Letters to Skyrim

[-Ezio-]

Dear Guards of Skyrim,

i know your jobs are tedious now that you have fallen victim to the notorious knee bandit and you take any chance you get to engage in conversations with visiting adventurers. but i must say i find your comments about my smelling like wet dog very racially insensitive, as i'm sure my lycanthropic brothers do as well. i suggest you institute some sort of mandatory public relations course before a less tollerent werewolf decides to eat you all.

Sincerely,
Risa

P.S: Stop commenting on my ear fluff, it upsets me.

-----

Dear Corpses of Skyrim

You are dead and there is no way my arrows are embedded that deeply within your face that i should be unable to retrieve them. in short: release my arrows, they are quite expensive.

Sincerely,
Risa

P.S: please stay dead, i dont want to lose anymore arrows through those oblivion gates you call eye sockets.

-----

Dear Whoever has Kidnaped my Dog

I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my dog go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.

Vengefully,
Risa

 

[Kopikatsu]

P.S. Why is it that I can kill these supposedly nigh invincible dragons without breaking a sweat but a bandit leader with a two handed axe has completely handed my arse to me? Maybe he should be your champion.

Because you can absorb their souls. If the Dragon's soul isn't absorbed when it is killed, then it'll just revive itself. Dovahkiin isn't the only one who can kill Dragons...but s/he's the only one who can make them stay dead.

 

[PinkiePyro]

Dear bandits of skyrim,

May you all be fucked in the face by a troll
I have no interest in fighting you when there is a dragon to not only set fire to your fort/dungeon/hovel but also the nearby town village.

sincerely,
wildmoon

 

[Blondi3]

Dear Skyrim,
I had to choose between you and Saints Row The Third, I chose Saints Row The Third.
I could not care any less about you, maybe it's the ridiculous amounts of hype you have gotten and still do despite being out for over a week now. I never cared about you and I probably never will, as long as people keep preaching you as some gift from the gods, I will not care about you due to the astronomically high expectations everyone sets up, knowing damn well it will never reach those expectations.

Sincerely,
Tristen

Dear Tristen,
Angst ridden posts based on nothing to express nothing will obviously accomplish nothing.

Sincerely,
Captain Obvious

Well you would know. =P

=D Of course! Only way to be honest and educated about something is to have experienced itself.

 

[Furioso]

Dear Corpses of Skyrim

You are dead and there is no way my arrows are embedded that deeply within your face that i should be unable to retrieve them. in short: release my arrows, they are quite expensive.

Sincerely,
Risa

P.S: please stay dead, i dont want to lose anymore arrows through those oblivion gates you call eye sockets.

I'm pretty sure that has to do with the chance that the arrow head could break on contact with bones or skull, rendering it useless

 

[pspman45]

Dear Skyrim,

I was exploring your beautiful mountain range when I got trololololed by two dragons and a frost troll

I was fine, but I found the whole experience overall inconvenient, as I was almost over encumbered before I left the Dungeon, and 150 pounds of dragon crap is hard to make space for
please give me more carrying capacity, as 500 is not enough as of now

Sincerely,
Bal-Shik: Argonian Assassin

 

[Right Hook]

P.S. Why is it that I can kill these supposedly nigh invincible dragons without breaking a sweat but a bandit leader with a two handed axe has completely handed my arse to me? Maybe he should be your champion.

Because you can absorb their souls. If the Dragon's soul isn't absorbed when it is killed, then it'll just revive itself. Dovahkiin isn't the only one who can kill Dragons...but s/he's the only one who can make them stay dead.

Huh I didn't know dragons could be revived like that, interesting. Still I guess my point was some random enemy with a shitty weapon and shitty armor managed to completely destroy me and yet I have no problem taking on full grown dragons which, in my opinion, should probably be one of the toughest enemies you face, I mean it's a friggin dragon!

 

[TheAceTheOne]

Dear Guards of Markarth and various city officials in Markarth,

I apologize for following a trail of corruption that implicates you in dirty dealings. I well and truly am. As a Listener of the Dark Brotherhood and Guildmaster of the Thieves Guild, I figured that I would attempt to help the fine city of Markarth and its citizens, from whom I've nicked countless valuables, as repentance for said nicking.

In return for helping expose the imminent corruption plaguing the streets, I found myself with blades held at my throat, in a church of all places, with a murdered fellow lying face-down on the altar. I'll admit, I thought it was a misunderstanding, until the guardsmen around me began threatening me. After having helped clean up the fine city of Markarth, I figured I'd be rewarded as a hero rather than being arrested.

