Let me ask you a question. A very important question.
When was the last time you drank the sweat of god?
If your answer is anything other than 'I'm drinking it right now' then shut the hell up and feast on my teats of knowledge.
Don't push, there's enough to go around.
When you think of Scotland, what comes to mind first?
Kilts?
Sean Connery?
Haggis?
Unintelligible English?
Those are all good answers, but they are all wrong.
The right answer is Irn Bru
It's okay, I'll give you a minute.
Notice the colour?
Does it look familiar?
Okay, I'll giver you another minute, but no more!
There is a direct and infallible correlation between the consumption of Irn Bru and the colour of a Scot's hair colour.
But this isn't why Irn Bru is the best soft drink in the Omniverse.
Irn Bru is the only soft drink that has caused wars.
Remember Brave Heart
Ignore Gibson, he's not important.
Notice the background?
Has your mind been blown?
The First War of Scottish Independence wasn't fought for independence, no, the Scots wanted to keep the secret formula to themselves, the treacherous bastards.
This wasn't like the American Revolution, oh no, we didn't really give a toss about them.
No, this was a war the English were not willing to back out of.
The Great British Food God demanded that the knowledge of the Bru be shared by all his people so that discord may not be sowed.
"But Daystar, you furtive pygmy you, Why Irn Bru and not Iron Brew?"
That's a good question.
And now for some actual facts (no, really).
Well, back in the day, a drink could only be labeled 'brew' if it was actually brewed. As we all now know, Irn Bru is not brewed, it is sweat from the mighty pits of god himself, so how was this obstacle overcome?
Change the name? No, that would be to admit defeat. Take out a couple of letters, that should fool 'em.
And it did.
To this day, Irn Bru outsells Coca Cola (blasphemous American beverage) in it's home country.
It's so good that cows consider it a personal insult not to be consumed with the beverage.
See?
And cows never lie.
Never.
When was the last time you drank the sweat of god?
If your answer is anything other than 'I'm drinking it right now' then shut the hell up and feast on my teats of knowledge.
Don't push, there's enough to go around.
When you think of Scotland, what comes to mind first?
Kilts?
Sean Connery?
Haggis?
Unintelligible English?
Those are all good answers, but they are all wrong.
The right answer is Irn Bru
It's okay, I'll give you a minute.
Notice the colour?
Does it look familiar?
Okay, I'll giver you another minute, but no more!
There is a direct and infallible correlation between the consumption of Irn Bru and the colour of a Scot's hair colour.
But this isn't why Irn Bru is the best soft drink in the Omniverse.
Irn Bru is the only soft drink that has caused wars.
Remember Brave Heart
Ignore Gibson, he's not important.
Notice the background?
Has your mind been blown?
The First War of Scottish Independence wasn't fought for independence, no, the Scots wanted to keep the secret formula to themselves, the treacherous bastards.
This wasn't like the American Revolution, oh no, we didn't really give a toss about them.
No, this was a war the English were not willing to back out of.
The Great British Food God demanded that the knowledge of the Bru be shared by all his people so that discord may not be sowed.
"But Daystar, you furtive pygmy you, Why Irn Bru and not Iron Brew?"
That's a good question.
And now for some actual facts (no, really).
Well, back in the day, a drink could only be labeled 'brew' if it was actually brewed. As we all now know, Irn Bru is not brewed, it is sweat from the mighty pits of god himself, so how was this obstacle overcome?
Change the name? No, that would be to admit defeat. Take out a couple of letters, that should fool 'em.
And it did.
To this day, Irn Bru outsells Coca Cola (blasphemous American beverage) in it's home country.
It's so good that cows consider it a personal insult not to be consumed with the beverage.
See?
And cows never lie.
Never.
