On Despair and Hope.

[Fawcks]

First I want to clarify what despair actually means, since I didn't know it until recently. I knew it was a negative emotion, like sadness, but did not know what exactly it meant.

despair [dɪˈspɛə]
vb
1. (intr; often foll by of) to lose or give up hope
2. (tr) Obsolete to give up hope of; lose hope in
n
1. (Psychology) total loss of hope
2. a person or thing that causes hopelessness or for which there is no hope

I believe I am currently in a state of despair, and I don't know how to escape it.

I previously attributed this to my fiance leaving me, but I recently came to think that this is not the case. I've never really had anything I revered. I've never been particularly ambitious, never been particularly motivated. This never proved to be a problem until college, though, so let's take a step back. How far back I'm not sure, but it's not really relevant.

I don't remember much before highschool, so I guess we'll start there. I never really took it seriously. Luckily, I am something of a genius (Or, I was when I was younger, apparently) and managed to breeze through without any significant effort. I never did homework, never studied. Things were easy for me. I had a nice circle of friends, mostly female. I don't get along with males for some reason.

Moving to college, things got worse. My circle of friends quickly dissolved, and I never made any new friends because of my extremely introverted nature. I used to be better at it, and would reach out once or twice to strangers if I felt they were approachable. Now I don't even speak unless spoken to. Period.

I got into a biology degree, and frankly, I didn't really like it, I was just too smart to study anything else. My parents always told me it would be a crime to waste my gifted intellect. So I went. I worked a job through highschool to save for college, because my parents can't pay. I quickly became stressed. It was a lot of hard work I wasn't interested in. I lost the few friends I had left from high school, because each one fell in love with me, and I simply was not interested in any of them. I tried to stay friends, but after rejecting their initial advances, things got worse and worse... By third quarter of freshman year, I was seriously contemplating suicide. Then I met her.

Yes, her. The first woman I had ever felt strongly for. No, first person I had ever felt strongly for. I can't say what it was, likely something foolish, but it was love at first sight, best way to describe it. She said she felt the same way, later. Fill in your standard love story bits here, it would take weeks for me to describe every nuance of my relationship. All you need to know is; I loved her. For a bit of contrast, a mutual friend of ours didn't like her, and said she knew we weren't right for each other. Her reasons included that she was controlling, abusive, etc. I never really had any self esteem, so I generally kept to whatever she said. Keep in mind I'm a 21 year old male, so, um. Whatever your thoughts are to a male being entirely subservient, I was essentially that. Take it as you will. It's hard for me to describe what it was like, so I'm using my friend's words. She was controlling. Told me what to do, who I could associate with, etc. I don't want to mention more on our relationship really, because honestly, she'd sound like a villain if you just read that. It was more or less my fault, for never saying "No". I wouldn't, because to me, that would be failing her. Again, I would understand if this sounds hard to believe, weak, or disgusting. I don't want to go any further with explaining this because, honestly, it likely doesn't make sense to anyone.

After almost two years of dating, and our engagement, things got bad. I was working around 30 hours a week while going to school full time. I was working hard as I could. Looking back, I wonder how I managed it. It seems impossible to me now, but I was extremely stressed. My fiance was wealthy, but she was not without her problems. She didn't work or go to school, but she volunteered at the local animal sanctuary. She grew very attached to the animals there. She was a true animal lover, somewhat to the exclusion of other people (I never once got to introduce her to any of my friends. I only knew her friends). She made jewelery and leather accessories to sell for the animal sanctuary for money, only to later learn that the money, thousands of dollars worth, had not been used on the animals; But instead to add renovations to the sanctuary owner's house. There was talk of him being removed for fraud, and her being the owner in his place, but I did not get the conclusion of that. Both of us very stressed, our relationship suffered... I didn't know what to do, she didn't know what to do, so she told me she was going to go on a "journey" to "find herself". I told myself I'd wait for her, but I always kind of resented her for it. She was just running away. I suppose it was because she was wealthy enough from her family that she would never have to work, so she could run away if she wanted. That left me behind.

