I'm the creepy ex-boyfriend

[Chairman Miaow]

Cruelty incoming: You were used, get over it. Obsessing is helping nobody. This is a relationship that never was. You were never her boyfriend. You probably barely know the real her.

But none of that matters. You are not defined by your single/married/dating/whatever status. You are defined by you. You choose who you are. Make yourself the person you want to be, if you want to be buff, get in shape, if you want to be confident, find a way. To quote the great lord Flasheart. If you want something, take it.

In a more practical sense, if you want a meaningful relationship, you need to learn to respect yourself. If you don't, why would anyone else? a good place to start would be to make some friends in real life. Even if it's something as simple as just going to a bar and starting a conversation with someone while waiting to be served, or, if you smoke, going out to the smoking area and starting a conversation with someone. Hell, somebody might even start a conversation with you, plenty of people need to bum a light/filtertips/whatever.

 

[aestu]

I don't see the problem here. You obviously still have feelings for this person you had a relationship with. There's nothing creepy or strange about that.

And those who would say that there is are simply evil people looking to demonize the male sex drive and men in general. Why is a man loving a woman creepier than a woman loving a man?

 

[A Weary Exile]

Okay, one thing that is really bothering me in this thread is people telling him to "Respect her choice."

No. Her choices were stupid, insensitive, and done in a way that left our OP here with no closure and it was that lack of closure that led him to act as he did; I've experienced that feeling myself. A person worthy of respect wouldn't have built up all of those weeks of getting to know him, then having him fly out to meet in person, have sex with him a few times, then essentially erase him from her life within a few weeks. I would call it manipulative, but I think it's more a case of just not thinking about the other person involved, only of herself.

She should have:

A) Been clear from the start that all she wanted was a fling when he flew out, not a long-term relationship. She didn't seem to make that clear to the OP over the two months they knew each other.
B) Not gone through with the fling at all.
C) If she had to cut ties with the OP she should have at least given him straight answers as to why she no longer wanted to speak with him before doing so.

If a guy did this to a woman I bet most posters here would call for his head. You don't call someone your "Boyfriend/girlfriend" just so you can fly them out to you, screw them a few times, then attempt to dispose of them and move on to your next fling.

TL; DR Move on, but give respect where it's due. It isn't due here, IMO.

 

[Ernil Menegil]

I am seeing plenty of bile all over the place. Which, I think, is rather sad. It is very easy to condemn and jeer, when experiences such as these really can break even the most strong-willed individuals.

You will read and hear a brick-ton of advice on how to address the issue. The underlying problem of asking for advice to random strangers is that they lack the empathy to understand your situation without judging you beforehand, which leads to misconceptions of the highest order. For instance, you more than likely grew up on media that cemented the attitudes you describe as being the attitudes typical of someone in love with a broken heart. The situation you describe is one I could grab straight from a romantic comedy or drama, where doing this sort of thing is more the norm than the exception and leads on to a merry end. The people calling you a creeper or similar fail to realize that much of our culture breeds these attitudes into all of us, while more than certainly buying into the politically correct rhetoric which comes later on that such is a creeper attitude that automatically turns you into a villain at best, or a sex offender on par with pedophiles at worst.

We all deal with the obstacles in our life at our own pace. We are all different. As such, there is no straight and universal answer that can be gleaned by others' experiences alone. I am not telling you not to look for advice, but to take it with a high dose of critical thinking on the side. More important than asking for advice is the ability to listen to and consider it, in light of your experience. Introspection at this point is key. Try to understand yourself and all that took place before making any rash conclusions or judgements. Only then will the life lessons in this event sink in, experience gained and an added level of maturity acquired.

Quoting a wonderfully wise old man, "It is time that you start asking yourself the big questions. Who are you? What do you want?"

Rethink yourself. Maybe then, the answers will come, and improvement be reached. Best of luck in finding them.

 

[Syzygy23]

Hey, it's been a solid 16 days since I posted a similar thread... Fuck it, never mind. Sorry.

