her dad died when she was only 2, and her older sister ran away from home to become some big drug lord, so she never really had a stable home life. Her first boyfriend was mentally abusive, and combining that with no notable father figure made her someone who defined herself by her sex appeal because that seemed to be the only value she had in her own mind. I was the first guy who ever cared about her without that kind of stuff, which is why things worked...until she went off to a different college than I did, at which point she immediately asked for an open relationship.
Usually, this would be my cue to exit, but she was raped her first week on campus, and she turned to me for help. Still loving her and feeling an overwhelming amount of pity, I ran to her for the weekend and we re-established our relationship. But she was never the same. Over the next year and a half, she sank further and further into horrible drug habits, pushing everyone who was smart enough to get out (i.e. not me) away. She was raped several more times as she kept putting herself in horribly dangerous situations as she stopped caring about herself, and she eventually cheated on me repeatedly. I stayed because I thought that her response to being raped was understandable (not acceptable, but understandable), and I wanted to help her get better. I spent the summer paying for her therapy and trying to build her up so that she'd be ok.
You've probably already guessed the punchline by now: she went right back to the awful, self-destructive habits that she had all of last year, and ended up in another man's bed again before I finally had the strength to cut it off. It's an obviously sucky situation, but to everyone involved's credit, there hasn't been any anger or animosity sent my way by anyone. Even her mom understood why I needed to take care of myself after having given so much of myself to a relationship that never had a real hope in working out.
That said, she's now gone full blown suicidal to the point where I'm getting messages from her friends begging me to call just so she doesn't put a gun to her head. Given I still care about her, having to be cold and distance myself really sucks. But at some point, you have to let someone go and accept that you can't save them, no matter how much you want to.
Usually, this would be my cue to exit, but she was raped her first week on campus, and she turned to me for help. Still loving her and feeling an overwhelming amount of pity, I ran to her for the weekend and we re-established our relationship. But she was never the same. Over the next year and a half, she sank further and further into horrible drug habits, pushing everyone who was smart enough to get out (i.e. not me) away. She was raped several more times as she kept putting herself in horribly dangerous situations as she stopped caring about herself, and she eventually cheated on me repeatedly. I stayed because I thought that her response to being raped was understandable (not acceptable, but understandable), and I wanted to help her get better. I spent the summer paying for her therapy and trying to build her up so that she'd be ok.
You've probably already guessed the punchline by now: she went right back to the awful, self-destructive habits that she had all of last year, and ended up in another man's bed again before I finally had the strength to cut it off. It's an obviously sucky situation, but to everyone involved's credit, there hasn't been any anger or animosity sent my way by anyone. Even her mom understood why I needed to take care of myself after having given so much of myself to a relationship that never had a real hope in working out.
That said, she's now gone full blown suicidal to the point where I'm getting messages from her friends begging me to call just so she doesn't put a gun to her head. Given I still care about her, having to be cold and distance myself really sucks. But at some point, you have to let someone go and accept that you can't save them, no matter how much you want to.
I know you didn't technically ask for advice, but since you posted this on an internet forum and I can relate to how you're feeling, I'm going to give some anyway (though you may feel free to ignore itwindlenot said:
)The answer you're looking for is: "As soon as possible". Being in a relationship with someone who's depressed all the time is one thing, but when you're only in it because you feel guilty, staying just weighs down on your soul. I know it's difficult, but you have to accept that her problems are not your fault, and she's not your responsibility. If you've given the relationship everything you can and it hasn't helped her, it's time to walk away. Because you won't be able to grow as a person if you're constantly being weighed down by a relationship that you don't get joy out of anymore, and she won't grow if she can always just fall back on you whenever things get difficult.
If I've learned anything over the 3.5 year mess that was my first relationship, it's that for a healthy relationship to exist, you need two independent people who are capable of living their own lives happily so that they each have something to share with the other. When only one person is able to put in the effort to make it work, it won't work. And you're not doing her or yourself any favours by staying.
Best of luck, man.
I traveled about 50 miles to break up with my girlfriend of three months in person and she chased me down the train platform.
Wait, she cried a few times because she had to go to a dance with her boyfriend and you're the one who ended up being at fault?MASTACHIEFPWN said:
My only breakup wasn't anything special. We started dating shortly before I had to move halfway across the earth, which in retrospect wasn't the greatest idea, and eventually we both decided that our long-distance relationship wasn't working and we agreed to break up.
