Kind of a sensitive question

[Abseith]

A few people might remember me I posted a few week ago asking how to handle my girlfriend being pregnant etc so ill just recap a bit for general knowledge

I'm 18 my girlfriend is 17 about 3 week ago we found out she was pregnant obviously this was a huge shock and I freaked out a little hence my last post but I came round to the idea and eventually got into it and became really excited

now onto recent developments

we had the first scan last week and found out there was a serious problem of hydrochepelus (don't think I spelt it right but meh) which is pretty much a huge build up of fluid inside the brain cavity so there was little to no brain formation and we were told that our child would either be still born or so completely handicapped that any kind of life it would have would just be cruelty to force it through so we've opted for the humanitarian route of a termination which is scheduled for next week now but my question is since this is obviously a huge thing and massively upsetting to everyone involved am I an extremely horrible person for wanting this all over and done with so me and my girlfriend can start trying to move on and heal from the experience so we can try in the future if were still together

really sorry for the wall of text and I thank everyone who reads it immensely

 

[Paksenarrion]

It was the only option you could humanely do. Are you two ready for a child, much less one that will require special attention? You can always try again in the future.

 

[zombiesinc]

How is it horrible to wish something that difficult and stressful to those involved to be over and done with? You two have dealt with some very big news, come to grips with it, only to be told your child won't live a healthy life. It's a lot to take in for anyone, so there's absolutely nothing wrong with you wanting this to be over with. You're focused on getting through this so you can work towards healing and moving on, which is exactly what you should be focused on right now. Best of luck with everything.

really sorry for the wall of text and I thank everyone who reads it immensely

Absolutely no need to apologize. If anyone feels as if they deserve some sort of apology for having to read more than a few sentences, they shouldn't be on a forum, which is based on text communication.

 

[Abseith]

but the problem is im just so uncaring about it all now and i feel horrible for it its like they might want to do a post mortem and my girlfriend wants a funeral for closure asked me how i felt and all i could think is i really dont care anymore lets just get this over with

 

[AdmanUK]

You did the only thing you could do, you made a difficult choice and should have no regrets. Chin up dude, I know you must feel terrible now but things will get better. Have no regrets man, you did the right thing.

 

[RhombusHatesYou]

Hydrocephalus? Fuck, harsh break, man.

For what it's worth, you're doing the right thing. Whoever told you about the resulting outcome of hydrocephalus was being straight up (I'm hoping it was your medico). Horrible thing... just fucking horrible.

Are you a horrible person for wanting this all over and done with? Fuck no. It's a terrible situation and only a complete idiot wouldn't want it over and done with so they (and everyone involved) can start healing from the ordeal and get back to living their lives.

Some fuckheads are likely to try and tell you that... well, it doesn't matter exactly what they try and tell you because if they aren't supporting your decision then they're wrong and are the type of person who tries to enforce their own rigid morality on other people without consideration, thought or any shred of human kindness... so fuck 'em (and not in the good way). You and your missus are going to be going through enough pain as it is without moral high horse types kicking you while you're down.

Chin up, chest out, and spit in the eye of the pricks who try to knock you down.

 

[RhombusHatesYou]

but the problem is im just so uncaring about it all now and i feel horrible for it its like they might want to do a post mortem and my girlfriend wants a funeral for closure asked me how i felt and all i could think is i really dont care anymore lets just get this over with

Are you uncaring or are you numb? Life has just taken a good, hard kick are your emotional balls and your brain is probably still in "too much input. gone fishin'" mode.

As for your missus wanting a funeral... if that's what she needs then that's what she needs. You might not care about it but she does and at the moment she needs you to care about her and what she cares about... if you get what I'm saying? Lass will need you there to take part in things and support her or she'll most likely come to the conclusion that you're blaming her for all of this. Don't let that happen.

 

[Abseith]

ive never been the most emotional of people so i cant really tell the difference sometimes

and i know she needs me there and im trying very hard not to just say i need a few days away and just walk for a while but she knows i dont blame her ive explained to her already i knew a little about the condition from some show years ago and i know its not the fault of a mother just something going a bit wrong somewhere and she doesnt need to worry about that from me

but i think im kinda just done wi the situation now its been a long week and next one will be even longer and ive got to sit back and as her mum told me "dont dare to break because ive to stay strong for my girlfriend"

 

[Connor Lonske]

I say go for the abortion, spare him a life that you can't afford to give him. If your girlfriend protest, then their is nothing you can do, and it would be best for you to take as much care as you can for the kid.