So did she like you until you met? Or was it you drifted apart well after you met?

Probably the former with a little of the latter. We almost immediately had sex upon meeting. Then we went out to eat. Then we had sex the next morning. Then we hung out with her friend all day, then we went back to the hotel room and had more sex. She asked me to write her as soon as I got home, which I did. But then after that, less and less and less, until she facebook deleted me. That was right before she went on her regular trip out of state where she was planning to have sex with this friend of a friend she liked. I knew I wasn't really her boyfriend anymore and I knew she really wanted to do it, so I didn't have too much of a problem. Whatever made her happy. I wanted to stay friends. I talked to her a couple of times after that, then nothing.

Maybe the fact that I still had feelings for her made her cut me off. I dunno. I think I offered to never message her again if I could still be facebook friends. She told me she felt used because it was my first time with a girl. I wish I could tell her how much I still cared. And if not, at least know she's alright.

Again, I make these threads too damn often. One thread is too many. Sorry.

Really guy?

REALLY?

You KNEW she was going out of town to have SEX WITH SOME OTHER GUY while you were still in a relationship and you were "okay with it as long as it made her happy"?

Stop this, stop being a fucking doormat right now. Good God it's pathetic. What about YOUR happiness? You are a person with needs, goals, and beliefs too, if she can't respect that then you need to drop her like a bad habit because trying to keep a relationship in which you put her on a pedestal will turn toxic in no time flat.

Here's a simple 3 step plan to getting through this:

1. Forget about her.
2. Find another woman
3. Profit

 

[General Twinkletoes]

wow

You had a picture of her on your browser?
You're only meeting people online?
Whenever you go out to try make friends you have a terrible attitude about it?

You're 25 years old, you should know how to do this stuff, you should be able to not be the creepy ex, and you should know you can't just be a doormat.
Sorry, but you've brought all this on yourself.

 

[A Weary Exile]

*snip*

Considering what's been said here (though you're right, it might be totally one-sided) that just seems like she's shifting the blame to him because she knows he'll accept it and she won't have to deal with him anymore. I don't see how someone in OP's position could feel "Used" especially if she's willing to dump him and go sleep with some other guy so soon. If anything, it seems like OP is the one being used.

 

[Mariakko]

Yeah I know how that feels, I've been there... I've just left there. She ended a relationship without giving you closure. The best way would be find another girlfriend and just forget and the other is to track her down and get some closure from her. I've done both on two separate occasions and they worked fairly well.

 

[zelda2fanboy]

Okay, one thing that is really bothering me in this thread is people telling him to "Respect her choice."

No. Her choices were stupid, insensitive, and done in a way that left our OP here with no closure and it was that lack of closure that led him to act as he did; I've experienced that feeling myself. A person worthy of respect wouldn't have built up all of those weeks of getting to know him, then having him fly out to meet in person, have sex with him a few times, then essentially erase him from her life within a few weeks. I would call it manipulative, but I think it's more a case of just not thinking about the other person involved, only of herself.

She should have:

A) Been clear from the start that all she wanted was a fling when he flew out, not a long-term relationship. She didn't seem to make that clear to the OP over the two months they knew each other.
B) Not gone through with the fling at all.
C) If she had to cut ties with the OP she should have at least given him straight answers as to why she no longer wanted to speak with him before doing so.

If a guy did this to a woman I bet most posters here would call for his head. You don't call someone your "Boyfriend/girlfriend" just so you can fly them out to you, screw them a few times, then attempt to dispose of them and move on to your next fling.

TL; DR Move on, but give respect where it's due. It isn't due here, IMO.

I feel this is an adequate assessment of the situation. I don't blame her, though. She's 19. A teenage girl is a teenage girl.
A) She thought I was really attractive and wanted to have sex with me. Can't discount that.
B) She may have had feelings for me at some point (or thought she did).
C) If I were in the same situation, I probably would have let it play out the same way. If someone is going to drive out to me for sex, I'd have a hard time telling them no.
D) She probably didn't have straight answers for why she didn't want to be a part of my life anymore. She's not required to have them.
E) There was a lot of talk about why it was shitty for me to still be a virgin at that age and a lot of our interactions related to sex. She would have found it hypocritical if she didn't go through with it. (Though I would have understood.)

