Marrying Young

[SckizoBoy]

Eh... it varies across... well, so many things: culture; family values; the couple's impulses etc. etc.

For example, at work, there are three women, all of whom married in their twenties. Oddly, the one who married youngest (22, and bizarrely had a friendship-marriage pact for age 24!) is the one who isn't pregnant... the other two married at 23/24. Granted, none of them are western European, so I'm thinking it's a cultural thing that encourages them to marry young. On the flipside, still at work, my boss has been with the same girl since before going to uni (he's 26) and they've only just moved in together. His boss got married in his thirties... every couple is thoroughly happy/content etc.

And then, there's my sister... 33 and getting married in 26 days' time... -_-

So, for it to 'work', I don't really think age has anything to do with it. Some couples can marry within a year of the first date, though I'll admit, it's getting rarer these days, and still be married when they've got great-grandkids. Others just aren't the marrying type, irrespective of age... *shrug*

 

[Gameguy20100]

I personally think Marriage is a silly concept.

But hey if they wanna do it that's their choice.

 

[TheRightToArmBears]

Well, my mum met my dad on her 18th birthday and I think she was 20 or 21 when they were married (and they still are over thirty years later- I suspect that my family background is why I'm happier with the idea of marriage than a lot of people). Personally, if I was with someone for a few years I wouldn't see why not, if I could afford it. I can certainly see why people are cautious with it, but I would be comfortable with it, although it's not like I'm dying to get married. I figure it's unlikely any partner I might have at that age would feel the same (I'm hardly a catch), so that would probably make me put it off a bit.

 

[The Artificially Prolonged]

I've had several friends get married around the age of 19-23, a couple of whom have kids now also. They seem happy enough in their decision, and after all your age when you marry isn't a guarantee it will work out anyway. Though I would say that the younger you marry the greater the chance of later realising that what you though you wanted isn't what you actually want is, but as I said that can really happen at any age. Me personally, I don't like the idea of marrying in my early 20s, too much responsibility to take on when I could just be having fun... besides who'd put up with me in the first place

 

[Atrocious Joystick]

I don't think 22 is particularly young to get married or have kids for that matter. It's on the younger side of things but not too young. In fact I think it should be encouraged. There has been a drop in fertility and that is partly because people are having kids at an older age and the older you get the worse a woman becomes at "making babies". Getting into committed relationships and having some kids at an early age is vital to turning around the problem of an aging population that a lot of first world nations are dealing with. At 22 you have been an adult for quite some time already and it isn't inappropriate to think like and make plans like an adult rather than a teenager.

 

[Abomination]

In this day and age of more independent oriented individuals, less clandestine culture and equality between the sexes both financially and socially I would consider it quite foolish to get married before one is closer to 30 than 20.

I suggest living together and being in a "financial relationship" for at least 2 years before even trying to make it a legally binding arrangement.

One might think they've "found the one" but who the "one" is now and who the "one" is after a career change can be a different beast altogether.

 

[Colour Scientist]

My understanding is that the general rule of thumb was marriage is expected/acceptable after six months of dating. My grandparents got married at 18 after dating for four months, and they were married for over fifty years (up until my grandfather passed away).

As for myself, I've wanted to be married since I was about twelve. 'Course, I'm much older now and still have yet to ever be in a relationship of any kind, so I kind of gave up on the idea of ever being married (or in a relationship).

Six months? That's an incredibly short period of time, you'd barely know the other person.

In this day and age of more independent oriented individuals, less clandestine culture and equality between the sexes both financially and socially I would consider it quite foolish to get married before one is closer to 30 than 20.

I suggest living together and being in a "financial relationship" for at least 2 years before even trying to make it a legally binding arrangement.

One might think they've "found the one" but who the "one" is now and who the "one" is after a career change can be a different beast altogether.

Living together first should be mandatory. How do you know you want to spend the rest of your life with someone when you haven't been exposed to their dirty socks on the floor?

 

[Abomination]

My understanding is that the general rule of thumb was marriage is expected/acceptable after six months of dating. My grandparents got married at 18 after dating for four months, and they were married for over fifty years (up until my grandfather passed away).

As for myself, I've wanted to be married since I was about twelve. 'Course, I'm much older now and still have yet to ever be in a relationship of any kind, so I kind of gave up on the idea of ever being married (or in a relationship).

Six months? That's an incredibly short period of time, you'd barely know the other person.

In this day and age of more independent oriented individuals, less clandestine culture and equality between the sexes both financially and socially I would consider it quite foolish to get married before one is closer to 30 than 20.

I suggest living together and being in a "financial relationship" for at least 2 years before even trying to make it a legally binding arrangement.

One might think they've "found the one" but who the "one" is now and who the "one" is after a career change can be a different beast altogether.

