Letters to Skyrim

[Luciella]

Dear Tamriel

(spoiler -Dark Brotherhood- alert, not end of main story)

After the drag of becoming the head of the Dark Brotherhood by the lil task of killing the old emperor. I belive that u could grant me the wish of being the next Empress, you know? im Imperial, im a hero and a conqueror, have assasins, a deal with the dead,im a sage and most importantly the only Dovahkiin of the century and a bit cowardy avoiding the Alduin fight and traveling around with an elder scroll as if it was just toilet paper. (not that i used it for that)

I have the Empress cloths (from the emperors body itself), the shoes and a nice collection of tiaras that fit perfectly.
Can i be the Empress?? pretty please?

Sincerely with love
The eager DB Listener of Tamriel
(and Dovahkiin)

 

[Qitz]

Dear Skyrim,

FUS RO DAH!

Enjoy your trip down the mountain.

-Dovahkiin

 

[ShindoL Shill]

Dear Tamriel Guards Union (Skyrim branch),

I was shocked at the state of your guard garrisons, especially in the Rift. I was strolling through Riften (the hold capital no less!) and saw dead guards littering the streets. I assumed the many deaths had severely limited the ability to clear the streets whilst maintaining patrols. This was a week ago. Since then, today is the first day I have seen a patrol. In fact, the entire garrison was firing on a single thief. The entire populus was fleeing from one man because of the excessive force taken. I appraised the thief's goods (I was actually the one to take him down, on my own) and the value was less than a few hundred septims. The thief corpse was left lying next to a pool of blood left by a slain guard (I took it upon myself to drag these bodies and dump them in the canal).
Let's address the key issue here: one thief removed the entire guard force from Mistveil Keep over cutlery and trinkets. Given that the force there is always the same level, and there have been no new patrols, I think killing them one by one would leave the city undefended in a time of civil war and dragon attacks.

Sincerely, T'rmel the Gentle-Cat Thief.

P.S. I find it shocking that I am allowed to work as a woodcutter. I spend entire days with a heavy axe in my hands, yet I am a well-known criminal (in fact, the previous time I was near heavy axes, Imperial troops and the Whiterun Hold I was about to take a lengthy trip to Sovngarde), a fact I told the Jarl straightaway.

Dear Skyrim,

while your natives are drunken racists dickheads and your climate is utterly unwelcoming I am most upset by your traditonal cooking or better lack of thereof. You can't seriously call this a satisfying cuisine. I can cook all day, the finest stew of all Tameriel but smithing one dagger and enchantig it with a lousy excuse for a soulstone is more appreciated than a five star menue with 12 courses and several desserts.

By the way, cooking is seriously underrated and you can't even buy decent cooking equipment or garments. I had to kill a mad chef in the gutters of Riften in order to get some halfway decent outfit.


Your's faithfully

Ag'Gro Notch Finest Chef and Master Saucier of Orsinnium and Beyond

Dear Ag'Gro Notch,

I personally appreciate your tales of cookery. Might I suggest paying a visit to a colleague of mine and purchase the following:
Eldar Cheese Wheels
Moon Sugar
Ale
It makes a wonderful culinary experience from my homeland named Elsweyr Fondue.
If you add a little Nightshade and get rid of the cheese and ale then it's a lot better.

T'rmel the Gentle-Cat Thief and Part-Time Dealer.

 

[SoopaSte123]

Dear Skyrim,

Let me first say that your people are very... tasty. Except your children, that only jump out of bed and whine and call the guards. But why do your people get such little sleep? Some stay up for days (perhaps more) on end!
And may I ask why your daytime officially begins at 5 AM when the sun is nowhere to be seen?

Sincerely,
A Hungry, Pale Dark Elf

 

[Luke3184]

Dear Skyrim

Upon purchasing the rather impressive Proudspire Manor I was devastated to learn I could not display my beautiful,shiny Daedric weapons and swords of authority on its wall panels. Whilst I will confess I do travel a lot, I do enjoy returning to a well decorated home, especially if those decorations remind my wife that souls are very negotiable if I get a fancy mace out of it.

Yours

A burdened Wood Elf

 

[Timberwolf0924]

Dear Skyrim,

Your name is just dirty.. also I seem to have lost my dog Barbas, he will talk your ear off, and I really need to give him to someone important to me. So, if you see him send him to my house in Whiterun, cause the ones in Markath will attack me on sight, even though they've sent me to jail 12 times, I come out they are ready to kill me.

