I want to ask a girl out

[Stormz]

So I've liked this girl quite a while now. We sit together in English and sat together in accounting last semester so we did talk a bit. I've developed a pretty big crush, so much so it's actually becoming detrimental to my life. I'm angst ridden about a lot of things, some valid some trivial and I really don't want something like this bringing me down more. I want to ask her out and get it over with, but I have many concerns. I'm a huge nerd and I don't exactly have a lot of confidence. I've spent the vast majority of my High School life without friends and this alone could determine her answer (though I think I already know it) She's a social butterfly really, and I'm the complete opposite (Not intentionally) so I wonder if that could even work out in the end even if she said yes.

So I'm asking for advice, but also stories. If you have any experiences to share it could help me a lot. Good or bad I want to read them.

 

[Palfreyfish]

Going to be blunt here, don't try and be romantic or inventive or whatever about it unless you're absolutely 100% sure it'll work, and even then, don't bother. The friendzone is non-existent, it's used by butthurt guys who think that they should get something in return for being nice to a girl.

My advice, ask her out to a movie or something, and go from there, but again, don't be really sappy about it, just be all 'Hey, want to come and see FILM X with me this weekend?'

You might think it's hard, but it's really not. Lack of confidence is a non issue, just slip the invite into casual conversation. If you have her number, just text her one day and ask. After the first few films she'll hopefully get the hint...

P.s, what do you think she'll say?

quoting to alert you

 

[Stormz]

Going to be blunt here, don't try and be romantic or inventive or whatever about it unless you're absolutely 100% sure it'll work, and even then, don't bother. The friendzone is non-existent, it's used by butthurt guys who think that they should get something in return for being nice to a girl.

My advice, ask her out to a movie or something, and go from there, but again, don't be really sappy about it, just be all 'Hey, want to come and see FILM X with me this weekend?'

You might think it's hard, but it's really not. Lack of confidence is a non issue, just slip the invite into casual conversation. If you have her number, just text her one day and ask. After the first few films she'll hopefully get the hint...

P.s, what do you think she'll say?

quoting to alert you

I think she'd say no. I haven't seen her show any form of interest in me at all. We talk during class and maybe say hi in the hallway and that's the extent of it. Plus once again I'm not a social butterfly like her.

Thanks for the advice, I'm trying to build myself up to it and I know it isn't nearly as hard as it seems but it's getting past that feeling of it being impossible.

 

[Palfreyfish]

Well you never know, she might agree to going to a film with you, and if she does, excellent, and if she doesn't, give up and move on. Most people are nice enough not to say no to going to a film, so she'll probably go with you.

And I should really take my own advice >.> Ah well, such is life

I think she'd say no. I haven't seen her show any form of interest in me at all. We talk during class and maybe say hi in the hallway and that's the extent of it. Plus once again I'm not a social butterfly like her.

Thanks for the advice, I'm trying to build myself up to it and I know it isn't nearly as hard as it seems but it's getting past that feeling of it being impossible.

 

[BloatedGuppy]

So I've liked this girl quite a while now. We sit together in English and sat together in accounting last semester so we did talk a bit. I've developed a pretty big crush, so much so it's actually becoming detrimental to my life. I'm angst ridden about a lot of things, some valid some trivial and I really don't want something like this bringing me down more. I want to ask her out and get it over with, but I have many concerns. I'm a huge nerd and I don't exactly have a lot of confidence. I've spent the vast majority of my High School life without friends and this alone could determine her answer (though I think I already know it) She's a social butterfly really, and I'm the complete opposite (Not intentionally) so I wonder if that could even work out in the end even if she said yes.

So I'm asking for advice, but also stories. If you have any experiences to share it could help me a lot. Good or bad I want to read them.

You need to just bite the bullet and ask her out, and for gods sake try not to be so defeatist about it. If you walk around thinking like this you're going to die a thousand deaths before the actual one. The absolute worst thing that can happen is she'll say no, and being told "no" by a girl you've asked out isn't nearly as calamitous as you've come to imagine it is. It's going to happen to you throughout your life. The sooner you accept this and get accustomed to it, the less momentous you'll consider it, and the less you'll let it paralyze you.

Now, you're mentioning that you have no friends. And that's concerning on a couple of levels. It means either you do have friends and you don't really notice or appreciate them because they're not the friends you think you should have, or you honestly don't have friends because you're incredibly withdrawn. If it's the former, smarten up. If it's the latter, then walking up to the girl you've been crushing on for a year and asking her out for a coffee or a film is some next level shit and you're probably going to balk.