I waited a month before she emailed me. We sent messages back and forth for a few weeks, once every other day I got one... Eventually, she admitted she was going to stay in California. She didn't say where, she simply said "I'll never forget you". I was devastated. I had lived to that point mostly by saying I'd live for her. But I couldn't manage that. I'd failed in making her happy, and she left me. I felt like I'd lost my purpose. During the next year, to this point, I have lost focus in school... My grades have suffered immensely. I cannot focus. I can't even think, really. It takes most of what I have every day just to get up, go to school, go to work, then go home. Get some sleep. Do it again the next day.

The most overlying problem with me is, I've practically nothing to look forward to now. I don't think getting this degree will make me "Happy", in a true sense. I can't talk to people anymore. Outside of school and work, I never say a word to anyone. I used to be very angry and distraught over my emotions, but I've grown so used to it now, I can't really even make myself angry or sad. I feel horrible every day, physically sick due to my stress and depression, but I face it with a sort of... Dispassionate acceptance. I haven't been truly happy for over a year now. I still feel kinda happy when playing stuff like Team Fortress 2, but I never feel truly happy. I don't feel there's anything in my future that will make me happy, either. The one friend whom I have kept in contact with... Frankly, I've grown frustrated with them because when I admitted my feelings, they didn't seem to care at all. It's been months since I mentioned it, and every time I try to mention it, they just seem to cut off. I can't ignore it that easily, and the fact that I have no one to rely on or be there for me when I need it... It hurts. If they're only supposed to be there when times are good, I'm as easily replaceable as anything. I can't imagine anything at all I can do to make things better. Trying as I have been, my situation has only gotten progressively worse. I went from my third year, all ready and prepared to graduate... Now it's my fourth year, and I'll graduate late, if at all. I have some student loan debt due to my inability to make over 10,000$ extra a year, on top of expenses such as books, gas, insurance, the car... I can't seem to escape it.

 

[Abseith]

Want my advice almost everything Aylaine said is completely right there's only a few things id like to add being a complete loner myself to worrying degrees sometime

The person you spoke to is in no way worth your time if they cant be bothered listening to you when you need it most and id advise either cutting them out of your life entirely or limiting your communication with them to nothing beyond the courtesy demanded by their status in your life

not being able to talk to people isn't the worst thing in the world you may not be able to speak to many people in the world you know but you have an entire forum of excellent people here who would talk to you and I'm sure there are people who could be genuinely good friends in terms of emotional support and general companionship

the failing grades and struggling to get out of bed I can empathize with but for different reasons and I know it can be an absolute fight just to move on any day of the week but the way I deal with it is every day when I'm lying in bed in the morning before I have to get up I think to myself sometimes out loud depending on how I feel that this day could change everything for me and things may be looking up by the time I'm back here tonight

I also think you should look into speaking to a professionally trained psychiatrist to help with the problems

I hope my advice helps and feel free to pm me you seem a genuinely nice person in my opinion

 

[Dr Ampersand]

Is there anyone who you sit near in your classes that you could consider making friends with? Usually even when in a hopeless situation you can at least stutter a ,"hi". Making new friends can help you move on.

 

[Doclector]

I've found myself in such a state not long ago. I am still quite miserable now, but I at least found something to hope for. My advice is, find something to hope for, something that chance doesn't have a place in, something you can fight for, and don't stop fighting until you get it.

 

[rutger5000]

Well this is also because of how you tell the story, but to me it sounds like this:
You've got whipped by a girl and dropped after she lost interest. Now your biggest problem is that you've got whipped in the first place. Being able to get whipped is a bad trait, you should work on yourself to stop stuff like that. It shows that you're not taking yourself and your life seriously enough. I don't know how to deal with that, but you just have too. Don't you have nice church communities in America? Maybe joining one of those can help. (Be careful about those though, churches can whip you too.)
Second you need to get over your finance. That's also going to be a bit hard. I would say you need to start to be more social active, create a new circle of friends while not losing your old one. I recommend you do this by yourself, just don't tell this whole story to any new friends. Wait for that when they are actual close friends.

