Is my dad justified in effectively cheating on his wife?

[Athinira]

Legally: Yes.

Morally: No, especially not if he has kids and his wife is sick.

In short: Your dad is an a**hole. He really is.

 

[Jamash]

Spoiler: snip

Hello, Escapists. So for the past few months, my dad has been going out on Sundays and staying overnight at some girl's house. The distance isn't exactly short, either. I'm 16, and my parents are still together. He outright told my mother a while back that he was seeing her and assumes that's fine; he spends most Sunday mornings and afternoons with this girl, until Monday or sometimes even Tuesday! He even sometimes does it again later in the week!

And that's not the tip of the iceberg. My mother unfortunately has MS, Multiple Sclerosis; it's not always easy for her to walk. The grass was getting very high, and my dad used to cut the grass on weekends. He now rushes me and my sister out on Saturdays to "spend time with us", preventing him from feeling guilt when he leaves on Sunday. Anyway, because the grass was so high and I was sick, my mom went out with a fever and MS and cut the grass. This is pathetic.

We never decorated for Halloween or Thanksgiving because he's the one that normally gets the stuff down, he lies about going up his mother's who lives up the street from us to instead go to his girlfriend's. He even said he'd help my sister with homework (She's two years younger than me) more than once, and ended up just skipping some math problems she had because he wasn't there. He's also lied to my mother more than once about this.

TL;DR and otherwise; My dad's basically cheating on his wife, and it's affecting all of us. Is he justified at all in doing this? My mom doesn't yell at him or really do much to stress him out as far as I know.

EDIT: Can anyone also tell me what I should do? I don't want to approach him on the subject because I don't know what to say.

EDIT2: Both my sister and myself are in expensive Catholic high schools; my father is the one who pays for them. And my mom is, again, unemployed so she doesn't have much money to live off of.

Is this really the kind of information you want to be spreading around the Internet?

Assuming that Sean Muylan is your real name, if you Google your name then your Escapist profile is the 1st result and this thread is just one click away (the thread title isn't very subtle).

I apologise for being blunt, but what you're essentially doing is broadcasting salacious gossip about your father's infidelity, your mother's illness, your parent's personal problems (e.g. it's easy to draw conclusions about their sex life, or lack thereof, due to her condition) to anyone on the planet with an Internet connection who happens to Google your name (e.g. friends, enemies, acquaintances, teachers, potential employers, prospective colleges, nosey neighbours).

If you really want to discuss this, you should do it anonymously under a profile that doesn't include your real name and date of birth, and perhaps you also shouldn't include so much personal and easily identifiable information in the thread (e.g. your age, your sister's age, what type of school you attend, what year your parents got married), as this is all information that can be used to narrow down your identity and could lead to you getting "doxed" or blackmailed by someone with a grudge or the hankering to cause some trouble (or someone who fancies themselves a slice of that "expensive Catholic high school" money).

You say that you don't know how to approach your father and you don't know what to say, but if, for whatever reason, he decides to Google his son's name, then you may have a lot of explaining to do... (but at least it will solve the problem of how to breach the subject to him).

Again, I analogise for being blunt and I'm sorry if I appear to be "kicking you while your down" because I'm being critical to you with no apparent regard for your troubles, but you shouldn't really be broadcasting your father's personal business (regardless of the morals of his actions) and your parent's problems under your real name.

If any of this rings true, then perhaps you should contact a Moderator or @Nasrin directly, ask for this thread to be deleted and ask for permission to create a second, anonymous profile under which you can remake this thread and seek advice again.

 

[soren7550]

For one, I believe you should do this [http://cheezburger.com/6745119232]. Second, what your assface of a father is doing is in no way justifiable. He's a sad, cowardly dickhead. Don't associate with him or his mistress (I'd prefer to call her something else, but it'll do), and hopefully you either live in a state where if you get divorced things are divided up accordingly, or your folks signed something when they got married that states that in the event of a divorce or death, the one that was cheated on/isn't dead gets everything (can't remember what it's called, sorry).

 

[iblis666]

sounds like a troll but if not

there is no right or wrong in this since it seems that the father needs something that the mother cant provide and because of religious and moral obligations divorce is a no go so though the status quo is unsavory it is still the best option and any confrontation would make this harder on all parties

 

[Luna]

What is the matter with you, OP? Why are you asking us if this is unjustified? Is this a serious question? How is this justifiable at all?

 

[StBishop]

My feeling is regardless of your mothers condition, which is regrettable to be sure, he shouldn't be forced into "staying" with her just because of that.