Unfortunately, the male will always be the bag guy. That is simply how it works. I had to break up with my last lass cause A. She was so damn unintelligent it became extremely difficult not to do laps around her in conversation and B. She fully nested in my house, didn't leave for 3 weeks on end and only ever wanted to do it when I didn't have awt the sheath my sword in... I didn't even break up with her, just told her she had to go home for a bit and give me some space after she'd been all shitty with me for no reason, THE DAY BEFORE I STARTED A MONTH LONG SET BUILD FOR MY FINAL PIECE. Didn't speak to her for one day cause I was busy and next I hear we've broken up... So... Yeah. Awesome? It still hurt like Hel, but it always will. I've just given up on it all now. The only people I actually care for just lead me on and treat me like some kind of emotional entertainment and the only people who care about me just simply don't understand me in the slightest. It's horrible.ERaptor said:
Well, my girlfriend just broke up with me about 3 weeks ago, right after I started my new school. Without any of my old dorm friends for support, it's been somewhat of a bumpy road. A lot of phone calls, etc.
She lives in NY city, me a small town in CT. we'd been dating for 8 months, and she broke it off because she's starting a trade school in which she goes straight from 9-5 every day, and has to spend her free time studying. She didn't even see her own mom on a daily basis, and she said she didn't want to string me along with me expecting to see her if she didn't have any free time. It hurts, and it sucks, but I do respect the way she did it. She also has a history of domestic infighting, and her dad was abusive, so she worries about her future, told me straight up she was afraid of marriage. But she specified I did nothing wrong, I was a great guy, I took her virginity, and I'm currently the longest relationship she's had. It hurts her too, we both still have feelings for each other and she's not completely opposed to starting up a relationship with me again when it's easier. But in the meantime she encourages me to find somebody closer to home. And now she's one of my best friends, which is still pretty cool, and we talk each other through the breakup and use each other for support.
Don't mean to sound like a dick, but this thread is helpful to me, seeing it could have been way worse off. She didn't die, never cheated on me. Heck, she went to an Aaron Carter concert, and thought I'd be upset when he gave her a cheek kiss. She felt bad when guys hit on her, rather than the other way around. She could never bring herself to cheat.
She lives in NY city, me a small town in CT. we'd been dating for 8 months, and she broke it off because she's starting a trade school in which she goes straight from 9-5 every day, and has to spend her free time studying. She didn't even see her own mom on a daily basis, and she said she didn't want to string me along with me expecting to see her if she didn't have any free time. It hurts, and it sucks, but I do respect the way she did it. She also has a history of domestic infighting, and her dad was abusive, so she worries about her future, told me straight up she was afraid of marriage. But she specified I did nothing wrong, I was a great guy, I took her virginity, and I'm currently the longest relationship she's had. It hurts her too, we both still have feelings for each other and she's not completely opposed to starting up a relationship with me again when it's easier. But in the meantime she encourages me to find somebody closer to home. And now she's one of my best friends, which is still pretty cool, and we talk each other through the breakup and use each other for support.
Don't mean to sound like a dick, but this thread is helpful to me, seeing it could have been way worse off. She didn't die, never cheated on me. Heck, she went to an Aaron Carter concert, and thought I'd be upset when he gave her a cheek kiss. She felt bad when guys hit on her, rather than the other way around. She could never bring herself to cheat.
I went out with one of my really good friends once. I'd just found out that I was a furry and then subsequently that she was too, only she'd been too scared to tell anyone before. Then we just connected on a level I had never seen before.
We were together for a year. We went away for a holiday together and midway through I suddenly just stopped feeling anything for her. It was a horrible feeling because I had no control over it. I waited until the end of our holiday and told her when we got back. She hasn't spoken to me since and that was a couple of years ago.
She lives about 60 miles away so I don't exactly bump into her regularly. But I really miss her and wish we could be friends again. I honestly feel like I broke her trust, which was (obviously) a very strong part of our relationship. She told me things she had never told anyone, not even her super close friends and even though I broke up because continuing would be even worse, I still think she felt betrayed.
The funny thing is, I was making this present for her for our "1 year anniversary" which involved finding a four leaved clover. I hunted high and low for ages before I found a rather weedy but genuine specimen. On our holiday she simply found one by chance in a lay-by when we stopped the car. I was devastated and looking back I kinda see that as the beginning of the end. I'm not normally one for such predetermined nonsense but it was a curious harbinger all the same.