Send my condolences to the families and friends of 90% of your city garrison.

Sincerely,
Endon, Listener and Guildmaster of the Skyrim branches of the Dark Brotherhood and Thieves Guild, Respectively

PS: You should have trained your guards to accept my yield or to take my bribes.

 

[DANCEMASTERAFRO]

Dear Skyrim,

I am your finest warrior, I have slew countless dragons, reinvigorated our independence, chartered many mysterious dwarven ruins, I have smithed mighty arms and sold them to you to bolster our economy, I have defeated horrible monstered and undead dragon priests so they may never harm our populace, those who would terrorize our lands have had their throats slit by my daggers, their hearts pierced with poisened arrows or skulls cracked with my mace and shield. As I write this letter from the shadows of an Imperial ship called "The Katariah" and seal the fate of our mighty country, I ask you but one favour.

Please stop asking me to enchant your weaponry, I know your sword couldn't cut a sweetroll, that it's as blunt as a butter knife, but I am a mere novice of enchanting and I have more important stuff to do liek save the world, it's not my problem you can't use a grindstone.

Best Wishes,

Arch-Mage Einar Thorim, Listener, Leader of The Companion, 2nd in command of the Stormcloak Army, Master of the Thieves Guild, Dovahkiin.

 

[-Ezio-]

Dear Corpses of Skyrim

You are dead and there is no way my arrows are embedded that deeply within your face that i should be unable to retrieve them. in short: release my arrows, they are quite expensive.

Sincerely,
Risa

P.S: please stay dead, i dont want to lose anymore arrows through those oblivion gates you call eye sockets.

I'm pretty sure that has to do with the chance that the arrow head could break on contact with bones or skull, rendering it useless

and yet i can shoot the same arrow into a wooden pole over and over and it'll be fine. D8

 

[theheroofaction]

To the various adventurers of Skyrim.

I would ask that, when you hire a mage to assist you in your ventures that you recognize that you are in fact not immune to the explosive effects that you hired the aforementioned individual for, and should thus keep away from any individual said mage is pointing at.

-Sincerely
Archmage Ivan Dovah

 

[dave1004]

Dear Skyrim,

My heart is heavy with woe. On this recent fine eve, I was taking a pleasant stroll on the mountains near Riverwood. Whilst I was out there, I spotted an interesting cow resting in a garden. I quietly began to sneak, and withdrew my bow. That level 60 sneak with 6 perks in it seems to pay off well. As I knocked the arrow, nobody noticed me. The problem is, the second that arrow flew and hit the cow, I was caught. Yet, I can sneak in broad daylight in the middle of town, shooting innocent people in the necks...And not get caught. Why are these animals so darn irritating?

-An annoyed Dunmer. (Dunmer = Dumber?)

 

[Furioso]

Dear Corpses of Skyrim

You are dead and there is no way my arrows are embedded that deeply within your face that i should be unable to retrieve them. in short: release my arrows, they are quite expensive.

Sincerely,
Risa

P.S: please stay dead, i dont want to lose anymore arrows through those oblivion gates you call eye sockets.

I'm pretty sure that has to do with the chance that the arrow head could break on contact with bones or skull, rendering it useless

and yet i can shoot the same arrow into a wooden pole over and over and it'll be fine. D8

Wood is softer than bone :3

But I get your point, but without it anyone could get by on a single arrow, and that would be kind of ridiculous

 

[Lewieroo0]

Dear Skyrim

The children of your country appear to have very appalling manners and tendency's towards racism (Being a High Elf i am quite offended). Their continuous annoyance to my presence is driving me ever more closer to going on a killing frenzy, please give them the appropriate punishment.

Best Regards

An Anonymous High Elf Companion

PS: If you happen to hear about a werewolf devouring a racist boy in Riverwood... I didn't do it!

 

[Right Hook]

Dear Skyrim,
I had to choose between you and Saints Row The Third, I chose Saints Row The Third.
I could not care any less about you, maybe it's the ridiculous amounts of hype you have gotten and still do despite being out for over a week now. I never cared about you and I probably never will, as long as people keep preaching you as some gift from the gods, I will not care about you due to the astronomically high expectations everyone sets up, knowing damn well it will never reach those expectations.

Sincerely,
Tristen

Dear Tristen,
Angst ridden posts based on nothing to express nothing will obviously accomplish nothing.