If he no longer loves her he should just cut the cord so to speak and file for divorce, and move out. And while that will hurt you and the rest of your family, it is infinately better than what is happening currently where he is not only behaving like a poor father and a poor husband but also he is displaying himself to be nothing more than a craven coward.
And THAT, to me, would be and is a lot more hurtful than him simply admitting that things have changed and dealing with the consequences.

It wouldn't necessarily have to come down to a choice between his girlfriend, or his family either. It isn't the girlfriends fault is it? Nor is it the fact that he has a girlfriend that is the problem really, is it?

I think the best way for this to be resolved is for you, and your family, to tell him that he has to get a grip and stop behaving so badly. To decide if he wants to stay with his wife or not.
And if not, to just go and stop hurting everyone with his cowardly behaviour.

There's things I didn't mention, and perhaps I should edit my post because of this, but my mom is unemployed and my sister and me both go to Catholic schools, paid for by my father. And the girlfriend knows he has a wife and kids; she's texted him, asking where he is and whatnot.

Your mother shouldn't/won't have to support you on her own. You are his offspring and therefore his responsibility until you or he die.

Also, there are more important things than money.

I don't understand how this is a question? It seems pretty one sided, he's doing something bad and it's having negative effects. Where is the justification supposed to come from?

The thing is, they've been married 18 years, and known each other quite a bit longer. They were married in 1994 I believe and they've been together since the 80's. My mom said it was a sin before the Lord; the house is a mess with stuff that my father has reliably done in the past, and yet he knowingly goes out, a good distance away from our house, to spend time with someone else. Even if he doesn't love his wife, he has US.

My parents were married for 20 years dude. Shit happens.

If your mum(mom) thinks it's a sin to be divorced then there's nothing much I can say about that. I disagree and think there're things much worse than divorce.

Look him neglecting his duties as a father (ignoring the husband part) is bullshit, you have a right to be upset. However, him divorcing your mum or not has nothing to do with you and your sister.

My parents being apart has made both of them much happier, my mum didn't love my dad any more and now that he's not in a relationship with someone who doesn't love him, he's happier.
Sure he was heart broken for a while, but he's better off now.

And to be honest, the relationship my parents have with each other is none of my business so long as it doesn't affect me or cause either of them harm.

 

[Joccaren]

The only thing that you said that even slightly justifies this is the fact that he's told his wife and she's fine with it, but even that's not a good justification - especially in this case.

If possible I'd bring your grandparents into this. Your mum's parents aren't going to be happy to hear that her husband is cheating on her, and I'd be surprised if his parents are proud of him for cheating on his wife. Of course, it all depends on what the rest of your family is like, but it could get something done.

First, however, ask your mum if she's ok with him effectively cheating on her. If she's not, then something does need to be done, and the rest of the family should be called in to help resolve the issue.
If she is ok with it, you should confront your dad directly and tell him that you're uncomfortable with him seeing other women. Since you're mum has said she's ok with it, even if she isn't, it'd be kinda mean to force her into a confrontation when she doesn't want one, however you are able to keep her out of it and tell him that you personally are not ok with him seeing this other girl. You've said he takes you out on Saturdays to get over the guilt, so he obviously does care, it might just come down to telling him that Saturdays aren't enough.

 

[Gormech]

I'm going to be blunt. Sorry if this comes out wrong.
Your father is taking advantage of you.
What attachment you feel for him may be the idea of him rather than the person themselves. I'd doublecheck on this.
The fact that your mother is having troubles during this time should be enough evidence of how things are going.
It's going to be hard no matter what you do but I'd really try to get your mother to contact an attorney.
It may end in violence if you try right away with both parents at the same time when money comes into the picture so I'd suggest talking about it with your mother while your dad's on one of those trips. Try logic but she may be disillusioned.
Just remember that no matter what, you have done nothing wrong in this.

 

[Lt._nefarious]

No offense to you or your Dad bro, but he sounds like a bit of a dick... I'd talk to your sis, mom and other respective family members (Aunts, Uncles, Grandma, Grandad, etc.) and if you're 100% certain confront him, he's really doing a massive injustice to his family... If you're willing, and it would be awkward and difficult, confront his girlfriend first, ask her if she knows the full situation and ask her if she thinks it's right. Not saying she should dump your Dad but if he wants to be with her so much then his girlfriend telling him to help his family might give him even more incentive what with him effectively fucking you guys over...

 

[144_v1legacy]

I disagree with the above to some extent.

