Marrying Young

[FootloosePhoenix]

Well if you both know you want to spend the rest of your lives together and indeed have a desire to be bound through marriage, why not? Of course there's always the issue that you might think you know, because you never really know until you KNOW and so how can you really know...y'know?

Personally, I think a couple should be together for several years and experience the highs and lows of life before making such a huge commitment. It sure isn't a decision that should be made lightly; you not only need to know your partner extremely well but be able to trust yourself to be making a good judgment for both of you. Then there's the aspect that far too many people, it seems, consider marriage to be something you do at the "appropriate" time; as in, you get your education, get a job and then proceed to marry, have kids, save for retirement and then die as a respectable, ordinary human being. Not that there's anything wrong with making those choices if you think they're right for yourself. It's just that sense of obligation some feel to do all those things, without meditating on what they actually want out of life. But it always depends on the people involved. There's never going to be one easy answer for everybody. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years now and we're still quite young, but I've never been more certain about anything in my life than I want to live it with him. We've discussed it and we want to marry eventually; in fact I wouldn't mind it at all if we did end up marrying young.

But again, quite simply, everybody's different. It could be a great decision for you to get married young or it could be an absolutely terrible decision that will just create complications and end in a messy divorce. Discovering what you want first and foremost is probably the best advice anyone could give.

 

[In Search of Username]

Most of the guys on my uni course are talking about 'settling down' after uni, as in getting married to their current girlfriends. I personally don't want to ever get married but even talking about settling down into one semi-permanent relationship that would be considered similar to a marriage isn't something I want to do for many years.

Of course none of this matters as I have no love life regardless.

And now I made myself sad.

 

[Caiphus]

It's why the idea of getting married after 6 months of "dating" seems just absurd. What is "dating" anyway? Going to the movies every weekend? Maybe a nice lunch or dinner. A "fun outing"? That's no way of establishing how well you're going to live with someone. You're only spending time enjoying yourselves, of COURSE that person is going to seem like the perfect match when the only thing you do with them is fun stuff.

Indeed. Six months is barely long enough for the lustful bone-like-rabbits period to end. Not nearly long enough for the harsh reality of waking up to my ugly face every day for the rest of your life, certainly.

I know some cultures vary; I think Islamic folk tend to view engagement periods in a more similar way to what Western folk consider to be dating. I worked with an Iranian man for over a year. He was engaged to his girlfriend the entire time, with no date whatsoever set for a wedding, and then they broke up. So yeah.

But hey, feel free to correct me on that, Islamic people.

EDIT: I do know of a few Christian couples younger than me (I'm 20) in my wider social circle who are planning on getting married ASAP so that they can fuck. I think that way lies danger, but that's not my lookout.

 

[anthony87]

A dude I know turned 20 this year, not sure of the age of his girlfriend. They've been going out for about a year and a half now and they're engaged.

I told him that I think that's stupid but then I'm the one who's single so what do I know eh?

 

[Daveman]

22 myself and people I know who've been together for six years aren't getting married but a friend(ish) from uni who was with his girlfriend for like a year and a half is getting married this summer. THAT'S weird.

The largest problem we now face is that women are financially independant and choosing to leave marriage and kids much later, if at all. And it's easy to forget that by the time a woman is 30, she's lost half her child-bearing years (and the better half too).

This is not a paragraph that reflects all that well on you.

Eh, would agree but it is true. In his place I may have chosen "fact" rather than "problem", and definitely not "largest". Can't deny it is a conundrum for women who are making the choice.

 

[ShiningAmber]

I think engagements depend on the person. Some people just prefer marrying younger. I don't have issue with that.

Myself though, I've talked to my significant other about marriage, well he brought it up. I told him I will always say 'No' while I am studying and busy with school. But, after that has passed, then I will say 'Yes'. I need to focus on applying myself. If anything happens to our relationship, I want to know I can easily and fully rely on myself and not be stuck in some marriage and unable to do so.

Independence is important to me.

 

[mokes310]

Not saying my experiences are representative of a larger population, but of the 30 or so individuals from my graduating class in high school who got married before 25, all but one of them are now divorced.

I know from my experience, I have grown and self-actualized quite a bit during my 20's. So much so that if I had married the person I was with during my early 20's, I'd be one miserable dude. It's this guy's opinion that you should wait until you late 20's at the very earliest before you make such a serious decision. But hey, you're more than welcome to try if you're so sure it'll be different for you!

 

[SirDeadly]

I think 22 is too young, 23 is actually the age that I would consider getting married from, of course for that I would need a girlfriend... If people love each other enough and are able to secure a future funds wise (unlikely) I don't see the problem of getting married young.

 

[Phrozenflame500]

If you're financially stable, been together for a while and atleast think you're ready for it then I don't see why not.

Caution's the word of the day though, seriously, make sure you've been together long enough to properly know him. It can end REALLY badly if you don't.

 

[LetalisK]

Where do you live? Eighteen-dickety-two?

Close, Utah. We have a reputation of getting married early and having lots of kids young.