But I cannot drive this point home enough. The only way to get more confidence in your ability to do something is to do it. Yes, being shot down is embarrassing, and it hurts your pride, and you'll feel like a big twat for putting yourself out there. You know what's worse? Never asking anyone out, and being alone for so long you develop a serious complex. One is a brief humiliation, the other is a problem that can haunt you for your entire life. At some point, you really just need to hold your breath and jump into that cold looking water.

I was a pretty nerdy, awkward kid, too. I had very few friends, and I definitely did not mingle with the "cool" cliques. Eventually, I just got sick of being lonely, and I asked out the girl *I* had been crushing on for a year, and naturally I made a complete prat of myself and she said no and it was a great raging humiliation and I cursed the heavens. But, y'know, I got over it, and I'm still friends with that girl, and it made asking the next girl out easier, and I ended up dating that girl for three years. And now I'm at the point where all the little romantic humiliations I've suffered over my life time don't really bug me any more, they're just funny stories. I feel much worse about the times *I* turned down girls who were interested in *me*. That crippling lack of confidence doesn't last forever. You just need to accept that dating is a bit of a rollercoaster and take the lows to get to the highs.

So just soldier up and ask that girl out. And if she says no, have your moment to sulk, but don't go beating yourself up about it. Because you sacked up and asked out the girl you were crushing on for a year. That took balls. You are now a guy who asks out girls who he is interested in. And sooner or later, one of those girls will say yes, and then Bob's your uncle.

If you already have an uncle named Bob, you can disregard that last bit.

Good luck!

 

[Stormz]

Snip

I have some friends now, but only two and they aren't close friends. One I only hang out with in class and the other I have a little more contact with but I'm not a normal Teenaged male. I don't have this big large group of friends and I don't go around talking to tons of people. I have a social anxiety disorder which creates a very big barrier that prevents me from doing that. Of course I should say that I DID have a pretty large group of friends that I grew up with but I moved from my home province and have never really recovered so to speak.

The advice is really good and I completely agree with you. I do make it seem worse then it is, but doesn't everyone do that? I've never asked a girl out in my whole life and I'm almost 18 years old. Maybe waiting so long and never pursuing the person I liked made it way worse. I certainly feel weird that I've never even gone on a date and I'm almost a legal adult. I'm so used to backing out of things because it's uncomfortable that its become a normal thing for me.

I'm sitting here all pent up with anxiety over something insignificant. I want to ask her tomorrow so I'm a jittery mess right now but if I can convince myself it'll go away if I just take the plunge I could just do it. God it's hard as hell. There's 12 year old's with more confidence in this then me ahaha. Your story has helped me out with that a bit. If I can do it I'll update this thread with what happened.

 

[BloatedGuppy]

I have some friends now, but only two and they aren't close friends. One I only hang out with in class and the other I have a little more contact with but I'm not a normal Teenaged male. I don't have this big large group of friends and I don't go around talking to tons of people. I have a social anxiety disorder which creates a very big barrier that prevents me from doing that. Of course I should say that I DID have a pretty large group of friends that I grew up with but I moved from my home province and have never really recovered so to speak.

The advice is really good and I completely agree with you. I do make it seem worse then it is, but doesn't everyone do that? I've never asked a girl out in my whole life and I'm almost 18 years old. Maybe waiting so long and never pursuing the person I liked made it way worse. I certainly feel weird that I've never even gone on a date and I'm almost a legal adult. I'm so used to backing out of things because it's uncomfortable that its become a normal thing for me.

I'm sitting here all pent up with anxiety over something insignificant. I want to ask her tomorrow so I'm a jittery mess right now but if I can convince myself it'll go away if I just take the plunge I could just do it. God it's hard as hell. There's 12 year old's with more confidence in this then me ahaha. Your story has helped me out with that a bit. If I can do it I'll update this thread with what happened.

Not having a "big large group of friends" is not uncommon and nothing to be alarmed about, especially if you're not an extrovert. Some people only go through life with a few close friends. As you get older, friends get harder to make and take more work to keep. I wouldn't worry about it.

As for the anxiety, that's totally normal. Of course you're anxious. It's nerve wracking. But it's not going to kill you. Remember that at the end of the day, she's just a girl you like. Even if she says no, there will be other girls you like, and they're not all gonna say no.

