men involved with domestic violence

[DementedSheep]

Consequence of man = strong, woman = weak mentality. Yes its an issue and one that needs to be worked on. It seems to be slowly changing but we aren't there yet. Though I'm probably going to get yelled at for this honestly I think people could do to be less sympathetic to woman who can't take care of themselves and let people abuse them.

 

[Chris Tian]

but yeah, "ideas" about masculinity can be harmful to men, there was this video/monolouge on the trivialisation of male rape (which unfortunatly I can't find/link right now) which started out "funny" but soon became sad, it was about how "funny" male rape is and how a 14 year old boy getting with his teacher is "cool/lucky" which obviously...is not

Spoiler: This wouldn't happen to be the video you meant, would it?

Oh god that video is fucking powerfull. I have to admit I was one of those guys thinking: "If I would have been "raped" by my young and super hot german/math teacher that would have been AWESOME!" Until like 5 minutes ago. That video completely changed my point of view.

i am introverted by nature, so i am fine with my current seclusion for the most part, the abuse made things worse. i do like being around people, and i can be pretty out going, especially when i meet someone for the first time, but over time i start getting nervous and i start avoiding people because i don't want to be bullied anymore, and i would usually get bullied after i have gotten to know and trust the person. i tend to be a very trusting person, i will trust someone i have just met with my life, so when that trust is broken it is very devastating to me. i do now have a relationship with my father, limited one yes, but i do have one with him, he has changed much over the years and has been sober for a good many years. i am 22.

Hm, isn't it hard to tell if you would have become an interovert under different circumstances? Actually that doesn't matter.

The fear of being bullied and being bullied/people Breaking your trust is something you can get rid of with the right help, or even on your own maybe.

If you would build up confidence and inner strength people would try to bully you alot less and also would consider breaking your trust alot less. People are just animals, if they consider you weak they will pick on you and eat you, if they consider you strong they respect you. Even people that like you behave that way, unless you trigger some sort of guardian-reflex in them.

I'm probably just spouting some shit people annoy you with all the time and you know all this. Just in case you dont, a good way to build inner strength is to build up physical strength and self affirmation.

Self affirmation is basically talking to yourself every day and tell yourself nice things about yourself (even if they are not yet true) like: "I'm strong" "I'm worthy" "I'm attractive" or whatever. That might sound stupid and ridicoulus, but it works like a spell and you almost programm yourself to be stronger.

Have you forgiven your father? My grandfather was an alcoholic. He was never abusive, but my mom and grandmother still suffered greatly under that. He was a truckdriver off all things, I'm alaways surprised he kept that job until the end. He died before I was old enough to really get to know him. Failed liver.

 

[Chris Tian]

I think people could do be less sympathetic to woman who can't take care of themselves and let people abuse them.

I'm sorry I dont get that sentence, could you rephrase it for me?

 

[Qwurty2.0]

*Snip*

You're acting as though the main component of abuse is physical, when the main factor is mental. In an abuse situation where the abuse is purely physical, your assumption that the victim can just up and walk away from the relationship with no consequences whatsoever is simply unrealistic.

Abuse is, at its core, mental/emotional. Victims are isolated from friends and family, constantly told there is something wrong with them, that their way of thinking is incorrect (They question their own perception of the relationship), made to believe that they have it good or that they will be worse off if they leave, that they will be harmed, that the abuser will harm himself/herself, that they'll never see their kids again, that the abuser will come after them legally or otherwise, etc., etc.

Other people won't interfere because they don't want to "get involved in other people's business", or they don't believe that the abuse is real, or the abuse only happens behind closed doors and they never even suspect it. Abuse victims, male or female, often deal with the abuse alone, and what support they do get often can't do anything to stop an abuser unless they can somehow catch the abuser in the act or prove they were physically harm (which doesn't usually happen because most long-term abuse isn't physically, and the physical abuse that does take place often doesn't leave marks).

In cases where the abuse occurs is physical and between two mentally competent, healthy people (the case you are mainly presenting), most people do "man up" and leave, because there is little stopping them at that point. But abuse doesn't just strike randomly and suddenly, it occurs slowly over months or years, often putting the victim in a place where they can't easily escape.

 

[DementedSheep]

I think people could do to be less sympathetic to woman who can't take care of themselves and let people abuse them.

I'm sorry I dont get that sentence, could you rephrase it for me?

Meant to be a "to" in there. I miss out words when I'm typing often.

I don't have a lot of sympathy for people who don't even try to defend themselves or stay in abusive relationships unless it's really bad abuse and people seem to jump to woman's defence even if she really did bring it on herself (hit first or was being very verbally abusive).

 

[Chris Tian]

I think people could do to be less sympathetic to woman who can't take care of themselves and let people abuse them.