 

[Cecilo]

Everyone I have ever talked to about Marriage except my parents have a tremendous fear of it.

From the guys I hear horror stories about life-time alimony or spousal support if you live in Canada, Child-Support if you happen to have a child, not being able to see your own children if you do happen to get a divorce.

From the women I hear things about what if he is just acting this way till we get married, the same argument about Child-Support, though I haven't seen many cases about the woman in the marriage losing custody of children.

Or just in general I talk to other friends who clearly see their friend's partners being abusive or just cruel and sick before the marriage even begins and the partner not being able to see it or excusing it.

So no, I am not in any rush to get married.

 

[Brutal Peanut]

Spoiler: Well, here's what I think and about my own personal experience.Wall-O-Text!

I married young, at 22 - now 25. My husband is 6 years older than I am, currently 31. We've been together nearly 6 years, 3 years of it married this July 18th. We had talked about it, of course. I told him not to worry about having to ask me. If he decided to never ask me, I wasn't just going to up and leave him. He really is the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I was never going to force him to marry me or do anything he didn't want to. But he did propose after we really sat down and discussed it seriously. We married in a small and cheap backyard ceremony. I've actually improved as a person since we've met and been together, but it really exploded into awesomeness after we married. I lost 82lbs, got into some creative hobbies, and I am a much happier and healthier person.

A lot of people I know, aren't married, never wanted to be married, and are single parents. A majority of them with people they hardly know. Both of my sisters never married, are both in their late 30's and currently dating. Both of my parents are on their third partners. However, I also know couples, who married young, going 20, 30, 40+ years, who are quite happy. Really, my experiences are all over the board, so I try not to judge too harshly, but I like to think that waiting more than a couple months and really knowing your partner is always a good thing.

No matter what age you are, if you don't want to marry, don't. If you do, there isn't anything wrong with taking the time to really think it out AND talk it over - more than once. Also, don't allow anyone to brow-beat you or force you to do anything you don't want to do. "If you loved me, you'd _________" is a statement than really should make you rethink some things about your relationship and who you might be planning to hitch yourself to. Communication is incredibly important, and if behaviors or attitudes are sending up huge red flags, they should be addressed. If you just ignore it, everyone is going to have a bad time. If someone who claims to be your soul-mate can't love you and stay with you without being married,... marriage isn't going to suddenly 'guarantee' anything, for either one of you.

 

[alphamalet]

I just came back from a wedding yesterday where two long time freinds got married. All of us are 22 years old. Honestly, I would never marry that young but whatever floats their boat...

 

[KOMega]

Maybe some people grow up faster than others, 'cuz I don't even think I am in any position to handle any of that marriage business at all yet.

As long as both parties know what they are getting into and have plans.

22 is about right for where I live. 25 is "what took you so long"? 30 and people wonder what's wrong with you.

Huh... that's a rather small window.
But what do I know. I still feel like a kid.

 

[Colour Scientist]

The largest problem we now face is that women are financially independant and choosing to leave marriage and kids much later, if at all. And it's easy to forget that by the time a woman is 30, she's lost half her child-bearing years (and the better half too).

I fail to see how that's a problem at all, never mind the largest problem.

A dude I know turned 20 this year, not sure of the age of his girlfriend. They've been going out for about a year and a half now and they're engaged.

I told him that I think that's stupid but then I'm the one who's single so what do I know eh?

Yeah, sometimes I wonder if there's something wrong with my relationship considering I know people who are engaged at six months whereas the thought of walking up the aisle with my boyfriend (or anyone) terrifies me.

 

[KingsGambit_v1legacy]

Everyone I have ever talked to about Marriage except my parents have a tremendous fear of it.

From the guys I hear horror stories about life-time alimony or spousal support if you live in Canada, Child-Support if you happen to have a child, not being able to see your own children if you do happen to get a divorce.

From the women I hear things about what if he is just acting this way till we get married, the same argument about Child-Support, though I haven't seen many cases about the woman in the marriage losing custody of children.

That's not marriage you're thinking of dude. You've just written about divorce (which is the opposite of marriage).

 

[Galletea]

I find it a bit baffling when people decide they're getting married after only a few months of knowing each other. Age is less of an issue. I have been with my fiancé for 10 years now, and family and friends do keep asking when we're actually getting married (it has been assumed that we are going to do so for a long time, we only recently officially got engaged when I found the right ring) but it has never really been an important factor.
Sure when I was younger it was something I thought about but there was never any rush, as we don't have any plans for children, it didn't seem important. Most couples that I know (about 5 or so to be specific) that have gotten married young or pretty much straight away are those who either have kids or have a desperate need to have some.

It think most of the shock comes from your own state of mind. I have no desire or intentions to have any children, so I find it odd when other people do. I'm now in my late twenties and so it would not be unusual for me to have at least 2 of the things by now, and yet I still find it weird when people I was at school with are pushing around kids in pushchairs. If you think that you would not be ready to be married at the stage you are at in your life, then you are going to find it weird that other people do believe they are ready for that.