Thanks in Advance
Cuts-The-Throat, Argonian Listener of the Night Mother

 

[SidingWithTheEnemy]

Dear Skyrim,

while your natives are drunken racists dickheads and your climate is utterly unwelcoming I am most upset by your traditonal cooking or better lack of thereof. You can't seriously call this a satisfying cuisine. I can cook all day, the finest stew of all Tameriel but smithing one dagger and enchantig it with a lousy excuse for a soulstone is more appreciated than a five star menue with 12 courses and several desserts.

By the way, cooking is seriously underrated and you can't even buy decent cooking equipment or garments. I had to kill a mad chef in the gutters of Riften in order to get some halfway decent outfit.


Your's faithfully

Ag'Gro Notch Finest Chef and Master Saucier of Orsinnium and Beyond

 

[ZeroMachine]

Dear Skyrim,

We all know Skooma doesn't just restore 25 stamina. Nice try.

Sincerely,
Not As Gullible As You Apparently Think

P.S. I won't be telling anyone new to the series about it. HEY NEW GUYS! Try Skooma next time you're out of stamina. I'm curious to see what happens.

... ER, if you have all the stamina you need. Haha... hah...

 

[ZeroMachine]

Dear Skyrim,

while your natives are drunken racists dickheads and your climate is utterly unwelcoming I am most upset by your traditonal cooking or better lack of thereof. You can't seriously call this a satisfying cuisine. I can cook all day, the finest stew of all Tameriel but smithing one dagger and enchantig it with a lousy excuse for a soulstone is more appreciated than a five star menue with 12 courses and several desserts.

By the way, cooking is seriously underrated and you can't even buy decent cooking equipment or garments. I had to kill a mad chef in the gutters of Riften in order to get some halfway decent outfit.


Your's faithfully

Ag'Gro Notch Finest Chef and Master Saucier of Orsinnium and Beyond

Dear Ag'Gro,

You name seems to be attracting some less than savory people's attention. You may want to watch yourself.

Sincerely,
Skyrim Pun Tellers Association

P.S. I would like to try a plate of your best soup. No, you read that right. A plate. Of soup.

 

[Smeggs]

Dear Skyrim,

Sarram wishes to display his utmost disgust in your racial standpoint. Half of Nords want Sarram dead, other half calls Sarram a thief and tries to throw him in prison, even during times when Sarram really didn't steal anything. Also, they call Sarram a monster because of his studies in magic. Just because Sarram used one bandit's corpse to kill his friends does not mean he is a monster...then again, maybe they meant that time Sarram accidentally burned that priest to death in Riften while trying to stop thief with Incinerate...that is beside Sarram's point.

Sarram also wished to point out a fatal flaw he found in your legal system. Sarram was made Thane in multiple cities, and found he could literally get away with murdering innocent people and half of the city guard simply by telling Guards he was a Thane. Sarram isn't sure, but found it odd he could be let off with warning when knee-deep in bloody corpses of law-enforcement.


Yours truly,
Sarram Mest'e

 

[Sassafrass]

Dear Skyrim,

Why do you let your dragons attack me at the most inconvenient of times?

There I was, in the middle of my worshipping to Azura and I started talking to the rather nice Shrine tender there. All of a sudden, a dragon decided to try and make me its next hot meal, swooping down from the sky and damn near crushing me. I, sad to say, had to put it down as it was a rather persistent bastard. That and the Shrine tender did sort of wound it quite a bit.

Another example of this dragon attack happened today when, in the middle of receiving orders from my superior in the Legion, a huge ass dragon decided to attack the camp whilst I was deep in tactical discussion with Legate Rikke. Now, as I was turning to face this new threat, a stream of what I presumed to be Nordic curse words hit me square in the face.

Keep your dragons under control or I'll be forced to shout back at them with naughty Nordic words.

Thanks, Jamie. (Head of the DB, TG, Com. and Legate of the Legion.)

P.S, keep your bungie giants though, my travelling companion seemed to enjoy her last go on them. She didn't even break a bone or anything this time.

P.P.S, I don't have whatever disease the alchemist shop owner in Whiterun accuses me of, so kindly ask her to stop saying I have it. Ta.