 

[zombiesinc]

I say go for the abortion, spare him a life that you can't afford to give him. If your girlfriend protest, then their is nothing you can do, and it would be best for you to take as much care as you can for the kid.

They are going to terminate, that's not the issue at hand. It's more dealing with the situation, getting through it, and wanting to get past it, as quickly as possible.

 

[rutger5000]

Last post I still regarded you as a completely childish wuss. This has changed. No you are not a horrible person to quickly want to get over this, any sane person that truly realize the situation he is in would feel the same. You were a horrible for not taking the situation seriously before (sorry that is really the impression you gave in your earlier posts). But this makes you a functional healthy human being, seek some counseling to deal with all of this. Like I said it's very healthy and natural to feel the way you do. This whole situation is way too much for you to handle, and there is no shame in looking for help. And it's great that you've got the positive attitude of wanting to continue with your life, a lot of people would have endlessly dwelled over the whole matter. You wish to get over it and move on, that's great.

 

[similar.squirrel]

Termination is the right choice, and do not let anybody tell you otherwise. What you are feeling is probably emotional exhaustion, not apathy. It is perfectly understandable. Find strength in taking care of your girlfriend [this has probably hit her harder than you, biologically speaking. That is not to say that it is easy for you] and move on. I'm really sorry to hear about your loss.

 

[ultrachicken]

You did the right thing. Having a child at your age, especially a mentally handicapped one, would be severely emotionally draining for both you and your girlfriend. Not to mention the fact that it would be rather inhumane to birth a child like that.

Also, you shouldn't need to apologize for any length of text. I wouldn't constitute what you typed as a "wall of text" anyways.

 

[Polarity27]

You did the right thing, and you're not a terrible person to want a stressful situation to just be over, already, so you can get on with your lives.

But. While it's a thing that's happening to you too, it's not happening in your body. She's having more trouble coming to terms with it, that's understandable too. If she wants the ritual of a funeral for closure, buck up and stand at her side and have one. She needs you to be strong for her and with her right now. (Though IMO it wouldn't be a bad thing for both of you to have other people you can talk to. Professional people, if it would help and you two can afford it.)

 

[LetalisK]

my question is since this is obviously a huge thing and massively upsetting to everyone involved am I an extremely horrible person for wanting this all over and done with so me and my girlfriend can start trying to move on and heal from the experience so we can try in the future if were still together

As opposed to wanting to stagnate and dwell on the issue, living in complete misery and unable to get over it? I think your feelings are fairly normal.

 

[Blodlust]

Do the abortion! That thing in your girlfriends stomach isn't even concious at all, and risking having a retarded kid as a result is not something that you want.
I would abort it as soon as possible.

 

[Terminal Blue]

Oh, dude.. that sucks.

Talk to your doctor. Hydrocephalus can either be quite manageable (though it requires surgery every five to ten years) or extremely debilitating. If your doctors are advising you to terminate, the chances are they think it's the latter.

Don't push your girlfriend too hard to move on. Chances are she will never get over it. It'll probably be easier because there won't be the 'what if' which exists from aborting a healthy baby, but still very few people walk away from an abortion emotionally unscathed. It's going to be very difficult, and the only thing you can do is bend over backwards to support her in this situation and put as little pressure on her as possible.

For you and me, the baby is a completely abstract concept, but she's been growing and nurturing this thing for a while and now she has to kill it. That's.. difficult on levels I think it's quite difficult to understand.

 

[Zaverexus]

It was the only option you could humanely do.

I agree, this sounds severe. I've worked with mentally handicapped children for my whole life and have never heard of this issue, which makes me think there were few options besides what you chose.
I wish you luck

 

[Rylot]

but i think im kinda just done wi the situation now its been a long week and next one will be even longer and ive got to sit back and as her mum told me "dont dare to break because ive to stay strong for my girlfriend"

That seems exceptionally harsh and callous. Your girlfriend does deserve your support and you shouldn't break down in front of her. But to say that you need to be an emotional pillar and never show any cracks 24/7 for the duration is down right inhuman. You are in no way less of a man for being human, just be careful who you vent to. On the reverse don't feel like you need to grieve to other people's standards. You are the father in this situation and how you choose to deal with it is your own personal choice.