Somethingawful did a great article about "The Definitive Guide to Modern Warfare 2 Multiplayer" [http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/modern-warfare-2.php]
Upon entering the game lobby, immediately vote to skip the current map. It doesn't matter what it is; vote to skip it. If you skip 5,000 maps, then you can unlock an achievement awarding you 5,000 points and the ability to ejaculate solid gold. Vote against each and every map that appears. The ideal battlefield is a featureless white void populated with only ballot boxes. Exploding ballot boxes.
There are many different guns to choose from, each with its own unique stats, traits, and techniques. Ignore all that crap and simply select the largest one you can find. Bigger gun = bigger bullets = more points. Why bother mastering any weapon besides the L86 LSW and the Intervention? It's pointless since nothing can do more damage than those two, and therefore everything else is inferior. Well, except for the knife. And those red barrels full of mysterious exploding atoms. And falling more than three feet.
No matter what weapon you decide on, make absolutely certain it is not the riot shield. This is one of the most powerful, cheap weapons in Modern Warfare 2, and if you select it, all the other players will grow jealous of your superb weapon-choosing skills. Video game experts have conclusively proven it's physically impossible for a soldier armed with a riot shield to ever die. Just think about the concept: this is a weapon that protects its user from certain death. Equipping it grants nothing short of immortality!
If a player armed with a riot shield crouches directly in front of you, you will never, ever be able to kill them no matter how many times you sit in one location and shoot them head-on. Sure, I suppose it's technically possible to defeat them by moving slightly to the right or left, but if Infinity Ward wanted people to do something outrageous like that, they would've named the game "Modern Walk to the Side of Some Guy."
Always choose the underbarrel grenade launcher. It instantly transforms any weapon into a sniper rifle... an exploding sniper rifle! This attachment is especially useful in close quarters combat; it's like getting hit in the face by a can of peas... an exploding can of peas!
Throughout your multiplayer progression, you will unlock emblems, callsigns, and the ability to add a clan tag to your name. You should spend hours carefully examining each option until you are able to determine the most effective combination to demonstrate your love for marijuana. For example, the "joint ops" emblem is great because the word "joint" is slang for "marijuana!" Ha ha!
Do you get it? Do you understand? This is all really complex and intellectual shit here, but just hang with me for a bit. You're insinuating that you really enjoy drugs! You're an Xbox Live outlaw and you ain't afraid of the 5-0 or your lame dad busting in and finding that seven-month old roach clip you hid in that box of Pocky! You are cool! Internet cool! Your clan tag is even more flexible, allowing you the ability to brainstorm revolutionary creations such as "[wEEd]" or "[HigH]." The ideal combination would resemble something like the following example:
Please note the randomly capitalized letters and number substitutes, both of which prove to the world that your contempt for the police is matched only by your contempt for proper grammar and spelling. These images represent you as a person, and nothing can communicate how awesome and unique you are quite like advertising your drug habits in a game about shooting people in the face. That's why I joined clan [COCK].
Upon entering a game, sprint to the nearest corner. If you are unfamiliar with corners, they are areas where two walls intersect each other, and are usually decorated with large piles of corpses. Upon reaching the corner, sit down and don't move for the next several hours. In a perfect world, every single player would be assigned their own special corner, and the game would be eight minutes of people not moving.
If you are unable to locate any corners, sprint towards the center of the map and hide there. Ideally you will enter some sort of underground bunker with several entryways. Choose one and randomly shoot in that direction until either you kill somebody or somebody uses complex mathematical formulas to locate your position.
Upon murdering several enemies, you will receive notice that a "care package" is available. Care packages are gifts from Jesus Christ, rewarding you for punishing those who were not baptized (Infinity Ward is famous for failing to baptize most of their video game characters). When you toss out your smoke grenade to signal for the drop, be sure to stand directly underneath the impending landing spot. Catching care packages with your face eventually unlocks a the 100-point "Ron Perlman" achievement.
Sometimes the game will seem to jump or skip around, making it impossible for you to use your shotgun to snipe a player on the opposite side of the map. Turn on your headset and scream "LAG!" or "STUPID SERVER!" repeatedly. These handy statements inform all other players that you are at a distinct disadvantage, so if they kill you it technically shouldn't count because you are the one single individual suffering from slow gameplay. Infinity Ward employees actively monitor the audio of each and every multiplayer game, so keep shouting "THIS SUCKS" until one of them flips the switch labeled "MAKE SERVER MORE GOOD."
The Xbox Live headset is an integral tool for success. In addition to instantly communicating with fellow teammates, a skilled gamer uses the headset to accomplish invaluable things like:
Talk to grandpa. What is he doing in your room? Can't he see you're playing a very important video game? Express your disdain with that rotten old asshole by sharing your personal conversation with him over Xbox Live. This provides a useful service for fellow gamers, all of whom were undoubtedly asking themselves, "I wonder what [DOPE] 420MaStA-Z's grandfather is up to right now?"
