men involved with domestic violence

[shootthebandit]

I know this is a bit of a serious one for me but theres a video being doing the rounds recently so I thought id share it here


I know we touch on sexism/feminism a lot on here so I thought its only fitting to show the other side of the story.

Its pretty reassuring that when confronted with a man being abusive towards a woman the reaction is to step in and try to help her. However when the reverse happens the average reaction is non-chalance or even laughter

I must admit I find myself (as a man) overlooking this sort of thing. Its not the whole "men are stronger" attitude (most women could kick my arse). Its just that the media seems to concentrate on women being abused

Im not saying that abused men have it harder but I would imagine it would be harder for an abused man to go to the authorities. Judging by the reactions on this video its almost shameful or embarrassing (even more so than for a woman) to admit this is happening

Like I said, I know this is a bit of a serious one for me but I thought it was worth bringing to peoples attention

 

[Colour Scientist]

Male victims of domestic violence are slowly gaining more recognition.
It's awful that the public reaction is so varied but I've seen this video on Facebook and Buzzfeed so it is raising awareness and stimulating discussion.

The charity seems to be doing some really good work too.
A lot of domestic abuse charities are female centred so it's great to see one geared specifically towards men, hopefully that would encourage victims to come forward. It's also nice to see that it is very much centred on male victims, as opposed to men vs women.

 

[shootthebandit]

It's also nice to see that it is very much centred on male victims, as opposed to men vs women.

I like the whole violence is violence tag line. Its not pointing the finger at any specific gender

Ive noticed the youtube comment section has went all anti-feminist but im sure youve got enough internet smarts to know that the youtube comments section is a hive of trolls and uninformed yet strongly opinionated arseholes.

 

[Flutterguy]

Domestic violence can happen to anyone.

To raise awareness for a particular kind of violence seems silly to me. Like raising money to cure breast cancer. Just raise money to cure cancer.

 

[ultratog1028]

Domestic violence can happen to anyone.

To raise awareness for a particular kind of violence seems silly to me. Like raising money to cure breast cancer. Just raise money to cure cancer.

Women are easier for humans of either gender to empathize with. Better for exposure and getting support. Its wrong but it is a society thing. Same reason society turns a blind eye to males getting raped (even though it is rarer it isnt as rare as you think). Males are supposed to be "strong" and therefore immune to this crap. They aren't.

If it can happen to one group of people, it can happen to almost any.

 

[Johnny Novgorod]

If it can happen to one group of people, it can happen to almost any.

This is all USA figures, but apparently:

20% of all women suffered rape or attempted rape sometime in their life.

4.8% of all men were forced to penetrate someone else, usually a woman; had been the victim of an attempt to force penetration; or had been made to receive oral sex.

 

[ultratog1028]

If it can happen to one group of people, it can happen to almost any.

This is all USA figures, but apparently:

20% of all women suffered rape or attempted rape sometime in their life.

4.8% of all men were forced to penetrate someone else, usually a woman; had been the victim of an attempt to force penetration; or had been made to receive oral sex.

out of reported figures. Most rapes aren't reported.

Though thanks for numbers ^_^

 

[Johnny Novgorod]

If it can happen to one group of people, it can happen to almost any.

This is all USA figures, but apparently:

20% of all women suffered rape or attempted rape sometime in their life.

4.8% of all men were forced to penetrate someone else, usually a woman; had been the victim of an attempt to force penetration; or had been made to receive oral sex.

out of reported figures. Most rapes aren't reported.

Though thanks for numbers ^_^

Well yeah, of course the real numbers are going to be higher. But the point is there's a steady minimum of rape for both genders.

 

[InsanityRequiem]

If it can happen to one group of people, it can happen to almost any.

This is all USA figures, but apparently:

20% of all women suffered rape or attempted rape sometime in their life.

4.8% of all men were forced to penetrate someone else, usually a woman; had been the victim of an attempt to force penetration; or had been made to receive oral sex.

out of reported figures. Most rapes aren't reported.