Hope this helped a bit.

 

[Sneaky-Pie]

My goodness this was almost like reading a story about myself. Except I was married.

I'm not going to sugarcoat this for you at all because I want to tell you exactly what has happened to me and be honest with you. I'm 24 so I would assume we're roughly the same age and I just graduated from my university about 6-7 months ago.

My wife left me two and a half years ago now. We were together for a total of seven years (dating and marriage) and it all happened very suddenly and caught me completely off guard as I was not expecting anything of that nature to happen. But none of this is important.

What is important is what happened to me afterwards and what the past two years were and are still like for me. I feel nothing. Really, pretty much all my emotions just stopped. I just feel like a shell with nothing inside and it's been that way for over two years. I can't bring myself to care about anything. A friend of mine died and I didn't feel anything. I graduated and found a job in this horrible economy but I still don't feel anything. I used to get drunk a lot because then I could actually feel something. I stopped that as I realized it was becoming an addiction. That and I hate the hangovers. Suicide was/is always an open option.

I've grown callous to everything and nearly everyone around me. The scary thing is I don't feel bad for it either. I just don't care. It's not human.

I'm telling you this is because no one should be like I am. Don't go through this alone and quickly get the help you can from anyone or anything. Do it before you get worse and become like me.

 

[Fawcks]

Well this is also because of how you tell the story, but to me it sounds like this:
You've got whipped by a girl and dropped after she lost interest.

Stopped reading here.

Thanks for almost making me cry, buddy.

At what point did so dismissively stating that seem like a good idea? What the Hell is wrong with you, anyway? Why would you even say that?

I feel like garbage now. I get off of Skype after my friend basically told me; "Yeah, if you did off yourself, I'd soon stop missing you." and then come here to see this?

It's just one thing after another tonight. No wonder I can't stay feeling good for more than three freaking seconds at any given time.

So apparently I am disposable trash that no one needs, wants, and will soon enough be forgotten.

Earlier tonight I had my mother tell me I need to learn to be an adult soon, while I go to school full time and work more hours a week than she does. And get paid a higher hourly wage.

Tonight has done wonders for my self esteem.

 

[rutger5000]

Well this is also because of how you tell the story, but to me it sounds like this:
You've got whipped by a girl and dropped after she lost interest.

Stopped reading here.

Thanks for almost making me cry, buddy.

At what point did so dismissively stating that seem like a good idea? What the Hell is wrong with you, anyway? Why would you even say that?

I feel like garbage now. I get off of Skype after my friend basically told me; "Yeah, if you did off yourself, I'd soon stop missing you." and then come here to see this?

It's just one thing after another tonight. No wonder I can't stay feeling good for more than three freaking seconds at any given time.

So apparently I am disposable trash that no one needs, wants, and will soon enough be forgotten.

Earlier tonight I had my mother tell me I need to learn to be an adult soon, while I go to school full time and work more hours a week than she does. And get paid a higher hourly wage.

Tonight has done wonders for my self esteem.

I'm sorry I reread my post and noticed what kind of asshole I was being. I was messing with an open wound. Truth is I seriously don't know how to handle that kind of situation. I'm too young and naive to understand where you are. So I dumbed it down to my level, and turned out an asshole in the process. The problem deserves much more care then I gave it.
The best advice I could really give is to go see a therapist. I personally have little faith in those, but maybe they can help you. .
All I can say about you is that you seem like a hardworking intelligent man. Eventually you'll make something from your life.
You don't give yourself credit for working as hard as you do. Perhaps that's because you started college slacking off. But I think you've always been a hard worker. You saved your own money to go to college while you were younger then 17! I have so much respect for that, and I think you should too. You really deserve more self esteem then you give yourself.
And yeah you're in a very painful position right now, but I can only see it grow better. Like I said eventually you'll make something from your life.
In short I want to adjust my advice.
First, try to make some new friends. This will take a lot of time, but seriously you need other friends. It'll take a long time before you can tell all of this to your new friends. So don't use them as a relief.
Second, go see a therapist. Like I said I personally have little faith in those. But you need to let it all out to a person who will listen and give you some proper advice. And in your current situation a therapist seems like the only person that could do that.