Living together first should be mandatory. How do you know you want to spend the rest of your life with someone when you haven't been exposed to their dirty socks on the floor?

It's why the idea of getting married after 6 months of "dating" seems just absurd. What is "dating" anyway? Going to the movies every weekend? Maybe a nice lunch or dinner. A "fun outing"? That's no way of establishing how well you're going to live with someone. You're only spending time enjoying yourselves, of COURSE that person is going to seem like the perfect match when the only thing you do with them is fun stuff.

 

[Vault Citizen]

I got engaged at 19 in 2010, we'd only been going out for four months but we'd been best friends for years. We still haven't got married but the wedding is only 34 days away. We've lived together, we love each other and we know this is what we want.

 

[Lilani]

My understanding is that the general rule of thumb was marriage is expected/acceptable after six months of dating. My grandparents got married at 18 after dating for four months, and they were married for over fifty years (up until my grandfather passed away).

Six months? Hell to the no. I don't know anybody who is comfortable with that. My family, even my grandparents, have always felt that a year is the bare minimum, and even then that's still pushing it. Two or three years is much more inside their comfort zone. And that's definitely my rule, as well. Two or three years, and a few good arguments.

OT: I think 22 is young, but not that young. My brother got married at 22, and most people are graduating from undergraduate school at 22 so it tends to be a convenient time to marry. That was his situation--had known her and dated for six years, and they married after he graduated undergraduate school and just as she was entering graduate school. I would say below 20 is too young. That's not doubting the connection the two people have, merely how convenient it is to arrange a life at that age. Most people I know still live with their parents at 18 or 19. I feel like you need to live on your own a bit before marrying. Going straight from living at mom and dad's to living with your spouse seems like an odd jump to me.

I suppose it was done a lot in the past, my parents did that, but my mom was 17 when she married and I think they would have threatened to disown me if I had done that. Because while it worked for them, they knew neither of them were never going to college and they both already had jobs in town secured. Most 17 year olds now don't know where they're going to be in a year. Hell I'm 22 and I'm still not certain.

 

[Festus Moonbear]

I got married when I was 20 and my wife 22. 10 years later we're still together and stronger than ever, with three kids. I love that I'm only 21 years older than my oldest son, rather than being 30 or 40 years older than him and a little out of touch. It was awesome for my wife and me to spend our youths together and become whole together; I think there is a risk that the longer you spend alone, the harder it becomes for you to give your life to someone in the way you need to if a marriage is going to work. Maybe that is part of why there is more divorce now - people are marrying a lot later than they used to. I dunno. I know it doesn't work for everyone, but it sure worked for us, and I have no regrets whatsoever.

 

[Meatspinner]

22 isn't that young. If you have a bank loan and are out of the house, I don't see why you can't also enter into marriage contract at that age

 

[KingsGambit_v1legacy]

As you can probably guess, I am totally baffled by their desire to get married so young. I mean, if you know you want to spend the rest of your life with this person, what's the rush into marriage? Surely, you have all of the time in the world to do it.

One of my cousins got married at 21, and I know a work friend's child got married at 19 (though in that case, they were religious and it's not unusual). I understand your point and used to think the same, but I've since changed my mind.

People have been leaving marriage and settling down later and later. For most it's now the norm to finish uni and galavant around the world, have lots of short relationships/one-night stands, establish a career first, some combination of these or the like. But I now see no issue with marrying younger. In some parts of the world, it's still common to marry as teens and even in the UK up until around WW2 it wasn't unusual either. While I realise the zeitgeist has changed (and still believe 18 and below is too young), I think 20+ is fine if it's a genuinely committed couple.

I've left it really late and if I could go back a decade and get married then, I would. Many folks in their early 20s are already in relationships and there's no reason they can't find their "The One" then. The largest problem we now face is that women are financially independant and choosing to leave marriage and kids much later, if at all. And it's easy to forget that by the time a woman is 30, she's lost half her child-bearing years (and the better half too).

Given a committed, loving relationship, I honestly now think it's better to have kids sooner, rather than later, assuming the couple intends to have them. Much better to be a youthful parent than an older one that can't keep up. I've seen friends and family I thought were too young at the time start a family, and now envy them that they're at the stage they are and still younger than I am.

 

[Miyenne]

It all depends on the people, but generally I think it's a bad idea. Most (but not all) young people now are so sheltered and have no idea how to be a proper person. You need to learn how to be alone, financially and every other way before you can be with someone else. If you jump from your parents house to a marriage it's most likely going to end badly.

I'm turning 30 and I know people my age who are on their second or third marriage. I can't even imagine how much debt they're in and how much they'll owe for the rest of their lives...

My best friend had her daughter in her early twenties, but she had the sense not to marry the guy. He's now a part time father married to a crazy woman who's knocked up. While my best friend is living quite comfortably even though she pays for everything for her daughter. She's stayed single since except for a few boyfriends that never worked out. She's now satisfied with the rare one night stand, and I can understand that.