Though thanks for numbers ^_^

To both you and Novgorod, I'd recommend reading http://www.slate.com/articles/double_x/doublex/2014/04/male_rape_in_america_a_new_study_reveals_that_men_are_sexually_assaulted.html since it's a more up to date report about rape and sexual violence, saying that it's becoming more equalized in who are victims.

But back on topic, I do think that victim recognition is needed for domestic violence, which this video points out splendidly that both genders can suffer it. I just wish there was an extra segment in which the actors/camera people talked to the bystanders about their actions, since even when it shows the female as the victim (To a lesser degree of violent action as well), people mainly stayed away until one/two people finally stood up and told the male actor no. Was sickening seeing the people snicker, grin, and laugh at the male actor as the victim.

 

[Elfgore]

I always love when I read through the comments and I see "Checkmate Feminist" like they just caught the movement with their pants down. Then they get torn a new one by people telling them what feminism actually is. Kinda makes me laugh every time.

But yeah, us men suffer from a couple double-standards. There is twice as many homeless men, but no men only shelters. I've seen videos show how a person is more likely to stop a male thief than a female. Quite a few. Domestic violence and rape has to be the worst of the bunch though.

 

[1337mokro]

Here's to Abe Lincoln. The original beaten down man. Got smacked with a log on the head.

 

[Vault101]

I know we touch on sexism/feminism a lot on here so I thought its only fitting to show the other side of the story.

I'm probably just being nitpicky but I'm not sure I agree with phrasing this issue as [i/]the other side[/i] which implies that a femnist vew is somehow "opoased" to the issue of male victims of domestic violence, which isn't true (aside from what people think)

but yeah, "ideas" about masculinity can be harmful to men, there was this video/monolouge on the trivialisation of male rape (which unfortunatly I can't find/link right now) which started out "funny" but soon became sad, it was about how "funny" male rape is and how a 14 year old boy getting with his teacher is "cool/lucky" which obviously...is not

I always love when I read through the comments and I see "Checkmate Feminist" like they just caught the movement with their pants down. Then they get torn a new one by people telling them what feminism actually is. Kinda makes me laugh every time.
.

not wanting to derail this thread but yeah...that pisses me off to no end

that and it becomes a fighting match between MRA's and "feminsim" rather than...you know, about the actual issue

Women are easier for humans of either gender to empathize with..

only as victims though (acording to the games industry) and I don't mean that in a de-railing "what about the wimmins" way, I mean that in a how soceity veiws each gender as "strong/weak" way...as in the expect the guy to be able to "take" it

 

[chadachada123]

I'm very glad to see this double-standard come to light, as a guy, because abuse victims, of either gender, need a support group to help them recoup.

Sadly, and this is also my main concern, there is almost zero support for adult male domestic abuse victims. Zero shelters. Zero helplines. Generally stigmatized or ignored by family and police. To make it worse, there are even plenty of instances where the male is accused of being the actual abuser, and at least some instances of the female lying to police.

 

[NeutralDrow]

I know we touch on sexism/feminism a lot on here so I thought its only fitting to show the other side of the story.

There is no "other side" of the story, except possibly the sides of the abusers themselves.

Domestic and sexual violence perpetuated by any sex against any sex is a feminist concern, because the gender-essentialist nonsense that considers women all such precious little glass sculptures is the same gender-essentialist nonsense that says that men should put up with any abuse (or they're no better than women). The same devaluation of women leaves men with reduced options.

There's also the problem that reducing this issue to "men abusing women or women abusing men" ignores the abuse victims in the gay and lesbian communities, but that might be a bit derailing here.

