One of my friend just died and someone just said this.

[Callate]

People deal with grieving in their own ways. Some of those ways can seem extreme, and even ridiculous. It's like suddenly tapping a high-pressure line- you don't know exactly what the result will be, only that it's likely to be explosive. (Pardon the awful metaphor.)

You have a right to be angry, in as much as that's undoubtedly part of your own grieving process. And in as far as just being angry, I don't think anyone is in the right to tell you what you feel is "wrong". To hell with them if they do- they aren't in a position to know what you're going through. If my own experiences with grief have taught me one thing, it's this: I will never tell anyone going through a tragedy that "I know how they feel." It's a stupid, self-congratulatory, "well I feel better" kind of thing to say, and it's not true.

That said... You're not going to make anything better, for yourself or anyone else, by taking out your anger on the people who have said these things. It's tempting to look for someone to blame when a tragedy happens, but it's awfully easy to rush it and do more harm than good.

Remember that they are dealing with their own grief, even if their ways of doing so seem ridiculous or trivializing of the tragedy from your point of view.

And when you have the wherewithal to do so, do something really hard:

Forgive them.

Not for their sake. For your own. Anger bottled up only hurts the person holding it.

I'm sorry for your loss.

 

[Tdc2182]

Let me make this clear valkeminator or should i say miss natasha anthea lay. Your views are so worldly that you miss the true meaning of Christianity. I'm sorry, but I'm starting to understand why your character and actions even before leaving our school was so......psycho? that's probably it.

I don't think you understand what it means to be happy for someone who goes to heaven knowing she's much happier there than here on earth.Grieving for her and being angry about how she left this planet is another thing. We all are. Even the ones who say she's happy in heaven. Let me ask you: "Do you even believe in heaven?


Do you even understand the very essence of Christianity? That we're supposed to be happy when someone goes to heaven? And about Justice. What is justice? How can you define it? Speaking in a christian manner, We are all sinful people who are initially destined to go to hell after we die no matter how good we can be on earth. But Christ came down here to die on the cross for us so that we can go to heaven. Is it JUST for God? TO give his only begotten son for we imperfect humans. How she left, it ain't JUST, as a human i must say I agree. I keep asking God ,"Why did she have to leave in such a way?" But once again who are we to question God, all we can do is surrender to God and believe that God knows the best.

We are all sorry for Amanda's death. But we're not supposed to ask, "Why God?". Because we humans cannot understand God's plan. We just wanted to wish all the best for her. So that even though she had to leave us, we believe she's happy up there with God. All those tweets and FB post are actually showing how much we missed her and how much we want her to not leave all of us.

This is my advice: Cool your head down. Pray to God. Pray for her. Read His word. Ask God for the power to let go and accept things you can't change. Then when you're ready to, say sorry to those who you unintentionally hurt with your words when you were mad. Everybody had those times but the most important thing is that you gotta do is move on.

P.S: God Bless You and I'm sorry if i was to harsh at first.

Many different things have gone through my head before typing this, but most would get me banned and I've grown quite fond of this site.

Now is not the time for your preaching and moral lessons. Now is the time for you to be quiet. You're only making it worse.

I doubt I'm gonna be the last person to tell you to bug off.

 

[geldonyetich]

People cope with loss and reminders of their own mortality the way they want to cope. It's not always in a way that makes sense to you, it might seem naive, sometimes seen outwardly hostile, but in the end coping is all it is.

If I were you, I'd be a little more worried there's apparently some sociopath going around stabbing people in the stomach near your school. Stay safe in numbers whenever possible and report any suspicious activity to the authorities.

 

[JochemDude]

If you know him look him up and break his nose and his fingers. I punched a priest in the face last week, a distant uncle died and he wanted his funeral in the whole church thing. The guy had the fucking nerve to tell my 6 year old niece that she would go to hell because she had never went to church yet. That's the way in which expressing your religion goes way too far.

 

[Rayne870]

As long as they are caring and well wishing comments and such I don't see a problem, as bdcjacko said people grieve in different ways and it isn't uncommon. Think of it as people leaving cards or flowers.

I may not be a Christian, but even as an agnostic I would probably leave some sort of spiritually related well wishing message.

I totally don't understand what the sleeping with malvin thing is about though, the rest of that message seems pleasant enough, albeit spastic.

Edit:

ah religion, "congrats on dying, tell us how it is. by the way I'm humping your boyfriend"
nothing says I care like a total disregard for life.

Shit is that what that Malvin thing was about?

That's just messed up. Um yeah quietly and discretely tear him a new one, either figuratively or literally, that is up to your discretion.