 

[DeimosMasque]

I feel this is an adequate assessment of the situation. I don't blame her, though. She's 19. A teenage girl is a teenage girl.
A) She thought I was really attractive and wanted to have sex with me. Can't discount that.
B) She may have had feelings for me at some point (or thought she did).
C) If I were in the same situation, I probably would have let it play out the same way. If someone is going to drive out to me for sex, I'd have a hard time telling them no.
D) She probably didn't have straight answers for why she didn't want to be a part of my life anymore. She's not required to have them.
E) There was a lot of talk about why it was shitty for me to still be a virgin at that age and a lot of our interactions related to sex. She would have found it hypocritical if she didn't go through with it. (Though I would have understood.)

I've been reading this thread on and off since yesterday and I can tell you, you've already improved from your original post. Which is good because that means you want to be better and you're not just wallowing in self pity.

Let me tell you my story: I didn't have a girlfriend until I was nearly 21 (I'm nearly 32 now). She wasn't all that pretty, and honestly I could have done a lot better. But I was nearly 21, had never even kissed a girl before so I settled. And not only did I settle, I went all in.

I basically smothered her with attention and love, and while she seemed rather into me to, I really was too pushy about it. Not only that, in my stupidity I also pushed away the few friends I had, alienated myself from my parents and basically became a douche to anyone who wasn't her.

Then one day, were standing on the pier, watching the sun come up and she turns to me and says "I want to break up." It seems this guy at the Steak and Shake we regularly went to was now her boyfriend and had been for a few weeks. She's been sleeping with him and just "waiting for the right time."

I fought with her (verbally not physically) and tried to compromise that we take a break and still be together. She agreed but didn't mean it. Basically she had realized at that point I was wrapped around her finger. She used me for rides to the guys house, to dates with him. Even to her work when she started working at the same Steak and Shake as him.

Yet I was still "with" her so I dealt with it. Until she actually broke it off. I went to her house and harassed her, the cops were called, I was nearly arrested. I went home, crawled into bed and stayed there for nearly a week. I tried to eat or drink and basically vomited it all up. I was devastated and after a week... I was still devastated but I went out to a music store, bought the new KMFDM album, stopped over to a book store, picked up some RPG books and went home and just tried my best to read and the stuff.

It didn't work. I tried some one night stands (I had about 7 of them before I realized it wasn't helping.) Tried to get a girlfriend... which point the original girl returned to my life, I cheated on my new girlfriend, I tried to juggle them, it didn't work. I lost both again.

She showed back up looking for a roommate, I stupidly agreed. Ended up sleeping together again, until she found a guy she liked more at her new job. She once again strung me along, keeping me on the hook. I finally somewhat woke up and moved out. Ended up in a new job... where I still would skip out on to drive 2 1/2 hours to go help her with every little thing. I even agreed to internet spy on her boyfriend for her since she didn't have internet.

That's when I really realized what I had let this girl do to me. I had let her turn me into a needy scumbag. It was no wonder my friends and loved ones didn't want to be around me any more. I didn't want me around any more.

So I did what people suggested to you, deleted her number, blocked her on AIM and just stopped talking to her. It sucked. I took me about seven months before I really moved on after that point. That's when I met my wife. And even when I met her, I still... got dragged into this previous girls web one last time and almost lost my shot with my perfect girl.

That whole long time period I explained above... I actually dated the girl for only 7 months. That's right, I let it get to me for nearly 3 years and we only dated 7 months.

The morale of the story. I think you're already doing better than I did. And honestly, even if you don't have friends in person, online friends can help you in many ways. Talk to them about it rather than us anonymous people with no stake in your happiness.

Hell, talk to you parents about it even. Anyone who knows you better than some random internet people on a forum. Yeah honestly the harsh advice is all true, only you can help yourself. All the advice and kind words can only embolden you. You yourself have to make the change.