We were together for a year. We went away for a holiday together and midway through I suddenly just stopped feeling anything for her. It was a horrible feeling because I had no control over it. I waited until the end of our holiday and told her when we got back. She hasn't spoken to me since and that was a couple of years ago.
She lives about 60 miles away so I don't exactly bump into her regularly. But I really miss her and wish we could be friends again. I honestly feel like I broke her trust, which was (obviously) a very strong part of our relationship. She told me things she had never told anyone, not even her super close friends and even though I broke up because continuing would be even worse, I still think she felt betrayed.
The funny thing is, I was making this present for her for our "1 year anniversary" which involved finding a four leaved clover. I hunted high and low for ages before I found a rather weedy but genuine specimen. On our holiday she simply found one by chance in a lay-by when we stopped the car. I was devastated and looking back I kinda see that as the beginning of the end. I'm not normally one for such predetermined nonsense but it was a curious harbinger all the same.
Well let me share my most recent brake up with you guys.
After a few months the cracks already started to show in the relationship, up to the point that my trust in her was started to fade. The idiot that I was, I told her what my sexuality is (Bi, which only a handfull of people know) and that I used to like a dude which I hanged out with a few years ago which I shouldn't have done. Fast forwarding a few months, our relationship came to the point of not holding out anymore and she tried to manipulate me, trying to prevent me from breaking up with her that "everything will be allright, I still love you" nonsence while she started to see another dude.
On the evening that I broke up with her after getting tired of her lies (which was at a concert) she thought it would be funny to scream out (almost litteraly) what my sexuality is and about the dude I liked, who was a few metres away from us.
She's thought that saying sorry and such would help, after she found out it didn't she started to guild trip me which also didn't work. After all that nonsence she started to lie about me behind my back, which I found out via some of her friends.
This is actually the first time I'm so open about this honestly.
After a few months the cracks already started to show in the relationship, up to the point that my trust in her was started to fade. The idiot that I was, I told her what my sexuality is (Bi, which only a handfull of people know) and that I used to like a dude which I hanged out with a few years ago which I shouldn't have done. Fast forwarding a few months, our relationship came to the point of not holding out anymore and she tried to manipulate me, trying to prevent me from breaking up with her that "everything will be allright, I still love you" nonsence while she started to see another dude.
On the evening that I broke up with her after getting tired of her lies (which was at a concert) she thought it would be funny to scream out (almost litteraly) what my sexuality is and about the dude I liked, who was a few metres away from us.
She's thought that saying sorry and such would help, after she found out it didn't she started to guild trip me which also didn't work. After all that nonsence she started to lie about me behind my back, which I found out via some of her friends.
This is actually the first time I'm so open about this honestly.
You're at high school, brother. Screw looking for relationships, just go for having lots of (safe) sex and a good time.
Now's the time to learn how ladies tick and the best way to do that is to sample many ladies.
Now's the time to learn how ladies tick and the best way to do that is to sample many ladies.
When I started university I was in a relationship that was already past its prime (my own fault) and it disintegrated as a result. Me and my girlfriend-at-the-time, gfatt for short , had broken up a year before this because she was going elsewhere for uni and we didn't think a long distance relationship would work however foolish hormonal teenager that I was I didn't take it well and instead convinced her to give it a go anyway. Needless to say neither of us were happy and a year later when I was starting university it fell apart pretty quickly.
During freshers week I kissed a stranger (scummy I know but in my defense it turned out my hallmates had been spiking my drinks with vodka all night). The next day I felt pretty bad about it so I called my gfatt to tell her and apologise but as it turned out she didn't care. In her own words she wouldn't have cared if I had slept with someone else. Putting aside how suspicious it was that she would be so forgiving abot infidelity (it really didn't fit with her character and she's just had her first year of uni where I know she made several male friends) I pointed out that it suggested maybe we weren't as in love as we (or possibly just I) thought and it unravelled from there. A relationship that had cumulatively covered several years ended via a phonecall in a parking lot.
To add insult to injury I was standing in an empty parking space which not 1, not 2, but 3 different cars went to park in but at the sight of me (I was in tears at this point) drove elsewhere instead. And then even worse within less than a week of this my ex-gfatt was in another relationship which, between hormonal stupidity, pride, and anger that our relationship meant so little to her she could move on so quickly, led to me effecively cutting all contact with her. It's kind of sad since we had been great friends before we got together and up until that point I wanted us to remain friends but I haven't spoken to her since then (3 years ago).