Sincerely,
Captain Obvious

In continuation of Captain Obvious,

It should also be taken into account that a game that people love so much that it gets LOTS of hype probably shouldn't be ignored, even if it can't meet ridiculous expectations, it still means it's most likely REALLY good, avoiding a really good game simply to prove a point that you dislike hype is extremely stupid.

Sincerely,
Every other person that thought Skyrim was overhyped but was smart enough to realize that doesn't make it worth passing up.

 

[-Ezio-]

Dear Corpses of Skyrim

You are dead and there is no way my arrows are embedded that deeply within your face that i should be unable to retrieve them. in short: release my arrows, they are quite expensive.

Sincerely,
Risa

P.S: please stay dead, i dont want to lose anymore arrows through those oblivion gates you call eye sockets.

I'm pretty sure that has to do with the chance that the arrow head could break on contact with bones or skull, rendering it useless

and yet i can shoot the same arrow into a wooden pole over and over and it'll be fine. D8

Wood is softer than bone :3

But I get your point, but without it anyone could get by on a single arrow, and that would be kind of ridiculous

no what's ridiculous is the price of ebony arrows. thank Azura my wife has a job so i can pay for them all. actually that gives me an Idea.


Dear Elrindir,

As I'm sure you're aware i've been a frequent customer of yours since my move to Whiterun and have previded you with a great deal of Gold. i am hoping that your gratitude may earn me a discount on future arrow purchases. since many of these arrows are used in the defence of you and our fine city i believe it to be more that worth while. Remember; no arrows mean no dead dragons.

i'm sure we can come to some arangement.

Sincerely,
Risa

 

[Blondi3]

Dear Skyrim,
I had to choose between you and Saints Row The Third, I chose Saints Row The Third.
I could not care any less about you, maybe it's the ridiculous amounts of hype you have gotten and still do despite being out for over a week now. I never cared about you and I probably never will, as long as people keep preaching you as some gift from the gods, I will not care about you due to the astronomically high expectations everyone sets up, knowing damn well it will never reach those expectations.

Sincerely,
Tristen

Dear Tristen,
Angst ridden posts based on nothing to express nothing will obviously accomplish nothing.

Sincerely,
Captain Obvious

In continuation of Captain Obvious,

It should also be taken into account that a game that people love so much that it gets LOTS of hype probably shouldn't be ignored, even if it can't meet ridiculous expectations, it still means it's most likely REALLY good, avoiding a really good game simply to prove a point that you dislike hype is extremely stupid.

Sincerely,
Every other person that thought Skyrim was overhyped but was smart enough to realize that doesn't make it worth passing up.

I honestly didn't know it was hyped other than the non-stop Escapist commercials for it. I was taking my last bet with Bethesda. The game looked decent in presentation so I took the risk and it paid off. Just my type of explore endlessly without aim game. Immersion is what I want from a single player game. It's not perfect, but it's better than almost everything else.

 

[faefrost]

Dear Skyrim,

After spending some time in your delightful and rustically quaint cities and towns and roaming your fair hills and streams, I have one suggestion for your tourist boards. Mapmaking! It's a valuable skill. Meteorology not as much. When fair visitors to your august land pull out a map they wish useful information, such as where the roads are. Looking at a map for the current state of the weather really is not what they are typically going for. And while we are on that subject... Is showing visitors the weather ahead of time something that you really want to do? I mean truthfully we do not need the "magic weather maps" to accurately predict your weather at any given time. It's LOUSY! COLD, WET and SNOWING! That's pretty much all you've got. Advertising this fact does not increase the tourist trade.

A helpful tourist

PS The rest of the world has this newfangled invention called "fire". Please consider using it on your dead. You will thank me.

 

[busterkeatonrules]

Let's see you do something useful for once.Take a note, Lydia. No, don't write THAT. Well, cross it out, then.

Dear Skyrim,

Being a Catijh Kajiht Khajiit in your country sucks in more ways than I care to keep track of. Even while torn apart by a civil war, the people of Skyrim remain pretty much unified in their active distrust against anything that isn't a Nord.

It is also very cold here.

But the one thing that irks me the most is the way that, every time I leave my house, I come back to find that a selection of my carefully stacked possessions have been spread all over the floor by some mysterious force. I paid good money for that house, and I really should be able to keep my skooma valuables there without incident.

Please, Skyrim, just try and show some basic respect for the property of others.

Sincerely,

Whiskers the Khajiit,

Head of the Riften Thieves Guild. NO, DON'T WRITE THAT!

Well, CROSS IT OUT! And try not to get eaten by a dragon on your way to the post office. Again.