Long Distance Relationships
- Thread starter LittleJP
- Start date
Recommended Videos
I remember a study that if long-distance relationship last past the first few months (which they do less often than face to face relationship) they last longer and are more committed than face to face relationships.
In other words, LDRs tend to fail early or last long, with less middle ground than non-LDRs.
Anyways. I've never had a successful relationship that wasn't an LDR, so obviously your milleage may vary. How far apart are you? And is it the same country? France vs Spain might be much closer than California vs New York, but at least in the same country you don't have to worry about visas and immigration and so on.
My advice: talk on skype or the phone often (if your plan is good for that). Write letters every so often and send each other stuff because it's good to have something you can actually hold and look at. Have some small thing of each other you can wear, like a ring or a bracelet or something, so you feel together even when you're apart. Be very aware of each other's schedules and of the time difference, if any, and try and have some routine, as stability gives you some safety, which you otherwise don't get in an LDR as you don't know where the other person is, what they're doing, you can't just drop by, etc.
Try having dates. Get the same movie and watch it at the same time while on skype. Cook while on camera, do your laundry while on camera. Not all the time I mean, but on your date day, just spend time together but still live your regular lives too and watch each other do so. Things like seeing each other cook and do laundry make you feel closer to one another.
If you can set it up so you both have laptops with skype, for instance, and you put them on your bed and fall asleep together, it can be very bonding. Of course not everyone can sleep right next to a computer and with some lights on (so you can see each other).
Tell each other about your day a lot. You'll already feel excluded by not being there, you want to feel part of each other's lives in some ways at least.
And that's about it for now. Good luck with everything.
EDIT: I almost forgot. LDRs rarely work if there is no end in sight, unless you're both perfectly content never meeting, which is rare. So you need to feel like it's going to work in the long run, and have a plan, especially if you live in different countries. Who's going to move to whom? Are you going to both move to a totally new place?
You don't have to decide right away, you can experiment first of course. Also, try and see each other as often as possible in person. You might be able to once a month, once every three months, once a year... less than that probably isn't very viable unless it's a single time apart. Also try not to go too fast until you meet for the first time if that hasn't happened yet. Lots of things are different in person. You get to smell each other, feel each other, taste each other, and the two senses you can have from a distance (sight and hearing) can be different (they might look different, they might sound different).
Making the transition can be painless or heartbreaking. It depends. You might fall madly in love with someone who isn't who they are when not online. And then it might not work out, because when talking online you'd wish "they" were here, but if face to face you'd still miss them, because they're not the person you love and want to be around.
So I recommend seeing each other for the first time as early as possible, even if for just a very brief amount of time, just so you can know each other that way. Then you can work on moving closer together, etc, and having longer periods of times away from each other is less big of a deal because you know what to expect more.
In other words, LDRs tend to fail early or last long, with less middle ground than non-LDRs.
Anyways. I've never had a successful relationship that wasn't an LDR, so obviously your milleage may vary. How far apart are you? And is it the same country? France vs Spain might be much closer than California vs New York, but at least in the same country you don't have to worry about visas and immigration and so on.
My advice: talk on skype or the phone often (if your plan is good for that). Write letters every so often and send each other stuff because it's good to have something you can actually hold and look at. Have some small thing of each other you can wear, like a ring or a bracelet or something, so you feel together even when you're apart. Be very aware of each other's schedules and of the time difference, if any, and try and have some routine, as stability gives you some safety, which you otherwise don't get in an LDR as you don't know where the other person is, what they're doing, you can't just drop by, etc.
Try having dates. Get the same movie and watch it at the same time while on skype. Cook while on camera, do your laundry while on camera. Not all the time I mean, but on your date day, just spend time together but still live your regular lives too and watch each other do so. Things like seeing each other cook and do laundry make you feel closer to one another.
If you can set it up so you both have laptops with skype, for instance, and you put them on your bed and fall asleep together, it can be very bonding. Of course not everyone can sleep right next to a computer and with some lights on (so you can see each other).
Tell each other about your day a lot. You'll already feel excluded by not being there, you want to feel part of each other's lives in some ways at least.
And that's about it for now. Good luck with everything.
EDIT: I almost forgot. LDRs rarely work if there is no end in sight, unless you're both perfectly content never meeting, which is rare. So you need to feel like it's going to work in the long run, and have a plan, especially if you live in different countries. Who's going to move to whom? Are you going to both move to a totally new place?