And the one thing I will add. Never let anyone ever virgin shame you. The girl I was talking about, that was her excuse for dumping me the first time. "You've only had sex with me, you should go out and get experiences." It's a smoke screen, from what it sounds like the girl was using you for some fun sex, she got it and she moved on. She'll probably do it to the next guy too.

 

[ffs-dontcare]

This thread is a real eye-opener.

I won't say why, though. However, I will say that my situation is kind of similar in some ways but different in others.

But there is some fantastic advice in here that I can use.

And I hope the OP does the same.

Nobody deserves to be used, ever.

But you know what? People like OP and I deserve far better than manipulative wenches. We deserve the best, but only if we rise above our personal inadequacies and failings, and become better men. We owe it to ourselves more than anything.

Spoiler: These particular excerpts piss me off.

"She told me she felt used because it was my first time with a girl."
She has no right to use that excuse, due to the following.....

"That was right before she went on her regular trip out of state where she was planning to have sex with this friend of a friend she liked."
Yeah, no. That doesn't work, you stupid *****. You can't use someone for sex and then play the victim.

 

[zelda2fanboy]

This thread is a real eye-opener.

I won't say why, though. However, I will say that my situation is kind of similar in some ways but different in others.

But there is some fantastic advice in here that I can use.

And I hope the OP does the same.

Nobody deserves to be used, ever.

But you know what? People like OP and I deserve far better than manipulative wenches. We deserve the best, but only if we rise above our personal inadequacies and failings, and become better men. We owe it to ourselves more than anything.

Spoiler: These particular excerpts piss me off.

"She told me she felt used because it was my first time with a girl."
She has no right to use that excuse, due to the following.....

"That was right before she went on her regular trip out of state where she was planning to have sex with this friend of a friend she liked."
Yeah, no. That doesn't work, you stupid *****. You can't use someone for sex and then play the victim.

No, she has the right to feel however she feels, just like I do. There are no right / wrong answers in this scenario and it doesn't have to make any sense. I don't think she was manipulative, stupid, or a "*****." I still care about her and I'm not angry, which I'm happy about because I don't need that useless emotion on my plate either.

I'll never forget the light in her eyes when they were inches away from my own. It was beautiful and perfect. I'm keeping that.

 

[JemothSkarii]

*SNIP*

Trust me, I am still seething with rage whenever I think about him (her I can't do much about). I'm more than likely going to assault him if I see him up the street and I have no friends around to hold me back.

 

[Ernil Menegil]

This thread is a real eye-opener.

I won't say why, though. However, I will say that my situation is kind of similar in some ways but different in others.

But there is some fantastic advice in here that I can use.

And I hope the OP does the same.

Nobody deserves to be used, ever.

But you know what? People like OP and I deserve far better than manipulative wenches. We deserve the best, but only if we rise above our personal inadequacies and failings, and become better men. We owe it to ourselves more than anything.

Spoiler: These particular excerpts piss me off.

"She told me she felt used because it was my first time with a girl."
She has no right to use that excuse, due to the following.....

"That was right before she went on her regular trip out of state where she was planning to have sex with this friend of a friend she liked."
Yeah, no. That doesn't work, you stupid *****. You can't use someone for sex and then play the victim.

No, she has the right to feel however she feels, just like I do. There are no right / wrong answers in this scenario and it doesn't have to make any sense. I don't think she was manipulative, stupid, or a "*****." I still care about her and I'm not angry, which I'm happy about because I don't need that useless emotion on my plate either.

I'll never forget the light in her eyes when they were inches away from my own. It was beautiful and perfect. I'm keeping that.

The most admirable response you could possibly give it.

My congratulations, man.