I'm sorry I dont get that sentence, could you rephrase it for me?

Meant to be a "to" in there. I miss out words when I'm typing often.

I don't have a lot of sympathy for people who don't even try to defend themselves or stay in abusive relationships unless it's really bad abuse and people seem to jump to woman's defence even if she really did bring it on herself (hit first or was being very verbally abusive).

Ah, okay.

You mentioned the women=weak mentality yourself, from which this stems. I think this is just still programmend deep in the subconsious of most humans. I am totally guilty of it myself. A abused women would instantly trigger a "protect" reflex and with a man I would first think: "Why the fuck does he let this be done to him?"

I would still "jump to her defense" if she was verbally abusive first, but not so if she used physical violance first.

 

[Eddie the head]

Just raise money to cure cancer.

Not all cancer can be cured the same way.

 

[shootthebandit]

I know we touch on sexism/feminism a lot on here so I thought its only fitting to show the other side of the story.

There is no "other side" of the story, except possibly the sides of the abusers themselves.

I didnt mean it that way. What I was saying is that we often focus on men abusing women and the reverse often gets ignored. Hence "the other side of the story".

 

[DanielBrown]

Yeah, it's fucking stupid. Like a lot of women some men subjected to domestic violence doesn't even see it as such. Had a friend whose girlfriend always got abusive when drunk. She'd hit, kick and scream at him. He said that he didn't like it(duh), but never did anything about it.

Once a girl started kicking on my shinbones with her steel plated boots for no fucking reason. People saw it and laughed. I pushed her to the ground. People started screaming "What the hell is wrong with you?". x.x

 

[Kopikatsu]

Well, I'm glad this is getting attention. Finally.

Some time ago, I had a friend whose wife would regularly beat and humiliate him. Usually even in front of their children. There was one time in particular where she ended up spraining her wrist after hitting him repeatedly in the head with a tire iron, and then he drove her to the hospital and insisted that they look at her before getting to him despite the fact that his skull was cracked open. His kids sided with their mother and insisted that he was the problem. She eventually beat him to death. Was never arrested or anything of the sort and walked free after the entire ordeal. He was a really sweet guy, too. Would go far out of his way to help people, and would never hurt a fly. Never told him to get help because I didn't think it was my place. Regret it now. I doubt he would have gone for it, though. He told me once that the main reason he stayed with her is because he didn't want to have to put his kids through a divorce. The same kids that turned against him from the get-go. Literally gave his life to make it easier for them and they turned around to spit on his grave. Buncha fuckin' traitors they were.

Also worked with a former police officer who had a nasty scar on his side. Said that he responded to a DV call, and saw the man standing over the woman with a vase raised over his head. He pulled a gun on the guy and told him to drop it, then the woman stabbed him in the side with a knife, stole the gun, and shot her SO to death with it before fleeing the scene. Apparently she'd been abusing her husband for some time, and he finally got fed up and fought back. Guess that didn't turn out too well, though. Unsurprisingly, the guy was fired- hence, former officer.

Still, it's a serious issue.

 

[Aaron Sylvester]

Well, I'm glad this is getting attention. Finally.

Some time ago, I had a friend whose wife would regularly beat and humiliate him. Usually even in front of their children. There was one time in particular where she ended up spraining her wrist after hitting him repeatedly in the head with a tire iron, and then he drove her to the hospital and insisted that they look at her before getting to him despite the fact that his skull was cracked open. His kids sided with their mother and insisted that he was the problem. She eventually beat him to death.

Sounds like he had a serious mental illness. I can't fathom what else cause someone to let themselves get beaten to death like that. That's simply not normal.

Was never arrested or anything of the sort and walked free after the entire ordeal.

Now that's definitely a tragedy. Someone getting away with murder...sigh. How did she avoid arrest, would you know by any chance?

Once a girl started kicking on my shinbones with her steel plated boots for no fucking reason. People saw it and laughed. I pushed her to the ground. People started screaming "What the hell is wrong with you?". x.x

Sadly that's the double standard, but at least you made her stop and didn't get into any serious trouble for it.

 

[Kopikatsu]

Sounds like he had a serious mental illness. I can't fathom what else cause someone to let themselves get beaten to death like that. That's simply not normal.

That's what most abuse is. The victim either tries to justify it, or they simply can't live without the abuser (Financially, emotionally, etc dependent).

If you just walk up to someone and hit them in the head, they'll probably fight back.

If you get into a relationship with someone, get married, share assets, have children, and slowly but surely, they slowly erode your self-confidence. Your self-worth. Your independence. And then you become their punching bag, a toy for them to let their frustrations out on.