Sorry again for acting like a jerk.

And I really wouldn't say your disposable. I don't think it's much of a comfort, but society needs more intelligent hard working people like you.

 

[rutger5000]

Also how old are you?
If your still in the early half of your 20is then you're being too mature for your own good. Give yourself some slack and be more childish. You sound like an American to me, and the one thing I noticed about Americans is that they try to mature to early. You're like an yet unskilled driver going full speed at the difficult circuit called life. And then you're surprised when you crash and become a wreck. And yeah I'm sorry for you that you're a wreck now, but you should have driven slower. You should have allowed yourself the time to learn how to control the vehicle and maybe crash a few times at a much lower speed, so you'll also know how to deal with that. Please do yourself a favor and don't go starting-a-family-road again until you're at least 30. Yeah I realize that the dating pool will have shrunk significantly. But on the other hand there will be a lot of divorcees (How high is the divorce rate on young marriages? over 50%?) that have learned not to take things too quickly.
Really if you're still young you need to cut yourself some slack, if you're already 30 or so then you indeed need to get your stuff together. And I hope you succeed at that.
P.S. Seeing a therapist is still a good idea though, even if you're still in your early 20is.

 

[ultrachicken]

Well this is also because of how you tell the story, but to me it sounds like this:
You've got whipped by a girl and dropped after she lost interest.

Stopped reading here.

Thanks for almost making me cry, buddy.

At what point did so dismissively stating that seem like a good idea? What the Hell is wrong with you, anyway? Why would you even say that?

I feel like garbage now. I get off of Skype after my friend basically told me; "Yeah, if you did off yourself, I'd soon stop missing you." and then come here to see this?

It's just one thing after another tonight. No wonder I can't stay feeling good for more than three freaking seconds at any given time.

So apparently I am disposable trash that no one needs, wants, and will soon enough be forgotten.

Earlier tonight I had my mother tell me I need to learn to be an adult soon, while I go to school full time and work more hours a week than she does. And get paid a higher hourly wage.

Tonight has done wonders for my self esteem.

I would like to offer you some slightly unrelated advice, which is that just because someone on the internet says something insulting says nothing about you. They don't know you (I'm not trying to say you were being a jerk or anything, rutger500).

OT: I think you either should get a therapist, or just someone who you can unload on. Considering what you've told me about your socio-economic status and level of being busy, you may not be able to get a therapist, but I don't know that.

It seems to me like you just feel that you need another person to depend upon, which is neither uncommon or unreasonable. It can be dangerous, however, as Aylaine has said. Just try to reach out to people. Find someone who seems approachable, speak to them, see how things go. The worst anyone can do is say no, in which case you just need to find another person.

I'd also suggest that when you first find someone who you can talk to, that you don't unload on them all at once. You should try to be as fun as possible, and when your relationship progresses, then when you feel that you can confine in them, do so. Just remember that this goes both ways. You need to be able to listen to them.

I hope that I've helped, but remember to take what I've said with a pinch of salt. I'm not too experienced with this stuff. I have felt somewhat depressed in the past, but that was for an entirely different reason.

EDIT: Also, your mom sounds like she's stressed. There may be more to her life than you know. She's probably worried about your situation, but doesn't know how to handle it.

You should also go against your mother's wishes towards you growing up. Make sure to unwind after a long day. Since you frequent the escapist, I'd recommend playing a video-game in which you play as a powerful character, with uplifting feeling to it. Perhaps Fable II?