Edit2: after rereading

Mandaaa happy birthday !!!! He's prepared you a perfect surprise! Way more better than any one of us could provide! I already said from yesterday we wanna help u with malvin, but you said u dont want to. If only you said so I'd help you setr up with malvin . Anyway Im sure now u can see him all the time from up there eh? Hahah I'm also sleeping next to him tonight so ... Dont be jealous. Have fun up there with god.

So this guy isn't talking about sleeping with malvin but is talking about sleeping with God? that's kinda weird how he put it. Harmless and not malicious but very foreign to me.

 

[strangercomment]

okay so this is a little bit biased here, i am also her friend and i'm going to give my opinion here too regarding the facebook comment

first, if you please can understand the person who commented on the page, he is a christian. In his (and my) view, she's in a better place now. I believe her family thinks the same.

next thing is, in your realist kind of view, that's just nonsense right? So tell me then, which one is more disrespectful, saying FUCK YOU that clearly is explicit on the facebook wall of the late person, or saying birthday surprise which at least has parallel kind of thought to the victim and her family? For me, clearly saying fuck you is way worse than "perfect birthday surprise", way more disrespectful. Moreover, you my friend, said things like "please grieve and not say things like happy birthday etc etc" on her wall as if you're her parents or brother or family. Well, imo that's not showing respect either.

Besides, "All I can say is Facepalm, humanity. Mind you, since they found her body lying down in the road in a NEIGHBOURHOOD, in front of a PLACE OF WORSHIP with guards patrolling (yeah right), you can probably assume she bled to death after being stabbed. Made worse that EVERYONE JUST LOOKED THE OTHER WAY AROUND!!!

Also, when one of the school bus drivers found her body, people said they were all just WATCHING AROUND HER. My god... if its true then... wow. Just, Wow. Way to go..."

this is not related to the facebook comment at all. The information itself might not be valid. Is she really bleeding to death? I wouldn't assume so easily if i am a realist. So please, if you're trying to be sensitive, think about it the victim's way. What you're doing right now is as insensitive as me saying she's in a better place now to you realists. Thank you if you can understand me.

 

[Rayne870]

okay so this is a little bit biased here, i am also her friend and i'm going to give my opinion here too regarding the facebook comment

first, if you please can understand the person who commented on the page, he is a christian. In his (and my) view, she's in a better place now. I believe her family thinks the same.

next thing is, in your realist kind of view, that's just nonsense right? So tell me then, which one is more disrespectful, saying FUCK YOU that clearly is explicit on the facebook wall of the late person, or saying birthday surprise which at least has parallel kind of thought to the victim and her family? For me, clearly saying fuck you is way worse than "perfect birthday surprise", way more disrespectful. Moreover, you my friend, said things like "please grieve and not say things like happy birthday etc etc" on her wall as if you're her parents or brother or family. Well, imo that's not showing respect either.

Besides, "All I can say is Facepalm, humanity. Mind you, since they found her body lying down in the road in a NEIGHBOURHOOD, in front of a PLACE OF WORSHIP with guards patrolling (yeah right), you can probably assume she bled to death after being stabbed. Made worse that EVERYONE JUST LOOKED THE OTHER WAY AROUND!!!

Also, when one of the school bus drivers found her body, people said they were all just WATCHING AROUND HER. My god... if its true then... wow. Just, Wow. Way to go..." this is not related to the facebook comment at all. The information itself might not be valid. So please, if you're trying to be sensitive, think about it the victim's way. What you're doing right now is as insensitive as me saying she's in a better place now to you realists. Thank you if you can understand me.

That just really sucks. And I hate knowing why this happens, Diffused Responsibility is such bullshit, people need to get off their ass and help out when these things happen, which makes me glad I committed to always keeping my first aid and CPR up to date.

 

[LiquidGrape]

I find it rather obscene that people, seemingly without thinking, suggest someone is "in a better place" for being murdered.
If that's their take, fine. I don't think they should inflict that on people who have a healthier approach to these things, but I suppose there is nothing to do about it.

Anyway, I'm very sorry, OP. Losing a friend in any context is heart-wrenching. I can't imagine what you're going through, and I won't pretend I do.
But for what it's worth, you have my condolences.

 

[The Human Torch]

Some people need the idea of a heaven as a crutch to lean on during mourning. It's how they deal with it, if it helps them by posting on the Facebook of the deceased, then they should do it.

I am not religious and I don't believe in heaven or hell, so I deal with it in a different way:
During funerals and with my own personal mourning, I make friendly jokes about the deceased and how he/she brightened my life. I don't cry, I celebrate the life of that person.