I'm single. Still not even looking for a boyfriend. Don't care that much. If I wanted a one night stand that's not hard to find.

I'm too scared of tying my life onto someone else and then him ripping it away again. Luckily last time we were young, had nothing and broke clean apart since we weren't married. Now I'm older and have money and things that are mine and I want to remain always mine. The pre-nup I'd come up with should any relationship get that far would scare any man off.

 

[LetalisK]

22 is about right for where I live. 25 is "what took you so long"? 30 and people wonder what's wrong with you.

 

[Hero of Lime]

I'm 20 and would love to be married, but only if I believed she was "the one." I actually only know of one person from my high school class of about 90 people to be married, maybe there are others but to my knowledge there's only one. One of my friends is technically engaged to his girlfriend, but they don't have plans to marry till they are both done with school and have stable jobs, which I think is a really good idea.

 

[Kaxbe]

I really see nothing wrong with getting married young, as long as both parties involved are well-adjusted enough to be able to function as individuals first and as a couple second. Most marriages I've seen that fall apart happen solely because one person in the marriage practically put their identity on the line for the sake of the marriage.

I have quite a few friends who married young and they're showing no signs of ever slowing down. Of course, there are other friends I've had who have married young and their marriage didn't last a year. It's a case by case basis.

Last winter, I attended the marriage of one of my best friends in high school. He's finishing up college in computer engineering with a minor in behavioral sciences and his wife is a self-published writer who recently got a contract with some book company and she also breeds dogs. The two of them function well as a couple chiefly because they have their own things going on without too much of their own thing going on that they don't have time for each other.

 

[Wyes]

I have a great many religious friends who've gotten married quite young (not so much their ages but where they're at in their lives). It makes me feel very uneasy, because I feel like half of it is 'Well, we can't have sex before marriage, but we really wanna have sex, so...'.

Otherwise, I went to school on the 'rural-urban fringe', so a lot of the people I went to high school with are now married, and some are up to their second or third kids (I'm 21), which terrifies me.

That said, there are a great many factors involved. I'm still a student, and will probably be a student of some form or another for another five and a half years (the joys of wanting to be a scientist). Combined with the fact that the cost of living in Australia is absurdly high, I am probably not going to be able to move out of home for another 2-3 years. As a result, I haven't lived by myself and I'm not confident of my ability to take care of myself (even simple things like I have no idea really how to do my taxes, or to get my car registered etc.), I'm certainly not financially stable, and ignoring the fact I'm a little iffy on the concept of marriage, these factors do not make me keen on getting married anytime soon. At least some of the people I know who've gotten married young didn't face these issues.

I also have a lot of older friends (in their 40's and 50's) who swear by getting married and having kids young, because 'at that point in your life you're never going to have money anyway, and you can deal better with the lack of sleep'.

There are also biological factors at play, and not just the fact that women have a limited window of fertility. My ex had a family history of disorders in the children of mothers who'd had them over the age of 30, so she very much wants to have kids before 30 (which contributed to us breaking up, because she couldn't really see the two of us married, even though she's only 23).

I do think my sister rushed into it, getting engaged to her fiance after having only known each other for a month. They're having a long-ish engagement (~3 years), which has helped, but my whole family was very upset about it at first (my sister is the kind of girl who's really only looking to get married and have kids).

In contrast my brother is 24, owns a small business, is about to buy land, and I think he doesn't see himself getting married for a fair while yet.

It's not a simple issue, and there's no clear cut way to say 'no, you're too young, this won't work out etc.', but I do feel uneasy when people rush into marriage.

/end essay

 

[Woodsey]

A girl I know from uni is 20 and her boyfriend 23, he's never even slept with anyone else (I'd be surprised if she had) and has just proposed. They're now engaged and apparently the date's set for the summer in 2015. Good news, I'm invited and so's everyone we know.

Obviously it 's never going to happen. I will eat my own head if it does.

I'm sure most people know what it's like to be entirely into someone, but come on people, setting yourself up to be divorced before you're 30 is not something to aim for.

22 is about right for where I live. 25 is "what took you so long"? 30 and people wonder what's wrong with you.

Where do you live? Eighteen-dickety-two?

The largest problem we now face is that women are financially independant and choosing to leave marriage and kids much later, if at all. And it's easy to forget that by the time a woman is 30, she's lost half her child-bearing years (and the better half too).

This is not a paragraph that reflects all that well on you.

 

[Bat Vader]

I must admit the idea of marriage confuses me. I don't understand how two people getting married is supposed to seal their love or somehow make it stronger. It just seems so much easier to just stay unmarried so that way if both people don't want to date anymore they can just take what is theirs and go their separate ways.