 

[Erana]

In addition to my previous "Eat healthy and regularly, get sleep, excersize" comments, I think you're the kinda person whose good at devotion. Without something worthwhile to devote yourself to, you feel empty.
So why not sit yourself down, and force yourself to do something you consider worthwhile and productive. It may just be reading something academic, or doing some push-ups or something. If your mind wanders into a looping thought pattern of despair, stop yourself and do something that betters yourself.
Every little bit counts.

 

[Fawcks]

Snip

First, I'd like to say I am sorry. Whenever someone says Miss Rhia left because of growing bored with me, I go a little crazy. I apologize. I snapped there. My fault.

Another thing, I recently moved to a new region, so I don't have any friends. I have a job, luckily, got one shortly after moving... But still.

My mother, I don't like her. She can't be worried about me because she knows nothing about it. Doesn't know about school. Didn't even know I was engaged. Doesn't know about anything. I hate that woman. She has always treated me like a tool to get what she wants. Despise her.

Thanks for the kind words, however. I got my first job at 14, then worked from 16 to present across two jobs. I am currently 21.

I think my problem with relationships is... Wierd. I mean, I certainly have no problems getting girls to like me; Heck, I've had 3 of my male friends come on to me at differing points (Sadly, don't stay friends for long because stuff gets REALLY awkward). Problem is, I have very little interest in a romantic relationship with most people. My tastes are very limited in that I have a very small fraction of the world I am willing to date. It's not just that I have high standards, but also that I have a couple limiting factors (I HATE submissive women. We can be friends, fine, but I'll never love one, I'm a furry, so that puts me in the sick fuck category for a lot of people... Etc, etc.) that make me finding someone to spend my life with nearly impossible.

I suppose all I can do is to keep on' truckin' for now.

Another wierd thing? I have a British accent. I am not from Britain. I am from Canada. No one in my family has an accent OR was ever from Britain. I don't get it. :C

 

[Ossian]

Snip

First, I'd like to say I am sorry. Whenever someone says Miss Rhia left because of growing bored with me, I go a little crazy. I apologize. I snapped there. My fault.

Another thing, I recently moved to a new region, so I don't have any friends. I have a job, luckily, got one shortly after moving... But still.

My mother, I don't like her. She can't be worried about me because she knows nothing about it. Doesn't know about school. Didn't even know I was engaged. Doesn't know about anything. I hate that woman. She has always treated me like a tool to get what she wants. Despise her.

Thanks for the kind words, however. I got my first job at 14, then worked from 16 to present across two jobs. I am currently 21.

I think my problem with relationships is... Wierd. I mean, I certainly have no problems getting girls to like me; Heck, I've had 3 of my male friends come on to me at differing points (Sadly, don't stay friends for long because stuff gets REALLY awkward). Problem is, I have very little interest in a romantic relationship with most people. My tastes are very limited in that I have a very small fraction of the world I am willing to date. It's not just that I have high standards, but also that I have a couple limiting factors (I HATE submissive women. We can be friends, fine, but I'll never love one, I'm a furry, so that puts me in the sick fuck category for a lot of people... Etc, etc.) that make me finding someone to spend my life with nearly impossible.

I suppose all I can do is to keep on' truckin' for now.

Another wierd thing? I have a British accent. I am not from Britain. I am from Canada. No one in my family has an accent OR was ever from Britain. I don't get it. :C

Don't let life get you down, I also have a mom that knows jackall of who I am or why I do the things I do. She just assumes I'm a lazy bastard, and I live with her still!
You don't sound like you have great friends, its not you that is trash, its them. Anyone that would treat you like that deserves something really bad.

Don't dwell on it, sometimes it feels great just to let the anguish flow and feel like the world is against you, but you have to shut the valve after you let some of the pressure out or you're going to drown in the flood.

I thought about posting a random motivational poster, but I don't know your tastes. They always cheer me up.

