Is my dad justified in effectively cheating on his wife?

[pilouuuu]

I'm surprised by most opinions in here. Bunch of politically correct answers...

Of course he is justified! He surely loved your mum when they got married, but now that has obviously changed. He still appreciates her as a person and he surely feels pity for her and he also doesn't want you all kids to suffer. I'd say he has been sacrificing a lot. Give your old one a break!

Your parents are not freaking perfect. They are human beings. They have the right to be happy.

If you want some advice, just support them, talk with them and be prepared because they may get divorced soon, but it doesn't mean that they hate each other or that they can't be friends. Relationships eventually end and there's nothing wrong with that. Don't be selfish. As long as they take care of you it doesn't matter who they shag.

 

[squid5580]

Some people get bored with a monogamous relationship. The fact that he keeps coming back to could just be an indicator that he is looking for a little change in his life, something to relight the fire as it were.

You made a fairly obvious point of noting your mother's MS. Was that a factor in his decision for an extramarital affair? If not it seems like an odd inclusion of your post. Maybe she is o.k with it, what's her view on the matter?

I don't know if it was part of his decision, but I know she is not okay with it.

But obviously she is OK with it. She may not be happy about it and it might hurt her feelings but she is still there. So lets flip this coin for a minute. How is your dad supposed to feel that someone is with him only because they need him for financial support? 2 pages of your dad is a douchebag and nothing about your mom using him? Or how about the religious side of it. Do you think a loving God wants marriage to be between 2 people who don't love each other? Her side is just as unjustifiable as his. Oh I can't leave him because he has the money and I might make God sad if I divorce him cuz God wants me to be unhappy but well fed.

It sounds to me like both are trapped. Neither can leave because of guilt and fear. What kind of man would he be leaving his MS stricken wife? What will become of her without his paycheck? I don't think him trying to make the best out of a bad situation is a terrible thing. He isn't lying about it or leading your mother on. He isn't forcing anything on her, she can decide to do something about it.

What I am interested in hearing is how you justify not mowing the lawn before it got to the point your sick mother had to do it

 

[Mylinkay Asdara]

Hello, Escapists. So for the past few months, my dad has been going out on Sundays and staying overnight at some girl's house. The distance isn't exactly short, either. I'm 16, and my parents are still together. He outright told my mother a while back that he was seeing her and assumes that's fine; he spends most Sunday mornings and afternoons with this girl, until Monday or sometimes even Tuesday! He even sometimes does it again later in the week!

And that's not the tip of the iceberg. My mother unfortunately has MS, Multiple Sclerosis; it's not always easy for her to walk. The grass was getting very high, and my dad used to cut the grass on weekends. He now rushes me and my sister out on Saturdays to "spend time with us", preventing him from feeling guilt when he leaves on Sunday. Anyway, because the grass was so high and I was sick, my mom went out with a fever and MS and cut the grass. This is pathetic.

We never decorated for Halloween or Thanksgiving because he's the one that normally gets the stuff down, he lies about going up his mother's who lives up the street from us to instead go to his girlfriend's. He even said he'd help my sister with homework (She's two years younger than me) more than once, and ended up just skipping some math problems she had because he wasn't there. He's also lied to my mother more than once about this.

TL;DR and otherwise; My dad's basically cheating on his wife, and it's affecting all of us. Is he justified at all in doing this? My mom doesn't yell at him or really do much to stress him out as far as I know.

EDIT: Can anyone also tell me what I should do? I don't want to approach him on the subject because I don't know what to say.

EDIT2: Both my sister and myself are in expensive Catholic high schools; my father is the one who pays for them. And my mom is, again, unemployed so she doesn't have much money to live off of.

EDIT3: To clarify some things: We don't know if any sexual happenings are occurring. We only know that my dad is going over her house, and spending the night there. Also, my mom hasn't had MS her whole life. Only since 1998 when my sister was born.

EDIT4: My dad has been divorced once before; this was my mom's first marriage. Both of them are religious, but I somehow doubt that he would be against divorce if he's done it before. The reason I posted here was to see if there were any other ways of thinking about it, that he may be using to justify his reasons.

I found myself in a similar situation some years back. My mother also has MS and she had remarried after divorcing my father when she was still well enough to feel spunky about a man not treating her as well as she felt she deserved. As the disease ate away at her, that sense of self worth diminished to the point of non existence and she put up with a myriad of inappropriate behaviors from her second husband, including extra marital sex that she was aware of and passed off as "because he can't have it from me like he used to" when questioned about it.

When a woman feels like she cannot keep up her end of the marriage in the bedroom due to illness it is not uncommon for her to permit a spouse to obtain sexual satisfaction elsewhere - usually at first out of love and concern for the other person - not wanting them to suffer simply because their wife is unfortunate in being sick - why should they both suffer, etc etc.