PS - 18 really isn't that old. I was 17 when I got my first serious girlfriend. I've got a friend who didn't date until he was at university. If you still haven't asked a girl out by the time you're 28, then you should feel a hint of concern. Right now? Totally normal.

 

[Stormz]

I have some friends now, but only two and they aren't close friends. One I only hang out with in class and the other I have a little more contact with but I'm not a normal Teenaged male. I don't have this big large group of friends and I don't go around talking to tons of people. I have a social anxiety disorder which creates a very big barrier that prevents me from doing that. Of course I should say that I DID have a pretty large group of friends that I grew up with but I moved from my home province and have never really recovered so to speak.

The advice is really good and I completely agree with you. I do make it seem worse then it is, but doesn't everyone do that? I've never asked a girl out in my whole life and I'm almost 18 years old. Maybe waiting so long and never pursuing the person I liked made it way worse. I certainly feel weird that I've never even gone on a date and I'm almost a legal adult. I'm so used to backing out of things because it's uncomfortable that its become a normal thing for me.

I'm sitting here all pent up with anxiety over something insignificant. I want to ask her tomorrow so I'm a jittery mess right now but if I can convince myself it'll go away if I just take the plunge I could just do it. God it's hard as hell. There's 12 year old's with more confidence in this then me ahaha. Your story has helped me out with that a bit. If I can do it I'll update this thread with what happened.

Not having a "big large group of friends" is not uncommon and nothing to be alarmed about, especially if you're not an extrovert. Some people only go through life with a few close friends. As you get older, friends get harder to make and take more work to keep. I wouldn't worry about it.

As for the anxiety, that's totally normal. Of course you're anxious. It's nerve wracking. But it's not going to kill you. Remember that at the end of the day, she's just a girl you like. Even if she says no, there will be other girls you like, and they're not all gonna say no.

PS - 18 really isn't that old. I was 17 when I got my first serious girlfriend. I've got a friend who didn't date until he was at university. If you still haven't asked a girl out by the time you're 28, then you should feel a hint of concern. Right now? Totally normal.

What I need to do is find a good point where I can do it. Unfortunately the only time I can catch her without her friends around is in the morning when we're in English, but if I tell her I want to talk to her after class she'll either know exactly what I'm going to say already or ask why. I wouldn't have an answer for why because I don't want to have an audience, especially not with people I have to spend the rest of the year with.

I know 18 isn't really that old, but in today's society it can be hard not to feel out of place when it's completely normal for a person to have had dating experience before they're even teens. I've definitely heard of people that have waited that long to date, hell some 40 year old's have never dated. I would really like to avoid that haha.

 

[BloatedGuppy]

What I need to do is find a good point where I can do it. Unfortunately the only time I can catch her without her friends around is in the morning when we're in English, but if I tell her I want to talk to her after class she'll either know exactly what I'm going to say already or ask why. I wouldn't have an answer for why because I don't want to have an audience, especially not with people I have to spend the rest of the year with.

Try to make the invitation as casual as possible. Don't attach a lot of pomp and ceremony to it...there's no need to issue an invitation to a conversation wherein you issue an invitation. Asking someone out takes < 10 seconds. Presumably you've already got a time and activity in mind? (And if not, you should). "I was wondering if you wanted to go to X with me on Y". Like ripping off a band aid. Resist the urge to color the invitation with self-deprecation or defeatism. Act like you're inviting her to do something fun she's sure to enjoy. Since you almost certainly will not be FEELING confident, you're gonna have to fake it.

And most importantly, if she says no, be polite and respectful and shrug it off. Don't run off howling or call her a name or act like you just got stabbed. You can curse the fates later in the privacy of your abode.

Conversely, if she says yes, do try to keep an even keel. This is not a sprint, this is a marathon. A first date is the starter's pistol, not the finish line.

 

[Scionxa19]

I don't necessarily recommend the movies. I have had few of those filled with awkward moments. I would say ask her if she would like to hang some time and if she does say yes, then go to the mall or a park or somewhere that is interactive. Less likly to have those dreaded awkward silences.

 

[Stormz]

What I need to do is find a good point where I can do it. Unfortunately the only time I can catch her without her friends around is in the morning when we're in English, but if I tell her I want to talk to her after class she'll either know exactly what I'm going to say already or ask why. I wouldn't have an answer for why because I don't want to have an audience, especially not with people I have to spend the rest of the year with.