You don't have to decide right away, you can experiment first of course. Also, try and see each other as often as possible in person. You might be able to once a month, once every three months, once a year... less than that probably isn't very viable unless it's a single time apart. Also try not to go too fast until you meet for the first time if that hasn't happened yet. Lots of things are different in person. You get to smell each other, feel each other, taste each other, and the two senses you can have from a distance (sight and hearing) can be different (they might look different, they might sound different).
Making the transition can be painless or heartbreaking. It depends. You might fall madly in love with someone who isn't who they are when not online. And then it might not work out, because when talking online you'd wish "they" were here, but if face to face you'd still miss them, because they're not the person you love and want to be around.
So I recommend seeing each other for the first time as early as possible, even if for just a very brief amount of time, just so you can know each other that way. Then you can work on moving closer together, etc, and having longer periods of times away from each other is less big of a deal because you know what to expect more.
Never give up, my friend. And remember, if in doubt, or you even suspect shenanigans, contact your congressman! That helped us immensely. Also, take many, many, many, many, many photos.88chaz88 said:
But congrats on the engagement, and good luck!
(Also, what countries are involved? I'm assuming one of you is American since you referred to my post.)
My gf and I started off in a long distance thing, and we've been together almost a year and a half now.
There's nothing wrong with it if you keep regular contact and make the occasional trip to see each other. Sure, it's hard, but if you've really developed strong feelings for each other, and keep regular contact, it's easy enough to make it through. As for the not being able to "be there for you" if something bad happens. Sure, it's true. They can't actually be there if something goes down unless they make the trip. But when my mom got cancer late last year and passed away earlier this year, my gf was amazingly supportive, and even offered to fly out to me. I'd have told her to come if I would have thought we'd be in any shape to let her stay with us, but we spent so much time in the hospital, she would have been miserable.
Just because they might not be able to be there physically, doesn't mean that they can't be just as supportive somewhere else.
There's nothing wrong with it if you keep regular contact and make the occasional trip to see each other. Sure, it's hard, but if you've really developed strong feelings for each other, and keep regular contact, it's easy enough to make it through. As for the not being able to "be there for you" if something bad happens. Sure, it's true. They can't actually be there if something goes down unless they make the trip. But when my mom got cancer late last year and passed away earlier this year, my gf was amazingly supportive, and even offered to fly out to me. I'd have told her to come if I would have thought we'd be in any shape to let her stay with us, but we spent so much time in the hospital, she would have been miserable.
Just because they might not be able to be there physically, doesn't mean that they can't be just as supportive somewhere else.
I'm in an internet-relationship that just went longdistance, weirdly enough.
I'm swedish and she's french.
I met her on omegle out of all places, the day after last christmas. We started talking on MSN and skype that night and we didn't sleep that night. We felt this connection almost immediately. Repeat the sleepless nights and one week later, we fell in love. We've been talking on MSN/skype and camming daily since we met and now we consider us as a couple, without even meeting eachother.
Just a couple of weeks after we met, she applied to a rotary-program with her school to study a year in Sweden, we even discovered that she would end up in the city where I was going to move to. She would arrive the same time as I moved in. It all seemed perfect.
But she did a grave mistake. The rotary found out why she wanted to study here and they have really strict rules (No dating, no drinking, etc.). Without the ability to cancel it, since she already paid for it, she was sent to Brazil instead. She arrived a week ago. So far we've only heard from eachother through emails. Hopefully we will atleast be able to talk some on the weekends.
So right now I sit in my new apartment of two weeks. It's hard to think that she would be here right now.
It's going to be a long year.
I'm swedish and she's french.
I met her on omegle out of all places, the day after last christmas. We started talking on MSN and skype that night and we didn't sleep that night. We felt this connection almost immediately. Repeat the sleepless nights and one week later, we fell in love. We've been talking on MSN/skype and camming daily since we met and now we consider us as a couple, without even meeting eachother.
Just a couple of weeks after we met, she applied to a rotary-program with her school to study a year in Sweden, we even discovered that she would end up in the city where I was going to move to. She would arrive the same time as I moved in. It all seemed perfect.
But she did a grave mistake. The rotary found out why she wanted to study here and they have really strict rules (No dating, no drinking, etc.). Without the ability to cancel it, since she already paid for it, she was sent to Brazil instead. She arrived a week ago. So far we've only heard from eachother through emails. Hopefully we will atleast be able to talk some on the weekends.
So right now I sit in my new apartment of two weeks. It's hard to think that she would be here right now.
It's going to be a long year.