 

[TheDrunkNinja]

Not to be a dick or complain anymore more than I already have, but life is considerably different at age 25 than it is at age 19. There's no school anymore, there aren't really any clubs, and people have families and real lives. The ship sailed on alpha male-ing it up long ago. It was never for me, anyways. Second of all, I know none of my "internet relationships" will ever amount to anything, but I don't care. I like talking to them for the sake of talking to them. They're cool, and considering how little experience I have communicating with members of the opposite sex, I see nothing wrong with and I expect nothing from it. Chicago isn't as close to here as you think it is. It's 56 miles of heavy commuter traffic, plus about $25 or more to park anywhere. I'm not saying it's impossible, but it's a hassle. The towns between here and there are just more busy and annoying versions of this one.

So while I may be stuck at home as a "man-child" as you call it, everyone else I know is, too. You know all that stuff the news says about the economy? It's true. There are no jobs. I have a business degree and I've been making minimum wage for four years. It's pretty much hopeless, and I'm not alone in this little slice of wasteland. A lot of people on this thread have expressed concerns over what I might do and red flags, but I honestly think I'm less of a risk to society in this situation than someone who feels he has to be the dominant alpha male. I have to learn to accept my own failures at some point and I'm coming to terms with it. She's gone. There shall be no replacement. It is. Play it where it lays, as the saying goes.

Excuses and denial.

I can go to my local comic shop to join a DnD group full of 25-30 year olds who are actually willing to leave their rooms for more than an hour a day. That's one example. One. Even if you don't like table top games, if you actually wanted to join a group/team/club/whatever badly enough, you can find one. Saying the convenience of college clubs has come and gone is not an excuse. Notice the word "convenience". That's all it is. These things aren't exclusive to college. Unbeknownst to you, apparently, people still socialize even after their done with college.

You're just being lazy or, more likely, you just don't want to. In that case, you have no right to complain. You're miserable because you want to wallow in your misery. You're life sucks because you allow it to suck.

And I will be damned if someone ever makes the excuse that "there are no jobs". Fuck that. This is America, dammit. Shitty economy or no, there will always be a job that someone needs done. Maybe not the most glamorous job for someone with a degree in business, but just having money to spend, people to see every day, and a place to go outside your damn computer room is worth every shitty hour of work.

Can't do these things? Can't leave the sanctity of your room and actually give a damn about life enough to go out and meet people? Can't bring yourself to even make the attempt at being happy?

Take your self-pity somewhere else. We won't stand for this shit. Not anymore.

You are what you choose to be.

Choose. And choose wisely.

 

[Rose and Thorn]

So there's this girl...

We had an internet relationship for a few months and eventually met in person, but now it's over. She's unfriended me on facebook, doesn't go on skype, and doesn't seem to be anywhere on the internet anymore. I loved (and still love) her. I miss her like crazy. I wonder how she's doing, if she has a new boyfriend, or if she's happy. I want to know she's okay. I sometimes google her name a lot to make sure she didn't randomly die or anything because that sort of thing would pop up on the internet. Her facebook page is bookmarked in my browser and I can still see some of her profile and pictures because of her lax privacy settings and because I'm still friends with one of her friends. The little box in the corner says "friend request sent" from back when she unfriended me and I thought it was a glitch or something.

Is there anything I can do? I want to message her and I want to message her friend to ask about her. I'm worried I'll get fully blocked and I'll lose the last little thread of contact entirely.

I dreamed about her last night. I still have her number in my phone, but I'm not nuts enough yet to call it. It's probably a good thing I don't drink alcohol.

Hey friend, I don't think you sound all that bad at all. Shit, love makes people do crazy things and I am no exception.

I was involved with someone for three years and we were both deeply in love, that person left me out of nowhere. Cheated on me and left me for someone else. It took monthes to get over it and even to this day *A year and a half later* it still pains me a bit. I used to watch this person a lot on facebook and watch this person...in other ways, but always out of respectful loneliness.

Listen, if a person is done with you and cuts contact, it is best to move on yourself. Fuck I know it can suck, but it is for the best and will make you stronger.

And yes, it is a good thing you don't drink, because God knows I have done things I shouldn't have with the ever encouraging spirit of alchohol.

 

[zelda2fanboy]

Excuses and denial.