 

[Aaron Sylvester]

Here's what would be going through my head if I saw that specific situation, in sequence:

"Great, what did he do to piss her off like that? Sigh, couples and their squabbles."
"Oh wow she's really getting physical...she's going to push him over the limit at that rate, she's asking for it..."
"Holy crap what is she doing?! That man's self-restraint is incredible, but he's going to punch her fucking daylights out any moment!"
"Wait...what? WTF is going on here. Why is that guy taking so much abuse? What's wrong with him? Is he going to retaliate or not??"
After that I would walk away because he's in no immediate danger and something is clearly fishy about this situation, it makes no sense.

See, during that whole time I was worried more for the woman than the man because I was expecting a serious backlash that could possibly leave her an injury or two. But that never came, so I was forced to conclude that the man needed to get his shit sorted and learn to stand up for himself. You know, behave like a freaking man.

I can sense the metric shit-ton of hate coming my way - call me ignorant, call me insensitive, but I simply represent what people in that entire area would've been thinking. And for the most part it's correct.
Of course nobody helped, one or two people even laughed. The sight of a man getting abused like that by his female partner seems to defy all logic considering he's like 3 inches taller than her.

I am NOT saying that males aren't victims of domestic violence. Of course it's possible. It's just that the scenario shown in the video was a joke, completely unrealistic and unbelievable.

 

[michael87cn]

Why does awareness need to be raised? Male or female, you have a strong body with powerful muscles. If you aren't a total wimp you won't just allow someone to hurt you. A fully grown female is perfectly able to defend herself. A fully grown man likewise. Use your powerful assets to your advantage in a dangerous situation. Bite someones Freaking nose off if you have to, you got teeth, use what you need to, to defend yourself. Stab someone right in the eye, blinding them with your finger. A woman can do this just as easily as a man.

There really is no point in raising awareness. People let themselves get hit by other people by choice. There's always a choice, and when you make the wrong one, that's your problem you gotta deal with. If I saw two people walking alone and one person hitting the other, I wouldn't step in to help, and I wouldn't smile and grin. I would continue on my way and let grown adults handle their own lives. If someone was being ganged up on and killed, however? I would help.

I think that maybe, women are more handicapped in terms of self defense because they are pretty much raised spoiled rotten, little girls tend to get showered with lots of love and affection if they are good children. They get used to everyone always being nice to them and everybody liking them. I guess that could make a person pretty weak.

 

[Vault101]

Why does awareness need to be raised? Male or female, you have a strong body with powerful muscles. If you aren't a total wimp you won't just allow someone to hurt you. A fully grown female is perfectly able to defend herself. A fully grown man likewise. Use your powerful assets to your advantage in a dangerous situation. Bite someones Freaking nose off if you have to, you got teeth, use what you need to, to defend yourself. Stab someone right in the eye, blinding them with your finger. A woman can do this just as easily as a man.

There really is no point in raising awareness. People let themselves get hit by other people by choice. There's always a choice, and when you make the wrong one, that's your problem you gotta deal with. If I saw two people walking alone and one person hitting the other, I wouldn't step in to help, and I wouldn't smile and grin. I would continue on my way and let grown adults handle their own lives. If someone was being ganged up on and killed, however? I would help.

abuse goes deeper than the physical aspect, its psychological,

-oh they didn't mean it
-they just get angry somtimes but I love them
-they were so sorry, they looked so sad
-I don't want to leave
-they threataned to harm me if I left
-they threatand to harm themselves
-It was my fault if you think about it
-they don't "abuse" me...stop making a bigger deal than it is
-that kind of thng happens to other people

 

[Samsont]

snip

abuse goes deeper than the physical aspect, its psychological,

-oh they didn't mean it
-they just get angry somtimes but I love them
-they were so sorry, they looked so sad
-I don't want to leave
-they threataned to harm me if I left
-they threatand to harm themselves
-It was my fault if you think about it
-they don't "abuse" me...stop making a bigger deal than it is
-that kind of thng happens to other people

You summed that whole thing up fantastically, thanks for adding it.