Good luck to you, man. I was in one for about two years and we're together now but if one of us had to move away now, I would probably break-up!
Every minute seems so precious and it's easy to blow big things out of proportion. Do you guys schedule when you talk? This caused a lot of stress with my dude and me because we were both super busy and something would always come up. Maybe just try to leave yourselves signed into Facebook when you're at home and if the other person comes online, then you can just do a quick Video Chat Rounds (http://apps.facebook.com/chatrounds/ ). That way you can talk for a few minutes, but multiple times a day. it might a lot less pressure. I can understand why people fight in LDRs...but the more freakouts you have, the worse it is...:/
Every minute seems so precious and it's easy to blow big things out of proportion. Do you guys schedule when you talk? This caused a lot of stress with my dude and me because we were both super busy and something would always come up. Maybe just try to leave yourselves signed into Facebook when you're at home and if the other person comes online, then you can just do a quick Video Chat Rounds (http://apps.facebook.com/chatrounds/ ). That way you can talk for a few minutes, but multiple times a day. it might a lot less pressure. I can understand why people fight in LDRs...but the more freakouts you have, the worse it is...:/
I have tried one, It doesn't work. No matter how strong of a relationship you had before, in a matter of time it will deteriorate. There really is no way for a relationship to progress from a long distance. If anything it regresses, because at least for me I over analyze everything and begin to worry and then the relationship deteriorates because what is broken truly cant be fixed unless you are with each other in person.
Yeah, a long distance relationship defeats many of the points required to keep human affection alive. And that is affection itself. The internet helps with this somewhat, but it only postpones the inevitable. The relationship will break down, and it will never, ever match up to a short distance relationship.
But they have been known to work on occasion. But don't let that be any means for hope. It's likely it will die out.
But they have been known to work on occasion. But don't let that be any means for hope. It's likely it will die out.
After hearing reading some of the people on this forum's successful long distance relationships, it gives me more hope that the one that I have with my girlfriend won't be doomed to end.
After a three-year long distance relationship with an ex, that had many lies, distrusts, and well, the lack of a good maturity level, that on and off relationship ended in a lot of hurt. I couldn't get over it at all, and nothing seemed to help. I met this other girl, who was a friend of a friend who lived just a few hours away, and I used her as something to forget my ex, and it worked for a bit, but I didn't love her at all. She cheated on me, and we broke up. At this point, I promised myself that I would never be in a long distance relationship ever again, and I kept to that.
A friend, that had been with me since I met my first ex (she was always one of the most important people in my life), was also an online friend. I never thought about her in any way other than just plain friendship--never. It was something that just clicked in my mind--a realization: I love her. It was really difficult to get this through my head. I loved her. I was scared and I was stupid. She didn't love me at that moment. I felt horrible, and I stopped talking to her (stupid move).
Six months later, we speak again. I'm still madly in love with her, and I had never felt this way. We talk for a few months. She teases me that I love her. She goes on a vacation with her friends. She finds out that she loves me, too. It takes a while, and then we start our relationship.
It's been really difficult. I want to be with her really badly, but we've decided to wait two years (from now). We're both happy, and willing to dedicate ourselves to this. We've been together for a year and almost four months. It takes patience, dedication, and lots of work, but she's worth it.
After a three-year long distance relationship with an ex, that had many lies, distrusts, and well, the lack of a good maturity level, that on and off relationship ended in a lot of hurt. I couldn't get over it at all, and nothing seemed to help. I met this other girl, who was a friend of a friend who lived just a few hours away, and I used her as something to forget my ex, and it worked for a bit, but I didn't love her at all. She cheated on me, and we broke up. At this point, I promised myself that I would never be in a long distance relationship ever again, and I kept to that.
A friend, that had been with me since I met my first ex (she was always one of the most important people in my life), was also an online friend. I never thought about her in any way other than just plain friendship--never. It was something that just clicked in my mind--a realization: I love her. It was really difficult to get this through my head. I loved her. I was scared and I was stupid. She didn't love me at that moment. I felt horrible, and I stopped talking to her (stupid move).
Six months later, we speak again. I'm still madly in love with her, and I had never felt this way. We talk for a few months. She teases me that I love her. She goes on a vacation with her friends. She finds out that she loves me, too. It takes a while, and then we start our relationship.
It's been really difficult. I want to be with her really badly, but we've decided to wait two years (from now). We're both happy, and willing to dedicate ourselves to this. We've been together for a year and almost four months. It takes patience, dedication, and lots of work, but she's worth it.