I can go to my local comic shop to join a DnD group full of 25-30 year olds who are actually willing to leave their rooms for more than an hour a day. That's one example. One. Even if you don't like table top games, if you actually wanted to join a group/team/club/whatever badly enough, you can find one. Saying the convenience of college clubs has come and gone is not an excuse. Notice the word "convenience". That's all it is. These things aren't exclusive to college. Unbeknownst to you, apparently, people still socialize even after their done with college.

You're just being lazy or, more likely, you just don't want to. In that case, you have no right to complain. You're miserable because you want to wallow in your misery. You're life sucks because you allow it to suck.

And I will be damned if someone ever makes the excuse that "there are no jobs". Fuck that. This is America, dammit. Shitty economy or no, there will always be a job that someone needs done. Maybe not the most glamorous job for someone with a degree in business, but just having money to spend, people to see every day, and a place to go outside your damn computer room is worth every shitty hour of work.

Can't do these things? Can't leave the sanctity of your room and actually give a damn about life enough to go out and meet people? Can't bring yourself to even make the attempt at being happy?

Take your self-pity somewhere else. We won't stand for this shit. Not anymore.

You are what you choose to be.

Choose. And choose wisely.

Solid points. (I only wish we had a comic book store, though.) I've decided to quit my job today. You're right that there are jobs, but the job I have is not helping me in any way. There's no point in continuing to suffer. I've got about 4 grand in the bank and I can float by for a little while, and if I can't, so what? No more hiding in the dark and crying every spare moment. No more throwing my shoulder out from holding a gas range on a hand cart. No more callouses on my toes from the steel toe boots. No more constant wondering if I've given myself a groin or hernia injury. No more getting the wind knocked out of my from a hand cart to the gut.

I haven't had a raise in four years and I make minimum wage. Fuck it, I'll go be a janitor or make tacos or wash dishes. I'm done with this shit. No more wanting to kill myself, no more being terrified of permanent injury, and no more bemoaning my shitty job. I can't make people like me, but I can stop hurting myself.

 

[TheDrunkNinja]

Solid points. (I only wish we had a comic book store, though.) I've decided to quit my job today. You're right that there are jobs, but the job I have is not helping me in any way. There's no point in continuing to suffer. I've got about 4 grand in the bank and I can float by for a little while, and if I can't, so what? No more hiding in the dark and crying every spare moment. No more throwing my shoulder out from holding a gas range on a hand cart. No more callouses on my toes from the steel toe boots. No more constant wondering if I've given myself a groin or hernia injury. No more getting the wind knocked out of my from a hand cart to the gut.

I haven't had a raise in four years and I make minimum wage. Fuck it, I'll go be a janitor or make tacos or wash dishes. I'm done with this shit. No more wanting to kill myself, no more being terrified of permanent injury, and no more bemoaning my shitty job. I can't make people like me, but I can stop hurting myself.

Hmmm... Yes, this attitude suits you much better. Alright, I guess I was wrong, you are at least trying to make things better for yourself. Sorry for the harshness. And hey, if you're killing yourself to get a minimum wage, then a job change certainly work better. This is so cliched, but it's always good to look on the bright of life. Especially when you put into perspective that most of our problems, as Americans, are First World problems.

But yeah, that bit at the end about "making people like you" almost negated that list of all the positive changes your making. Do you like table-top games? You may not have a comic shop around that you know of, but look around. There have to be game stores in your area. I'm not talking video games. I'm talking about a genuine "game store" where they sell Magic cards, figurines, Dungeons and Dragons guides, board games, Warhammer stuff, multi-sided dice, comics, collectables, the works. Sometimes they go under the monicker of a comic shop, despite being about more than just comics.

I mean, Magic the Gathering is so fucking popular, there has to be a store that sells them in your area. More times than not, those stores will run DnD or Warhammer sessions once a week or once a month that anyone can join, and they're always helpful with new players.

This kind of stuff is out there, man. You just have to look.

Like I said before, it's all up to you, but I guarantee it's worth it.