Ok, yes this is a relationship thread. Anyways me and my girlfriend had a fight over the way I talk, as in it sounds mean or rude from time to time and makes he feel stupid as I talk intelligently and have a habit of saying random facts about something that may be the topic we are talking about. I've tried to not sound mean or rude but when I talk it don't sound mean or rude to me. I also talk direct and don't candy coat things when I say them. So the question is what would you do or do you think that she has a point and if so why?
Ok, need to bounce something off some people I don't know lol
- Thread starter Kavic86
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Its a double edged sword. On the one hand yeah your probably often impressing her with your knowledge but at the same time that can feel like your insulting her intelligence, especially if you do it annoyingly often. You might not be trying to do it but your doing it anyway. It's not wrong it just might get a little much. I'd say shes being overly sensitive though, as with almost any relationship problem, you both need to meet eachother halfway.
Yes and no... this isn't an easy issue, and I run into the same thing in my current relationship. People don't like to be told they're wrong (I assume you also often correct her), and some people react worse than others to it. The only thing you can really do is either explain that this is just how you are, and she'll have to accept it or not (which is what I did... I also quoted Albert Einstein: ?Intellectual growth should commence at birth and cease only at death?)... or you can clam up and not correct her or spout random knowledge... which is dishonest and uncommunicative. Not good things for a healthy relationship.
We are alike in so many ways. Well now you know it bothers her, then you can attempt to tone it down. But then again it is an aspect of your personality that is hard to change. And of course you're probably not doing it on purpose either. I would say she is behaving overly sensitive as well.
I don't know you and I've never talked to you so I'm not sure. You could be coming off that way to her without knowing it in which case you could try to pay attention to how you talk to her. But I think if she feels stupid because you speak intelligently she needs to deal with it and get smarter and learn more about the subject.
I think I know what you mean by being direct and not candy coating things. You sound just like one of my friends. If you are anything like my friend though you have very little tact and are also honest to a painful amount. So you would need to work on that.
Again I don't know you, so that's just my thoughts.
I think I know what you mean by being direct and not candy coating things. You sound just like one of my friends. If you are anything like my friend though you have very little tact and are also honest to a painful amount. So you would need to work on that.
Again I don't know you, so that's just my thoughts.
If she is upset that you speak too intelligently and thus making her look or feel bad then it's her problem, and she'll have to deal with her own insecurities making her feel this way.
Some people take directness as a sign of rudeness, others do not. It's a personality thing, if something about the way you speak rubs her the wrong way, chances are she'll never get over it, but at least that wouldn't be something she should necessarily have to change.
I don't think there is a lot you can do about it bro, other than thinking about what you are saying a bit more and avoiding saying things that she'll get deliberately annoyed at.
I've got a female friend who was always a bit on and off with me due to the things I would say (or more the mannerisms). I've tried to reduce saying the kind of things that's make her mad and she's now been a lot warmer and more tolerant than before. I guess it means she at least appreciated the effort I was making. Perhaps it'll be enough for your girlfriend too.
Some people take directness as a sign of rudeness, others do not. It's a personality thing, if something about the way you speak rubs her the wrong way, chances are she'll never get over it, but at least that wouldn't be something she should necessarily have to change.
I don't think there is a lot you can do about it bro, other than thinking about what you are saying a bit more and avoiding saying things that she'll get deliberately annoyed at.
I've got a female friend who was always a bit on and off with me due to the things I would say (or more the mannerisms). I've tried to reduce saying the kind of things that's make her mad and she's now been a lot warmer and more tolerant than before. I guess it means she at least appreciated the effort I was making. Perhaps it'll be enough for your girlfriend too.
Well, not everyone wants to have their conversations broken up by related but ultimately irrelevant facts.
You should probably include some examples of what you mean, or try to explain it more clearly in your OP. As it is, I find it slightly hard to understand what you mean.
Your girlfriend doesn't like the way you talk, because you're straightforward and keep going out on tangents. Care to elaborate?
You should probably include some examples of what you mean, or try to explain it more clearly in your OP. As it is, I find it slightly hard to understand what you mean.
Your girlfriend doesn't like the way you talk, because you're straightforward and keep going out on tangents. Care to elaborate?
