"I wish people would stop hitting on me" - What it actually means, and why it is still insulting.

[Rawne1980]

Used to have women come on to me a lot especially in my army days.

Got a nice big ring now that puts *most* women off.

I say most because I still run into odd ones that like to go for married men. Had myself a couple of stalker types over the years too.


Gotta admit though, never minded being hit on. Makes a man feel wanted and it saved me a lot of effort quite a few times.

Plus I like being good looking ..... and modest.

 

[lacktheknack]

There's a difference between what you do for strangers:

<opens door, glances back, holds it open, continues forward when the person behind reaches the doorframe>

...what you do for friends:

<opens door, steps through and to the side, makes eye contact to the other person until they step through>

...and what you do for people you're flirting with:

<opens door, says "After you!", smiles broadly, stand to the side as they step through the door>

Subtleties change everything.

OT: Never really thought about it that way. Huh. I'll remember that in the unlikely event I end up flirting in a club somewhere.

But just because you do the last one doesn't mean you are flirting with someone, or want to flirt with someone - which was the implication.

I do the last one all the time for people I don't know, and no one has thought anything more about it. It's not a tactic anymore than being a polite person is a tactic to flirt with or pre-empt flirting.

People miss subtleties all the time, subtleties are ambiguous, and unless there's cause to look for subtleties people aren't going to do it. Suggesting that the difference between being "polite" and being "flirty" is "After you!" paired with a smile baffles me. Both are polite, but because you're interested in the person for the second case (and have hopefully alerted them to that), she's/he's paying extra attention to your politeness.

Body language should be noted, though. It's almost terrifying how efficiently the women I talk to can figure out my intentions entirely based off of what pose I adopt at any given moment. You also have to factor in facial expression, context, and the like. I have no doubt that there is a "flirty" way to hold a door open that will be unmistakable to anyone behind you.

It's all semantics, though. The point is Lilani's comment about polite gestures being possibly flirty is correct.

 

[Playful Pony]

Nobody ever hits on me, but I've never felt ugly until this thread Oo. Haha, well maybe not ugly... Most people I'm sure are not very pleased with at least parts of what they look like.

I don't know... Among my friends at least there seems to be this asumption that women will look good. If a woman doesn't look good, they sit around mocking her all night. I hate listening to that... Well, they are not that close friends really, I wouldn't even call them friends to be honest. They are people that my friends hang out with when they go out, so I end up hanging out with them... But people making fun of other people makes me uncomfortable, I dont like that! At the same time all the guys will stare at the beautiful women and make sleazy remarks about them, and suddenly I'm glad I'm not her... I don't mind my kinda unclean skin, scuffy hair and lack of carefully applied makeup when I see what kind of attention having all those things in order get! At the same time, ugly guys don't get the same attention. Well... Guys in general don't get much attention from the sasuage fest that I call my social circle, there's like me and one other female in that group.

TL;DR: Read my damn post if you want to know, I don't do these things Oo.

 

[James Joseph Emerald]

...and what you do for people you're flirting with:

<opens door, says "After you!", smiles broadly, stand to the side as they step through the door>

Subtleties change everything.

You forgot the brisk slap on the arse as they walk past.


Anyway, I don't think it's a fear of being raped that makes some people (particularly women) uncomfortable with being hit on. It's the way some people (particularly men) do the flirting.

Generally, when a guy is hit on it boils down to "you're charming and cool and I like you."
When a girl is hit on it tends to boil down to "I want to use your body to satisfy my urges."

 

[Realitycrash]

Now, we've all experienced someone (usually a girl, but sometimes a guy) go "Oh, damn, it's so annoying that people always hit on me when I go to pubs/parties, I wish they would stop", etc.

Whether it's a male or a female making such a statement I interpret it in one of two ways:

1) Either the person is fishing for something similar from me/dropping a hint that they want me to hit on them

OR

2) They're complaining that the "wrong" people are hitting on them.

In my experience if the person being hit on is experiencing something that crosses over into stalker-ish territory then they're not usually using words like "hit on" they're using words like: creepy, creeped out, etc.

Complaining that the "wrong" people are hitting on them is possibly even more insulting, as far as I am concerned.
"Oh no, not only am I too good for all these people that want me, but I must make sure everyone else knows that I am too good for them!"

 

[wulf3n]

I was incredulous when a male friend was like 'Well they are self concious too they just want people to say they are pretty' :| yeah that's exactly what you do when you are self concious post pictures of yourself non stop...

Meh, I guess everything seems different depending on who you are including the OP's reasoning.

I think I agree with your friend.

From my experience there's 2 different types of self-consciousness. Those that are afraid of what people may think, and those that require the validation of others to feel like they matter.

 

[SciMal]

Body language should be noted, though. It's almost terrifying how efficiently the women I talk to can figure out my intentions entirely based off of what pose I adopt at any given moment. You also have to factor in facial expression, context, and the like. I have no doubt that there is a "flirty" way to hold a door open that will be unmistakable to anyone behind you.

It's all semantics, though. The point is Lilani's comment about polite gestures being possibly flirty is correct.