Try to make the invitation as casual as possible. Don't attach a lot of pomp and ceremony to it...there's no need to issue an invitation to a conversation wherein you issue an invitation. Asking someone out takes < 10 seconds. Presumably you've already got a time and activity in mind? (And if not, you should). "I was wondering if you wanted to go to X with me on Y". Like ripping off a band aid. Resist the urge to color the invitation with self-deprecation or defeatism. Act like you're inviting her to do something fun she's sure to enjoy. Since you almost certainly will not be FEELING confident, you're gonna have to fake it.

And most importantly, if she says no, be polite and respectful and shrug it off. Don't run off howling or call her a name or act like you just got stabbed. You can curse the fates later in the privacy of your abode.

Conversely, if she says yes, do try to keep an even keel. This is not a sprint, this is a marathon. A first date is the starter's pistol, not the finish line.

I appreciate the advice. I'm still having doubt about it. I know myself, I can't say for sure if I'll still do it. I could be standing there ready to get it over with and back down. I'll try to keep everything you've said in mind when the time comes. Even if I can't I'll still update the thread.

 

[valkeminator]

Snip

My reply has probably been said times and times again, the "movies" is one possible option of course, I use that option quite a lot to varying degree of success and failures but it generally works.



Still, yes I suppose you could use a little bit of biting the bullet but as mentioned, don't go too far with it, just be cool, be casual.

Here's some of my advice:

Edit: First, its okay to be a nerd, I spent most of my time in front of a computer, wasting my time away on games, and escapist, 9gag, etc. In fact-- I felt its an advantage-- which in turn can be used as a "weapon of wit", and curiosity. If you got straight A's -- "free tutoring lessons" route is open. Alternatively : if you know a lot about stuff people don't know, such as the world or trivia -- that can be a good ice breaker if done properly and suit the person's interest. Make use of your knowledge that you have to your advantage.

Have you got her number or social network contacts? that's probably another step you'd want to do beforehand -- if you are going out with her, you will need her number first and foremost. Otherwise, it will be awkward if one of you ended up being unable to let the other know of the situation at the D-Day. It can even go as simple as to "where should we meet?" and "where are you?".

But, you can "test the water" first if you'd like to before asking her out. Try asking her to have a lunch with you, break time should be fine and then have a nice conversation and at some point there, try asking if she is interested. Just say, "hey want to see X on the weekend with me?" should be enough.

How close are you to her? Another option is try to be a bit witty with how you converse with her, sure this one will be like telling a nasty joke in front of everyone and hope they all love it as opposed to grossed out, but the chance of success will be high if done properly. I know I did threw a suggestive joke for the class one day and got full grade because of the element of surprise. If you have her social networks (msn/skype/facebook,etc) it should be a lot easier to say as you're not directly with her in person (if you're the shy kind of person). But point is, Flirt! see if she plays along. If she does then you have a slightly better chance, if not... well... things can be dicey but it can be worth it since you'll immediately know if she is interested or not -- You have nothing to lose if you think about it.

Most importantly, BE YOURSELF. All the advice given, should only be attempted IF it does fit with who you are. Having a drastic sudden change will not only make yourself uneasy and uncomfortable, but also she will be like... "huh he changed so suddenly? that's weird." If she really is interested in you, then doesn't matter how you see yourself, because she is interested in the same person who you have been to her (not sure if I worded that properly. brain dead and depressed myself). Be yourself! No need to play it Hollywood really.

All the best! I hope this helps.

 

[Stormz]

haven't been able to do it yet so far. I'm still thinking it over. Just a little update on that.

 

[Liberator XIII]

I've never asked a girl out in my whole life and I'm almost 18 years old.

Normal. I'm 19 and I've never asked anyone out! I've made 1, possibly 2, people think I've asked them out but I was only asking them to do something as a friend, which they took as a date. Both rejected me, by the way. Bear that in mind when reading this - most advice is from a guy with zero actual dating experience, and the rest is second-hand experience from a girl with 1 (albeit phenomenally successful) relationship. Don't take it as gospel.

Now, the girl I just mentioned is one I asked to a gig as a friend, but she rejected me on the grounds of having a boyfriend. Since then (November) we've become absolute best of friends, and she mentioned that her boyfriend is her first, they've been dating for five years and they have very little in common - she does AI at University, likes quantum mechanics, is very shy and seems to suffer from pretty strong self-esteem issues. He, on the other hand (from her description) does history at his Uni, loves art and literature and is currently editing a radio show, as well as having tons of friends and being extremely outgoing.

The point of that was while they have stuff in common, for example they love walking, they didn't know that when they started going out. She's shy like you, he's outgoing like your crush. Five years in their first relationship though. They made it work, and I'm sure you can too.