Anyways that's my tale of woe. My own fault in many ways but if nothing else I certainly feel like I learned a hell of a lot from that experience.
, had broken up a year before this because she was going elsewhere for uni and we didn't think a long distance relationship would work however foolish hormonal teenager that I was I didn't take it well and instead convinced her to give it a go anyway. Needless to say neither of us were happy and a year later when I was starting university it fell apart pretty quickly. During freshers week I kissed a stranger (scummy I know but in my defense it turned out my hallmates had been spiking my drinks with vodka all night). The next day I felt pretty bad about it so I called my gfatt to tell her and apologise but as it turned out she didn't care. In her own words she wouldn't have cared if I had slept with someone else. Putting aside how suspicious it was that she would be so forgiving abot infidelity (it really didn't fit with her character and she's just had her first year of uni where I know she made several male friends) I pointed out that it suggested maybe we weren't as in love as we (or possibly just I) thought and it unravelled from there. A relationship that had cumulatively covered several years ended via a phonecall in a parking lot.
To add insult to injury I was standing in an empty parking space which not 1, not 2, but 3 different cars went to park in but at the sight of me (I was in tears at this point) drove elsewhere instead. And then even worse within less than a week of this my ex-gfatt was in another relationship which, between hormonal stupidity, pride, and anger that our relationship meant so little to her she could move on so quickly, led to me effecively cutting all contact with her. It's kind of sad since we had been great friends before we got together and up until that point I wanted us to remain friends but I haven't spoken to her since then (3 years ago).
Anyways that's my tale of woe. My own fault in many ways but if nothing else I certainly feel like I learned a hell of a lot from that experience.
Not that I would tell anyone to stick with someone who's cheating on them, but phrases like "zero-tolerance policy for cheating" and your later actions do kinda make it seem like they might have had a point. You may have had a legitimate grievance, but that doesn't mean you had to handle it that way.ERaptor said:
Could you elaborate? Like i said, i got her home to her parents after the thing and then left. Considering she broke the _one_ thing i told her that would hurt me beyond repair, i think that was the nicer approach.McMullen said:
If you refer to me lashing out later tough. That was after almost a month of constant messages and stalking in general. (Heck, she and her mom showed up where i work!) I didnt really see any other way than telling them to just fu*k off and finally leave me alone. If this qualifies as being a "horrible boyfriend" then indeed i am.
I guess my "that was shitty of her" story was my ex-fiance. We'd been good friends with each other since 6th grade and had been dating for a few years around freshman year of college. I put a down payment on an apartment in another state (that she lived in), and was packed up and ready to move down there to live with her in a week. We got tattoos instead of rings as well. About a week before I was about about to move, I got an e-mail saying that she needed to experiment and enjoy college fully and not tie herself down to one person while all of college was ahead of her or whatever, and to not try and contact her because it would be too painful. I tried anyway, never heard anything back. That was the last communication I ever got from her. The shit part was that I lost a close and dear friend in the process, literally as if two relationships vanished that day.
Buuut, that doesn't matter now. I spent a couple years getting my shit back together (after just as much time breaking it apart), and I met the actual love of my life. We're married and my daughter is going to be born next January. So thank you ex-fiance, your last gesture of friendship was setting me free to end up finding someone who would never just walk away.
On the other end of things, I've only ever broken up with a chick once. We hung out a bit, decided to date for about a week, and that's when I found out she was addicted to psychedelics and totally wanted me to be violent with her. Noooooooope.
Buuut, that doesn't matter now. I spent a couple years getting my shit back together (after just as much time breaking it apart), and I met the actual love of my life. We're married and my daughter is going to be born next January. So thank you ex-fiance, your last gesture of friendship was setting me free to end up finding someone who would never just walk away.
On the other end of things, I've only ever broken up with a chick once. We hung out a bit, decided to date for about a week, and that's when I found out she was addicted to psychedelics and totally wanted me to be violent with her. Noooooooope.
You didn't do anything wrong. If you left her to build a relationship with someone else, fine. Now, if you persued someone ele while you were with her, then that would be a different story, but that's not what happened. She overreacted at the dance, and so did her cousin. You had every right to be there, just the same as her.