Except she didn't say that it could be flirty. She said use it to START flirting. As-in, in place of offering a hug when the other person says, "It's freezing in here!" Read her post. The way suggests using it is not flirting.

 

[Stasisesque]

I jumped from one relationship into another, from my late teens into my mid twenties - I spent the majority of that time thinking all of those women who moaned about being hit on all the time were either trying to make me jealous, or lying to make themselves feel better.

Then I was single for over a year.

The amount of attention I got was overwhelming, and not all of it was pleasant. The last time I'd experienced anything similar was in my teens, having to battle hormonal, and often cruel, boys whilst competing with equally hormonal, and equally cruel, girls. I had assumed once one reached their adult years all of that would calm down - but I hadn't factored in alcohol.

Every night out was the same, and while it was pretty uplifting at first, it soon became a chore. The problem wasn't so much the guys hoping to get laid - but the fact I had no interest in any single one of them (okay, not entirely true, lots of attractive men out there but my confidence wasn't great back then). It's like craving chocolate cake and the shop only stocking victoria sponge. So while people may lack tact when they moan about how much attention they're receiving, the majority are genuinely fed up, or even upset with it. Sensitivity goes out of the window when they are the ones who think you're being insensitive.

 

[Moonlight Butterfly]

snip

I think they just know they are pretty and want to show off and guys give them a free pass because they are cute but meh, what do I know.

 

[Risingblade]

Makes sense, since most men could overpower most females.

 

[AngloDoom]

While I think you bring an interesting perspective to the topic (and it's very refreshing I must say) I'm not entirely convinced that these same women are always fearful of being physically overpowered.
Half the girls I know who complain about being flirted with are also the type of girls who will quite happily waltz up to a guy and get abusive if they're hitting on them and they don't like the attention. I've even had to point out to them that they may well get punched in the face if they act violent to someone and they responded with a "Oh yeah" as if it hadn't occurred to them that being abusive to strangers might earn you a punch in the face.

Really, these said girls were often the types who would go to extreme lengths to gather male attention and then, afterwards, would 'complain' about how they get so much attention, while dancing about in lingerie and grinding against each other in the centre of the dance floor in a club full of drunk students. I do not believe for a second that anyone is stupid enough not to think the two are somehow connected.

That's my anecdotal view on things anyway, but I may well be wrong.

 

[Charli]

I have never 'complained' about it. To anyone.

Doesn't mean I like it though. If I ever go out it's usually dragged by some friend who through brute force has gotten me to dress in some of their girly clothing and I'm usually unfriendly enough to repel most people. But damn if I haven't had some aggressive experiences and jerks who just wouldn't take a hint.

So no. I won't moan about it in public or even to any friends, but I still find it uncomfortable, and if you find that baffling well...I'm sorry? I don't like attention, somehow it still permeates whatever dark corner I try to hide in somehow. I don't try, I don't moan about it, most of the older ladies in my life tell me I should be grateful. But the first time you get some aggressive foreign man and his group corner you with your friend half way across the room? Yeah, you freak out a little bit. Because that situation could potentially lead to a situation I'm not able to deal with, to put it lightly.


I know who you really mean, those 'tragic' types who sigh forlornly about how terrible it is to be the center of attention all the while powdering their nose and adjusting their hair. Yeah I know, fuck those people. But... yes, there are some of us who are genuinely repulsed by such forward advances by strangers. It makes me very very uncomfortable and usually ends up ruining my night. Not that I really like nights out to begin with... they're so ... draining.

 

[Nantucket_v1legacy]

I am not ugly but I'm neither ugly so I can twist a few of my male friends arms and get them to treat me to a few drinks or so.

I have never experienced a large amount of attention from the opposite sex so I cannot comment on how this would feel accurately, but from what you have said I can understand the fear with some girls.
The drop dead gorgeous girls do tend to be stick thin so probably could not hold their own if even a man of average size tried to have his way with her.

I have never liked how some girls claim "if they dress like that/look like that then they had it coming". If they have it then flaunt it I say but be careful where you flaunt it. If you lead a guy on then chances are he's going to be pissed if you try to swan on by and some men (and women) can be dodgy assholes.

I don't think there is any other way for a beautiful person to say they dislike being beautiful? Perhaps they should be careful about who they say it to but I don't feel too jealous personally when it happens to me.

I wouldn't want to be beautiful though. I hate commitment past flirting and although I'd love the presents... what's a pretty face end of the day? I'll stick to being slightly overweight and nerdy.

 

[chadachada123]

I...Hm. OP, you make an insanely large amount of sense. I have seriously never thought about this before, and now have a topic of discussion for the next guy or girl that says this.

I've definitely come a long way in the "not being awkward" department, and would never act in the way that the guy Lilani described, but I can imagine a time during high school where I may have given a girl the totally wrong vibe.

 

[General Vagueness]

Then I realized something.
What most likely bothers women is not being hit on, but the feeling of being almost stalked. It's the creepy factor that there's always someone looking at you, trying to get something from you, and the knowledge that deep inside, they as women were probably not strong enough to prevent them if they should feel like trying to take something by force.
I'm a rather big guy, and when a girl steps over the line (i.e starts groping me) I tend to physically grab said women hard by the arm and give her a good eye-to-eye stare, clearly saying "No."
And that is that.
Women..Well, they can try, but most guys tend to be a whole lot bigger
So what I'm trying to say here is that I think these complaints are not about the given affection, but by feeling somewhat stalked and uneasy.