If you are angry at your father, the best thing you can do is find out how to make this situation benefit you. He's paying for you. You need him. That's unfortunately a factor, I assume. Nothing you can do about your father will make your mother feel better about him, he's ruined this it seems. I don't know what your feelings are on the subject of divorce, but I imagine a divorce would be the best option for everyone. I could elaborate, but I don't feel like it, suffice to say that friends with similar problems were significantly more distressed before the inevitable divorce than afterwards, and your dad will no longer be paying for you out of generosity/parental responsibility, but instead be paying for you out of legal requirement, enabling you to openly side with your mother and make her feel better.

Edit: post(s?) were made while writing this. I will keep it ambiguous as to who exactly I claim to be disagreeing with, but it's probably more than one poster.

 

[O maestre]

if you are going to catholic schools i am going to assume that religion is venerated somewhat in your family. the easiest route would not be to guilt him back in line. any decent catholic would be unable to bear the shame.

its an impossible situation for someone your age and will require outside intervention, try to get help from either a family friend or even better a priest.

the best you can do is sit down with your father and explain to him how you have lost all respect for him, and that you wish you were not related to such a dishonest, disloyal and immature man. if he has any sense of pride in him that might be the wake up call he needs. to me it sounds like he is acting like a child that doesn't want to acknowledge his wrong doings.

and your mother also seems to be in need of a reminder that she does not deserve to be treated this way, perhaps Gormechs advice of getting an attorney might solve things, however lawyers and courts will most definitely tear your family apart

in any case i feel for you, and wish you and your family the best of luck

another alternative might be to have this girlfriend, become an active part of the family, it might be odd or strange, but it might also be better than the current situation, which is completely unacceptable

 

[Lars]

Ouch. I'm sorry.

Tough as it sounds, it sounds like your father doesn't really respect anyone in your family.

I would talk to him and say it's not cool. I wouldn't argue with him, but just say that it's not okay what he's doing. It's not a good thing to do towards you, your sister or your mom. I think you better prepare to ditch him and work hard yourself. Find something you really want to do, and work your ass towards it. It's hard, but on the positive side of working your ass off is that you gain a strong character. Money will come when you become talented and a master of your craft. Your father doesn't have a strong personality and won't be able to teach you anything about that anyway. Might as well find it elsewhere.

That's my advice, but you know.. No one here knows what's best for you. Sixteen is a young age to start, but he put you all in a tough spot, so time to get tough.

 

[RedFeather1975]

Wow, if he is catholic then adultery and even divorce are serious business.
I can only assume he isn't catholic, or doesn't believe in it.
My father is Catholic and was not allowed to receive the Eucharist ever again. I remember when I was young he simply stopped going up to receive it, and it wasn't until I was much older that I learned why.

TC, if your father is Catholic and serious about it, then you may want to consider talking to a ranking official of your church, and in confidence too. Be discreet about it. I'm sure they will provide guidance if you show your concern.

 

[The Lunatic]

There's a big difference between "Being a douche" and acting like one.

Your father sounds like he isn't coping too well with your mother's condition.

People aren't inherently bad, especially not those who take the time to raise a family, put you all in good schools and that kind of thing. However, under stress and forced into situations, people flip.

Talk to him, say you're unhappy with X and Y, important to establish you're not mad, or angry, but, simply want what's best for your mother and him.

 

[spartan231490]

She knows, I see no problem with it.

 

[beastro]

Is he justified?

Seems like he hasn't even bothered to even try to justify what he's doing. No talk to your mother or you guys to put his case of twisted logic before you guys to somehow make it seem better, he's just doing it unabashedly.

It's a downright evil thing he's doing regardless of why he's doing it.

She knows, I see no problem with it.

That makes it right, huh?

A sick woman with no way of supporting herself or her children if she went for a divorce has little choice in the matter. Simply because she knows doesn't mean she isn't happy with it, it just means she's powerless to do anything about it.

Scheisse.

Has your mother ever had to face a situation like this? Because mine certainly has.

Hopefully you're young and can use that as an excuse to say something like that without thinking first.

 

[Daverson]

If your mother knows, and isn't doing anything about it, that implies:
1. Your parents have an understanding about this. (You said she has MS, I know you don't want to think about this, but what does that mean for your parent's sex lives? Keep in mind, everyone has needs.)
2. He isn't porking her, she's just a female friend. (As a teenager you might find platonic friendship between a man and a woman impossible to comprehend, but trust me, it is a thing.)

The best thing for you to do is let your parents work it out between themselves. It's obvious they're in a difficult situation, and attempts by yourself to "resolve the situation" would be like trying to douse embers with a can of petrol.

 

[Evil Smurf]

nope.avi

if he does not love your mum any more then divorce is what is needed, harsh but better the emotional torture. Although they may not be having sex, your dad and his new friend.