One liner jokes, anyone?

[Virtual_Dom]

This thread is just for one liner jokes if anyone is interested.

I'll start...

Hmm... your starting to make some sense. Time to up my medication.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest

Success is in private, failure is in full view

Dear Math... grow up and solve your OWN Problems

 

[rokkolpo]

wow you look hot! i must be reaaaalllly drunk *hic*.

 

[Mr Thin]

So a seal walks into a club...

Hah! Beat you all there.

 

[PoliceBox63]

The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on the list.

 

[wooty]

I take my girlfriend everywhere, but she keeps coming back

 

[Ironic Pirate]

You know how if your ears are burning someone is talking about you? Well, if your genitals are burning does that mean someone is talking about you? Because otherwise I have a problem.

Hmm...

[sub]You know how if your ears are burning someone is talking about you? Well, if your genitals are burning does that mean someone is talking about you? Because otherwise I have a problem.[/sub]

Hah, it does fit on one line!

 

[Wordslinger]

Fuck me if I'm wrong, but have we met before?

 

[Gabanuka]

Velcro, what a rip off.

Who did I ninja?

 

[Jack_Uzi]

He who laughs last, dies happy.

I used to be a werewolf, but I'm allright nooouuuuw!

If you don't succeed the first time, cry and cry again.

If we learn from our mistakes, we all staid in bed.

I'd kill for a nobel peace price.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend.....but she left me before we met.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

 

[tehweave]

A friend sent me a postcard, and on one side it had the picture of earth, on the other it said "Wish you were here."

I bought some batteries but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again.

I went into a hardware store and asked if they have any maps that weren't aerial views.

I saw a guy walking out of a "Open 24 hours" store. He was closing it up. I asked him why, "Your store says it's open 24 hours!" He said, "Not in a row."

-Stephen Wright

(Okay, the last one wasn't one line, but it's still funny.)

 

[The Maddest March Hare]

Fox News.

That's the joke.

 

[Distorted Stu]

Midget Shortage.

 

[SniperMacFox]

Ubisoft.

 

[brainfreeze215]

A woman walks up to a bartender and asks for a double entendre, so he gives it to her.

 

[Kwaren]

Midget Shortage.

Your joke and your avatar made me laugh. Double win.

OT: 5 out of 4 people have trouble with fractions.

 

[MindBullets]

A few from punmaster Tim Vine:

Last night I dreamt that I was the author of Lord of the Rings. I was Tolkien in my sleep!

Someone phoned me up and asked me when I was available to run a football club in Sheffield. I said "I can't manage Wednesday."

The advantage of simple origami is twofold.

OK, I'm done.

Edit: WAIT! I've got a good one!

I've got a friend who's got a butler who's left arm is missing. Serves him right.

 

[gostchiken]

A dyslexic guy walks into a bra.
My girlfriend says I don't listen to her enough... or something to that effect.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. -Rodney Dangerfield the king of one-liners

 

[LostTimeLady]

I used to be Schizophrenic but now we're fine.

Did you know that there's a place where dogs have no noses?

I miss my boyfriend but my aim is improving.

 

[Queen Michael]

I went to a psychologist to find out if I had ADD, so she asked me a bunch of questions. And then she had to ask them again because I hadn't paid attention.

Edit: Hm... I can't seem to phrase this joke right. Anyway, it's a true story.

 

[masher]

Once upon a time --the end.