 

[Saggingcow]

Dear Skyrim,

My wife is dead of (cough)natural(cough) causes, why can't I remarry?

Sincerely yours,

A concerned not-murderer

P.S.
SHETOTALLYHADITCOMING

 

[Jason Danger Keyes]

Dear Bergritte Battle-Born,

While I am well aware that the apple I took from your kitchen table was indeed very tasty, sending three armed mercenaries to kill me in the wilderness was hardly a suitable response. Please accept my formal apology by way of this letter, which you will find affixed to the arrow now protruding from your neck.

Sincerely,
Thane of Whiterun, Master Archer

 

[SimpleChimp]

Dear Bergritte Battle-Born,

While I am well aware that the apple I took from your kitchen table was indeed very tasty, sending three armed mercenaries to kill me in the wilderness was hardly a suitable response. Please accept my formal apology by way of this letter, which you will find affixed to the arrow now protruding from your neck.

Sincerely,
Thane of Whiterun, Master Archer

Dear Master Archer,

ARGH OH GOD. ARGGGGHHHHHHHHHH my neck. WHY. WHATS THIS NOTE SAY. I WOULDNT KNOW. CAUSE ITS PINNED IN MY NECK

OH GOD. ARGH. blargh

dead. . . .

 

[DPSSOC]

Wow totally did not expect this thread to take off like this.

Dear Skyrim,

Please refrain from telling me not to Shout, the Greybeards insist I practice.

Sincerely, Dragonborn

Dear Skyrim,

Sabre Cats, domesticate them, now.

Sincerely, A man who wants a Sabre Cat guarding his home.

 

[jawakiller]

Dear Father,

I am hesitant to inform you that a Nord tried to molest me today. Well, at least I think it was. I asked him if he had come to lick your boots but... He got angry for some reason. So he shouted fire at me. Then swung at me. Then pulled out an elven battle axe and tried to hit me. Then he threw fire at me. Next ice and then finally lightning. He ended up snatching a sweetrole and storming out. I think he was trying to have sex with me but I'm not sure. What else could he possibly be doing? Surely he wasn't angry. A normal person would just walk away.

With love,
Your Loving Child

PS: What does Yol Toor Shul mean?

 

[Vanbael]

Dear Skyrim,

FREE YOUR HORSES, OUTLAW HUNTING, DON'T KILL SABER CATS, WOLVES, OR DRAGONS (we have concluded that dragons are an animal). IF YOU DON'T WE WILL FIRE BOMB YOUR KINGDOMS TO HELL!

Signed,
PETA

 

[|Sith|Eldarion]

Dear Skyrim
Why does your bandit population outnumber your citizen population?
Sincerely, a bewildered Redguard with a bunch of new stuff.

 

[JesterRaiin]

MMmmmffff MmmmMMGHH.

MMMmmmmmghhgmmm mmmmg hhh mmmmmmmm hhmhmhmh gghh. gmmhmhmhhmmg hmmmghh gmmmghmhmhmhmg. hmgm hmghmhmhmgmh mhghghmmgmhm gmhmgmhmgh mgmhmgmhgmmhmghmg, ghghhghhmm ummmmmgghhumm. ghmhmh.

MMMM GMGGH MH MHMHMHMHMMHM GMGMGGM HMHMHMHHHMHHHG GMGMGMGMGMGM MHHMMMMHHH GMGMGMGMGM ! MGHM !

Mghghghg.

Translation :

Dear Skyrim.

So i am some noble, also superpowered mutant and sh*t. I can kill people by shouting on them. However i was captured and now i'm riding this wagon to the place where i'll no doubtly meet my end. Gagged.

AND NONE OF THOSE 3 FU*KERS I'M RIDING WITH IS SMART ENOUGHT TO TAKE THIS GAG OUT OF MY F*CKING MOUTH SO I COULD ASSAULT THOSE IMPERIAL MOTHERF*ERS SO THAT AT LEAST SOME OF US WOULD ESCAPE ALIVE ! F*CK !

Regards

 

[aristos_achaion]

(P.S. If you happen to run into him, please ask The Butcher to kill that woman in Windhelm at his earliest convenience so I can finally buy Hjerim.)

Spoiler

You have to have entered & left Windhelm at least four times to trigger that -- fast-travelling back and forth four times from Whiterun, e.g., seems to count.