As others have pointed out, double edged sword. It can be hard to change, but you might need to tone it down, but not so much she feels like your treating her like a little kid. But you could also just have a deep long talk with her about how you aren't meaning to come off as condescending, it's just the way your talk. If that doesn't work, maybe you aren't compatible.
She has a point because the way you talk makes her feel bad. whether that's you the way you say things or the way she understands things is not really important and i'm not saying you should change, but something should or this will keep bugging her.
That being said the fact that you say you don't candy coat this would suggest that you are aware of what will upset your girlfriend when you say it. I mean this post has no example of your actions but is filled with your defending you action. And since we can't judge your actions and thus whether your girl friend has a point or not, it would seem that you are mostly trying to convince yourself that you are right.
then again I wasn't there, didn't see it, didn't hear it and being honest is good quality so if that is what you are good for you.
one last question, why do you say random facts about something that might be the topic you are discussing?
That being said the fact that you say you don't candy coat this would suggest that you are aware of what will upset your girlfriend when you say it. I mean this post has no example of your actions but is filled with your defending you action. And since we can't judge your actions and thus whether your girl friend has a point or not, it would seem that you are mostly trying to convince yourself that you are right.
then again I wasn't there, didn't see it, didn't hear it and being honest is good quality so if that is what you are good for you.
one last question, why do you say random facts about something that might be the topic you are discussing?
"Speaking Directly" is often the nice way of saying "is overly blunt."
Despite what some people will tell you, being tactful is a skill more people need to learn. It's entirely possible to tell someone the same thing two different ways and get two totally different reactions from them. Just because you can bluntly tell someone something doesn't make it a good idea.
And saying "that's just the way I am, people need to deal with it" is a BS response. Why should other people need to deal with your lack of tact? In the professional world, one of the most valuable skills is interpersonal relations. Being able to talk and work with a diverse group of people is the sort of ability businesses look for in their employees.
I know sites like the Escapist tend to attract a lot of socially stunted individuals, but that doesn't mean we should glorify it as though it's some sort of perverse virtue.
That doesn't mean you have to jump on a bandwagon or become a slimy yes-man. All it means is you should learn to express yourself in a way that doesn't piss people off.
Though, on reflection, I think I'm doing a bad job of that myself right now.
Despite what some people will tell you, being tactful is a skill more people need to learn. It's entirely possible to tell someone the same thing two different ways and get two totally different reactions from them. Just because you can bluntly tell someone something doesn't make it a good idea.
And saying "that's just the way I am, people need to deal with it" is a BS response. Why should other people need to deal with your lack of tact? In the professional world, one of the most valuable skills is interpersonal relations. Being able to talk and work with a diverse group of people is the sort of ability businesses look for in their employees.
I know sites like the Escapist tend to attract a lot of socially stunted individuals, but that doesn't mean we should glorify it as though it's some sort of perverse virtue.
That doesn't mean you have to jump on a bandwagon or become a slimy yes-man. All it means is you should learn to express yourself in a way that doesn't piss people off.
Though, on reflection, I think I'm doing a bad job of that myself right now.
*While watching TV*Jonluw said:
Girlfriend: Wow, penguins are really cute.
Boyfriend: Penguins have an organ above their eyes that convert salt water in to fresh water.
Girlfriend: Shut up! Stop doing that, it's annoying.
OT: Think about the way you talk while talking for as long as you're with her, if you're lucky for the rest of your life.(Sounds like heaven.) That's one option, there are probably others. I doubt you can make a conscious effort for a little while and then your talking habits will form to the mold she would like you to talk in without any effort.
No, no, I think you're exactly right. I was going to say something along the same lines because it KILLS me when I hear someone say "that's just the way I am" when really they mean "I don't want to make any effort to change."Krantos said:
In fact, I just lost a friend recently over something similar to this. He was being condescending and rude and I asked him to tone it down. He refused, and insisted that "this is the way I am and you need to deal with it" so I told him to have a nice life because I'm done dealing with it.
OP: If you're ever in a situation where someone cares about you and wants to be around you, don't be an ass, and make an effort to be someone that others would like to be around. We all get enough abuse in our daily lives to not have to come home to get talked down to or treated poorly by the people who supposedly care for us.