I don't have the statistics on it, but I'd say that that scenario usually ends in death. Either the abuser goes too far or the victim snaps. 'Battered wife syndrome' and all that (Although really, it should be battered spouse syndrome if the name hasn't been changed already)

 

[Riot3000]

Consequence of man = strong, woman = weak mentality. Yes its an issue and one that needs to be worked on. It seems to be slowly changing but we aren't there yet. Though I'm probably going to get yelled at for this honestly I think people could do to be less sympathetic to woman who can't take care of themselves and let people abuse them.

In that scenario for me I treat as a case by case basis or it has to effect someone I directly know so I can weigh in on it. I mean trust I worked at a domestic abuse shelter and my advisor told me countless of stories on how some of their clients went back and stories are tragic and almost futile at times.

I think people could do to be less sympathetic to woman who can't take care of themselves and let people abuse them.

I'm sorry I dont get that sentence, could you rephrase it for me?

Meant to be a "to" in there. I miss out words when I'm typing often.

I don't have a lot of sympathy for people who don't even try to defend themselves or stay in abusive relationships unless it's really bad abuse and people seem to jump to woman's defence even if she really did bring it on herself (hit first or was being very verbally abusive).

Ah, okay.

You mentioned the women=weak mentality yourself, from which this stems. I think this is just still programmend deep in the subconsious of most humans. I am totally guilty of it myself. A abused women would instantly trigger a "protect" reflex and with a man I would first think: "Why the fuck does he let this be done to him?"

I would still "jump to her defense" if she was verbally abusive first, but not so if she used physical violance first.

At least your honest about it I got over real quick growing up in gang related area and gals were known to take part just as much and many guys got caught with blades to their sides because you know women would not hurt a fly. Also gals boxed like fisticuffs none of that slapping stuff so I guess my life gave me some leeway on that whole mentality

 

[Chris Tian]

At least your honest about it I got over real quick growing up in gang related area and gals were known to take part just as much and many guys got caught with blades to their sides because you know women would not hurt a fly. Also gals boxed like fisticuffs none of that slapping stuff so I guess my life gave me some leeway on that whole mentality

It just happens in my mind its not a conscious train of thought.

Funny side note where you mention gals boxing with fisticuffs. I actually have fought with girls, not with 100% but some pretty intense sparring matches, and I know a few who can really pack a punch or have a pretty mean leglock. I also worship Gina Carano

So I'm rationally aware that women can take care of themselfes, even in fights, this whole "you have to protect EVERY women" is still carved deep in the back of my skull.

 

[barbzilla]

snip

I would encourage you to actually read some cases on intimate partner violence and especially stalking. Nothing is ever that simple and many cases (such as having kids with said ass holes) that can leave people stuck to these kinds of people for a long time and there's often very little the law can do about it

Haha, how to properly gauge somebodys eye out is always the second thing I teach people if they ask about self defense against physically clearly superior opponents.

As a legitimate question (because I'm probably wrong), how easy and how fast can you gauge someone's eyes? If I was a strong man (and I'm not) and I was beating a much weaker woman (which I wouldn't do) and she tried to reach for my eyes or start gauging, I feel like I could easily smack her away

..... I said I wasn't going to respond to this thread, then I saw this question... and I can't help but write it as I already knew the answer and it is now nagging at me. A person's eye's can become dislodged in less than a second with the proper technique. It won't destroy the eye, and there is no permanent damage (provided they are put back in by professionals) and doesn't become infected (as infection here is a bad bad thing, and will likely end up in a manslaughter case with a self defense plea). Done improperly, it can take only seconds to permanently blind someone by puncturing the eye and damaging the nerves inside and behind the eye, and will also likely lead to a manslaughter case with a self defense plea.

Edit with a quick note: The proper eye gouging technique relies on vacuum principals and uses your finger to rotate and dislodge, however, there is a good chance of damaging the nerve cluster behind the eye with this technique too, which will leave permanent blindness. While blindness may not be as bad as the possible manslaughter case with a self defense plea, in some cases live assailants who were grievously wounded managed to level suits against their victims and win with sympathetic juries (that isn't to say this happens all the time, it is rare, but it could be a worse situation to stumble onto unprepared).

 

[Stu35]

Why does awareness need to be raised? Male or female, you have a strong body with powerful muscles. If you aren't a total wimp you won't just allow someone to hurt you. A fully grown female is perfectly able to defend herself. A fully grown man likewise. Use your powerful assets to your advantage in a dangerous situation. Bite someones Freaking nose off if you have to, you got teeth, use what you need to, to defend yourself. Stab someone right in the eye, blinding them with your finger. A woman can do this just as easily as a man.

How does it feel to not have scruples or psychological barriers? Jesus Christ. Just because YOU wouldn't shut down and wait for the blows to stop doesn't mean that you can expect everyone to be the same way.

