My Bad jokes reserve is running low,

[Exmigrant]

snip

"It is funny because the word bar is a homonym. You expect the joke to be about a man entering a drinking facility but he is actually talking about hurting himself by walking into the other kind of bar."

You must be a hoot at parties. I see you take the Mike Myers approach to joke telling.

Ease up a bit man, I created this forum to get a few laughs, not to have others ridiculed. So just read a few and laugh, if you dont find them funny, no one is forcing you to stay here.

I'm only pointing out why he shouldn't do what he's doing.

And I don't mean to sound patronizing (that means acting superior by the way) but it's a thread not a forum.

I'm not going to argue semantics with you; I've said what I needed to say. If you continue to troll, I'll just ignore you, and leave you for the Mods to handle.

 

[omicron1]

What do you call it when you plant a false memory of watching a baby shower in the minds of all but one expectant mother?

Spoiler

A conception reception perception deception inception exception.

 

[Dawn Patrol]

snip

"It is funny because the word bar is a homonym. You expect the joke to be about a man entering a drinking facility but he is actually talking about hurting himself by walking into the other kind of bar."

You must be a hoot at parties. I see you take the Mike Myers approach to joke telling.

Ease up a bit man, I created this forum to get a few laughs, not to have others ridiculed. So just read a few and laugh, if you dont find them funny, no one is forcing you to stay here.

I'm only pointing out why he shouldn't do what he's doing.

And I don't mean to sound patronizing (that means acting superior by the way) but it's a thread not a forum.

I'm not going to argue semantics with you; I've said what I needed to say. If you continue to troll, I'll just ignore you, and leave you for the Mods to handle.

How on earth am I trolling?

 

[Not-here-anymore]

How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?
Open the door, put the giraffe in, close the door.

How do you put an elephant in the fridge?

Spoiler

Open the door, take the giraffe out, put the elephant in, close the door

 

[The Rookie Gamer]

Why do anime characters look white?

Spoiler: Punchline

To appeal to a whiter audience.

 

[AngryMongoose]

"Doctor, Doctor! I keep thinking I'm a bridge!"
"What's come over you lad!?"
"Well, so far, 3 cars, 2 buses and a lorry!"

So a Physicist, an Engineer and a Mathematician are taking a train to Scotland. Just after passing the border, the Engineer spots a black sheep out the window.
"Ah", says the Engineer, "As you can see, all the sheep in Scotland are black".
"Absurd!" quaffs the physicist, "All it suggests is that at least some of the sheep in Scotland are black!"
"Actually" smugly continues the Mathematician, "All it says is that there is at least one sheep in this part of Scotland, at least one side of which appears black."

What's blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.

This Duck walks into a Bar and asks the barman:
"Got any bread?"
And the Barman says:
"No"
So the Duck tries again:
"Got any bread?"
To which the barman replies:
"No...."
But the Duck says:
"Got any bread?"
The Barman, quite agitated at this point, angrily replies:
"NO!"
But the Duck continues:
"Got any bread?"
The Barman, quite furious at this point, shouts:
"Look! We've got Beer, Wine, and Peanuts. We don't have any bloody bread!"
Unrelenting, the Duck tries again:
"Got any bread":
The Barman, finally losing it, shouts:
"IF YOU ASK ME ONE MORE TIME IF I HAVE ANY BREAD, I'LL NAIL YOUR BEAK TO THIS BAR"
To which the Duck asks:
"Got any nails?"
To which the Barman says:
"No!"
So the duck asks:
"Got any bread?"

A horse walks into a bar and the Barman asks "Why the long face?"
To which he replies "Well my wife's just been diagnosed with cancer..."

What's the difference between a truckload of Bowling Balls and a truckload of Dead Babies? One is just an every day thing while the other is a tragic, tragic thing to see.

a man walks into a bar and say "ouch!"

Man walks into a Pub: "Ouch".

 

[AngryMongoose]

"Doctor, Doctor! I feel like I'm a pair of curtains!"
"Pull yourself together lad!"

"A man walks into a bar. Ow."

"It is funny because the word bar is a homonym. You expect the joke to be about a man entering a drinking facility but he is actually talking about hurting himself by walking into the other kind of bar."

Actually, if someone presented the joke to me like that, I'd find it pretty funny. I'd probably chance it to:
"It's funny because the word bar is a homonym. You expect the joke to be about a man entering a drinking facility, a common, perhaps clichéd, setup for a great many jokes, but in fact he is causing himself pain by walking into the long straight cylindrical piece of metal, also referred to as a "Bar". See, the joke almost works on several levels; not only is there a pun, but the joke also subverts the expectations of how the joke is suppose to go, and introduces an element of slapstick. Bravo, I say, to the man who coined this joke; Bravo."

An atom walks into a bar. "I've lost an electron!" he tells the bartender. "Are you sure?" the bartender replies. "I'm Positive!"

Personally I like to milk that pun for all it's worth. Usually, I go with "A proton and an electron are moving inside an atom.
'I think I'm attracted to you' says the proton to the electron.
'Are you sure?'
'I'm positive'"

The other form involves the proton saying to the electron "' your round". Coz... you know... "It's your round"... and... recent studies have shown the electron to be the roundest thing in the.... nevermind.

 

[Lt.Snuffles]

"Knock Knock"
"Who's there?"
"The Gestapo"

 

[AngryMongoose]

"Knock Knock"
"Who's there?"
"The Gestapo"

The... Gestapo-who?

Anyone know any good Garden Path jokes? They've become my favourite kind but I don't know many. I guess because they're better read.

 

[Harlemura]

What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?

Spoiler

You can't hear an enzyme.

Well, I'm off to feel bad about what I just said.

 

[Arbi Trax]

Knock Knock

Who's There?

Please let me out of the cellar...

 

[busterkeatonrules]

An American, a Canadian, a Mexican, a Nazi, a donkey, Chuck Norris, a naked woman, two mimes and a guy holding a cactus with sunglasses walk into a bar. "Oh no," says the bartender, "not ANOTHER of these crappy jokes!"

 

[AngryMongoose]

[OT: What do spinach and anal sex have in common? If you were forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult.

Hey, it's the first thing here to literally make me laugh.

 

[DueAccident]

My friend asked me what I wanted for my birthday, I said "Something Cuban". She got me a Che Guevara t-shirt.


Clothes but no cigar.

-----------------------------

How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?


Oh, it's a really high number, you probably haven't heard of it.

----------------------------

Knock knock
Who's there
German border patrol
German border patrol wh...

WE WILL ASK THE QUESTIONS HERE.

----------------------------

A man was recently arrested for sabotaging the police's herb garden.

He was charged with wasting police thyme.

-----------------------------

An physicist, an engineer and a statistician were out hunting one day for deer. As they are walking along, they spot one, the physicist steps up to take a shot first.

Using his profession, he takes into account ballistic weight and drop, the distance to the target and so on. Fires the gun - 5 yards too long, damn.

The engineer does the same, steps up with his rifle, using whatever skills from his profession, taking into account air resistance and the like. Fires the gun - 5 yards too short, damn.

The statistician shouts "Yeah guys, we got him!"

 

[Blue_vision]

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks why the long face.
The horse does not understand human speech, and walks back out, knocking over a few tables along the way.

 

[AngryMongoose]

What's the difference between a Duck?

Two of it's feets are both the same.

 

[joemegson94]

Stevie Wonder recieved a cheese grater for his birthday.

He said it was the worst book he's ever read.