Well I've read most of all your responses and thanks for the input. Yes I know I can be overly harsh and I actually do try to tone it down, as for the random facts its more or less used to start conversations rather than in the middle of one. But yes I do correct her when she says something that just wrong, and now that I think about it yes Its pretty blunt when I correct her and I try to word it in away to let her not she was wrong but it don't always work that way.
She is overly dramatic and we have talked about this at length, but the root of it is I tend to brutally honest and I do lack tact but Ive been working on. The thing is I have a problem knowing if what I say would set her off in that way as most of the time we have no problem.
She is overly dramatic and we have talked about this at length, but the root of it is I tend to brutally honest and I do lack tact but Ive been working on. The thing is I have a problem knowing if what I say would set her off in that way as most of the time we have no problem.
Sometimes it can be really hard to let someone know they're wrong (or, at least, that you disagree with them) without making it sound like you think they are stupid. If she's been feeling a little put-down and disregarded by you, or insulted by the corrections, she'll be extra sensitive to corrections or intelligent interjections. I would recommend that you save the "corrections" for important things only -- is she saying wrong stuff like "orcas are the cutest kind of whale!" (which you might want to let slide) or wrong stuff like "condoms give you AIDS!" (which you might want to kindly educate her about...Kavic86 said:
)Basically, each time ask yourself "is it more important that I be right about this particular thing, or it is more important that I don't hurt my girlfriend's feelings?" And also consider the timing/location of corrections -- do you do it in front of people? 'Cause that's gonna make her feel like shit, even if she's normally cool about it.
Hell, if you want some really crazy advice: tell her what you posted here! Make it clear you don't think she's stupid, and you're trying to be kinder, and you don't want to hurt her feelings, etc. (If you're so great at bluntness, this is a good outlet for it!) Let her know you're working on being more tactful, and then actually work on being more tactful. Ask her to politely correct you if she thinks you're being an ass. Or even ask her if there are particular things you say that bug her, or particular topics she really hates being corrected on; maybe it'll turn out to be something simple ("I hate your damn endless facts about seahorses!" and then you can avoid those or something like "I hate the way you start out every correction by sighing and saying 'but, honey'!") Could save you a lot of clueless pondering.
Yeah, thanks for that input. No I don't correct her in public but yeah I do know what you mean I need to work on not being so blunt about stuff and to say stuff in a more softer tone. But the only thing she really hates is the way I talk which is kinda hard to change as most of the time what I say doesn't sound mean or rude to me. Yea it may sound a bit blunt and direct but not mean like "I hate your shoes" but more like "Your shoes look dirty" which I guess she interprets as "I think your shoes are ugly" or something of that nature when in reality I mean your shoes look like they need to be cleaned lol.Evidencebased said:Sometimes it can be really hard to let someone know they're wrong (or, at least, that you disagree with them) without making it sound like you think they are stupid. If she's been feeling a little put-down and disregarded by you, or insulted by the corrections, she'll be extra sensitive to corrections or intelligent interjections. I would recommend that you save the "corrections" for important things only -- is she saying wrong stuff like "orcas are the cutest kind of whale!" (which you might want to let slide) or wrong stuff like "condoms give you AIDS!" (which you might want to kindly educate her about...Kavic86 said:
Basically, each time ask yourself "is it more important that I be right about this particular thing, or it is more important that I don't hurt my girlfriend's feelings?" And also consider the timing/location of corrections -- do you do it in front of people? 'Cause that's gonna make her feel like shit, even if she's normally cool about it.
Hell, if you want some really crazy advice: tell her what you posted here! Make it clear you don't think she's stupid, and you're trying to be kinder, and you don't want to hurt her feelings, etc. (If you're so great at bluntness, this is a good outlet for it!) Let her know you're working on being more tactful, and then actually work on being more tactful. Ask her to politely correct you if she thinks you're being an ass. Or even ask her if there are particular things you say that bug her, or particular topics she really hates being corrected on; maybe it'll turn out to be something simple ("I hate your damn endless facts about seahorses!" and then you can avoid those or something like "I hate the way you start out every correction by sighing and saying 'but, honey'!") Could save you a lot of clueless pondering.