Discuss your weekend plans with a friend in the game. Are you going to see a movie this Saturday? Where will you be eating? Does your car need an oil change? Questions like these add a real human element to the game and makes it feel like you're really on a battlefield, trying to defeat an army of frat boys who shoot at you while radioing in the amount of times they puked during the football game last Friday.
Cough nonstop. Gamers love to hear people choke and gag, so try to develop an advanced case of pneumonia before logging in. Don't bother hitting the headset's mute button; pressing that is a sign of weakness, like sitting down to pee or yielding for pedestrians.
Draw public attention to individuals who perform specific actions consistent with that of homosexuals. Did somebody just shoot you? What a fag! Did somebody use a weapon you don't prefer? What a homo! Everybody playing Modern Warfare 2 cheats and plays it incorrectly except you, and if that's not the definition of being "gay" then I sure don't know what is.
Consequently, you should absolutely never use your headset to talk about certain things, such as:
The game.
How to Kill Every Person Every Time on Every Map
If you somehow weren't able to skip a map and find yourself forced to actually play the game, your success lies in familiarity with each area. Practice each map frequently. Spend time getting to know it better. Buy it flowers. Take it out to dinner. Try to have sex with it. The map may lie and claim it's on the pill, but it's simply trying to trap you into a relationship. Some day it shall give birth and these babies will be named "DLC." Don't worry if you lack insurance; the delivery fees can be paid in Microsoft points.
Anyway, ignore whatever the hell I just wrote and instead follow these simple instructions to dominate every map within seconds.
Afghan: following the Modern Warfare 2 Bunker Rule, you should crouch somewhere in this map's bunker area, that underground storage cave thing. If you are shot and killed, hide on the opposite side; nobody will ever see it coming! It's the old switcharoo!
Derail: quit the game and join another lobby, one which doesn't have a snow-themed level coming up.
Estate: plant claymores in the bathroom and go prone at the top of the stairs. This will protect you from invaders entering through either the front of the house or the toilet.
Favela: barber shops are traditionally known for hair cuts... not snipers! Nobody will ever look for you here, and if somebody stumbles upon your clever hideout, try to trick them by offering a free haircut. Then shoot them. For authenticity, remember to dip your bullets in that creepy blue Kool-Aid crap first.
High Rise: crouch amongst the boxes and papers in the office area, attempting to shoot anybody looking for a spare pencil. Nobody will ever be able to tell you're there; they'll simply assume they were murdered by an armed filing cabinet.
Invasion: snipe from the top floor of the American embassy, preferably near the US flag. Killing people near a flag proves your loyalty and will prevent your name from ever appearing on the dreaded Do Not Fly list. If you eventually shoot enough people, NASCAR will add your clan tag to their pace car.
Karachi: pretend you're the bus driver and hide behind the wheel. If anybody gets on, charge them bus fare. Make the terrorists sit in the back and give up their seats to any US soldiers.
Quarry: look for a warehouse. Run inside and look for a catwalk. Lay down on it and try to snipe people distracted by the horrible map design. Just remember: DON'T EVER MOVE.
Rundown: two bridges connect either side of the map, so point your machine gun at one and start shooting. Eventually the bridge will collapse and anybody who attempts to cross it will fall into the stream below, and one of those candiru dick fish will swim into their penis. Then you will receive 125 achievement points and the coveted "Catfish in Urethra" callsign.
Rust: sprint like an idiot with the rest of the players counter-clockwise around the outside of this map until everybody creates a tornado destroying every living creature logged in. If you're not a personal fan of movement, go prone in that large horizontal pipe leaning over the edge of the map. Nobody would ever expect to be injured by a comically large pipe! Except maybe Mario I guess.
Scrapyard: locate the office area that has a bunch of computers and office crap on the second floor. Hide there and throw grenades at anybody stupid enough to approach the stairs. Then use one of the computers to IM them and call them a fag.
Skid Row: there are two perfect places on this map, both near the same area. If you're feeling adventurous, hide in the haunted alien laundromat and enjoy the spooky green lighting which comes from nowhere and makes it seem like you were shoved into the Hulk's anus. If you recently had eye surgery, walk a floor above and grab one of the mounted gatling guns and practice not killing anybody until a level one-ranked person joins and wanders into your bullets.
Terminal: the control tower's roof contains a large tank of fuel. What could possibly be more unexpected than a man crouching there with a sniper rifle? If somebody looks in your direction, shout "I'M FUEL" until they are convinced you're a non-threat.
Underpass: utilize your camouflage by crouching in the tall grass and admiring an underfunded department of transportation.
Wasteland: beeline for the bunker. Nobody ever looks in there! They're all too busy hanging out by the cemetery, smoking Cloves and listening to the Twilight soundtrack.
Congratulations! You are now a lean, mean, video game killing machine!