Even though the posts made on Facebook could have been a bit more tactful, it's hard to argue with the idea behind it.

 

[Sticky Squid]

I'd be disappointed if I died suddenly and my birthday was coming up if people didn't make a joke about it.

 

[Zaik]

My opinion is who cares. You're getting incredibly butthurt because you can't understand a culture opposite of your own.

You're just like the peace protesters who hospitalize people trying to join the military and destroy government property. Grow the fuck up.

 

[Deverfro]

I think the techincal term for this guy is "Twat". Seriously, this guys an arse hole.

 

[Nieroshai]

Guys, one of my friend just died on 29th March, 3 days ago. You guys can read the translated news down in the spoiler here. This should explain most of the things.

Spoiler

TEMPO Interactive, Jakarta -Amanda Dewi Setiawan, 15 years old, student at IPEKA International Christian school, was murdered while waiting for her mother to pick her up after school yesterday afternoon. "Amanda is usually picked up by her mother (Endang Ningsih) after school everyday," said IPEKA International Christian School Deputy Principal Kristhianto Nathanael Kainama this afternoon.

It turns out the year 12 student was not waiting for her mother's arrival in front of the school with her friends. Instead, she went out of the school grounds and walked to the neighbourhood behind the school. "That was when somebody stabbed her," said Kristhianto.

The murderer is still unknown. Amanda was accidentally found lying at the side of the road by Mamat, one of the school carpool drivers. "When our driver was on the way to school, he found Amanda lying at the side of the road, then she was brought to school," he said.

This testimony, however, contradicts a pre-existing piece of information, which states that the driver who found her was deliberately looking for Amanda who wasn't coming home. "Amanda was never part of the school carpool, she was usually picked up by her own mother," he explained.

When her body was found, Amanda was already unconscious. Her stomach had a stab wound in it. "We immediately took her to Siloam Hospital but they could not save her," he added. Amanda's body is currently kept at Darmais Funeral Home, Slipi, West Jakarta. Hundreds of people including Amanda's family, schoolmates and teachers fill the room up to the space outside it.

AGUNG SEDAYU (translated by N.A. Lay, from http://www.tempointeraktif.com/hg/kriminal/2011/03/30/brk,20110330-323885,id.html)

Now Thing is, the next day after she was killed (or murdered I should say...) 30th March, it was her 16th birthday, and some people are stupid enough to post on her facebook wall in this way:

Mandaaa happy birthday !!!! He's prepared you a perfect surprise! Way more better than any one of us could provide! I already said from yesterday we wanna help u with malvin, but you said u dont want to. If only you said so I'd help you setr up with malvin . Anyway Im sure now u can see him all the time from up there eh? Hahah I'm also sleeping next to him tonight so ... Dont be jealous. Have fun up there with god.

This is just one out of several other people who says to have fun in heaven, and that god has prepared her a "Better" birthday party surprise...

All I can say is Facepalm, humanity. Mind you, since they found her body lying down in the road in a NEIGHBOURHOOD, in front of a PLACE OF WORSHIP with guards patrolling (yeah right), you can probably assume she bled to death after being stabbed.

So, what do you guys think about this guy ? Do you think its appropriate to say that god's perfect surprise is the same as getting murdered? Tell me what you guys think I should respond or react to this.

Speaking as a christian, yes that is fine to say. I have seen the same sort of things when a girl I know died 3 days before her birthday and because she was catholic was buried on her birthday. There were all sorts of posts on her facebook from people about how she was having a heavenly birthday and stuff like that. People grieve differently.

Maybe it is a denominational thing, but no Christian I know would act happy that someone's gone. Sure, be happy they're going to heaven, but at least give SOME indication you miss that person or regret that the person had to leave in such a painful and traumatic way. It's rebirth we're supposed to celebrate, not death, and those posts seem glad she's dead not that she's with Jesus, they have a mocking tone that I've never seen to mean well.

 

[similar.squirrel]

Hey, don't bash religion's methods of dealing with bereavement. It was probably part of a benevolent God's design for your friend to be taken at such a young age. The feeling that her passing was unfair and happened too soon is tantamount to blasphemy.
/sarcasm, in case anybody thinks I subscribe to these views. I'm very sorry for your loss, and I hope time will make this easier. Hold onto the good memories, don't dwell on the rest =\

 

[nonenonegone]

For people who don't understand about the sleeping with Malvin thing. I'll explain. The one who wrote that is Malvin's brother. Just trying to erase any assumption that the person who wrote that sis sleeping, in the sense of sex or anything. and all that is just about the person reminiscing the good times he had with Amanda and not trying to make it seem like a joke, its just people don't understand the situation that people misunderstand.