I am, personally, against this line of thinking in that - if you get married - both people should be sharing the situation they have. That's what they agreed to do. However, there is a tendency to self-sacrifice that comes into play.

What you want to watch out for - and it sounds like it may already be happening in your situation - is when the self-sacrifice becomes a road to martyrdom. Your mom did not have to go mow the lawn with a fever - she could have told you to do it, she could have told your sister to do it, she could have told your father he HAD to do it before he went and had his play time. She did it. Ask yourself: why? If people get into a mode when everyone is always feeling sorry for them, a lot of times they get to need that pity from others and begin being self-destructive to ensure that they have it. That's what brought my mother to the lowest point of her existence.

What your dad is doing is taking advantage, and it's wrong, and he should be trying to be a better husband to the wife he has - but my guess is that she is not making that as easy for him as you might think it would be. There is a lot of complicated behind the scenes things that happen in these kind of dynamics that even the kids are often completely unaware of and favoring the sick parent more often than not they tend to willfully ignore if they glimpse them.

It took me YEARS of being away from my mother to realize that she was as much of a bully as she was a victim and she was as much a part of her destruction as the people that simply participated in the plans she'd laid out for the process.

 

[Erana]

To the peddlers of sententious morality in this thread, I ask you but one question: All other things being what they are, would the OP and the mother be better off if the father left, or would they be worse off if the father left?

I've heard this kind of argument before.
It was to justify someone beating their wife.
He also said that he didn't really break her bone because it was only a fracture. To the skull.

Just don't go there. Really fucking don't. That attitude is the basis for a world of spousal abuse. And yeah, we could spend dozens, if not hundreds of pages talking about that concept, delve into how patterns of abuse form and the psychology of an abuser and the abused, but let's not, because it isn't relevant to this thread and that we honestly don't have that much information about the situation in the first place.


But what I will say is that marriages aren't business transactions, they're relationships. They involve two adults and their children, if they have them. If he's making his 16-year-old kid (who seems to be a very responsible young man) this distressed, is not coming through for his even younger daughter and is lying to his wife about doing so, is it really so damn outrageous to expect him to step up and do something about it as his dad?

I mean, yeah, he can fucking do what he wants. He could go buy a boat or get a full body tattoo of turkey basters if he wanted. But considering that he's clearly committed himself to the role of father, and ignoring the potential implications of what the OP's said concerning his marriage to his wife, its clear that the right thing for him to do is address his son's concerns. The OP is a kid, and even if he were completely off base here about what is happening, his priorities of having a strong family unit are reasonable.

The matter then is whether or not he is aware of the OP's feelings, and that then goes on to the unknown factor of if his father is potentially dangerous or not.

 

[Lyri]

Hello, Escapists. So for the past few months, my dad has been going out on Sundays and staying overnight at some girl's house. The distance isn't exactly short, either. I'm 16, and my parents are still together. He outright told my mother a while back that he was seeing her and assumes that's fine; he spends most Sunday mornings and afternoons with this girl, until Monday or sometimes even Tuesday! He even sometimes does it again later in the week!

And that's not the tip of the iceberg. My mother unfortunately has MS, Multiple Sclerosis; it's not always easy for her to walk. The grass was getting very high, and my dad used to cut the grass on weekends. He now rushes me and my sister out on Saturdays to "spend time with us", preventing him from feeling guilt when he leaves on Sunday. Anyway, because the grass was so high and I was sick, my mom went out with a fever and MS and cut the grass. This is pathetic.

We never decorated for Halloween or Thanksgiving because he's the one that normally gets the stuff down, he lies about going up his mother's who lives up the street from us to instead go to his girlfriend's. He even said he'd help my sister with homework (She's two years younger than me) more than once, and ended up just skipping some math problems she had because he wasn't there. He's also lied to my mother more than once about this.

TL;DR and otherwise; My dad's basically cheating on his wife, and it's affecting all of us. Is he justified at all in doing this? My mom doesn't yell at him or really do much to stress him out as far as I know.

EDIT: Can anyone also tell me what I should do? I don't want to approach him on the subject because I don't know what to say.

EDIT2: Both my sister and myself are in expensive Catholic high schools; my father is the one who pays for them. And my mom is, again, unemployed so she doesn't have much money to live off of.

EDIT3: To clarify some things: We don't know if any sexual happenings are occurring. We only know that my dad is going over her house, and spending the night there. Also, my mom hasn't had MS her whole life. Only since 1998 when my sister was born.

EDIT4: My dad has been divorced once before; this was my mom's first marriage. Both of them are religious, but I somehow doubt that he would be against divorce if he's done it before. The reason I posted here was to see if there were any other ways of thinking about it, that he may be using to justify his reasons.

As someone who lives and looks after someone with MS.

I really dislike your father, he's doing the old dump and run.