 

[Glexn]

Male or female, you have a strong body with powerful muscles. If you aren't a total wimp you won't just allow someone to hurt you. A fully grown female is perfectly able to defend herself. A fully grown man likewise. Use your powerful assets to your advantage in a dangerous situation. Bite someones Freaking nose off if you have to, you got teeth, use what you need to, to defend yourself. Stab someone right in the eye, blinding them with your finger. A woman can do this just as easily as a man.

There really is no point in raising awareness. People let themselves get hit by other people by choice. There's always a choice, and when you make the wrong one, that's your problem you gotta deal with. If I saw two people walking alone and one person hitting the other, I wouldn't step in to help, and I wouldn't smile and grin. I would continue on my way and let grown adults handle their own lives. If someone was being ganged up on and killed, however? I would help.

I think that maybe, women are more handicapped in terms of self defense because they are pretty much raised spoiled rotten, little girls tend to get showered with lots of love and affection if they are good children. They get used to everyone always being nice to them and everybody liking them. I guess that could make a person pretty weak.

Domestic abuse doesn't usually begin with violence. If someone was attacked out of the blue, of course they would defend themselves. Almost anyone would. Domestic violence takes years of prep work, in the form of psychological abuse. When someone you love, who you think loves you, dismantles your self esteem piece by piece imperceptibly over a long period of time, the degradation becomes normal. Eventually, the victim believes they deserve it. Some do mental gymnastics to explain their partner's behaviour, others will accept the abuser just to make the pain and humiliation stop. It's a short step from there to violence.

It's also worth remembering other factors, such as one partner might be dependant on the other for food and shelter, or police who can't be bothered getting off their arses even if the victim managed the courage to call. There's quite a lot of that going around. Children is another popular one. Most parents would probably accept all sorts of pain, if it meant their kids could be protected from it.

Domestic violence is a slow version of the process that torture victims go through. Enough fear, pain and humiliation will warp anyone's thoughts into whatever the abuser wants. Even yours, however strong you think you are.

 

[Aaron Sylvester]

Why does awareness need to be raised? Male or female, you have a strong body with powerful muscles. If you aren't a total wimp you won't just allow someone to hurt you. A fully grown female is perfectly able to defend herself. A fully grown man likewise. Use your powerful assets to your advantage in a dangerous situation. Bite someones Freaking nose off if you have to, you got teeth, use what you need to, to defend yourself. Stab someone right in the eye, blinding them with your finger. A woman can do this just as easily as a man.

There really is no point in raising awareness. People let themselves get hit by other people by choice. There's always a choice, and when you make the wrong one, that's your problem you gotta deal with. If I saw two people walking alone and one person hitting the other, I wouldn't step in to help, and I wouldn't smile and grin. I would continue on my way and let grown adults handle their own lives. If someone was being ganged up on and killed, however? I would help.

abuse goes deeper than the physical aspect, its psychological,

-oh they didn't mean it
-they just get angry somtimes but I love them
-they were so sorry, they looked so sad
-I don't want to leave
-they threataned to harm me if I left
-they threatand to harm themselves
-It was my fault if you think about it
-they don't "abuse" me...stop making a bigger deal than it is
-that kind of thng happens to other people

This happens when one person becomes too reliant/dependent on the other, the ability to simply pack up and leave becomes almost impossible so they have to put up with it....and then make up bad excuses in the process.

I'm someone who is rather lacking in the emotions department so most of those reasons are lost on me. I personally draw the line at physical confrontation (arguments are fine), so if I was a woman who was physically struck by her partner I would say "I understand you were angry, but if you love me never do that again - no matter what". The next time it happened I would pack-up + leave the very next chance I got (avoid confronting him). If they tried to follow/stalk me then I would contact the authorities.

Yeah I probably over-simplified the process but I'm a staunch believer Darwinism and keeping things simple. Make boundaries clear, pull shit together, throw emotions out the window, plan the next step and then DO IT.

Physical weakness I can totally understand, but mental weakness is something I just can't sympathize with.