Spoiler: Example

 

[rutger5000]

Snip

Don't worry about snapping a little, I should have been more careful. Snapping was a perfectly understandable and expectable reaction.
Well first of I would like to say that I think you're a wiser and stronger person then me. So I feel a bit weird about giving you advice.
Okay first I would work on my friends basis. You need a good social life to get out of this mess, both the emotional mess as the actual mess. I understand you're a very busy person, but try to make this a priority.
Second about your mom. Hey man I know how you feel. You can't choose your family. You are however quiet independent I think. So I think you could afford decreasing contact with her.
Personally I you have only one problem concerning relationship. This is were I might be a bit rude. But I don't know how to express my view on this otherwise.
You're looking for a woman to spend the rest of your life with while you are 21!!!! I know that's the thing all the cool kids are doing in America. But it's one of the most unhealthy things I've ever seen. You got your first crush at 18 and you think it's love? Dude ever considered you just blossomed a little late. Please do yourself and the girls around you a favor and stop looking for Miss Right, and start looking for Miss Right now. Yeah of course you should be a little attracted to Miss Right now, and I'm not saying you should just indulge yourself into casual sex, but keep things light. Just try to have some fun, for crying out loud.
I must admit though being a furry doesn't help things. Too what extent are you one anyway. I understand that this is rather personal, but do you want both of you to be in suits, or do you just want the girl to wear some fake ears and a tail? Personal I know, but the advice about having some fun with Miss Right now could really change depending on the nature of your furriness. If you're a complete furry then I would refrain from a sexual relationship with miss Right now, until she brings up the subject of wanting to have sex.
That's really the best I can say. Hope you'll feel better soon.

 

[Fawcks]

I must admit though being a furry doesn't help things. Too what extent are you one anyway. I understand that this is rather personal, but do you want both of you to be in suits, or do you just want the girl to wear some fake ears and a tail? Personal I know, but the advice about having some fun with Miss Right now could really change depending on the nature of your furriness. If you're a complete furry then I would refrain from a sexual relationship with miss Right now, until she brings up the subject of wanting to have sex.

As a furry, I actually completely appreciate vanilla sex, and have never so much as worn a fursuit. However, I don't think I'd be able to form a lasting relationship with someone who is not a furry themselves, so its a concern of mine, is all.

It IS a pretty out-there fetish to be into.

 

[Fawcks]

I thought about posting a random motivational poster, but I don't know your tastes. They always cheer me up.

Spoiler: Example

It did make me giggle a bit, thank you. x3

 

[Fawcks]

That could be used to your advantage, though. Since it is out there, chances are there are specific groups/websites and possibly even dating services and the like specifically for furries. Just something to think about. I'm pretty sure you could find such things via google and that would really help I think, especially if you want to meet people who are compatible with you in that manner. <3

This is kind of embarrassing, though... But I would want to meet someone into that particular faucet of my life. It'd be difficult otherwise.

I was lucky to meet Miss Rhia, whom was a furry, strictly by chance. Obviously, I'll be dating a long time if we get to about the fourth / fifth date, spill the beans, only to have partner X be disgusted and walk away. :C Gah.

 

[rutger5000]

I must admit though being a furry doesn't help things. Too what extent are you one anyway. I understand that this is rather personal, but do you want both of you to be in suits, or do you just want the girl to wear some fake ears and a tail? Personal I know, but the advice about having some fun with Miss Right now could really change depending on the nature of your furriness. If you're a complete furry then I would refrain from a sexual relationship with miss Right now, until she brings up the subject of wanting to have sex.

As a furry, I actually completely appreciate vanilla sex, and have never so much as worn a fursuit. However, I don't think I'd be able to form a lasting relationship with someone who is not a furry themselves, so its a concern of mine, is all.

It IS a pretty out-there fetish to be into.

Personally I think your problem is with the long lasting relationship part. I would go for a mid-long or a fling even. You're still just 21 why on earth would you want something serious? Yes have some fun try to have some fun.
And as easy and cheap this may sound when you do meet a girl you want to be serious with, then she will at least be understanding about your furryness. It's part of who you are, and a serious girlfriend should understand that. But yeah that's easy to say for heterosexual non-fetish guys like me.

By the way you have serious guts for telling us all of this. Thanks for your trust.