Another bit of advice she gave me was, summed up, "Be friends before you go out together." I suspect, however that if you're unconfident and she's unwilling that'll be very difficult, from personal experience. I recommend trying to get a bit of time alone to chat to her if you can, but don't ask her out. Just keep talking to her whenever you can for a long time - I'm talking weeks, months even.

Eventually you should be able to gauge her feelings for you better, if you're lucky. I wasn't when I tried. If that's the case, or you can't talk to her alone for long, invite her to something as a friend . This might sound manipulative and horrible - but hope that she mistakes it for asking her on a date. That's what inadvertently happened to me as I mentioned, and I couldn't be happier with the result. Don't actually ask her on a date, it'll be (possibly literally) hundreds of times harder for you if you think of it that way. Depending on your confidence, just do something small, like a timewaster activity (Wanna go to x now?), or preferably ask her if she wants to go with you for a gig or something. That's the sort of stuff friends do, right? If she says no, I imagine she'll say if she thinks you're not good enough friends yet. If she doesn't like you hopefully she'll outright say so, but if she doesn't say why not it's likely she's implicitly rejecting you, thinking it's a date. Likely, but not certain. If you feel confident enough, probe into that a little - get a straight answer.

If she agrees, don't assume she thought it was a date - either way it'll help a lot. Don't make any moves or anything, if she does then bonus! If not, assume she thought it was a friendly activity and do it again! Surely you'll enjoy being with her even if it isn't romantic, and hopefully she'll grow to like you in the meantime.

Even if it doesn't work out in the end, you have rejection experience! And that is one thing I do know about. It helps your confidence, trust me. You'll feel like shit for a while, but eventually come out of it feeling more confident than ever! You won't care as much about rejection and be much more able to ask another girl out! It may not actually come to fruition, as in my case there's no-one I really want to ask out, but I'm ready when the time comes.

Best of luck to you buddy

 

[Sirron Kcuch]

Okay, since I am in the same situation as you, I'd start asking her something simple, such as: "Hey, I've left some books in X, or I'm going to take a coffe at Y, wanna come?" The key is asking for something really casual,, then you can move on to asking her out. Otherwise it would be too sudden for her.

If she rejects, hey, you did quite well at least

 

[Svenparty]

Planning these things is not a very good idea, Just ask her how she feels about you etc and you should be able to tell if you should make the plan. Just be sure it's what you want as well that you enjoy her company that much over a night because you are risking not speaking to her again.

 

[jobu59749]

I've been in your scenario. I was a sophmore in high school. Asked this girl out that I liked. Simply put, she said she didn't have feelings beyond being friends. There are lot of fish in the sea and if you get turned down you should let it deter you from the possibility. Some people don't find others that they can have a relationship with until they get out of high school. College is a whole different ball game with the variety of women that are there. You either take a chance or you don't. It's a simple decision to act. It's not the end of the world if she turns you down. I was very much like you. I only had 3 friends at any given time, didn't mingle with my classmates, bit of a social derilect. Nothing wrong with that, but you have to make a choice at some point in your life to take chances and know that there is a possibility things may not work out in your favor. Learn from those experiences rather than let those experience deter you from future hope.

 

[Ectoplasmicz]

Confidence is key here esse.

What you need to do is pump yourself up, first you need to convince yourself that you are awesome. This is actually quite simple, just focus on your positive qualities, even blow them out of proportion, just keep reminding yourself of those points because as far as you're concerned, they're absolutely true. You're a god damned beast, the stud supreme, she should by begging to be your amante, compadre.

Basic psychology, humans will believe anything if they're told it enough times, even if it's by yourself and you know you're BSing.

Focus on grooming, make sure you dress casually but in an attractive manner, make sure your hair is awesome, find a style that suits you and stick with it, and once you get that confidence up, start talking to her. Be friendly, but don't hover all over her, and most importantly, don't let her be your friend, you're not interested in being her friend, you want something more, it's all or nothing, that's how it works.

Don't let your social awkwardness hold you back, real men act like they don't give a damn what others think about them. I'm a bit awkward, I do silly things, and you know what I do, just walk it off, I don't care and that lessens the impact. My voice cracks, clear my throat and move on; I mumble something incoherent, did I just say that, hey let's have a laugh at my social awkwardness, it's cool.

This is excellent, excellent advice. From my experience, girls seem to react positively to confidence. Just tell yourself youre great, pump yourself up and go for it!