I'm trying to write a book!!

[Boneasse]

A very long read!

Evenin' everyone. I've got a pretty good imagination, if I say so myself, and I've recently started on what I would like to be a fantasy book. Since these forums are, somewhat, more sophisticated than other ones, I thought I might share some of what I've written with you. Since some might appreciate it. This is a part of the first chapter (Bear in mind, the fantasy part has not kicked in yet):


MAJOR EDIT: I've finished the first chapter, and I thought I would announce this, since everyone deserves to read it (rofl).

Find it at: http://endoraia.blogspot.com/ ... Constructive criticism is approved of!

*Original text deleted*

 

[LongAndShort]

Not bad. Good pace, well structured. You haven't quite hooked me yet but you're bloody close. Keep working at it, it has good potential.

 

[Boneasse]

Not bad. Good pace, well structured. You haven't quite hooked me yet but you're bloody close. Keep working at it, it has good potential.

Much appreciated! I'll try my best, that's for sure, but it's only just introduction/intro thus far. It'll be a little while before the story really gets going. Nice with some positive feedback though, thank you

 

[John_Galt]

It has quite a bit of potential. I'd spare the first chapter from back stories, and maybe improve upon the structure of the plot.
It's interesting, though. A few more revisions and you'd have a good book.

 

[Boneasse]

It has quite a bit of potential. I'd spare the first chapter from back stories, and maybe improve upon the structure of the plot.
It's interesting, though. A few more revisions and you'd have a good book.

I won't get much into backstories until the second or third chapter really. The first one only touches as to why he's in the orphanage in the first place. So don't worry

There's going to be a small prelude aswell.

Revisions, mate? Doesn't revision mean rewriting? I have to admit, I'm writing as I go along which means some things might not be as polished as I want them to. But I'll get there.

 

[Boneasse]

Right, well I'm going to bed now. I do hope there's some people who've got some more constructive criticism for me, as I want to be better!

Night all.

 

[Timotei]

Not bad. It was a good read yet it wasn't enough to have me begging to know what happens hext.

 

[barryween]

Not bad. I find it interesting, but won't really be hooked until I find out why Jaiden is a "freak" and "Isn't like all the other kids"
Sounds mighty good if you can keep up the pacing and details.

 

[Boneasse]

Not bad. I find it interesting, but won't really be hooked until I find out why Jaiden is a "freak" and "Isn't like all the other kids"
Sounds mighty good if you can keep up the pacing and details.

I'm getting there, mate. Don't worry

 

[Sark]

You have a character called Jaiden. Just stop right there criminal scum.

 

[Boneasse]

You have a character called Jaiden. Just stop right there criminal scum.

What?

 

[Sark]

You have a character called Jaiden. Just stop right there criminal scum.

What?

It's a horrible name. There isn't much heroic or manly about it. So if you want this character to be your protagonist change it.
There are a few spelling and grammatical errors that could be fixed but I am sure you could find those. More importantly however is your lack of descriptive language. A good way to start this is just by using basic sensory stuff. Which means describing what you see, hear, smell and feel.

 

[Boneasse]

I'll think about changing the name Thanks for the advice though.

 

[Lord George]

Bit too much descriptive text in some parts I found it didn't seem to really work I found I wasn't really imagining a scene then being told features of something like reading a grocery list. Apart from that the story itself was intriguing.

 

[SamuelT]

It reads well enough. I suggest you liven up the way you write a bit. I know this might sound a bit hypocritical, as my writing is far from perfect, but it has to captivate right from the first sentance if you want people to really read it.

And you start a lot of sentances with a gerund, that's a bit annoying. But now I'm just nit-picking.

And your descriptions aren't that well flowing. I now know that the room is usually dark, and the floor is cold. You could sneak in some description here and there, like the colour of the walls or the smell of the room.

I know critisism sounds harsh, and you might hate me for it, but I don't mean to offend you. It's a good read, and a good start for what can be a very good story. These are just small pointers. Do with them what you will.

 

[Boneasse]

It reads well enough. I suggest you liven up the way you write a bit. I know this might sound a bit hypocritical, as my writing is far from perfect, but it has to captivate right from the first sentance if you want people to really read it.

And you start a lot of sentances with a gerund, that's a bit annoying. But now I'm just nit-picking.

And your descriptions aren't that well flowing. I now know that the room is usually dark, and the floor is cold. You could sneak in some description here and there, like the colour of the walls or the smell of the room.

I know critisism sounds harsh, and you might hate me for it, but I don't mean to offend you. It's a good read, and a good start for what can be a very good story. These are just small pointers. Do with them what you will.

Not at all mate :-D I'm happy someone will actually read and give advice on it. I can see how, as previously mentioned, there could be more describtion in the story.

 

[Walker100]

AS a fellow writer I think it sounds interesting. I'd read more.

 

[Jay Cee]

I like it.

I enjoyed how you soliloquized only when it was relevant, which kept the story perfectly paced and interesting.

 

[wildwind1290]

Cool! I'm working on one, too. Here's to our mutual success.

 

[The Lawn]

I found it a quite interesting read, and I would enjoy reading more.

Best of luck on your venture! I wish you and your story the best.