Let's not forget this little ancient Greek proverb:

"It's easy to be brave on the internet behind ones keyboard" - Aesop, circa 600 BC.



Also "Don't believe everything you read on the internet", which I believe was an Abraham Lincoln one, but I'm not great on former American president quotes. Point is, whilst I'm not totally rubbishing what all the "I don't understand why these women don't just kick ass, totally what I'd do", I do find there are a lot of very brave, skilled warriors on this forum sometimes. A surprisingly large number in fact.

 

[TheMadDoctorsCat]

Domestic violence can happen to anyone.

To raise awareness for a particular kind of violence seems silly to me. Like raising money to cure breast cancer. Just raise money to cure cancer.

Don't know if I'd agree with this. For one thing, "cancer" comes in so many forms, the treatment for one kind can be completely different to the treatment for another. And some forms of "cancer" still have no treatment. You're talking about a whole bunch of very different diseases coming under the umbrella of "cancer".

But yeah, I have no problems with raising money to combat a specific problem rather than a general one, as long as you're not trying to deny the wider issues.

 

[Chris Tian]

..... I said I wasn't going to respond to this thread, then I saw this question... and I can't help but write it as I already knew the answer and it is now nagging at me. A person's eye's can become dislodged in less than a second with the proper technique. It won't destroy the eye, and there is no permanent damage (provided they are put back in by professionals) and doesn't become infected (as infection here is a bad bad thing, and will likely end up in a manslaughter case with a self defense plea). Done improperly, it can take only seconds to permanently blind someone by puncturing the eye and damaging the nerves inside and behind the eye, and will also likely lead to a manslaughter case with a self defense plea.

Yup, the eye just "pops" out, thats exactly what happens with the technique i described.

Its only manslaughter if someone dies, so getting an infection or becomming blind/suffering nerve damage will not lead to a manslaughter charge.

 

[barbzilla]

Why does awareness need to be raised? Male or female, you have a strong body with powerful muscles. If you aren't a total wimp you won't just allow someone to hurt you. A fully grown female is perfectly able to defend herself. A fully grown man likewise. Use your powerful assets to your advantage in a dangerous situation. Bite someones Freaking nose off if you have to, you got teeth, use what you need to, to defend yourself. Stab someone right in the eye, blinding them with your finger. A woman can do this just as easily as a man.

How does it feel to not have scruples or psychological barriers? Jesus Christ. Just because YOU wouldn't shut down and wait for the blows to stop doesn't mean that you can expect everyone to be the same way.

Let's not forget this little ancient Greek proverb:

"It's easy to be brave on the internet behind ones keyboard" - Aesop, circa 600 BC.



Also "Don't believe everything you read on the internet", which I believe was an Abraham Lincoln one, but I'm not great on former American president quotes. Point is, whilst I'm not totally rubbishing what all the "I don't understand why these women don't just kick ass, totally what I'd do", I do find there are a lot of very brave, skilled warriors on this forum sometimes. A surprisingly large number in fact.

As someone else said earlier, it has nothing to do with how brave the person may be, or how skilled they are. Most people have many psychological barriers they have constructed over the course of their life time that dictates what is right and what is wrong. Generally speaking, the target of domestic abuse has the right barriers up to put up a strange type of defense. While it really isn't any type of defense at all, the brain thinks that this is the proper path because of (many reasons really, but most prominently) conditioning. This defense defends the abuser in the victim's own mind, causing the victim to feel sympathetic and responsible for the current state of affairs (when in reality it is the assailant's fault 100% of the time). So to their psychology they are being brave by not standing up for themselves, and all the skill in the world doesn't matter if you won't use it.

 

[barbzilla]

..... I said I wasn't going to respond to this thread, then I saw this question... and I can't help but write it as I already knew the answer and it is now nagging at me. A person's eye's can become dislodged in less than a second with the proper technique. It won't destroy the eye, and there is no permanent damage (provided they are put back in by professionals) and doesn't become infected (as infection here is a bad bad thing, and will likely end up in a manslaughter case with a self defense plea). Done improperly, it can take only seconds to permanently blind someone by puncturing the eye and damaging the nerves inside and behind the eye, and will also likely lead to a manslaughter case with a self defense plea.

Yup, the eye just "pops" out, thats exactly what happens with the technique i described.

Its only manslaughter if someone dies, so getting an infection or becomming blind/suffering nerve damage will not lead to a manslaughter charge.

Getting an infection on the nerve cluster behind the eye that leads directly to the cortex of the brain, will likely lead to death, thus the manslaughter cases I was talking about. There is a very real risk when applying maneuvers such as these, and why they are only meant to be used in life or death situations (as it may save your life at the cost of your assailant's, which isn't necessarily bad, just messy).