Ok, you get a girlfriend, now what?

[Xanthious]

Well there's a few things I do. First I try and piece together what else happened over the course of time I've obviously blacked out. You know, things like checking my bank account, my credit cards, maybe call a few friends and see if they know anything. Because if I have a girl over and she is still there by the time I eat breakfast I must have gotten REALLY fucked up and stayed that way for a while. I shudder to think what other kinds of crazy things I may have done if I was so out of it to commit to a relationship.

Secondly, and most importantly, once I figure out what other kinds of stupid shit I've done while under the influence of god knows what I politely explain to this young lady that in no uncertain terms will our relationship continue as I already have a house cleaning service, I don't mind doing my own cooking, and I have a few female "friends" that share my view on committed relationships for any other needs I may have for a woman.

Thirdly, just as a precaution, I change my cell phone number and the locks on my apartment. Women are a funny lot and sometimes can be a little stubborn about taking a hint. Christ, even the ones you're on the up and up with can't seem to grasp you want a woman hanging around for any extended period of time about as much as you want a good case of the clap.

 

[zelda2fanboy]

There's some tips for you around 1:06.
If you pull it off, you will be a fucking legend.

I loled, followed by the unfortunate realization that he's joking and I am not.

 

[theLadyBugg]

This might be her asking you something you can't answer (for me it's "why are you in a bad mood" and refusing to drop it)

You know what works on me every time I start to do this? The first time, just give her an honest "I don't know" or "I'm not." If she refuses to drop it, the answer becomes "Because you keep flipping asking me what's wrong, and it's getting on my nerves." There's a possibility this is going to upset her at least the first time, but if you really can't tell her when she's driving you up a wall, this relationship is going to be short-lived and miserable. Point that out to her, too. If she's going to get upset with you every time you try to communicate something unpleasant, how does she expect you to respect all of her (many, many) feelings?

Another good one is to remind her that "I hate being upset with you" midway through every explanation you give of how unreasonable she's being. Never call her unreasonable to her face. Nobody likes that.

 

[FinalHeart95]

Well, I have a situation then:
My girlfriend and I have been together for about a year now, but for the past month or so things have been a bit hairy. She's never had the best self-esteem, but it's gotten to the point where she thinks she's just a terrible person. Needless to say, she's been quite upset almost constantly. She's also constantly afraid that I'm going to dump her for someone "better" since she thinks that she's so terrible, so she's quite paranoid. She basically doesn't believe me when I tell her I want to be with her, since... you know, I'm with her.
Regardless, it's actually pretty frustrating on my part. I'll be having a conversation via text, and she'll literally respond to me with "okay" multiple times in a row when she's the most upset. I try to be optimistic and be extremely kind to her and it just doesn't help. There have been a couple of times now where I've actually lashed out at her because I feel like she's just being ridiculous.
I love the girl to death, but I hate dealing with this. I've told her before how frustrating it is for me, but she just keeps being this way. But I feel like I can't really hold it against her, especially since there's a chance she may have an anxiety disorder (said by a doctor, no less). Any advice with how to deal with it?

 

[TheGauntman]

Because it's worth it?

The same reason you have a dog, even though you have to clean up it's shit.

Because it's worth it.

I don't know, cleaning up her shit might be a deal-breaker for me...

'>.>

<.<'

Or, it could be great for the relationship, if you're into that sort of thing.

 

[TheGauntman]

Make her feel good about herself. Do stuff together. Do stuff without each other. Balance intimate and non-intimate activities. If you mess up, apologize and make her know that you love her no matter what. Take a step back and look at what went wrong and try to not do it again.

Arguments are good, they allow you to take the opportunity to see what is going wrong. They get out the anger.

If she really drives you completely insane to the point you are miserable, it's not worth it. Dump her.

It's a trap!

But seriously, I agree with the rest of it.

 

[triggrhappy94]

Is this a real hypothetical or are you really asking in a sneaky way?

Well, first off. Survive the first week. They (Me and like one other person) don't call it the awkward first week for no reason.
After that. Just relax. I'm a pretty rational and non-confrontational person, which seems to pay off in relationships (or at least the only one I've been in). I think my gf and I argued maybe once in the six months we were together.

 

[Redlin5_v1legacy]

Because it's worth it?

The same reason you have a dog, even though you have to clean up it's shit.

Because it's worth it.

You can love a dog enough to excuse the shit.

 

[Bara_no_Hime]

Okay here's a deal: we'll tell you what's bothering us if YOU agree to tell us what WE did wrong and stop holding it over our heads XP. And when we ask "what can I do to make it better" we'll try to give you what you ask for.

Note: If your answer is "take out the trash" that trick only works twice. Three times max
cunnilingus on the other hand...

^^ Fair enough.

Although, for the record, I try to never do the "you should know what you did wrong" - it's both passive aggressive (which annoys me, so I try not to do it to others) and not particularly helpful. I'm... very chatty and forward with my thoughts. When my romantic partner has done something to upset me, they hear about it.

As for the trash... actually, that one has worked way more than three times.

 

[WolfThomas]

Talking helps.

So if you're in a bad mood, tell the poor girl why. We ask because we care. And because, guys, when you sit around all moody and gloomy, it is ANNOYING. Very very annoying.

Good advice, I know get the same quiet tone and laconic speech when I'm really tired, as I do when I'm worried over something, overwhelmed or upset (rarely ever at her). I have explain often, more often that it's I'm just too darn tired.

 

[Dogstile]

This might be her asking you something you can't answer (for me it's "why are you in a bad mood" and refusing to drop it) or getting annoyed because you actually have something else to do, we all have to experience this in our relationships from time to time because hell, we're dealing with people who aren't exactly like us, only like us enough for us to want to be with them, so inevitably you're going to clash on some things.