Now, if this is true, then I can understand. However, then I wish these people would phrase themselves better than "Oh it's so annoying to be this beautiful". Because to most people, it's still insulting.

I'd like to know where your statement most people find it insulting comes from-- how many people did you poll? what kind of demographic weighting did you do? what percentage qualifies as "most"?
Anyway, fear and being creeped out aren't the only reasons people wouldn't like it. Part of it is the "the grass is always greener on the other side" effect. Mostly though, it turns out anything that makes it so you can't blend into a crowd, and be more or less ignored if you want to be, is frustrating, sometimes very frustrating, and that includes being attractive.

 

[Madgamer13]

Greets!

Curious thoughts you have brought forward, Realitycrash. I've experienced this from a different angle though. Quite a few women in my area, that I have met, tend to be the type that seek not love or companionship, but material wealth and status. In the rare case that they do not seek these things, they are usually horrendously broken and seek 'fixing'

So, when I have a lovely lady who approaches me and complains about how people keep on hitting on her, my warning bells go off immediately. Such lines being used in the past have usually been the prelude to these women looking to force flirty responses from myself, which are very, very hard to coax out of me at the best of times.

Thankfully, I am an odd being that is only really in his element at distance, so my strange responses to someone trying to get close usually 'turn off' anyone who attempts such a foolish venture. There have been a few times where ladies attempting to get closer to me havn't been put off by my behaviour or preferred expenditure of my free time, but every single and I absolutely mean every single lady who tolerated me as a person to this particular stage had ulterior motives for trying to catch my eye.

The most usual of reasons is the 'nice guy' (Yes, I've been decribed in these very words by many a lady) visage that they gravitate to, wishing to turn me into a phone-a-friend to shoulder all their burdens. While speaking of yourself to me doesn't really bother me, expecting me to take responsability for what you have told me just irritates me, sorry ladies.

Then come the really dangerous individuals, who have real problems that hinder them living their lives, who turn to me and dump the entirety of the weight of these issues expecting me to use my so called 'nice guy-ness' to 'fix' them.

*sigh*

When someone whines to me about how they keep getting attention from people they dont want attention from, I just think to myself; 'Did they think that I wanted this attention, which they are now lavishing on me?'

Pah, two way street with a one way double standard, this kind of balls makes me hypocritical as hell.

 

[Total LOLige]

snip

If winking isn't creepy then I'd say add a wink to the flirty door holding. There are probably better ways of letting people know that you're interested though.

 

[Hollyday]

I'd agree to that, but then we'd talk insane levels of attractive. The levels that only garner two responses: Violent jealousy, or a blatant need to possess.
With such levels, one can have a real hard time having a genuine friend, or working relationship, or a boy/girlfriend, since it will always be tainted by jealousy or hidden agendas.
But these people are very, very few. Most people are simply just "beautiful", and it is far more benefiting than being "plain" or "ugly".

I agree with your point to a certain extent, but I think it depends greatly on the circumstances. I would point you in the direction of the genius Flight of the Conchords song 'Most beautiful girl in the room'.

Spoiler

Beauty is very subjective, and if you're the prettiest girl in a group of girls then you're going to get unwanted attention that may be disproportionate to your real level of 'beauty'.

As to whether 'beautiful' people have an easier life, there are pros and cons. Research shows that moderately attractive people can get ahead in life, but I really like the fact that I'm judged on my personality, actions and intelligence rather than my looks. I find that my more 'good-looking' friends have had some seriously bad relationships, harassment, instances of not being taken seriously because of their looks, and I don't have to worry about those things. I wouldn't change that for anything.

Edit: apologies for any spelling mistakes - quite drunk

 

[DementedSheep]

Well I don?t generally go around complaining to everyone about how I wish people would stop hitting on me (I don't get hit on that often anyway), I think a lot of the people who do this all the time are just trying to boast without coming across as arrogant...but I don?t like it when people hit on me.

What you described is part of it especially since I?ve I had problems with obsessive guys before and it?s made me a bit paranoid but it's not the only reason.

I?m not interested in a relationship or casual sex and I really really hate having to reject people because it awkward, makes me feel like a ***** and I never know how they are going to react.
I?m generally pretty quiet and not very social. I don?t like being the centre of attention even if it?s positive attention, it always makes me feel like I?m being judged (which is kind of stupid) especially since a lot of people seem to assume because I?m quiet I?m hiding some hidden depth or some shit. I find talking to people I don?t know awkward enough let alone someone who is hitting on me and I don?t really know how to respond to compliments.

It?s weird...sometimes I actually like dressing up and trying to make myself look sexy but if I get attention for it, even from attractive guys it just creeps me out. I don't like feeling like I'm being judge on my looks rather than my personality either, it just makes me feel terrible.

Being hit on just makes me panic and is the last thing I want to deal with when I?m just hanging out with friends trying to have a good time or minding my own business.