 

[Moth_Monk]

Yeah it could be justified. Nothing is ever black and white; I think that the age of some of the posters here shows by how they're looking at the situation.

And

What I am interested in hearing is how you justify not mowing the lawn before it got to the point your sick mother had to do it

THIS.

 

[AlphaLackey]

To the peddlers of sententious morality in this thread, I ask you but one question: All other things being what they are, would the OP and the mother be better off if the father left, or would they be worse off if the father left?

I've heard this kind of argument before.
It was to justify someone beating their wife.
He also said that he didn't really break her bone because it was only a fracture. To the skull.

Just don't go there. Really fucking don't. That attitude is the basis for a world of spousal abuse.

I don't know which is worse: the fact that this analogy doesn't work worth a damn, or that you're attempting to compare a complex moral and ethical issue with something that is cut-and-dried unacceptable.

And yeah, we could spend dozens, if not hundreds of pages talking about that concept, delve into how patterns of abuse form and the psychology of an abuser and the abused, but let's not, because it isn't relevant to this thread and that we honestly don't have that much information about the situation in the first place.

.... you bring up a complete red herring, and then say you don't want to do there because it's irrelevant? You remind me of folks who call into sports talk shows and ramble on for 10 minutes before saying ".. but that's not what I wanted to talk about." But agreed: Let's NOT go there. Instead, let's answer the specific question to this specific dilemma. All other things being what they are, would the OP and the mother be better off if the father left, or would they be worse off if the father left?

Yeah it could be justified. Nothing is ever black and white; I think that the age of some of the posters here shows by how they're looking at the situation.

Some things are black and white, but they are mostly things that are theoretical or artificial in nature. I would certainly agree that this is not one of those things that are black and white, and also agree that a lot of people are showing much about themselves with the pat glibness of their responses.

 

[Zen Toombs]

-OP snip-

*hugs*
I am so, so sorry for what is going on with your family. I agree with most of the posts I have seen (that is, your dad is doing all sorts of wrong things), so I don't really have more to add on that front.

What I can do is tell you that you have a group here who supports you and will be there for you. If you want to talk, just send me or any of these other fine fellows a message. ^_^

 

[Rad Party God]

Damn... that's definitely serious.

You have my sympathies OP, it definitely must be hard. Very, very hard.

I never justify cheating, under any circumstances, I'm not anyone to tell other what should they do with their lives, but if I were you, I'd tell my dad to stop fucking around, especially with my sick mother who especially needs him the most.

Other than that I can't say, I'm bad at giving advice to strangers.

 

[Zyst]

I'm sorry I'm going to play devil's lawyer here but how the hell is it wrong? He is being honest about it. If your mom can't even walk then I doubt sex is on the table either. He is paying for your stuff, he is supporting your mother and same goes for you sister. It's not "Guilt hanging out" either, he genuinely wants you guys to know that even through that stuff he loves you. He's not taking advantage of anyone, everyone knows what's going on. If you mom were NOT fine with it she should speak up, but that's the only thing wrong here. I've had poly amorous relationships before where I was the only one doing multiple dating and as long as your other party knows, keeps silent ergo consents there's no reason why you should stop.

 

[Adam Jensen_v1legacy]

I usually don't give a shit about people who post their problems online, but this time it's different. I'm so sorry about your mom. There are few things that make me emotional, and betrayal is one of them. And cheating on your SO is betrayal. If my father did that to my mother, I'd fuckin' castrate him and break every bone in his body. Where the fuck are his priorities? Instead of taking care of his sick wife and his kids he's screwing around with some girl? Fuckin' asshole if you ask me.

 

[Dante dynamite]

I am sorry for whats happening your father is a jerk for doing this your mother has MS and he is using his mother as a front what you should do is guilt him into stopping try to get all of you to go to church and tell the pastor to go over adultery and how it will send sinners to hell next you should tell him when he comes home that your grandmother called and was looking for him this might scare the shit out of and he might try to make up some bullshit excuse and the one last things you can do is follow him and get evidence if he try's to divorce your mother give this as evidence and he'll be writing a big alimony check every week and child support or just confront the girl friend and work things out with her or try to make her go away (wink,wink)or threaten her or in all honesty i would say confront the old basted cheating man man

The first idea worked for a friend of mine besides being lonely and hates herself from time to time for wasting her life with that prick she lives comfortably in the house he paid for in his car using his money to buy a phone and send her kids to school and every month she gets a check from a man she hates

 

[The Last Nomad]

Whats your mums opinion on this? maybe she wants him to be happy and to have sex with someone. She can't exactly do it if he MS is that bad (trust me on that).

Don't condemn him straight off, but don't rest until you get all the facts.

 

[TK421]

No. Cheating is never justified, under any circumstance. It is even worse in yours when his actions are so directly and negatively affecting the whole family.