My question to you escapists, is how do you manage to bite the bullet and stay calm even when you want to tell them that they're being stupid or a hypocrite or even just plain difficult?

Oh, like you guys are so easy to deal with.

You want to know why she keeps asking why you're in a bad mood? Because she likely feels it as a passive-aggressive attack on her. To her, you're basically saying "I'm upset with you, but I won't tell you why" which is REALLY annoying when you're on the other side of it. Even if you are upset about something completely different (like work or whatever), since you're being moody WITH her, it feels like it's her problem. Or, at the very least, it comes off as a giant sign saying "something's wrong" and she's trying to fix it. Or comfort you. Or at least understand.

So if you're in a bad mood, tell the poor girl why. We ask because we care. And because, guys, when you sit around all moody and gloomy, it is ANNOYING. Very very annoying.

And if you don't know why, then try saying "I just feel shitty, I'm honestly not sure why" - and when she goes "well, what will make you feel better?" you can reply with whatever you want. Who knows, you might even get it.

Note: if your answer is "a blow job" that trick only works twice. Three times max.

Actually, I kind of see your point, she's done the same thing, gotten sad and not been able to tell me why and it is actually quite annoying. Suppose I can see where she's coming from. I did end up telling her that her inability to drop it was actually making it worse, which made it worse for about half an hour because we stopped talking to get some space. Seemed to work.

As a note: Blow job as an answer has worked more than three times. Mind... Blown

(I would answer everyone else, but I have a university to get to, was not expecting so many quotes, nearly had a heart attack)

 

[tobi the good boy]

... I don't know. How often do I have to feed them? are they potty trained when you get them? Do I have do make a small shed out the back for them? When we go on walks will they stop at every tree?

 

[Nimcha]

The first thing that came to my mind seeing the thread title was 'Well, then you have lots of sex.' But that could just've been me <.<

 

[Sehnsucht Engel]

I don't think I'd be able to have a lasting relationship with anyone really, unless that person was pretty unique. I've not been able to so far and it's only made me more hesitant to people in general. So, if it's not someone out of the ordinary, then I'm just not interested.

 

[Davatehi]

There is one easy way to stay calm and solve the problem if you start to argue with your girlfriend.

Spoiler: Use this

 

[somonels]

her asking you something you can't answer (for me it's "why are you in a bad mood" and refusing to drop it)

While nobody should ever force this issue, she has a good intent and a valid reason to do so. Why were you in a bad mood? Usually it's the psyche trying to keep the existing perception of reality in tact. eg. A dog shat on my lawn, I'm angry because i don't want my lawn to have shit on it but that is shit on my lawn.

getting annoyed because you actually have something else to do

Is it more important than her? Everyone has a list of priorities conveying what the person finds important, everyone in a relationship wants to be high on his or her partner's list. Whether you can provide her with enough sense of importance depends on both of you: how important can you make the relationship, and how important she feels she needs to be.

There is no 'now what.' The principle of life is to immortalize your genes; so in that sense, get to work on those babies.

 

[Fappy]

My question to you escapists, is how do you manage to bite the bullet and stay calm even when you want to tell them that they're being stupid or a hypocrite or even just plain difficult?

You just tell them?
Yeah, you might have a fight, but if you just grin and bear it none of your issues will be resolved and will slowly build up to boiling point.

Being someone's boyfriend doesn't mean you have to be happy-smiley-agreeing-with-them all the time. And your girlfriend is not going to explode into a million tiny pieces should you disagree with her.

Me and my boyfriend have been together three years next month, and we can disagree with each other. Sometimes someone will get upset, but mostly it's like `Meh, Agree to disagree`.

And if they're driving you up the wall- get some space, some `me` time. You can't hang around someone all the time or you will wanna kill them.

Also this.

If my other half is being stupid, I tell them, and I fully expect her to tell me when I'm being ridiculous.

Seems to be working for us so far.

Been together since we were both 15.

She must tell you that constantly then. If she was on the Escapist I would expect her to attack you every time you derailed a thread! :O

 

[AngloDoom]

My question to you escapists, is how do you manage to bite the bullet and stay calm even when you want to tell them that they're being stupid or a hypocrite or even just plain difficult?

I'm quite calm by nature, but quite direct. I'd suggest that, maybe without them knowing, they're making things more difficult than I believe they have to be.

I dislike double-standards in relationship, so that's the one thing I get more irked about than anything else. Even then, though, I've been told I just seem 'grimly amused' rather than angry. While this sometimes lands me in trouble (who wants to see someone smiling when you're trying to shout at them?) it just as often helps diffuse the tension and help myself and my partner speak at ease, I've found.

 

[AnnaIME]

The important thing, don't lie to your partner. Well, it's obvious you can't tell big lies, of course, but I'm talking about the little white lies, the little "kindness" lies. If you don't like her dress, don't say that you love it when your are in the store. If you don't feel like having spaghetti for dinner, don't agree to it when you are shopping.

My husband and I don't agree on this, and I have argued about it with my brother as well, but I think it's really, really important. I always feel betrayed if we do something I suggested,and it later turns out my husband just went along with it rather than giving a counter-suggestion. He says he just wants me to be happy, and my choices usually turn out just fine. I say that I want to see him happy too, and denying me knowledge of his wants makes it very difficult for me to do this. (especially in bed)

Actually, input is everything. "You seem mad, what is it?", "I don't want to talk about it, just drop it." What this really means is "Are you mad at me? What did I do?" "Yes, I am, but I'm not prepared to give you a chance to discuss it, I'll just sit here and let my resentment build and be annoyed that you don't just magically know what I'm thinking." Does this sound like a good basis for a relationship?